In love with my best friend

[ApplePieMoonShine]

So I don't really know where else to post this, so I'll use it as my last resort.

 

Me and my best friend have known each other for years. By years I mean we got to know eachother the summer before 9th grade year, and I graduated in 2014. We are a little different in age, hes 2 years younger than me, but we've both be overly mature for our age.We live in two different states, but they're only about a 10 hour drive from each other.

 

A bit about our background. We've always been on the same wavelength, my best friend says its because our moon conjunct moon and his moon conjuncts my venus(birthchat expert for those who don't know). Like we have the same mind set, the same humor, we want the same things in life. Dont get me wrong, we have different tastes, but we can both agree on the mindset behind it. I don't think we've every argued. Like we have had our differences, but we have this strange way of communicating and understanding eachother that its never been a fight, only a discussion(if that makes any sense).

 

So the reason I'm here? We know pretty much anything and everything about eachother. Including sexual lifestyles. We are both really into heavy bdsm and ddlg. Weve talked about having sex and a few other things. Were always flirting, or what I feel like is flirting. Both sexually and non sexually. We dated once in the past, back in my 9th grade year and we were young, but haven't really talked about it since. We've always been super close though, even through my marriage that ended roughly 3-4 years ago. We even briefly met on a trip that I had, but only for a short instance.

 

My problem is that I think I've always been in love with him and I cant ever tell if he's wanted more or not. We had a trip planned, but that was canceled due to corona, and now I dont have the funds to actually go and see him. I really want to because I feel like it would be easier to find out in person what would be best for both of us. But I struggle with wanting to know now.

 

I told him once before how I felt. It was in a long paragraph about how I didn't hear from him for about a week cause he was busy and I basically was a bit insecure and told him that I liked him in the middle of it. And he kind of glossed over that part and said 'hey we still have plans for our vacation (this was a few months back) and I'm sorry that I've been busy but you're always the first person that I text when I can. My messages have been piling up and I apologize for that. Honestly I've never insecure texted him before or after that point so it was a bit of a low for me that he glossed over how I felt when I was feeling that way already. My best friend, the birthchart expert, says that his "pluto trine mars though. that may be what he acts that way. he get even more fearful of the what-if of a mistake, and can be brash in the way he tries to avoid it". But I still have doubts.

 

Hes never said he doesn't like me, but he hasn't said that he has. Like I said before we're always flirting, and talking about seeing eachother, and all this stuff. Hes basically the closest person in my life, and I dont know how to properly communicate my feelings for him, even though we connect on such a personal level for everything else. Its like my feelings for him are so strong that all sanity flies out the window. I want to know if its just all sexual for him or if he feels the same way, but I also feel like a part of him is distant, I guess as a just in case.

 

Hes always asking questions like 'what are you looking for? fwb? relationship? Platonic dom/sub relationship?' And we've talked about this site and he said he was gonna look through the personals to find mine and connect with me. He was the one that wanted to plan the vacation trip that we had, and even offered to pay for it. Weve sent memes that were more for relationships to eachother, not just sexual.

 

I just can't help but feel like that we are both tip toeing around an issue that's not even there because honestly we're both afraid, but I honestly don't know and I dont know what to do.

 

Hes all I ever wanted in life and more. Hes sweet, caring, a guider, he has ambitions, hes talented, smart, funny, and so many other things. But I still can't help but be afraid of losing all of that.

 

(If you have any questions just ask and I can let you know more)

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Why did things end between y'all when you dated in the past?

 

He glossed over your confession as in he ignored it altogether or he kind of dodged what you were saying? Were you direct about it so there could be no confusion as to what you meant?

 

In the future, I'd just suggest that you be open about how you feel. If it hurt that he glossed over what you said, say so or he won't know. No reason you should have to suffer in silence. It sounds like y'all are close enough to be able to have open discussions about these things that it shouldn't be a taboo subject -- especially if y'all dated in the past and talk about everything. It's something you need to talk about and understand his side so you can get closure on it either way because it sounds like the feelings are strong within you and probably won't fade any time soon -- especially since y'all are so close.

 

Of course it's up to you how you want to confront the issue again. You can choose to do it in person but I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it long distance either -- it just might require you to be more assertive.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Teasing Tink

[Lollipox]

It seems he may have "glossed over" your confession in order to save your feelings. 
 

But I also don't know if you're asking for advice or just venting?

 

Think about it- if you really have feelings for somebody, you're over the moon and enthralled when they express their obvious feelings for you. Even if you're unsure, if you have those feelings at all you express it right back to them. But he doesn't appear to be doing that. '

I dunno what to think though, if you truly believe he has romantic feelings for you. 
At some point you're better off loooking for someone who is equally excited to be with you though. Whether it's a friend or a partner- if they don't share your enthusiasm, you may end up feeling unappreciated and that it's not mutual. 
 

