Falling for a vanilla male.

[LilSubbi]

Hello fellow littles (and daddies),

 

If you would be so kind, I'd really like your opinion on a matter.  Allow me to explain~

 

Some background info first, I'm a little(/middle) and have been in a DDLG relationship before, didn't work out well due to too many reasons, so me and my daddy at the time decided to just part ways. We both agreed that this was for the best. I know that I am a little/middle since approx 5 years now, which means that I am aware that I have specific needs (rules, punishments, lots of love, etc). This isn't a want, but a very important need. I'm sure most of you can relate.

 

Now I have fallen for a male. A gorgeous and 36 year old man, tall, strong, broad shouldered, etc. The interest we have in each other is mutual. Only, he isn't a (daddy) dom. In fact, when I (very carefully) asked for his opinion about BDSM and similar fetishes, he has shown disgust for anything only a bit kinky related. Spankings, handcuffs, rough sex, he says he wants none of that. Needless to say, this is very much a disappointment to me. Not only because it's something I enjoy partaking in to spice up my sex life, but also because that means he wouldn't be able to answer my needs and be a (daddy) dom.

 

Are there really still people out there that are that much against it? It's so hard to believe especially with movies like fifty shades of grey going mainstream. Or perhaps... could he be afraid to admit because he might think it'll be a red flag to me?
Not sure if it makes a difference, but he grew up without dad and is youngest child of 4 kids. The other siblings are all sisters so he was raised in a women-dominated household and likely drilled with the fact that anything only a bit "rough" towards a woman is wrong. 

 

Anyway, I'm not sure how to proceed... I feel if I come out and be honest with him, chances are that he'll be freaked out and want nothing to do with me anymore, but on the other hand I am scared that if I pretend to be "vanilla" (with my little side locked up) and this becomes an actual relationship, it will make me extremely unhappy.

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thank you in advance.

 

(Sorry if my writing is a bit vague, English isn't my first language).

[lilvioletcub]

Your well being should come first and procceding with a relationship based on a lie (hiding your little self) won't make eaither of you happy.

I think you need to procced carefully but tell him you are a little/middle explain bluntly that you do not expect him to partak in this side of you if it makes him uncomfertable but you need times to be this side of you even if it's just on your own (non sexually) explain that this is a big part of who you are and while he doesn't have to embrace BDSM or anything of the sort he should accept you for you and then work on how to make a relationship from both your needs, limits, etc.

[Darkling]

Take him to a sex shop if possible... one of those friendly open ones. They always have some kinda kinky things in there... Then suggest that you buy some of them, such as handcuffs etc. Maybe he does want it, and is afraid to admit. Maybe he genuinely doesn't, there are a lot of people who genuinely have no desire for bdsm at all....
Some men really don't 'get' hints.. and you have to be very open. But I think now is the time that you need to be clear and find out. It is a big part of you.. and hiding it won't make you happy. If he's in love, and only knows half of you... he's not in love with you. You deserve that. 

 

[BodicainDaddy]

This is a very difficult situation, you have my absolute sympathy and I really hope improvement comes; here are my thoughts:

 

There is a strand of thought amongst hetrosexual men that kinky sex is the preserve of "lesser men" whose pure primal sexuality is "not good enough" to satisfy their partners, it is possible your partner's quick-and-fast "ew no" reaction is based on an ego-stroking desire to indicate to you that he's all about the sex, he's got the skills and the goods, naturally, therefore he doesn't need toys and whips and what not. This can obviously fly very heavily in the face of his own inner desires.

 

When it comes to his desires, while kink is being somewhat more accepted (just) the overwhelming paradigm remains "dominatrixes are hot, dom-men are serial killers waiting to happen", so it is equally possible that inside he may enjoy any number of rule-and-control sexual fantasies, but is afraid that any revelation of this may make women leave instantly or see him as a bit of freaky fun to dump later on.

