Daddies/mummies parading as agony aunts online

[EvieTheOne]

If a daddy is dedicated to his little, and their relationship, he's got no job being a member of various dating sites, giving advice and time and energy towards individual littles. That time and energy is taken away from his own...sure, he can find creative, professional ways to advocate for his cause on a platform, and have clients and all that, but not play the agony aunt to vulnerable girls on the internet and rationalize his behaviour as altruism. It's not. I think it's natural curiousity and giving in to temptation, with sod all knowledge about the outcome, but then again, that's exactly the lure of the prohibited fruit, or hidden affairs, of (emotional) cheating, in effect.

Thoughts?

[Guest ghibwi]

Readt them!

[SmolAetherr]

Im not sure what the point you are trying to make but giving out advice online isnt cheating and a daddy having little friends or even platonic littles is not bad either so long as everyone knows what is going on and nobody involved has issues with it

 

If a little can have daddy friends then a daddy can have little friends if they want

[LittleCelticLass]

I think it depends entirely on what you are quantifying as a dating site. If you're referringt something like Tinder, then I agree, as the purpose of sites like that is finding a partner. And if you're sneaking around on a site like that? You're probably a jerk. No matter what side of the dynamic you're on.

If you're referring to The Forum, and other online communities like it, I disagree.

The Forum for instance, is not a dating site, it's a community. And I know of several folks who are 100% committed to thier partners who still make time to educate and advocate for the new/younger members of the group. They share thier knowledge and experience, form friendships, even become mentors; all without risking the security of thier personal relationships, or being less than completely committed to thier partner.

Are there people out there who are less than honest about thier lives/intent/relationship status? Most likely. But that's inductive of any community, and its not just daddies and mommies, littles have been known to be predators too. But to say that a person in a committed relationship has no business forming friendships or helping members of thier community? No thank you. I find it divisive and exclusionary.

[RavenclawPrincess]

To be fair, being forbidden to have friends when in a romantic relationship is very toxic and abusive. Actual dating sites and cheating is one thing, but having friends and interacting with others in the community in a respectful manner is a completely different ballgame. That being said, poly (when done correctly) is 100% valid as are platonic relationships. Personally I’m not here to judge anyone and I assume that people are within the limits of their romantic relationships until I see a reason to believe otherwise. There’s no shame in contributing to the community and helping others by giving advice and offering friendship to people who need it in my opinion. Pretty much just throwing in my two cents in agreement with Aetherr and Lass.

[EvieTheOne]

I will have to respectfully disagree that community forums are mostly void of people approaching others with the perhaps not even conscious (to them) thought of a potential future partner, of them being the "One", because they do, it's just a reality of the online, but not just, environment. It's a reality of unprocessed motivation why someone in a committed, monogamous, fairly all consuming romantic relationship would search for and forge a private conversation with other men/women. In my experience, people make space and time, aka invest, in someone/thing they're interested in, or attracted to. This is not about making friends, not about helping (and I understand how triggering this might feel to the ego that sees itself all good) but about curiosity and self validation, as a dominant/controller, attractive man/woman, good/helpful person. If we are to consider a boundaried approach to degrees of intimacy, neither parties act entirely honestly when they blur the lines between the circles of trust. Not everybody is or can be your friend, as we understand friendship. Not everybody is or can be your little/dominant either...so what are you doing being in private conversation with all those people? Why not focus on deepening the connection you have at home? I cannot imagine someone working, caring for a little and still have time and energy to pm with individuals online... somewhere he/she is not pulling his/her weight and it will show, sooner or later.

[RavenclawPrincess]

I’m curious about your thoughts on the same thing happening between a little and other littles or a dom and other dom friends. Please don’t think I’m being sassy, I’m just genuinely interested in other people’s point of view and want to know your thoughts on it. Do you think littles investing time and effort into friendships online with other littles (for example) is also damaging to the primary relationship? Edited February 6, 2020 by RavenclawPrincess

[EvieTheOne]

Forbidden to have friends?? I don't think that's what's going on, nor am I referring to genuine friendships in my arguments. I'm speaking from personal experience, that's what I can do: with a job, other preoccupations, your own hobbies, your own life outside the internet, with a little, with all the responsibility you've got, what are you doing chatting with individuals in private?! Make postings memes, videos, blogs vlogs, stand on a public platform like this one here and shout all you want about DDLG and your take on it, that's clean and honest, and righteous and virtuous, and all that : you pming others than your partner is not.