I would also say that I'm inexperienced as far as these matters go however. 
What does your gut feeling honestly tell you? Do you love him so much that you're unintentionally tricking yourself into thinking it's mutual, or do you genuinely think you know him well enough to know how he acts around somebody he's romantically inclined toward? (M not being judgmental, I really do just want to know what you believe deep down).

Because although a 3rd party POV may be helpful- none of us know him like you do. 

[LittleTeacup]

You say you were married once. Has he ever been in a committed relationship with someone? Has he talked to you about being romantically interested in anyone? It's possible he likes you back and is afraid of messing up the friendship somehow. It's also possible he's aromantic (if he's never shown romantic interest in anyone). Or it's possible he isn't into you that way and doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he avoids mentioning it.

 

You could say it's the elephant in the room and must be plainly and honestly discussed if you want to stop wondering about it. Tell him to reflect on it, then when travel is possible again take that trip and the two of you work it out together. Be prepared for him possibly not returning your feelings. But trying to get an answer through text or even a phone call is not ideal, so waiting until you can meet up is best.

[Nymph]

He offered to look for someone else for you...

 

Meaning he does not see you guys being a long term thing other than friends and perhaps casual lovers or flirt buddies. He cares for you as a friend, that is why he doesn't want to hurt you or ghost on you. If this keeps up you might end up pushing him into a corner.

 

All the rest is your wishful thinking I am afraid  

 

The good news is, perhaps you are just confused because you love him as a friend and he is the only person you can be yourself with, finding more people who accept you for who you are will make a world of difference, regardless if it's dating or friends.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just my guess, I could be wrong but I thought maybe you needed to hear this.

[ApplePieMoonShine]

Why did things end between y'all when you dated in the past?

 

He glossed over your confession as in he ignored it altogether or he kind of dodged what you were saying? Were you direct about it so there could be no confusion as to what you meant?

 

In the future, I'd just suggest that you be open about how you feel. If it hurt that he glossed over what you said, say so or he won't know. No reason you should have to suffer in silence. It sounds like y'all are close enough to be able to have open discussions about these things that it shouldn't be a taboo subject -- especially if y'all dated in the past and talk about everything. It's something you need to talk about and understand his side so you can get closure on it either way because it sounds like the feelings are strong within you and probably won't fade any time soon -- especially since y'all are so close.

 

Of course it's up to you how you want to confront the issue again. You can choose to do it in person but I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it long distance either -- it just might require you to be more assertive.

 

Honestly they ended because we were long distance and his mom found out about us. I wouldn't say I was fully direct, I don't have the whole message, but it was a whole paragraph about a bunch of things with me saying 'and it hurts because honestly I like you.' in there. 

 

The only reason I want to do so in person is so theirs no miscommunications.

[ApplePieMoonShine]

It seems he may have "glossed over" your confession in order to save your feelings. 

 

But I also don't know if you're asking for advice or just venting?

 

Think about it- if you really have feelings for somebody, you're over the moon and enthralled when they express their obvious feelings for you. Even if you're unsure, if you have those feelings at all you express it right back to them. But he doesn't appear to be doing that. '

 

I dunno what to think though, if you truly believe he has romantic feelings for you. 

At some point you're better off loooking for someone who is equally excited to be with you though. Whether it's a friend or a partner- if they don't share your enthusiasm, you may end up feeling unappreciated and that it's not mutual. 

 

I would also say that I'm inexperienced as far as these matters go however. 

What does your gut feeling honestly tell you? Do you love him so much that you're unintentionally tricking yourself into thinking it's mutual, or do you genuinely think you know him well enough to know how he acts around somebody he's romantically inclined toward? (M not being judgmental, I really do just want to know what you believe deep down).

Because although a 3rd party POV may be helpful- none of us know him like you do. 

 

Honestly for a while, that is what I believed. I thought I was placing feelings where they weren't, so I backed away for a few months. But he messaged me and showed all these signs, and I do know hes also had some trauma in the past so I don't know if these are just barriers that he is putting up or what.

[ApplePieMoonShine]

You say you were married once. Has he ever been in a committed relationship with someone? Has he talked to you about being romantically interested in anyone? It's possible he likes you back and is afraid of messing up the friendship somehow. It's also possible he's aromantic (if he's never shown romantic interest in anyone). Or it's possible he isn't into you that way and doesn't want to hurt your feelings so he avoids mentioning it.

 

You could say it's the elephant in the room and must be plainly and honestly discussed if you want to stop wondering about it. Tell him to reflect on it, then when travel is possible again take that trip and the two of you work it out together. Be prepared for him possibly not returning your feelings. But trying to get an answer through text or even a phone call is not ideal, so waiting until you can meet up is best.

 

Hes been in many relationships prior, and we have talked a lot about them. Some of his exs were awful. But he is also very private, typically, with his relationships unless its a one of one. We joke around a lot about tinder and a lot of things and how terrible it is all the time. I would say hes always had trouble discussing his emotions, with anything, and hes the type that always has to have a joke, even when hes upset/angry/etc. This is also why I'm not sure if he does or doesn't have feelings because he can be very hard to read. 

