Daddy might be a switch, but I dont wanna!

[Guest Baby_Banana]

So I'm really new to discovering that I am a little, it's just part of my personality and I just thought I was always child like or young at heart, but I realized that this is a thing and its incredibly important to me. It gives me so much peace and really excites me!! I told my boyfriend about it many months ago and he said he could definitely get down with learning to be my daddy. And we've had a lot of ups and downs lately and so I haven't really felt comfortable being little cause I always need to be big so we can figure out what's best for our relationship, and I just kinda put my little side on the back burner. But the other day we were in a really good place and I said I was feeling like maybe I could let myself be little more now. Then he started talking about how he wants to be little sometimes too and wants to be cared for and I'm confused. I asked him if he thought he needed a mommy and he said he sometimes does feel that way, but I dont wanna!!! I'M BABYGIRL!!! I'm not mommy at all and have no desire to be dom. But I also could try if that's what he needs, but it really turned me off and hurt my feelings and I dont know what to do. I told him that it's not in my nature, I'm always gonna be there when he needs me if he's sad or sick or whatever, that's different, but him acting like he might be little too??? YUCK!!! I cant respect him as my daddy dom if he is little EVER! I love him and we can do the normal relationship thing where we're both just big I guess, but it leaves me feeling empty, that I'm denying a part of me that I just realized was allowed!! I'm torn, and I dont know what to do, please help!!!!! Am I being unreasonable? I am a brat, and I do t like to share, and this is MINE!!! Not his, i dont want this!

[Guest Acenya]

While I understand that you're feeling confused and don't know how to handle this newly discovered information about him, saying "yuck" and losing respect for him is really harsh.

Imagine how it felt like for you when you first brought up your interest in ddlg, then imagine how hard it must've been for him to admit those feelings.

You're entitled to have a preference and nobody can force you to be a caregiver or a dominant for him, but he is also entitled to his feelings.

This is something you both need to discuss with each other.

 

Would he be happy being only in a daddy role for you or does he feel strongly about wanting to be little as well?

Have you thought that the way you feel empty when you deny yourself being little might be something he experiences as well?

What if he continues to be your daddy but has a separate mommy for when he's feeling little?

 

I think it would do good for both of you to put yourself in each other's shoes, so to speak, and think of the situation from both perspectives.

There is really no other way to solve this than communication. You should both be able to compromise to make it work, not only one of you. 

[LittleTeacup]

It's completely ok that you don't want to be a mommy, but please think about how your boyfriend must feel being honest with you and getting rejected so harshly. He's probably figuring himself out just like you're figuring yourself out. If it's not your nature to be mommy, maybe you two could be little together when he feels that way? It's not fair to try to prevent him from ever being little if that's a part of him, and if you can't accept this part of your boyfriend maybe the relationship has hit the end of the road? I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to decide how important it is to have a partner who is only ever dominant and whether it's more important than staying with your current partner.

 

Maybe a compromise is possible? He only does little things by himself away from you and continues to daddy you otherwise? You have to tell him your feelings calmly and ask for his point of view.

[Alaskan Daddy]

From what you have said it sounds like you are the strong adult in the relationship. It sounds like you have been making the important decisions to keep the relationship going. You have already been the DOM when it comes to making important adult decisions in this relationship. So in some respect your BF has been acting like a SUB. It sounds like you have been taking care of him at times.  But It is not wrong for you to want to have him to be your DADDY/DOM only and for you to the only LITTLE/SUB in the relationship. Those are your feelings and wants and desires. At the same time your BF shared with you his feelings and wants and desires.  I don't feel he is going to change, because that is who he is,  just as you will not change because that is who you are.

I will say it again there is nothing wrong or selfish in the way you feel. That is how you feel and you can't help the way you feel. You need to decide what you are going to be firm with if the relationship is going to go forward. Remember you do not need to settle. You also need to ask yourself how important is it for you to be able to let your little side be part of your life.

I feel like you need to have a 'heart-to-heart' talk with your BF with what you want and how you feel and ask him to respect those feelings. At the same time ask him what he wants and how he feels and you have to respect his feelings as well. 