[EvieTheOne]

I’m curious about your thoughts on the same thing happening between a little and other littles or a dom and other dom friends. Please don’t think I’m being sassy, I’m just genuinely interested in other people’s point of view and want to know your thoughts on it. Do you think littles investing time and effort into friendships online with other littles (for example) is also damaging to the primary relationship?

Should we make a separate thread for that? Because this one refers specifically to daddies and mummies, albeit the principles are the same if time and energy is being splintered into too many shards of attention,from that of one's own household and partnership, and jobs and life. I just don't think people can do it all. I think in some areas they will be slaking and it's usually the personal relationship that suffers.

[Little kaiya]

Personally I have had PM conversations, as has my Daddy, to provide advice or share experiences with others within the communities and we were both fine with that as was my Wife. We never hid the fact we were doing so and in fact often shared those conversations with one another.

 

Could people engage in private conversations for dubious reasons, sure, but that doesn't mean all private conversations are for shady reasons. I think trust plays a huge part in this and if my partners told me nothing else is going on then I believe them and take them at their word.

[RavenclawPrincess]

I can’t quite agree with talking to people being a problem BUT you’re absolutely right about primary partners needing to put the relationship first and other people lower on the list of priorities. Personally, I have the expectation among my friends that any relationships aren’t being neglected for my sake and I’m always happy to bow out gracefully and encourage focus to shift to the actual partner when that isn’t the case. I think part of the problem that you’re referring to is other people being willing to meddle and interfere with other relationships, which isn’t cool.

[SmolAetherr]

I will have to respectfully disagree that community forums are mostly void of people approaching others with the perhaps not even conscious (to them) thought of a potential future partner, of them being the "One", because they do, it's just a reality of the online, but not just, environment. It's a reality of unprocessed motivation why someone in a committed, monogamous, fairly all consuming romantic relationship would search for and forge a private conversation with other men/women. In my experience, people make space and time, aka invest, in someone/thing they're interested in, or attracted to. This is not about making friends, not about helping (and I understand how triggering this might feel to the ego that sees itself all good) but about curiosity and self validation, as a dominant/controller, attractive man/woman, good/helpful person. If we are to consider a boundaried approach to degrees of intimacy, neither parties act entirely honestly when they blur the lines between the circles of trust. Not everybody is or can be your friend, as we understand friendship. Not everybody is or can be your little/dominant either...so what are you doing being in private conversation with all those people? Why not focus on deepening the connection you have at home? I cannot imagine someone working, caring for a little and still have time and energy to pm with individuals online... somewhere he/she is not pulling his/her weight and it will show, sooner or later.

 

i'm not entirely sure of the point you are trying to make here so i will respond to what i can see

 

 

i've been here on this forum for 2 years now and in that time i have been in and out of relationships, and none of my experiances soured due to me having my own friends and my own voice in the community

i've never hidden what i do via deception or omission

 

i also feel like you are describing a very specific scenario which is difficult to discuss

 

i can say for myself i do make friends and chat online and i am able to seperate love interests from friend, its not that difficult. Well ofcourse people will invest time into people they like, it would be a pretty backwards reality if they didnt. Also i can speak for myself here, but yes it is about making friend and helping people, its also about creating long lasting bonds with people in a safe and controlled manner, just the way i prefer to do it

 

you seem to claim self validation is a bad thing, a true altruist doesent exist since a person like that would go insane from the lack of self care and therapy and self progression

i choose to be in a private conversation with others because i want to be, because i find differing perspectives and experiances interesting, i enjoy a multi-faceted life and if i choose to dedicate my time to one person that is okay also but that is my choice and nobody else's buisness

 

 

1. not everyone puts time and energy into others with the goal of friendship or more, perhaps they enjoy chatting to people at random

 