 

Given that your focus in dom terms is on Daddies, I think you do have an "in" in the sense that DD/lg play is "control without (overt) force" which may appeal to any nurturing desires he will hopefully have, and from there, in the interest of being a good provider/nurturer of you, he may be convinced to act out your fantasies and -hopefully- reveal and integrate his own.

 

These are very subtle and slow approaches though. If I was in your position, I would lay it on the line and say to him that he's got all these spectacular attributes but there is one part of him you *want* and *need* him to fulfil and you need to know he's ready to explore/learn that or there will be a space in your life that *can only* lead to later problems (unless he's into poly).

[Guest MyDaddyMyWorld]

Well for starters, he is not the one for you, end of story. When we try change someone to fit what we want, we have already failed.

Another point, to be honest, fifty shades is such a ridiculous joke that its more likely to put people off, lol.

You need to stop worrying about people that don't understand your choices or your feelings, and concentrate on being patient until you find the right man for you. That vanilla guy is nowhere close to being him.

Some people get it, some people don't. When I realised what I truly needed, I knew my chances of finding it in the vanilla world were next to none. I had only ever had vanilla guys before, and they all failed miserably, partly due to that. Even back when I didn't really know this is what I needed, I knew that to me they were pointless little boys.

I joined fetlife and yes, its filled with losers, morons and players. Guys that are putting on an act to get laid or for a bit of online fun.

But then I met my daddy. He blew me away. The man I had always truly wanted. Took me to my 43rd year in this life, but he is my soulmate.

Just be patient. And never settle for less than you need and believe you deserve. Forget second best. But also try chill a bit. Take some time. Be patient and open to new experiences.

[Guest MyDaddyMyWorld]

I could never be with anyone that showed any kind of disgust with this deep part of who I am. I would have no desire to try and "change" him.

Some people are just incompatible, simple as that.

This guy has made it more than clear he has absolutely no interest in it. Its not her job to try "train" him.

Only my opinion.

[Guest Penny]

Yeah you should never try to fit someone into a mold. People are who they are and if he's disgusted by this then your best bet would be to sit down with yourself and try to decide what you want in your life.

 

Maybe explain to him what this is all about and how you in particular feel about it. If DD/lg isn't something you can live without be honest with him about that. If you explain it to him as it being something very dear to you maybe he will try to learn but you can't force the issue. If he does some research and experimentation on his own then great but if he doesn't then you may have to let him go.

 

Think of it this way, how would you feel if someone you loved was into something that you COULD NOT participate in? How comfortable would you be if they tried to force you to participate even though it made your skin crawl?

 

It sucks that even in the BDSM world this is something of a taboo and it makes things a tad difficult for people like us but it's not impossible. It's just a matter of holding out for the right person.

 

You can love someone very much even if all of the peices don't fit and as sucky as that is, it's how love works.

 

One of two things can happen here:

 

1) you can find a middle ground or sacrifice this side of yourself to fit his mold

 

Or

 

2) you can let him go and wait for someone who will love every part of who you are.

 

The choice is up to you.

[Nice_Daddy]

My opinion is that you should either put it to him in very plain language or move on.  I agree with the others, that you need to be patient and find someone that can fit all of your needs and not just some of them.  It may be difficult to sit down and start this very serious discussion with him but how difficult do you think it would be keeping your little locked away for the rest of your time together?

 

About the 'disgust' issue.  I think there are some distinctions that need to be made.  One would be the general disgust of anything DD/lg, which could stem from ignorance of the dynamic.  Many people that I talk to look at DD/lg sexual play as incest or underage fantasy because they have no clue about it's true function.  These people could show disgust because they are not informed and with education they could change their opinions.

 

Secondly, if he shows disgust for somehting that you have an interest in and has a good grasp of the true dynamic.  Yeah, you are wasting your time with him.  (@MyDaddyMyWorld - I do enjoy your posts and how direct and succint you are.  Thank you.)

 

I do wish you the best of luck with this and I hope that it all works out for you in the end.

