little shame

[donutosaurus]

Hi, I'm donut and I'm 22. I've been a sub since I first became sexual but never quite fit. A couple years ago I discovered I'm actually a little and I enjoy having a caregiver dom. Finally, my issue, I've been trying to push myself to be more comfortable with who I am as a person and the fact that being little is such a huge part of me. I decided to be honest with my dom/bf about being little and opened myself and this private part of me up to him. It did not go well. I have never felt more ashamed to be a little in my life. "What, you want me to treat you like a child? You're a grown woman. I'm not going to p e t you," he said on facetime in a very harsh tone. I've tried dropping hints about my lifestyle before we got more serious but I was too scared to fully express who I am. I was afraid he wouldn't like it and would leave and now he's upset with me for saying I don't think I can be with someone who can't be a part of my lifestyle. He told me I made him feel like ddlg was more important than him when it's just "sex stuff". Am I really in the wrong here? Should I even try to make this work without my little side being freely expressed or acknowledged? I know how depressed I get when I can't be me. Please help, I've been extremely anxious over this for days.

[Guardian_Witcher]

First of, hugs and bless you. 

 

Your journey brought you to ddlg and i am so happy for you that you found out who you are. 

Whether you are still figuring things out, or you are sure the ddlg lifestyle is for you, it's a journey of self discovery. That can be exciting when it feels true to who you are.

 

And it can feel scary, when that same discovery leads to shame or fear. 

But, you aren't feeling shame or fear because you don't like this part of yourself, you are feeling it because your partner isn't accepting of it. 

 

And so, at your core, eventually you have choices to make. Some options are: You can work on having him accept it more over time. You can hide your ddlg identity when he isn't around. You can give this lifestyle up completely, and many more options in between.

 

For me this place, and the wonderful people here made me feel loved and accepted. I shook off an old relationship that had stagnated and where i could never make my partner happy and currently i'm getting divorced. 

 

My new partner had to supress her identity for many years. She hid parts of herself that she wasn't ashamed of, but that her partner wouldn't accept about herself. 

And that never fixed the relationship. She just lost more of herself, his prior criticism of that part of her found new outlets of disrespect, and she could never quite bond with him. She wasn't the problem, but he was. 

 

And so i would say to you, this problem above isn't even a specific ddlg problem, its a relationship and character problem. 

Your partner isn't being kind, or trying to understand you. He's criticizing you and not looking deeper into your needs or wants. 

Is it really such a big deal to be loved, taken care of a bit, petted or whatever else you would like in your life?

 

And also its not for everyone. We can't make our partner accept us, they either will or they won't. But once we are free from our old relationships, we can make new choices and find people that like us for us, just as we are. And that acceptance is worth its weight in that person in gold. 

 

Imagine for a second that a relationship is like 2 factories with assembly lines going to the opposite one. From you (your factory), to the other person and vice versa. Now, what are they sending your way? Is it lots of love, good memories, being supportive, listening, 'beautiful cupcakes' mostly? Or is it stale bread, or worse yet something rotten. 

 

Loving people don't make their partners usually feel rotten. 

 

So please take care and don't take his rejection that there is something wrong with you. You are beautiful and perfect just as you are. And you can count on us and this place to be a good home for that. 

 

Best wishes dear and bless you. 

[Tasherz]

Hi there!! 

 

I'm not sure if this will help at all but I can say that I spent 7 years with someone who didn't accept my little space at all, he thought it was "weird" and made him uncomfortable. We broke up in May (it was a generally unhealthy relationship) but I have to say that since then I have found myself and this is who I am meant to be! What I am trying to say, is that if you need that connection to your little with your partner, make it a priority for you, if it is not something that you need with a partner but can enjoy doing when he is not around, then that is fine too. Just make sure that whatever you choose in the end is what is the best for you and what you need to be happy. Not sure if this helped at all... but if you EVER need someone to talk to I am just a message away. Feel free to add me and message me anytime!

 

Tasha  

[RavenclawPrincess]

Natashers is absolutely right. Think over what it is that you need from your little space. If that’s something that you can do independently, and you feel good about your relationship without your partners involvement. If that’s the case I think a clear boundary of “no kink shaming” in your relationship is in order. You shouldn’t be mistreated for simply being yourself in any situation. If you need a partner to participate with your little side, then you’re better off finding someone that is more compatible. If you are miserable in your relationship that will inevitable affect your partner. . It all just depends on you and what will and won’t work in terms of your happiness and the happiness of your partner.

 

Additionally, it sounds like your partner is stuck on stigma/stereotypes. I think it’s very likely that he’s misunderstanding what it means to be a little, especially for you personally. It sounds worthwhile to have an adult conversation with him about that so you can make yourself clear on what’s really going on here. His reaction and whether or not he’s willing to talk it out and learn about you will be a big indicator as to what your next step should be. If correcting his faulty thinking on the matter works, he’ll be more accepting.

Edited March 2, 2020 by RavenclawPrincess

[baby_k]

Sidenote: if my partner would tell me out of blue that unless I "do sexual thing x with him, he is going to leave me", I would be pretty hurt and upset too and would question if they love me at all and is it just about sex. He had bad and harsh reaction but seems you maybe should have been bit softer too maybe on your approach. People hardly ever take totally new things in super easily, specially if they are "weird" like ddlg is in general standards. You have had time to explore your relationship to ddlg, to him it is totally new and foreign.

 

And yes, he is correct with asking if ddlg is more important than he is. Because in the end that is the question with your rel unless you find some compromise. So, try to understand his upset too, it's not easy to hear that you may be dumped just like that.