Until that happens you may not know how to proceed with the relationship. 

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck

[RainDoeSprinkles]

I heard a podcast about this once. It was the Big little podcast. They said something about the idea of the couple trying out being little together just for short periods of time now and then, and when it gets too difficult for the little, (that would be you), they have a special phrase they use like a safe word. One example was, "I need my Daddy". Then the scene can end and you would both go back to your usual role of Daddy and little.

[SmolAetherr]

you are being pretty unreasonable, using words like "cant respect" and "yuck" its pretty horrible and i really hope you didnt say any of that to his face because thats quite hurtful things to say

 

i certainly wouldnt ever use language like that to another person if you dont want to deal with a switch boyfriend thats fine, nobody can blame you for having preferances but dont be for the lack of a better word, act bigoted towards him. he is just as valid as you

Edited April 26, 2020 by Aetherr

[SmolAetherr]

I heard a podcast about this once. It was the Big little podcast. They said something about the idea of the couple trying out being little together just for short periods of time now and then, and when it gets too difficult for the little, (that would be you), they have a special phrase they use like a safe word. One example was, "I need my Daddy". Then the scene can end and you would both go back to your usual role of Daddy and little.

its a great idea but what if the switch in this scenario didnt want to be big?

[_panda_pwincess]

i understand how you feel, but maybe use a different set of words to describe your feelings. i just found out that my daddy is a switch also and it's very upsetting and disappointing as a strict sub and little. I told him though that I don't shame him for it and it's not necessarily a bad thing in general, it's just how he feels and what he likes. but I did tell him that it honestly made me really disappointed and sad since he could possibly switch on me or want to and it would make me really uncomfortable as there is no dominate bone in my body. to be honest I don't know how to feel or what to do right now but I know I don't want him to feel bad for being who he is..  

[Lollipox]

I respect your honesty in speaking out about how you genuinely feel about the situation. However honesty comes at a price when it's on a public platform. 

So just understand there will be some people upset by your POV, because a lot of people here have been involved in the lifestyle for a long time and they've either experienced someone rejecting who they are or seen someone else be affected by these kinds of opinions. 

 

I understand being squeamish about him making the admission that he wants to try being a little sometimes too. But his idea of what "being little" means may be different to yours. It varies from person to person. 

It's possible that what he's asking for is being mistaken by him, as something he can only get if he's Little.

E.g. being nurtured, doted on, cuddled, or playing games and that kinda stuff. 

All of those are reasonable in a normal relationship, not DD/lg or MD/lg specific. 

 

There are plenty of Littles who do those things for/with their Daddies, not meaning they're babying them- but just showing they care and giving them a lot of affection and attention. 

 

Maybe ask him what his version of being little means. And whether he just wants the emotional and affectionate part of it, or if he's more interested in the roleplaying side of it. 

 

I can understand you feeling like you've just come out to him to express your desire for a Daddy, and you would've been nervous but excited to come out to him about it. Then to have him agree to try being your Daddy- only to later tell you that actually he wants to be a Little too. But maybe you've made it sound so appealing (cuz can't lie, it's nice being a Little). 

 

Perhaps gain more knowledge on what different terminologies in the community mean, what different people do in their dynamic, and figure out what about being a Little is drawing him in and whether he'd be okay receiving the affection from you as Daddy and Little. 

[Vampiress]

I can relate to the feelings of needing someone who is strictly Dominant/Caregiver role and them being a switch potentially undermining their authority in your mind when they are also submissive/little sometimes. However, I agree with everyone else on the way you've worded/reacted to this. Regardless of this situation, he's still your boyfriend, the person you love and you guys should be on the same team. Even if the situation is disappointing, it's best to approach this with sensitivity and compassion. He can't help how he feels, and I imagine he'll feel bad or feel doubts because he doesn't meet your expectations in this regard. You'll have to decide what's best for you and he needs to decide what's best for him. If this is non-negotiable then perhaps it has come to the point of moving on, but you should consider other alternatives if you can. Maybe you can have platonic caregivers or babysitters. Maybe you can let him be little with you as like a play friend if you can handle it. You never know until you try it, could be more fun than you realize. If you were harsh with him, I would advise going back to him and apologizing because I imagine that really hurt his feelings and will make him uncomfortable about being open and honest with you.

