Borderline

[Guest AmethystBrusies]

Does anyone else feel like there on a line somewhere between one bdsm lifestyle and another? For me it's this dire need to be a bratty little who enjoys playtime and stuffies and all things pink, but on the other spectrum I enjoy very heavy Masochism and leather and being a toy. I never know how to find the happy middle and sometimes I feel like one can lead into the other. But it's hard when everything BDSM related throws things into categories when it's not always that simple.I almost feel like liking more that one aspect of BDSM is a sin and frowned upon because it's never really talked about. Like you have to be all in on one type or your not true to that group. It also makes it very hard to find someone else in the kink world because it seems so one sided. Maybe it's just me. But I'd appreciate if there was anyone else out there that was going through the same thing. How do you guys manage? Is there a line for you? How do you bring it up to potential partners? Do you lean more towards one side of the kink community? How do you find your happy middle? Its killing me not knowing what to do.

[Little kaiya]

I just didn't allow myself to get defined in one category. My Daddy and I fall into a variety of things, B&D, various D/s dynamics and kinks and also some S&M.

 

If people tried telling us we had to be "all in" on a single group or kink all that really did was tell us we weren't going to be a good fit as friends with that person. Stay true to who you are.

 

As for introducing it to one another we just had a frank, open, honest, non judgmental and adult conversation. Don't let people who act like purists try to tell you how to be yourself. Just do you.

Edited March 18, 2020 by Little kaiya

[RavenclawPrincess]

Regardless of anything, we are just ourselves and it doesn’t really matter if someone frowns about that or not. There’s no need for anyone to try and shove themselves in a box to fit someone else’s standards. Labels are a tool for communicating and nothing else, just like adjectives. There’s a lot of overlap in BDSM lifestyles and people are always more than just “one thing” even outside of the kink world if you think about it. Your wants and needs are just as valid as anyone else’s, and you’re right to have the mindset that fitting perfectly into one category isn’t necessary. As long as everything you’ve got going on is safe, sane, and consensual you’re good so just do your thing where interests and lifestyles are involved and don’t even worry about the rest. Just be unapologetically yourself in that regard so judgmental people will get lost, and the right people will stick around.

[jaredstone363]

Like has been said, I think most people in this lifestyle very very rarely fall into just one "category". There is a lot of overlapping. Think of it as a la carte buffet, you pick and choose the dishes that appeal to you, so you might choose an eggroll, some ravioli, some fried chicken, ect. Your plate will be an oddball mix of foods. So do the same with this lifestyle, pick and choose the aspects that suite you and that your interested in. Remember, just because you have an odd mix of food on your plate doesn't mean that someone won't sit at the same table with you

[Guest QueenJellybean]

labels are for our own comfort - or they should be - and no one else's.

whether you define yourself as one thing, multiple things, parts of things, or no things at all is up to you. 

 

personally, i'm an administrator (in training!) for this site, and i identify as a submissive with small tendencies rather than a traditional "little".

labels are what you make them. 

[Pater Arktos]

This is something I have been talking about lots lately and really struggling with. It's been making me feel odd and off for a while now. I feel like people have latched on to definitions and to aesthetics. That many people lost sight of the forest for the trees. I'm glad to know I'm not only one feeling that way!

I used to feel that D/s and DDlg was about the individuals involved and the dynamic between them. The way they happened to be comfortable relating to each other. Now it feels like it's become a formula to follow like a cookbook.

I know not everyone sees it this way of course and I know I'm ranting.

I'm curious what others see as the cause for this?

[Guardian_Witcher]

Some people paint w one color theme. You paint with many. They are happy to do so, and in the same way embrace that if your partner and you have balance in the things you do, then enjoy it. I think partners who mesh that have that range are lucky. A label that can be contained in one word isn't important. Best wishes.

[Guardian_Witcher]

This is something I have been talking about lots lately and really struggling with. It's been making me feel odd and off for a while now. I feel like people have latched on to definitions and to aesthetics. That many people lost sight of the forest for the trees. I'm glad to know I'm not only one feeling that way!