[Lisa]

Erm, yeah, we should be accepting of those who dislike bdsm/ddlg; just as we want them to accept us... For me, it would depend on where the relationship was... I am not sure what "interest we have in each other is mutual" means. If I am not in a committed relationship, I would not "come out" to him. Once we decided to be exclusive, then yes, I would express important wants/needs. But then, I am a private personk and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I share more with my "boyfriend" than the guy I'm just hanging out with.

[Guest NewYorkDaddy]

Hello fellow littles (and daddies),

 

If you would be so kind, I'd really like your opinion on a matter. Allow me to explain~

 

Some background info first, I'm a little(/middle) and have been in a DDLG relationship before, didn't work out well due to too many reasons, so me and my daddy at the time decided to just part ways. We both agreed that this was for the best. I know that I am a little/middle since approx 5 years now, which means that I am aware that I have specific needs (rules, punishments, lots of love, etc). This isn't a want, but a very important need. I'm sure most of you can relate.

 

Now I have fallen for a male. A gorgeous and 36 year old man, tall, strong, broad shouldered, etc. The interest we have in each other is mutual. Only, he isn't a (daddy) dom. In fact, when I (very carefully) asked for his opinion about BDSM and similar fetishes, he has shown disgust for anything only a bit kinky related. Spankings, handcuffs, rough sex, he says he wants none of that. Needless to say, this is very much a disappointment to me. Not only because it's something I enjoy partaking in to spice up my sex life, but also because that means he wouldn't be able to answer my needs and be a (daddy) dom.

 

Are there really still people out there that are that much against it? It's so hard to believe especially with movies like fifty shades of grey going mainstream. Or perhaps... could he be afraid to admit because he might think it'll be a red flag to me?

Not sure if it makes a difference, but he grew up without dad and is youngest child of 4 kids. The other siblings are all sisters so he was raised in a women-dominated household and likely drilled with the fact that anything only a bit "rough" towards a woman is wrong.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure how to proceed... I feel if I come out and be honest with him, chances are that he'll be freaked out and want nothing to do with me anymore, but on the other hand I am scared that if I pretend to be "vanilla" (with my little side locked up) and this becomes an actual relationship, it will make me extremely unhappy.

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Thank you in advance.

 

(Sorry if my writing is a bit vague, English isn't my first language).

Lay over his lap and wiggle your butt and wink at him. Everything will fall into place.

 

Every relationship is different. He will love you in his own way. And it may be amazing.

[Magi]

I don't know, I would say give it a try, not hide your little side but try a relationship and see where it goes. You never know, he may grow to like it and be a daddy dom. However, I would say that if you don't look at it you will always have the ifs.

[SweetMarie]

Communication is important; even if you just start out with subtle words/actions on the topic. I think without it you will always wonder.

[Guest Jennyanydots]

Ok, first, 50 Shades is probably more likely to turn people OFF of BDSM lifestyle than onto it. I wouldn't suggest that to be the first thing you show him.

 

You have to know who you are before making decisions about relationships with other people. After all, you can't know how you relate (relationship = how people relate to each other) to another person if you don't even know who you are. So, figure out exactly what you NEED from a relationship. Prioritize, prioritze, prioritize. No matter how amazing and wonderful and gorgeous someone is, if they simply cannot meet your needs, it won't work out. So decide for sure what those needs are. Those things you simply cannot live without in a relationship. Once you know, be honest with your partner. Tell your partner exactly what you need and exactly what you expect. If your partner know what you need and can't or won't give it to you, then it is time to move on.

 

Yes, there are still a lot of vanilla people out there. Not everyone has kinks and not everyone needs them. Some people are put off by kink because they don't understand it and they are afraid of what they don't understand (it challenges their personal dogma which they have spent a lifetime building). Some people have mental health problems or trauma that prevents them from enjoying kink. Some people understand it and just aren't into it. There are 7 billion people on the planet and they heave 7 billion different needs. The objective is to find one (or more) people who can meet your needs and whos needs you can also meet.

 

Maybe your boyfriend is an amazing and wonderful guy who cannot meet your needs sexually. Perhaps an open relationship would work for you? Something you might consider asking him about, if you are into that.