Feeling down

[CuddleMonster89]

A few months ago I was interested in a little, and she was interested in me, and then before we became DD/lg her father passed away, and she was no longer in a good place emotionally to consider starting a relationship.

 

A few weeks later, I met another amazing little girl and we became DD/lg, and then less than 24 hours later her best friend since early childhood slipped into a coma, and she had to end our relationship because she was no longer in a good place to be building a new relationship.

 

The last few weeks I've been talking with another amazing little girl, and on Friday we agreed to become DD/lg. Today her best friend of 12 years killed herself.

 

I'm upset at myself because all I can think about is how her best friend's suicide will affect our relationship, affect me. I'm worried she will no longer be in a good place emotionally and decide to leave me just like the others did.

 

I've gone through difficult periods of my life but I've never had someone close to me die, slip into a coma, or commit suicide.

 

I wish I understood better how to deal with these tragic events. I wish I had a best friend who died so I would know what its like, so I would be better at consoling my little during times like this. And I hate that I wish for that because that's a horrible thing to wish for.

 

I wish I could just have a DD/lg relationship that doesn't end in the first week due to a tragic event outside my control.

 

Life isn't fair.

[Guest LaidBackDaddy]

That is a seriously tragic turn of events. Don't be hard on yourself. Its quite natural for humans to think about themselves even in tragic situations like this, to one degree or another. None of us  are so single mindedly focused that we can be completely altruistic. I think the measure is what is motivating you into action.

 

If your desire to be there for your Little during this tragedy is what is moving you forward in your actions, then you should not worry about selfish thoughts. We all have them even though we usually don't realize how much they are apart of us.

 

If your desire to hold on to her at all costs is what is motivating in your interactions with her, then I would encourage you to take a step back before you do something you will regret, like manipulate her out of loneliness and fear.

 

I think the fact you are questioning it and examining your heart and motivations is a great sign, that your heart is in the right place. You are a Daddy, you will take care of her properly and selfishly (ooops, see edit below). Good luck dude!

 

*EDIT **** selflessly!! ooops!

[Nice_Daddy]

I do hope things are working out for you.  Finding the right little can be very difficult and when you think you have found the perfect little and then life steps in and changes your plans it can be very frustrating.  Patience.  I know it can seem impossible some times, but just relax and be patient.

 

And I agree with LaidBackDaddy ... the fact that you question your own motives is a good sign, that you are looking at the big picture and everyone involved ... not just your own needs.

 

Best of luck!

[CuddleMonster89]

Thanks LaidBackDaddy and Nice_Daddy. The good news is we're still together and right now I'm focusing on being there for her, being someone she can lean on and talk to if needed. Right now she feels a dull pain, like a sore muscle, except instead of her muscle that's hurting it's her heart and spirit. The tragedy has been really rough for her and she's been physically sick because of all the stress. She vomited blood and was hospitalized for a few hours on Tuesday. She still lives with her mom and her mom won't let her take even a single day off school to grieve or become healthy, which is so messed up. This is also hard for me since even though I don't know anyone personally that has died (other than like my great grand mother that died when I was like 8 years old, but I barely knew her), this has been essentially the fourth death this summer that I've been just two degrees away from. I talked about all this with my therapist today which I think helped me somewhat.

 

Her doctor prescribed Prozac for her which I think is ridiculous since anti-depressants are meant to treat disorders, and grief and mourning the loss of a loved one is not a sign of a disorder, it's a sign of being human and emotionally healthy. She took Prozac today and it caused her to vomit and feel dizzy. We'll be reviewing our Dd/lg contract on Friday and I'm considering proposing a rule that she's not allowed to take any anti-depressants or other such medications that cause her to vomit or feel nauseous. On the one hand I don't want to propose a rule that goes against what the doctor ordered, but on the other hand I also don't want her taking psychotropic drugs meant to treat a disorder she doesn't seem to have, at worst cause her to vomit and become chemically dependent on, and at best dull her emotions including positive ones like happiness and joy.

 

I've been wanting to learn more about grief lately so I'm also starting to read some books on the topic. I'm several chapters into I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye ( http://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Ready-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/1402212216 ) and so far it's really good.

 

It's been a while since I cried so I'm going to try to do that this weekend to release some built up emotions.

[Darkling]

-cuddles- life isn't fair.....  

