A Outsider Looking In

[Unknown???]

I will be very straight forward, I am not part of the DDLG community and probably won't ever be, just isn't my thing. With that out of the way the reason why I made this account was because I have something bothering me and I'm desperate for help as to what to do/think. Like I said I am not part of the DDLG community so I do not know much about it besides basic information. Anyway here is my concern, I'm dating a guy who is into and is part of DDLG. He is a daddy dom to someone and I without a doubt do not believe he would ever cheat on me with his little, but knowing he has a little still very much upsets me, it makes me feel insecure and jealous even. My reasons for feeling like this is for one when i had met her she made it obvious she liked my bf (he was my friend at the time) and he even stated he knew she did (he told me today that she has someone she likes atm but it still bothers me), no matter how you phrase it DDLG is a kink whether sex is involved or not and he  is satisfying that kink with someone other than me, knowing he has a relationship with a woman that is maybe even closer and rawer than ours makes me feel insecure and extremely jealous because i cannot have that same closeness with him, knowing that she calls him daddy (even though its not in a sexual way) and i call him it when we are intimate makes my stomach turn (being called daddy is a huge turn on to him). I voiced my upset to him and he made it clear that he was not going to stop doing what hes doing or stop talking to her (which i never said anything about not wanting him to talk to her). He just thinks that i feel he would cheat on me and thats not the issue, the feelings i feel on it are to complex for me to properly explain or really understand, all i know is that i HATE him being in this DDLG relationship. I really like my bf and idk what to do because i feel i cannot get over this....if anyone can give me advice or just a outside opinion on this id greatly appreciate it.

[SmolAetherr]

have you talked to him about your worries about his little and how she feels about him?

has he done anything to reinforce the platonic nature of that relationship?

can you make peace with their relationship if it were to remain platonic?

do you trust him?

 

 

here is the thing, platonic or not you need to be okay with what he is doing, accept him for what he is he has made it clear stopping/suppressing his preferances is a dealbreaker which i agree with nobody should have to hide who they are or what they like for the sake of others

 

but on the flip side there should be some compromise

if he is not willing to compromise with you and you are not willing to compromise with him then this wont stop

 

think about this, say he stops seeing his little, is he going to get the dd/lg experiance from you the way he wants

odds are no he wont so he will feel unfufilled and resentful

 

then say he does stop, do you think it will get better knowing he wants more than what you can/are willing to offer?

your insecurity and his unfufillment

 

 

i personally think his desire to be a daddy is something he should be able to explore either with you or with her and i dont think you are right to ask/demand he stop

 

 

so you honestly need to take some time to yourself and consider if what you have with this man is really working because more often than not "love" is not enough, there are many more things to consider when looking for a long term match especially one that asks you to sacrifice parts of your identity, its not worth it.

 

if you want my opinion. let him go but make sure its for the best because you cannot undo that if it turns out to be a mistake

Edited April 13, 2020 by Aetherr

[Unknown???]

have you talked to him about your worries about his little and how she feels about him?

has he done anything to reinforce the platonic nature of that relationship?

can you make peace with their relationship if it were to remain platonic?

do you trust him?

 

 

here is the thing, platonic or not you need to be okay with what he is doing, accept him for what he is he has made it clear stopping/suppressing his preferances is a dealbreaker which i agree with nobody should have to hide who they are or what they like for the sake of others

 

but on the flip side there should be some compromise

if he is not willing to compromise with you and you are not willing to compromise with him then this wont stop

 

think about this, say he stops seeing his little, is he going to get the dd/lg experiance from you the way he wants

odds are no he wont so he will feel unfufilled and resentful

 

then say he does stop, do you think it will get better knowing he wants more than what you can/are willing to offer?

your insecurity and his unfufillment

 

 

i personally think his desire to be a daddy is something he should be able to explore either with you or with her and i dont think you are right to ask/demand he stop

 

 

so you honestly need to take some time to yourself and consider if what you have with this man is really working because more often than not "love" is not enough, there are many more things to consider when looking for a long term match especially one that asks you to sacrifice parts of your identity, its not worth it.

 

if you want my opinion. let him go but make sure its for the best because you cannot undo that if it turns out to be a mistake

I for the record do not shun him for his kink, i have kinks of my own and would never want him to have to feel or make him stop because of my uncomfort. I do really want to understand and accept it better its just hard with these conflicting feelings i have. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it

[Punographer]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. Some guys are really thick. They think you’re specifically yelling at them when just you’re just expressing feelings.

 

Anyhow, from the sounds of it, you have a poly relationship going on which is complex and can be quite special if done right if you are someone who is polyamorous. You can’t change what he does or decides but focus on what personal outcomes you have control over. Can you really be in a relationship where your significant other is seeing someone else and refuses to terminate the relationship? What can he do to help you not feel so jealous aka make you feel valued, cares for, and important? It is by spending more time with you or words of affirmation? Maybe make a list of the things you need from him. Some people just need a clear walk through as to “here is the problem” then “how to potentially solve it” to understand what’s going on.

 

I didn’t really touch base on what ddlg is as I don’t think this is something specific to that type of relationship but more so to how to manage being in a poly situation. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk. I’ve tried the poly thing before and I know FOR SURE it’s not for me.

