New vs. bad experiences

[Darling_little]

I'm sure someone on here has already talked about this, but I can't find it.

 

I'm new to this, and I'm a little. I've been looking for a DD for a while. Had a bad experience. Learned some things. But ultimately I'm back at square one. Or square one ish. 

 

I met this guy through a BDSM thing and I've been talking to him for a while. The way he's spoken and things he's done are a lot like DD behavior (even has a small rule). Last night we got really candid about things and I explained what I was into and he explained that he was not interested in setting up rules and punishments/rewards, nor is he interested in little anything (although I had actually interacted with him while in littlespace before and he had been favorable toward it). He'd had an experience with a girl before who expected a lot out of a new Dom and didn't treat him very well. 

 

I explained that what she was doing and expecting was not really reasonable and that isn't what I'd be expecting, and I think he gets why I'm into any of the rules/punishments things (not that he changed his mind or that I expected him to). 

 

Why is it so hard to find someone who is even willing to try it out? I'm not going to try to make him do something he doesn't want to do, and regardless, I am still interested in him (him as a person is why I'm interested), but I am very confused. 

 

I guess I don't really know what I'm getting at... I'd just like some more thoughts on it? 

[RavenclawPrincess]

Whether he wants to be a CG or take you on as HIS little or not, you're still a little. In some ways he's going to need to accept that if you two are going to be in a relationship. I suggest a conversation about how y'all want to navigate that within your relationship (even as friends), because it's important to make sure that everyone is comfortable and happy. Some key questions that I would discuss are whether or not he's ok with interacting with you while you're in little space, whether or not ethical poly is acceptable for both of you in the event that you find yourself in need of a Caregiver and what would and would not be ok regarding that (Or clarify if you need to learn how to be an independent little without a CG, on the flip side of that coin), is he willing to help you follow rules/routines if you create those for yourself, etc. In a nutshell, discussing your needs as a little and his needs as a non-CG so you're both on the same page and know how to handle your differences will be key in your relationship. 

[Darling_little]

Whether he wants to be a CG or take you on as HIS little or not, you're still a little. In some ways he's going to need to accept that if you two are going to be in a relationship. I suggest a conversation about how y'all want to navigate that within your relationship (even as friends), because it's important to make sure that everyone is comfortable and happy. Some key questions that I would discuss are whether or not he's ok with interacting with you while you're in little space, whether or not ethical poly is acceptable for both of you in the event that you find yourself in need of a Caregiver and what would and would not be ok regarding that (Or clarify if you need to learn how to be an independent little without a CG, on the flip side of that coin), is he willing to help you follow rules/routines if you create those for yourself, etc. In a nutshell, discussing your needs as a little and his needs as a non-CG so you're both on the same page and know how to handle your differences will be key in your relationship. 

 

That was a part of the discussion. I didn't ask about whether or not it would be okay with him if I had a CG, and obviously I would discuss that with him if it got to that point, but we did discuss what he is comfortable with regarding littlespace. For instance, he isn't super comfortable calling it littlespace, which I totally get (although I think that comes from a misunderstanding of the basic idea of it more than anything else, and we didn't get into it) and he's fine with the little bit of brat I have in me. We decided that I would tell him where I was at with littlespace (we are calling it safespace because of the previously mentioned thing) and we'd go from there. I think his past experience really messed up his ideas of what all of this is. And again I get it. I'm just... I don't even know at this point. Before this discussion, he had started a couple of small rules (all consensual and things we discussed, just for the record). And that's why I even thought he'd be interested in it at all. Well... That and having met him via a BDSM community thing and how he described himself there

[RavenclawPrincess]

It might just be a matter of him needing time to become comfortable with you in that context, and realizing that a dynamic can be whatever both of you are comfortable with. So many people have to grapple with misconceptions or thinking there's "one true way" to go about things, which obviously isn't the case and it sounds like you're a great person to help him learn how things really work with CG/l. It's possible that his interest might grow over time coinciding with learning how you go about things and how to overcome previous bad experiences. There's no guarantee but it's possible, and maybe in the future a comfortable dynamic can be worked out that involves CG/l. Ultimately, just give him some time and communicate openly with him.

[chateautal]

At the end of the day, sometimes particular kinks just don't appeal to people.