 

It has been awful time for you. You shouldn't feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself, it's completely understandable. Feeling bad for someone doesn't mean you can't feel for yourself at the same time. 

 

I've lost a partner. There is nothing you can do.... nothing will make it better. But being there for her, without judgement, expectation, or 'this will work'.... that is a wonderful thing. Allow her to do whatever feels good for her. Remind her you care, and that you are there for her.... That is all.... This is about her, and she may grieve and not speak to you for a while. But that's okay. She will move forward in time. 

 

You are being a good Daddy.... You are worried. 

[Daddy4Princess]

Having experienced the great personal loss of a child myself, this topic really struck a chord with me. This girl needs your support, because it seems to me that she isn't getting the support she needs from sources she should be able to rely upon.

 

I learned a few very important lessons during my grieving process. The biggest of which is NO ONE can tell you how to grieve. You have to do what's right for you and take the time you need. And everyone is different. I took a week off of work and then went back. Big mistake. My performance suffered so badly, I had huge lapses of judgement that I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER. So I took the offered two months off, had about 25 therapy sessions in that time, talked as much about it as I could, and joined an infant loss support group so I could know that I wasn't alone in what I was going through. It helped tremendously.

 

The fact that she's not being allowed to take time off school is alarming to me, and strikes me as incredibly callous. The doctor prescribing anti-depression meds is also frustrating to hear, because as you said, the feelings she's feeling now are normal, and should be encouraged, not discouraged.

 

Be there for her, be open for her to spill her feelings and vent and be that shoulder for her to cry on. She's going to need it. Best of luck to you both.

[CuddleMonster89]

Thanks for the kind words of support Darkling and Daddy4Princess. *hugs*

 

She won't agree to a rule to stop taking the anti-depressant. Her reasoning is that if a doctor prescribes her medicine, she has to take it whether it makes her sick or not because overall it will make her better. I'm frustrated by this line of reasoning since it relies on the assumption that doctors are infallible, and I am quite skeptical of a doctor that apparently diagnoses grief as a mental disorder. But I respect her boundary to refuse to agree to rules she's not okay with and I think I can manage without having such a rule. I also understand that she trusts her doctor of many years over someone she met a few weeks ago and who has no medical expertise when it comes to her health. And I could be wrong. I should mention my little girl was suicidal several years ago so perhaps the doctor is worried my little girl's best friend's suicide will cause her to become suicidal again. In that case perhaps being on an anti-depressant for a while may be a reasonable precaution, I don't know. Anyway she has agreed to my request to get the opinion of another qualified medical professional, which is good to hear. And I suppose even if she does continue to take Prozac and be physically sick, I imagine the doctor will take her off it in a few months or so after she's through the worst of her grieving.

 

It's difficult when my desire to be there for her comes into conflict with my desire to help her get her physical and emotional needs met. Last night she said all she needs is for me to be there for her to talk to and needs a good nights sleep, so naturally I want to be there for her to listen to her and also help her get enough sleep. And then today she says she needs to wake up at 3 am on Saturday for an ROTC event she doesn't want to go to, but feels like she has no choice but to attend to because she made a personal obligation. I want to order her to skip the early 3 am event, and instead call the ROTC organizers, and tell them her best friend just died and she can't make it on Saturday, and have her catch up on some much needed sleep on Saturday, but if I did that she said she would not obey me and would go anyway, and that's basically the opposite of being there for her. So instead I said if she needs to go, she needs to go, only she knows whats best for her and she should do what she feels is right for her. So she's still planning to go, which I guess makes sense when I recall from my readings of negotiation that a person's psychological need to be consistent with prior actions and statements is very strong, and in this case her psychological need to appear consistent and honor personal obligations must be stronger than her physical need for a good nights sleep. Anyway tomorrow evening I can point out that we've both agreed to a rule for the DD/lg contract that she will do her best to get at least seven hours of sleep each night so I think I'll be able to have her go to bed by 8 pm or so and still get a good amount of rest for her early morning ROTC event.

 

Anyway yeah I just need to focus on being there for her, not try to order her or expect much of her, and not be overly critical or judgmental. She's been really good at going to bed on time each night and saying good night to me before bed each night and good morning to me each morning as per our contract, and I acknowledged that today and told her she's been a really good girl, which she was delighted to hear. One day at a time.

