Advice Concerning Online DDlg Relationship

[Guest SweetnessBaby]

Hi,

I'm new on here and to the DDlg dynamic in

general, but I need some advice if possible.

 

A while ago, I entered an online DDlg relationship with a gentleman that I met online. Being an older woman who is just exploring her little side, I was completely upfront about not knowing a lot about this type relationship and he said he would help me through it.

 

We spent a lot of time just talking about our lives in general and then about what would be expected in this relationship. We gradually made our way to becoming Daddy/baby girl.

 

One of the things we discussed was whether this would be a sexual relationship, as much as it can be online, and after some time, we agreed that it would be.

 

Things were going well, as far as I was concerned. We contacted each other several times a day and spent quality time on video chat. It was the last couple of days that I've noticed a difference in his behaviour. He didn't message as often and when I messaged him, it took much longer for him to reply than usual. I mentioned to him that I missed him and he just said he was busy.

 

Tonight, when I brought it up again, he said that he had been talking to another little girl that was local to where he was and that he had plans to meet her. If things went well, he agreed to not having another little girl. I was completely caught off guard.

 

He said that by being sexual with me, and I not being there, his needs weren't being met. I wasn't the one to want the sexual aspect at first, he was. I asked him from the get go what his limits were when it came to this relationship and he said none that applied to us.

 

So, I told him that he should never have started anything with me if he was planning on finding someone elsewhere and dropping me. He broke my trust so utterly and completely that I don't know what to do.

 

He then said that he would drop this other little girl, but our relationship would have to stop being sexual and be strictly platonic. Being my first relationship of this type, how do I go from being sexual with my Daddy to suddenly just friends, basically? And how do I trust again?

 

I am completely devastated. I don't know if I was in love with him, but I was in definite like. What happens when your Daddy breaks your trust? Did I do something wrong?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and please be gentle.

[LittleBunnyCici]

So, wait, let me get this straight.

 

The man literally cheated on you - and, let's be honest, whether or not they actually had sex yet, the fact that he told another person that he would abandon you for them is cheating - because he felt that his sexual needs weren't being met, but didn't have the balls to tell you that, and then, when caught, turns around and claims that he'll remain monogamous with you but only if you aren't sexual with each other?

Girl, this is the biggest pit of quicksand I have seen in my life.  You need to tell that man to leave you alone, spend some quality time with yourself to grieve and heal, and then move on.  So many red flags are flying that I'm afraid it's gonna start' raining bulls in here.  He's literally setting you up to fail.  If sex is that important to him, what in the world makes him think that he would be happier in a relationship with you that has no sex at all?

[Guest SweetnessBaby]

Is it really cheating though if we were strictly online? I agreed to no sexual play outside of us, but I didn't specifically ask that of him in return.

 

And yes, I have ended things with him since I wrote this post because the trust is no longer there.I would just like to know where I went wrong for future reference.

[Little kaiya]

Cheating isn't only sexual, it can also be emotional. In fact emotional cheating is often far more harmful and damaging.

 

As for your other point, well,I dont think you did anything wrong. You just unfortunately found a person who preferred to lie and cheat than have a relationship. There really isn't much you can do to prevent that happening.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Little kaiya

[LittleBunnyCici]

You not setting "Us being exclusive goes both ways" as a boundary =/= consent to him sleeping around on you - especially when he knows he was doing something wrong, because he didn't tell you about it.  You literally cannot consent to something that you do not even know is happening!

 

I would be very hesitant to attach a value judgement like "where you went wrong" to something like this.  You found someone who doesn't respect other people's boundaries and happiness as much as he respects his own, and that's not your fault.  What I would say is that this should be a learning experience for you.  Take some time to think back on all the things that happened in the relationship that you were uncomfortable with, and ask yourself "what could I have done differently that would have led  to a different outcome?"  Don't necessarily ask what would have led to a better outcome, just a different one, to keep your mind open.

 

What I would recommend for you is to take some time working on your communication skills.  You need to be able to have frank conversations with your partners about what the boundaries and expectations are for your relationship.  The respect and loyalty that comes with a relationship has to go both ways - you deserve to be respected the way you respect your partner - but if you don't have the ability to set and enforce the boundaries you need to feel safe and respected by your partner than abusers are going to notice that and zero in on you.

[Guest SweetnessBaby]

Cheating isn't only sexual, it can also be emotional. In fact emotional cheating is often far more harmful and damaging.