2. you dont account for people who enjoy an open relationship/poly/people who dont consider online activities infidelity

 

3. people do like to be social, its written into our biology as deeply as reproduction and self preservation is, some people can deny any number of their biological imperatives but they are there because they work, they ensure the health and growth of the species

 

4. not all relationships require literally every drop of social energy a person may have, infact relationships like that tend to be branded as "co-dependant" and "smothering" its different if the people involved are clingy with eachother but that shouldnt be taken as the norm we are all people with our wants and needs and its just plain destructive to shame people in such a cynical way

Edited February 6, 2020 by Aetherr

[EvieTheOne]

I really don't think your time here or anywhere is relevant to what is in fact as you yourself mentioned a shared human experience. A few of you decided to identify with what I've written and now we have the "not all men" straw argument. I'm sorry I wasn't specific enough, but then again, that would've been a bias in itself, so that all or none could see themselves in my critique, but the thing is, I was talking about committed, monogamous relationships, whereby the doms, yes, specifically, and on the sly are contacting or deciding to carry on chatting to individual littles, subs, privately. Now, I'm not referring to innocent, 'I just want to help' scenarios because there's none. Whomever carries out private chats behind their partners' backs are emotionally shorthanding, if not cheating.

[Pupperoo]

I personally think you sound extremely controlling and jealous as a person. Demanding to know whether your partner talks to others (littles in this case) is not healthy. Expecting your partner to be open with who they communicate with is one thing, but saying that carrying out a private conversation behind your back is the same as cheating is very far fetched. A relationship is not a prison, it's a blessing, and it does not remove your right to privacy and private conversations with other people. There probably is a lot more to your viewpoint based on your own personal background, and I am getting the feeling that you've been lied to or cheated on in the past, and if that's the case I am sorry, but I don't think you should generalize ''doms'' in the manner you are (because many just want to be helpful in the community as someone with experience, not seeking additional relationships or sexual favors), and telling someone that they are pulling the ''not all men straw arguement'' when they mention their own experience on the subject is just not fair.

[EvieTheOne]

I cannot be more specific in my argument as to what kind of situations and Doms I'm referring to than I have been in my replies if you'd honour me (and yourself) to read them. Alternatively, it's worth mentioning that kink shaming is a no go area: who am I to judge what sort of dynamic people consent to, be that something you or others might consider "toxic", well I think anyone in a monogamous relationship chatting online with other women/men behind their partners back, is committing a questionable act, with a questionable intent, and I really don't care for their rationalisations. If I met Barry in a gardening forum (very unlikely that I'll just instantly hit it off or open up to Barry the gardener btw..me being the shy little that I am and all..) I'd have absolutely no issues telling my partner about it. Why? Because I understand committing to our relationship as such.

We are all coming from personal experience, we cannot invalidate some and validate others. That would be a logical fallacy. And unfair.

[SmolAetherr]

I cannot be more specific in my argument as to what kind of situations and Doms I'm referring to than I have been in my replies if you'd honour me (and yourself) to read them. Alternatively, it's worth mentioning that kink shaming is a no go area: who am I to judge what sort of dynamic people consent to, be that something you or others might consider "toxic", well I think anyone in a monogamous relationship chatting online with other women/men behind their partners back, is committing a questionable act, with a questionable intent, and I really don't care for their rationalisations. If I met Barry in a gardening forum (very unlikely that I'll just instantly hit it off or open up to Barry the gardener btw..me being the shy little that I am and all..) I'd have absolutely no issues telling my partner about it. Why? Because I understand committing to our relationship as such.

We are all coming from personal experience, we cannot invalidate some and validate others. That would be a logical fallacy. And unfair.

you are coming across as fabricating a strawman arguement now?

what sort of awful person are you dealing with who would keep something like that a secret either by a lie or omission, i am not saying those people don't exist but the blanket statements and such make you seem like you are coming from a "glass half full" standpoint

 

and i have to say from experiance, assuming ill intent in everyone you meet is a guaranteed way to end up alone.

if you wish to end up alone, more power to you but not all of us choose see the worst in people, and not all people see an ulterior motive or a goal of friendship or a relationship as an inherently bad thing regardless of if those desire/intentions end up fulfilled or not

 

oh and you should correct your "not all men" to "not all people" since assuming men as the only ones capable of chatting to people with the result being emotional infidelity or just straight up infidelity is pretty sexist tbh.