[Vlad ziva's Owner]

Ouch. This is a very rough turn of events. I'm not really sure how I can be of help, aside from just a bit about the Prozac. It may be helpful to hear a personal story about it rather than just reading about it and its interactions.

I can see why her doctor would prescribe it to her. If she has a history of suicidal thoughts and depression, the grieving process could very well turn into a state of lasting depression. The doctor may have prescribed the Prozac early to combat that. If you have been off of Prozac for awhile or never taken it before, it takes awhile (2 to 3 weeks, as I was told by my doctor) before having a significant effect. 

As for the vomiting of blood, I've not heard of that as a side effect of Prozac before. It can cause some intestinal irritation, but for something like vomiting of blood, I would probably get checked for an ulcer.

Prozac is one of the older, safer SSRIs, and because of how long it takes to get in and out of the system, you really don't have to worry about "withdrawal" effects like you would with other medications, not that there won't be some mood changes just because of the nature of stopping an SSRI. I started Prozac during a really rough stage in my life where I was in a severe state of depression. About a year and a half later, I talked to my doctor and he agreed that it may be worth going off the Prozac. Well, that didn't go well. I didn't get depressed, but Prozac now helps me manage my aggression. If I am off my Prozac, the fighting Irish in my blood comes out, and I'll fight anyone at the drop of a hat. 

[CuddleMonster89]

Hey just wanted to provide closure on what happened here. The last few weeks have been really difficult. A few weeks ago my former little girl started breaking rules. I pointed them out and she said she was having a hard week. I figured this might be a sign she no longer was okay with our power dynamic, so asked her if she wanted to put the rules on hold, effectively suspending our power dynamic, and she agreed. So my need for control has not been satisfied for the last few weeks.

 

She's been in the hospital every week since her friend's suicide, three times in three weeks. A number of times I asked her to see a counselor but she refused, saying she didn't need a counselor. Today she tried to kill herself. She's still alive, thankfully, and she finally saw some counselors. She's going into a rehabilitation facility within 48 hours. I hope she recovers and gets to a better place emotionally and psychologically. We haven't Skyped or talked on the phone since that first time when we became Daddy/little girl nearly 4 weeks ago. The last few weeks I've been telling her I want to talk to her on Skype, I need to talk to her and spend time with her on Skype or on the phone, that I need a girlfriend I can have a real spoken conversation with at least once a week, asking her if we can talk on Skype tonight, etc.. She's been unable to Skype or talk on the phone with me for over 3 weeks. My need for communication was not being met. Without communication there is no relationship. I cannot do a kik-only relationship. Also the last few weeks I've not felt any positive emotions from our relationship, only sadness, worry, confusion, and frustration. So this evening I decided to break up with her. I'd rather be single than in an unhappy relationship where my needs aren't being met. Right now I just need to be single.

[Guest buddhagirl]

I'm very sorry to hear this. I hope you find some peace in the coming days. I believe you will eventually find the right girl for you-you sound like a very good person and daddy.

[CuddleMonster89]

Thank you buddhagirl *hugs*

[Guest PrincessPJ]

Ever heard of the saying, "if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all?" That's how I sometimes feel in the love department. I've got to admit that your string of misfortune has been pretty bad. So sorry for the crappy stuff. I have to believe that there is something good coming around the corner (Im a half full glass kind of person). At least this is what I keep telling myself. Bottom line? I can empathize.

[Bgluvsdd]

That is so sad and strange... At the same time, I firmly believe that everythibg happens for a reason and perhaps they were not ready for you of you were meant for someone else. Hang in there, I'm sure it will make sense later .... Always does

[Bgluvsdd]

That is so sad and strange... At the same time, I firmly believe that everythibg happens for a reason and perhaps they were not ready for you of you were meant for someone else. Hang in there, I'm sure it will make sense later .... Always does

[Guest TNDaddy]

Unfortunately life isn't fair and sometimes can be outright cruel. Do not let this affect the type of daddy you are. 

[CuddleMonster89]

Thanks guys, I'm doing okay now. Yeah life isn't fair and sometimes all you can do is make the most of it. When you don't get what you want, you get experience, and I feel like I learned from this experience. As a Dominant I want to have control in all things, but I've realized no matter how much I learn or prepare or how hard I try, there will always be forces outside my control that could completely blindside me and change my life in unexpected ways. Life is very fragile so every moment is precious.

[Guest LexiGremlin]

Do you still talk to her? I've been where she was and I know how horrible it is.