I used to feel that D/s and DDlg was about the individuals involved and the dynamic between them. The way they happened to be comfortable relating to each other. Now it feels like it's become a formula to follow like a cookbook.

I know not everyone sees it this way of course and I know I'm ranting.

I'm curious what others see as the cause for this?

The formula you mention is more about new people seeing the ads and how others are treated in their 'role', and then emulating that. It's not good or bad, its just what people see and then include. If it makes them happy, its good. There are so many different ways people can approach it, and no exam or perfect score that everyone can get the same with the exact same answer. Embrace the chaos and let us all run wild and free and happy without worrying about 'do i fit into the blue square box appropriately?'

[Guest Looby-Lou]

... I never know how to find the happy middle and sometimes I feel like one can lead into the other. But it's hard when everything BDSM related throws things into categories when it's not always that simple.I almost feel like liking more that one aspect of BDSM is a sin and frowned upon because it's never really talked about.

...How do you bring it up to potential partners? Do you lean more towards one side of the kink community? How do you find your happy middle? Its killing me not knowing what to do.

 

Maybe don't try to find a happy medium, just let all the different parts of you co-exist. We do that all the time in other areas of life. Someone might define themselves as a mother, but they are also a sister, daughter, friend, colleague, ball player, dog lover .... well you get the idea.

 

Maybe look at it this way: BDSM has categories to help us. So you can say to people "I'm a brat" and "I'm a masochist" and "I love leather and being used as a toy". Use these categories to your advantage! Use them as definitions to help describe you and not words to limit you.

 

Liking more than one aspect of BDSM is talked about. A lot. Maybe when you're in a particular group e.g. "Leather Lovers" they focus on leather. But in general discussion groups on fetish sites, they will talk about multiple fetishes/kinks, desires etc. So please don't worry about that.

 

With potential partners, it might depend where and how you're meeting these people. On a site like this, you can easily say you're a little, you're a sub, you're masochistic etc. If you're in a vanilla setting, you'd have to approach things differently. You need to assess the situation each time.

 

Do I lean more to one side of the community? Yes i do. I'm predominantly a little. And a sub. But asking about what other people do doesn't mean YOU need to lean to one side more than the other, or lean to any side at all.  Just be you!

 

Wishing you safe & happy explorations. 

 

Looby  

[LittleTeacup]

I know what you mean, but everyone else commenting is right that it's perfectly valid and normal to have multiple interests under the BDSM umbrella.  For example, I see a lot of people on here like both ddlg and petplay. There seems to be many masochist littles here too who enjoy physical "funishments". If you wanted, you could probably find pink leather. You could keep a comforting stuffie with you while you get beat or whipped or whatever you like too. Or you could separate those two "sides" and engage in them on different days depending on how you're feeling.

 

I'm kinda similar, but different too. Currently, without a partner to prove otherwise, I'm only interested in very mild gentle kink that doesn't seem too far away from vanilla. I'm a little girl, but I want a caregiver over a dom. Mild guidance over strict rules and punishments. I imagine making love while cuddling. But I also know I have a huge praise kink and would do almost anything to be called my partner's good girl. I like quietly kneeling at someone I like's knee and getting my hair pet. That's not vanilla. But I don't really give myself too many identities. I like what I like and if it's gentle kink with a sweet soft partner I don't worry about finding a "balance" between kink and not kink. I'm confident I'll find a matching partner someday. You will too!

 

Oh, and how I'd bring it up to potential partners... I already crush so rarely and I have to see something of their personality first. If it's a vanilla only person who thinks all kink is bad, I won't even be interested in the first place. On the flip side, if someone seems scary dominant, I also won't be interested. So if I find myself attracted to someone who seems compatible, I'd naturally start showing signs like helping with something and asking if I did good. Then presumably if they react positively and engage back, eventually we'd get to a point of outright discussing it so everything's clear. Moving slow and steady is the key here!