I can’t tell if this is venting or not

[spillingfluids]

I feel empty, empty

My emotions used to freely flow from the features of my face to my tone of voice

But now, nothing remains

All is the same

She begs for me to smile, to cry, to even render myself enraged

For something, or anything

I find myself staring at a stain on a surface, or blankly at the distance

My mind goes elsewhere

Where, I can never say

Anything to avoid my mind being on the past

The one who kept me sheltered already wrung the emotions out of me like a towel

I freely feel as if I have pumped out all tears my soul is capable of leaking out

No matter the circumstances

I beg for myself

To cry, to laugh, to experience joy

To experience sexual pleasure like I did in my younger years, as if it was a discovery

All discoveries have long been made, what’s there more to find

I have never, ever matured

Responsibility makes me cry, I’m delusional, I can’t face a single thing

To say that I am an adult is comedy

Pain isn’t painful to say the least, anymore

Sometimes I hear the birds outside, in the morning

And me too,

I wonder if squeezing it like a towel

Instead of popping his bones and having his insides ooze out from the pressure

If it would too, be wrung of its emotions like me

Would it still sing in great joy for the coming of spring, like it always had?

I can’t remember if I once had hopes and aspirations

My alter ego would have put their jaw on a ledge and curbstomped them to oblivion

Yet I question

Could I have been feeling differently?

Could I have been feeling, at all

I don’t know if I want to not be here anymore

Perhaps if I did, I’d have more of an idea of my condition

In the old times for me, I would cry when I felt nothing

And feel nothing when I was meant to cry

It’s possible that I’ve always felt this way, and hadn’t remembered

However, wouldn’t I be yearning for the past if it had been the case?

I never wanted to grow up, and for that I never did

And in the times I try, there is no progress

Never did I learn a lesson, and never can I instill lessons within myself

Is reality just my own deluded fantasy

She begs for me to feel, to taste

To see with my heart, and not with my eyes

As if I’ve worn out all of my nerves and caused them to be numb

[Guest Mr. J]

Heavy shit. May you find clarity and resolve.