[SmolAetherr]

I for the record do not shun him for his kink, i have kinks of my own and would never want him to have to feel or make him stop because of my uncomfort. I do really want to understand and accept it better its just hard with these conflicting feelings i have. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it

oh dont misunderstand me, i was not saying you were if you thought that was what i was saying, what i am saying is you should try to make certain you accept him for who he is or as he is now, if you wish to understand it better then i recommend you stick around on the forum and meet some people, see what the lifestyle is because it is not all sexual and a large portion of the community only do it to have a piece that was missing from their life or to help them manage negative emotions its not all about the daddy fetish, its equally and sometimes more about having a dominant or "higher" figure you are supposed to be able to count on!

 

for me personally i have a very protective personality, i like to direct things also so having a partner who wants that sort of thing from me, helps the two of us fit together better and creates that deeper bond alot of us are seeking

 

i hope you didnt take what i said and some sort of criticism or attack, you are valid for having feelings of jealousy and infact alot of us do, its a flaw many of us wish we didnt have but the reality is it is something we need to manage.

Edited April 13, 2020 by Aetherr

[Unknown???]

oh dont misunderstand me, i was not saying you were if you thought that was what i was saying, what i am saying is you should try to make certain you accept him for who he is or as he is now, if you wish to understand it better then i recommend you stick around on the forum and meet some people, see what the lifestyle is because it is not all sexual and a large portion of the community only do it to have a piece that was missing from their life or to help them manage negative emotions its not all about the daddy fetish, its equally and sometimes more about having a dominant or "higher" figure you are supposed to be able to count on!

 

for me personally i have a very protective personality, i like to direct things also so having a partner who wants that sort of thing from me, helps the two of us fit together better and creates that deeper bond alot of us are seeking

 

i hope you didnt take what i said and some sort of criticism or attack, you are valid for having feelings of jealousy and infact alot of us do, its a flaw many of us wish we didnt have but the reality is it is something we need to manage.

No i didnt feel attacked i appreciate hearing from others on it, it helps me alot with my thoughts and feelings on the matter. For me it basically feels like he is getting something from another woman that i cannot possibly give him and it makes me feel inferior and not enough

[Alaskan Daddy]

Your BF has shown you who he is and want he wants. If he is just a caregiver to a little, he is having an emotional relationship with this little. As a daddy I think it is impossible not to have that. And I understand that he may be giving someone else time, energy and care and love that you feel he could be giving to you. 

Your BF has expressed his feelings to you and those are his feelings (right or wrong). At the same time you have expressed your feelings to him. Your feelings are just as important as his are. It sounds like you have expressed your concerns to him and as I see it he is not going to change.

I feel you have compromised a little about who you are to stay in the relationship and your heart is hurting. I don't see you or him changing with how either of you want the dynamic of your relationship to be. 

Remember your feelings matter and ONLY you can decide if the heart ache you are feeling is worth staying in this relationship. It does not make you or your BF bad people if you decide to move on. It just may mean that this is not the right relationship for you. You have already expressed your feelings to your BF and it looks like he is not about to stop be a daddy to this little. He has already made his choice, now you need to make your choice as you see fit for your heart.

It does not matter if his relationship with this woman was DDLG or not. These kinds of issues can come up no matter what the dynamic is. My advice when you are making your decision is to be selfish with your heart and I feel the answer will be right in front of you.

I hope this helps. Good luck 

[Vampiress]

Did he have this relationship with her prior to you two getting together or did this occur after? If after, did he do so with your permission? If before, how long did it take him to tell you about this other relationship before he told you about it?

 

I think others are wrong to say it's impossible for anyone who is DD/lg to not be involved with another DD/lg person somehow. Lots of people are in vanilla relationships and just experience little space on their own and not get into poly relationships. Now it CAN be a dealbreaker for other people, but if he needed it so bad he shouldn't have gotten in what I assume should be a monogamous relationship with a person that isn't DD/lg. That's unfair to you if he was unwilling to give that up knowing you didn't like it. I would be pretty upset too. You are very right that it can be VERY deep, raw, and totally different from other relationships. Especially if their DD/lg kink fits into BDSM or some type of power exchange too. They don't have to be having sex for it to still be a kink.

 

How would your boyfriend feel if you explored your kinks with other people besides him? Depending on his reaction, that'll be very telling of the kind of person he is. Is he putting up double standards and wouldn't let you do the same? Or if he okay with it if you did, even if you don't want to?

 

As was said before, I believe based on what you told us he'd be the type to get resentful that he can't have that in his life if he stops with her. Maybe if you compromised and filled some of his kinks and he did the same for yours (if you have any he isn't a fan of) you might be able to improve the situation, but people do have their limits and so it's fair if neither of you want to fulfill things you aren't into.

 

Ultimately, you need to decide where he stands. If your relationship is more important to him or DD/lg (it sounds like DD/lg). If his needs are more important than your boundaries then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means this wasn't the right relationship for you (and maybe him too since he has a need to look for what he wants elsewhere). I hope that whatever you do, make the right choice for YOU and your emotional and mental well-being. Don't worry about his needs, he's already clearly thinking about his own needs first. It's your life and you need to do what's best for you. Good luck!

Edited July 8, 2020 by Batgirl