 

As for why someone would not want to try? There are many reasons: and all boil down that it is actually a lot of emotional labour to undertake CG like activities. This is the same reason that there are also a lot of 'fake' Daddies around: it's actually a lot of hard work to maintain a structured environment with rules and punishments. It's also the reason why over-enthusiastic littles can also scare away (or at least exhaust) newer Daddies (who would eventually be good in the role, once eased into it). If your prospective partner has had prior negative experience with DD/LG, he likely already knows how hard it can be. Moreover (depending on the nature of the rules involved), it can be way more intense than even other types of BDSM (especially bedroom-only types), because he might feel like he needs to be 'always on'  to fill the role- and this can easily lead to a feeling of being slightly overwhelmed, or not giving enough personal space, etc.

 

Now for CGs into this dynamic, they know how hard it is (or learn pretty quickly) but will do it anyway for someone they love- because they enjoy the particular relationship type, and can see both the long-term rewards of the hard work, and also gain some instantaneous enjoyment from the power play. For someone who isn't into that kind of thing? I'm not sure they would have the endurance, even if they might try it out of love for the person asking.

[Darling_little]

At the end of the day, sometimes particular kinks just don't appeal to people.

 

As for why someone would not want to try? There are many reasons: and all boil down that it is actually a lot of emotional labour to undertake CG like activities. This is the

same reason that there are also a lot of 'fake' Daddies around: it's actually a lot of hard work to maintain a structured environment with rules and punishments. It's also the reason why over-enthusiastic littles can also scare away (or at least exhaust) newer Daddies (who would eventually be good in the role, once eased into it). If your prospective partner has had prior negative experience with DD/LG, he likely already knows how hard it can be. Moreover (depending on the nature of the rules involved), it can be way more intense than even other types of BDSM (especially bedroom-only types), because he might feel like he needs to be 'always on'  to fill the role- and this can easily lead to a feeling of being slightly overwhelmed, or not giving enough personal space, etc.

 

Now for CGs into this dynamic, they know how hard it is (or learn pretty quickly) but will do it anyway for someone they love- because they enjoy the particular relationship type, and can see both the long-term rewards of the hard work, and also gain some instantaneous enjoyment from the power play. For someone who isn't into that kind of thing? I'm not sure they would have the endurance, even if they might try it out of love for the person asking.

 

I definitely understand that as well. Of course it's a lot and ultimately, if he isn't into it, that is very, very okay and I would never expect him to change himself to fit me. Part of my confusion comes from the way he's talked about stuff before. When I interacted with him while in littlespace before we explicitly talked about it, he was very in favor of that side of me. And in our discussion he talked about enjoying taking care of people, which is why he brought the rules he did into our interactions. I think his past experience has seriously informed his perception of this (again, I get it) and he is being a champ for even being willing to discuss all of this. 

 

 

It might just be a matter of him needing time to become comfortable with you in that context, and realizing that a dynamic can be whatever both of you are comfortable with. So many people have to grapple with misconceptions or thinking there's "one true way" to go about things, which obviously isn't the case and it sounds like you're a great person to help him learn how things really work with CG/l. It's possible that his interest might grow over time coinciding with learning how you go about things and how to overcome previous bad experiences. There's no guarantee but it's possible, and maybe in the future a comfortable dynamic can be worked out that involves CG/l. Ultimately, just give him some time and communicate openly with him.

 

Part of the conversation we had (it was a long one) was about what I ultimately wanted with a dynamic and why I wanted it. And literally throughout the entire conversation, he said he understood and wanted the same things (from the other perspective obviously...). Do you have any suggestions about how I can go about this without... scaring him off I guess? 

[RavenclawPrincess]

I would make it clear that in your eyes a dynamic is about mutual satisfaction, and you’re not after stereotypes or “one true way”. Express as often as possible that things between you are going to work the way you both agree on, and not by about external standards. You’ve already laid some groundwork here, actually. For example, he’s more comfortable calling it safe space rather than little space and that is perfect. Keep consistently letting him know that his comfort level and feelings are equally important, and show him that flexibility when it’s needed. He’s free to participate with you if and when he’s comfortable, and you’ve shown that mutual accommodations are important. I’m not even involved in this situation and I can see that you’re not trying to make him be someone he isn’t, and how he feels does matter to you. You aren’t being selfish and just trying to get your own way here, so I think you’re on the right track and I think you should keep going about things the way you have been. Continue to let him get comfortable and compromise as needed. You’re doing great and I’m not seeing any red flags or funny business on your end.

[Darling_little]

Thank you! That makes me feel a lot better about all of this, actually. I don't know if it gets easier the longer you are in the lifestyle/community or not, but for right now I feel like I'm so lost about a lot of things. Thank you for helping me figure this one little bit out