Distant Caregivers Advice?

[JellyBunBun]

My partner and I are both switches and have been in the community for several years. It was wonderful at first, we would take care of each other when we needed it most and sometimes go on play dates together as littles. However in the past two years or so its been rough, my caregiver will only come around maybe once every two to three months, and I have to be bigs and be her caregiver almost every day, if I happen to be littles she gets sad. I don't mind taking care of her but its taking a toll on my littles health, I feel unwanted and unneeded, and I can't see let alone talk to my own caregiver... I've tried talking to her about this but she gets depressed whenever I do and says that she just can't be my mommy for long periods of time... any advice on how to make my little feel better...?

[jaredstone363]

It sounds like you have tried communicating with her, which is the most important step. Did you have that conversation over the phone? Maybe try writing her and telling her in detail how you feel. Why does she get sad when she is a mommy? Could she possibly not be a mommy but does it to make you happy? Would she be ok with being your mommy once a week or something like that? I think these are questions you need to ask her. Relationships are a give and take, but when one side feels like they are giving more then the other, it can cause resentment. Hope this helps.

[JellyBunBun]

I had a long talk with my partner while she was bigs, and nothings changed... she says that she feels really bad that she can't be my care giver more, and that she really wants to be my mommy, but it just makes her feel really sad because she's afraid she's gonna mess up or make me scared... I've been giving her this reassurance for years and I don't know what to do. I've been needing my caregiver more and more recently and I'm afraid to speak up... I don't want her to force herself for me

[little1grl]

It sounds like she may he experiencing anxiety when she takes on the mommy role. Maybe anxiety about making mistakes... maybe you should talk to her about that and see if that’s what is going on? Understanding it if it is anxiety might help.

[JellyBunBun]

Its been over three months since I've talked to my mommy... I miss her so much... my partner is still littles and needs me but... I'm scared to tell her how I feel...

[Little kaiya]

It unfortunately sounds like your relationship is very one sided and that your partner is only focused on their wants.

 

If communicating your needs to your partner makes you feel scared that's definitely a sign of a major issue. Your needs matter just as much as you partner's.

 

Sadly it sounds like you are in a very unhealthy and damaging relationship. Only you can decide if that's really what you want for your life.

[JellyBunBun]

How would I bring it up...? I don't want to upset her and make her come out/never go back into her little space...

[Little kaiya]

You need to decide what you want for your life. It's great that you care for your partner and that you fulfill their need for a caregiver but what about your own needs? You dont want to upset her but clearly she doesn't feel the same way as her behavior is obviously upsetting you and nothing changed after the two of you talked.

 

This is one of the challenges that comes up often in switch/switch relationships, balancing things so that BOTH partners have their needs met. Right now you are meeting her needs but there doesn't seem to be any reciprocity.

 

Honestly, right now it sounds like she's just making excuses not to take on the mommy role, which when you're both switches just sounds very selfish. I can only speak for myself but if I had a partner who was only making sure their needs were considered I'd be leaving. If things are always onesided that's not much of a partnership in my mind and even less of a relationship.

 

Only you can decide what you want in a relationship but consider this, a relationship should make you feel supported and uplifted, not sad and scared to talk to the person who supposedly loves you.

Edited May 26, 2020 by Little kaiya