New to DDLG and lost my baby already

[Bear Bear]

Hey folks. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I just know I'm hurting. I met someone and she became very special to me. We were developing a relationship and then yesterday, her mom called and hurt her.

 

I tried to be there for her and she lashed out at me at left me.

 

Is that normal? I'm lost and confused.

[chateautal]

It's very hard to say, with sparse context, so I can only extrapolate on possibilities.  

 

But it sounds like she might have been very upset by what her mom said, and maybe just needed some time alone to process it? Of course, it is not very nice for you! And I would say, threatening to leave (or just actually leaving, I guess) would be, for me, absolutely unacceptable emotional manipulation (in either direction, Daddy<->LG) - and it is absolutely your prerogative to not tolerate it. So, as to the 'is that normal?' the answer is: no, or at least it shouldn't be.

 

However, it might be understandable. It sounds plausible to me as if she was extremely stressed and didn't know how else to express she wanted space to process some feelings from a complex family issue? And (given the mom was the trigger for this - and again, extrapolation!), people who have narcissistic hurtful parents can often internalise some of that toxic behaviour in their own relationships. It's, of course, not acceptable that they then pass it on - but it may offer explanation if not excuse.

 

If she does come back, maybe to apologise, you should put your minds together to think how to prevent this from happening again. Again, there's so little context that I can't possibly suggest what's right for your current situation or not. (E.g. whether leaving like genuinely is a request for some space - or a request for comfort - or if she was inviting some kind of 'dom' like reaction, where you tell her that behaviour is unacceptable, and elicits punishment etc.) Whatever the case, if she does re-establish contact (and you can send her a gentle 'are you okay?' or similar to try - but maybe not to the point of harassment), you will need to communicate about this kind of thing, if you want to move forwards. And if she really is gone for good, then, as hurtful as it may be now, you might have dodged the much more painful bullet of much greater heartbreak in the future.

Edited February 22, 2020 by chateautal

[RavenclawPrincess]

Sometimes relationships end very suddenly, and that's just how it goes sometimes. A lot of people around here do come and go, so it's good to establish that any prospective partners really are compatible and will stick around long-term before getting into a relationship. Personally, I'd recommend getting to know someone for months beforehand, not days or weeks the way many go about it. That's a solid strategy with vanilla relationships, but even more important in our lifestyle because everything really does need to be based on legitimate trust and it takes time to develop that on the level that it needs to exist for a successful partnership. We live in a world where instant gratification is the name of the game, but it shouldn't be that way for relationships and it's important to protect yourself from falling into that trap. It's nearly always going to end in someone getting hurt.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you feel better soon. The best you can do is to learn from the experience you had and do your best to move forward in a way that'll hopefully get you better results next time. Watch out for prospective partners that can't handle upsetting situations and lash out as a result, even toward people that don't do anything wrong to deserve that. You'll also want to watch out for people that that show signs of being the sort to bail out instead of talking and working through any problems. Both are red flags that your now-ex will have given you a lesson on. While experiencing that is hurtful, on the bright side she gave your insight on some traits to steer clear of the next time you find yourself interested in pursuing a relationship, and that's a bright side for the future. Every heartbreak is a lesson learned. 

[Bear Bear]

Yeah. I think you are right. I dont judge her over this. We all need to do what we need to do. But it hurt.

[Alaskan Daddy]

no matter how you put it, something like that hurts. The only thing you can hope is that when it happens that your partner can at least be mature enough to tell you why. Maybe she will reach out to you when her heart is less wounded and have that talk with you.

[Bear Bear]

Thanks. Yeah, we shall see. Its beyond my control. I can just hope she is ok.