As for your other point, well,I dont think you did anything wrong. You just unfortunately found a person who preferred to lie and cheat than have a relationship. There really isn't much you can do to prevent that happening.

Thank you!

[Guest SweetnessBaby]

You not setting "Us being exclusive goes both ways" as a boundary =/= consent to him sleeping around on you - especially when he knows he was doing something wrong, because he didn't tell you about it.  You literally cannot consent to something that you do not even know is happening!

 

I would be very hesitant to attach a value judgement like "where you went wrong" to something like this.  You found someone who doesn't respect other people's boundaries and happiness as much as he respects his own, and that's not your fault.  What I would say is that this should be a learning experience for you.  Take some time to think back on all the things that happened in the relationship that you were uncomfortable with, and ask yourself "what could I have done differently that would have led  to a different outcome?"  Don't necessarily ask what would have led to a better outcome, just a different one, to keep your mind open.

 

What I would recommend for you is to take some time working on your communication skills.  You need to be able to have frank conversations with your partners about what the boundaries and expectations are for your relationship.  The respect and loyalty that comes with a relationship has to go both ways - you deserve to be respected the way you respect your partner - but if you don't have the ability to set and enforce the boundaries you need to feel safe and respected by your partner than abusers are going to notice that and zero in on you.

Thank you, I had thought our communications was good, but obviously not. I will certainly be more careful in the future.

[Nymph]

It sounds to me that by cutting off the sexual interaction online with you, he can avoid feeling like a complete jerk to that new little who he will keep dating and say that you are just "friends" with him. But he is still having an emotional affair with you and that is not cool if the other party has not agreed to it.

 

Also, that means, he had a commitment with you first so he (while getting to know her online) had an emotional affair THAT MOVED ON TO IN PERSON and then, he left you, or tried to. Let him leave.

 

The biggest red flag for me is that he blamed it on you, those kinds of guys, no matter what you do will. You said no sexual? well I have needs. You said sexual? well I need the real thing. You said real thing? well you better come here and lay on a silver platter for me. You said yes to everything? it's boring, I want a brat... you get the idea.

 

Sadly it is not rare that guys don't want to put all their eggs in one basket, so you either need to specify you and he should both stop looking or admit that you are friends and flirt and maybe even go further but there is nothing set in stone.

 

Worse things happen to some of us at first, so I think you should remember the good times and help you that be a guide for the kind of relationship you want. It does sound to me like you might be one of those few willing to go poly / triad / open relationship at some point, so do consider it. Since you are inexperienced though, it would probably be best to start off learning of the lifestyle and that you can do here

[Guest SweetnessBaby]

It sounds to me that by cutting off the sexual interaction online with you, he can avoid feeling like a complete jerk to that new little who he will keep dating and say that you are just "friends" with him. But he is still having an emotional affair with you and that is not cool if the other party has not agreed to it.

 

Also, that means, he had a commitment with you first so he (while getting to know her online) had an emotional affair THAT MOVED ON TO IN PERSON and then, he left you, or tried to. Let him leave.

 

The biggest red flag for me is that he blamed it on you, those kinds of guys, no matter what you do will. You said no sexual? well I have needs. You said sexual? well I need the real thing. You said real thing? well you better come here and lay on a silver platter for me. You said yes to everything? it's boring, I want a brat... you get the idea.

 

Sadly it is not rare that guys don't want to put all their eggs in one basket, so you either need to specify you and he should both stop looking or admit that you are friends and flirt and maybe even go further but there is nothing set in stone.

 

Worse things happen to some of us at first, so I think you should remember the good times and help you that be a guide for the kind of relationship you want. It does sound to me like you might be one of those few willing to go poly / triad / open relationship at some point, so do consider it. Since you are inexperienced though, it would probably be best to start off learning of the lifestyle and that you can do here

Thank you for your advice. He did blame me for something I had no control over and then hid the fact that he was engaging another little girl in conversation with hopes of meeting her. I am glad that I have ended things as I would never be able to trust him again.

As for the open relationship, probably not. Poly or a triad? Maybe, if the people or the circumstances were right.

But for now, I think I will stick to the basics and learn all I can before venturing into this again.

[Vampiress]

You definitely weren't in the wrong here. If anything, I'd advise being more clear with your expectations in the future but even if you ask a guy for exclusivity... if they're a jerk like this one, they'll still do whatever they want without a care for your feelings or any other littles they're leading along. I hope the other girl gets a clue too and moves on from him because he sounds like bad news that is always looking for new prospects.