[Guest Baby_Banana]

Just because I expressed my feelings in that way on here does not mean that I would ever ever tell him those things. What I told him was that I dont know how I feel about it and that it's not in my nature to be a caregiver to my daddy. I am the caregiver in every other aspect of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend. But I told him I could learn to to that for him, because I love him. But INSIDE is where the feelings of THIS IS NOT FAIR are happening and I'm expressing them here.

[Nymph]

I can totally relate to your post, it is my worst nightmare that my Daddy would tell me this!!! and I must admit the reaction in my mind would probably be exactly the same as yours. Knowing full well how some things are better left unsaid or be careful on how to express them just like you did.

 

I am like you, a little who is ok of taking care of daddy when he stressed, sad or sick but this is different, I am still his little girl. I have no interest in being anyone's mommy. I wouldn't mind giving being a dom a try at certain point but not with Daddy and not in the DDlg scene if that makes sense, that is sacred territory for me!

 

But not all is lost, he is new to this and so are you. Perhaps he is just a bit confused and spoke without thinking, it could very well be that he is a bit submissive and wants to see you in charge once in a while more than him being little himself. I think trying to be a little dom (without the mommy part) in a roleplaying setting first might be a good compromise that way you can just imagine daddy is playing along and that you are a queen and he is your servant or something of the sort.

 

You guys could do quizzes to explore his submissive side and check if he is into masochism as well. Although littles can have this in the mix, if he doesn't and says what he really wants is play with plushies and use a paci then it will be pretty clear that he really meant little and not only that, he might want to regress or has a younger little age than yourself.

 

Life is not fair, we need to adapt and compromise, but that doesn't mean you need to stop being yourself or do something you do not want.

[LittlePupRune]

I was in your boyfriends situation. Unfortunately it didn't end well (granted there were other more pressing issues with the relationship but that type of ultimatum did contribute). My partner knew I was a switch, but our dynamic was strictly myself as D-type and Big, and them as s-type and little. However in a conversation where I mentioned an interest to try the other side, but said I knew they weren't comfortable switching, a similar attitude was expressed and it really hurt. Being told that they wouldn't and couldn't acknowledge that I wasn't strictly a d-type was harmful. They also expressed issues respecting me due to that idea. It caused me to withdraw a lot and not trust them with a bunch of self-exploration and ideas and desires. It seriously messed me up and I had issues being comfortable with that side of myself after the relationship had ended. I still occasionally get weird feeling of guilt and being gross or disgusting for wanting to be submissive or little.

I would be careful with wording when you talk to your boyfriend. But you do need to talk about it. Whether or not thats discussing alternatives, or, unfortunately this is an option, realizing there are massive incompatibilities. If you cannot be comfortable with your partner switching at all you'll need to realize the repercussions of that. Not to be mean, but if thats the case, it healthier for both of you to separate or seriously work on it. Otherwise there will likely be resentment on one or both sides.

[Vampiress]

Just because I expressed my feelings in that way on here does not mean that I would ever ever tell him those things. What I told him was that I dont know how I feel about it and that it's not in my nature to be a caregiver to my daddy. I am the caregiver in every other aspect of my life, including my relationship with my boyfriend. But I told him I could learn to to that for him, because I love him. But INSIDE is where the feelings of THIS IS NOT FAIR are happening and I'm expressing them here.

 

Totally fair, that's why I only said if you reacted poorly with him it might be best to go back and have a more compassionate conversation between the two of you... on both sides really, because him wanting to change the dynamic has also upset you and so it's best to be kind with each other on both sides even if you're both hurting or needing something that may never be exactly the way you want it. I totally understand where you're coming from. I do hope that you two can find some compromise to continue your relationship, but if not I hope you two will be okay and find what it is you both need.

Edited July 8, 2020 by Batgirl