[ApplePieMoonShine]

He offered to look for someone else for you...

 

Meaning he does not see you guys being a long term thing other than friends and perhaps casual lovers or flirt buddies. He cares for you as a friend, that is why he doesn't want to hurt you or ghost on you. If this keeps up you might end up pushing him into a corner.

 

All the rest is your wishful thinking I am afraid

 

The good news is, perhaps you are just confused because you love him as a friend and he is the only person you can be yourself with, finding more people who accept you for who you are will make a world of difference, regardless if it's dating or friends.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just my guess, I could be wrong but I thought maybe you needed to hear this.

 

I'm sorry but when did he offer to look for someone else for me? I remember saying he was gonna look through personals on here to find mine and connect with me, but not find someone else for me? I'm confused on that part because hes never offered to look for someone else for me.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Honestly they ended because we were long distance and his mom found out about us. I wouldn't say I was fully direct, I don't have the whole message, but it was a whole paragraph about a bunch of things with me saying 'and it hurts because honestly I like you.' in there. 

 

The only reason I want to do so in person is so theirs no miscommunications.

So,it sounds like the romance initially ended between you both due to an outside party/both young and not because you both wanted it to at the time? If that's the case, I'm surprised y'all didn't get back together later because that's sort of like unfinished business.

 

Ah,I see. Some people need more directness/clarity, so there's no way they can possibly misinterpret it and so they don't feel like they have to risk embarrasing themselves if they're wrong in their interpretation. I expressed myself in a more indirect/subtle way the first time I told my friend (now boyfriend) I liked him because I figured he would be able to read in between the lines at that point that I was romantically interested in him since we flirted all the time. But since I wasn't clear about it the first time I confessed, he took my "I love you" statement as a friend "I love you" until a month or so later where I explained to him my feelings in depth so there could be no mistaking or ignoring it. It turned out the feelings were very mutual and I read things right. Of course, your situation is a bit different, my point is just that sometimes people need it said in no uncertain terms.

 

Anyways, I wish the best for both of you whenever you do wind up telling him again. Good luck!

[LittleTeacup]

Hes been in many relationships prior, and we have talked a lot about them. Some of his exs were awful. But he is also very private, typically, with his relationships unless its a one of one. We joke around a lot about tinder and a lot of things and how terrible it is all the time. I would say hes always had trouble discussing his emotions, with anything, and hes the type that always has to have a joke, even when hes upset/angry/etc. This is also why I'm not sure if he does or doesn't have feelings because he can be very hard to read. 

 

Ok, so that scratches the aromantic possibility out. If you really can't wait for an in-person discussion, maybe consider showing him this thread? It spells out your thoughts pretty clearly.

[Nymph]

I'm sorry but when did he offer to look for someone else for me? I remember saying he was gonna look through personals on here to find mine and connect with me, but not find someone else for me? I'm confused on that part because hes never offered to look for someone else for me.

 

Ah it sounded to me like he was looking for other ads that might be compatible with you, I misread... which makes me wonder if he got the main message on that text, he might be clueless for all you know!

 

I do get the feeling he doesn't want commitment though. However you will be in limbo forever if neither of you has the balls to be direct... I find it extremely annoying lol and that is probably why I get the vibe that you guys are not a match and should move on, it's just easier that way and I like my relationships easy ;

 

Daddy and I were acquaintances online for 3 years before we decided to get to know each other and meet in person, we both agree if we had tried to date before things wouldn't have worked out so well. We have been married for 7 years, so do consider it might be a timing matter too.

[Vampiress]

If you weren't super direct and clear with him, he may not have caught what you said. Or maybe he did and it made him nervous and he wasn't sure what to say. I wouldn't assume like some others that he's simply sparing your feelings, or isn't interested. I'm really not going to assume either way because of the signs he shows you but his unwillingness to be direct with you so far as well.

 

Maybe he likes you but he's afraid for some reason. Maybe he's just too shy to say anything. Maybe he worries about the distance being an issue. Maybe he doesn't want to ruin what an awesome friendship you guys have. Maybe he isn't interested in the commitment. So many maybes and we don't know him at all and there's a lot of missing context here.

 

You guys have been friends for years. It's time to buck up and be 100% open and honest with each other.  You need to figure out if there is something there or if it's time to move on from those feelings so you can fully give your heart to someone else should they come along. Same thing for him. You both deserve to know the truth, and I know it's scary knowing it may not work out but it's better than lingering on what ifs and maybe for years and years longer. All of us here on the forum can assume and debate and try to figure out what's going on from the little context you've given, but there's years of interactions there we aren't privvy to so we can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. All you can do is go to the source and ask him yourself, and this time don't hint at what your own feelings are.

 

I do wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have a great friendship and I really hope that it can blossom into more where you can both be very happy.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Batgirl