Edited February 6, 2020 by Aetherr

[princess cotton grass]

girl, this isn't a dating site. plus i think it's an important part of bdsm culture for advice to be given by experienced members of the community to those who are newer and less experienced and therefore inherently vulnerable. i personally know everything i do about bdsm from community veterans who i have spent many hours in conversation with. 

 

notice how i'm using the word 'community' a lot.. because that is what this is. we are a collective group of people who look out for each other. 

 

however, i do agree that many inexperienced members happen to feel inclined to advise others whilst they themselves are none the wiser about bdsm law or customs. there are also cases of people spreading misinformation and practicing unhealthy and inappropriate behavior in relationships whilst claiming to be bdsm (we only have to look at the atrocities of begforjay on yt for this). this tends to be the exception however and i would advise any new members of the community to get in touch with practiced bdsm mentors.

 

 

[LittleCelticLass]

Once again, this is NOT a dating site. Are people allowed to post personal adds here? Yes. Do the rules clearly state the chat room is not the place to go to look for a partner? Yes. Do people break the rules? Occasionally. So I ask again, given that you never answered my question as to if you are lumping communities like the Forum in with Tinder or Match dot com, how are you quantifying a "dating site"?

 

It sounds like you have had some negative experiences, and are reluctant to answer clarifying questions. I stand by my answer, yes indeed, a person (Dom or little, man or woman) can have meaningful friendships, including private conversations, with others outside thier healthy committed monogamous relationship. The key is communication and intent. If my partner tried to keep me from messaging my best friend, who happens to be male and a Dom, I would loose it. If he wanted to know the context of the conversations, he's welcome to ask and I would share them. That's how communication works for me.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

There are lying, cheating, manipulative people in all walks of life regardless of gender, age, BDSM or vanilla dynamics. And it's categorically wrong to be lying, cheating or maliciously manipulative.

 

Apart from that, what people decide to do within their relationbsip (whatever sort of r'ship it is) is UP TO THEM. 

 

I don't have personal chats with DDs because I get attached too easily and I don't want such personal interaction with someone who isn't MY DaddyDom. Heck, I don't even do PMs with other littles, because I feel strongly about keeping the forum vibrant with active conversations. (I only accept pm's for a specific reason if someone has a question etc. and then that's it.)

That's my personal choice. 

 

You might find your threads less argumentative if you word your future posts as opinions and thoughts rather than asserting them as facts or "one-true way" of doing things.

 

 Looby   

[LittleCelticLass]

Oh, I thought oh another point.

Specific to pm's/private conversations. I have a friend, let's call him Bob. Bob happily married, and is an expert (real, acknowledg by the greater BDSM community) in subject X. I am interested in subject X, but I realize that it might not be to the taste of (triggering, I hate that word) everyone in chat. So I ask if I can pm. He says yes, and we strike up a conversation, in pm, about said subject. Are you saying Bob had no business having this conversation in private? That he should have just ignored that it might upset others to be had in public, not to mention my personal privacy at having my kinks put on blast?

Some conversations are just better held in private.

[EvieTheOne]

you are coming across as fabricating a strawman arguement now?

what sort of awful person are you dealing with who would keep something like that a secret either by a lie or omission, i am not saying those people don't exist but the blanket statements and such make you seem like you are coming from a "glass half full" standpoint

 

and i have to say from experiance, assuming ill intent in everyone you meet is a guaranteed way to end up alone.

if you wish to end up alone, more power to you but not all of us choose see the worst in people, and not all people see an ulterior motive or a goal of friendship or a relationship as an inherently bad thing regardless of if those desire/intentions end up fulfilled or not

 

oh and you should correct your "not all men" to "not all people" since assuming men as the only ones capable of chatting to people with the result being emotional infidelity or just straight up infidelity is pretty sexist tbh.

There was no blanket statement, nor have I assumed I'll intent of everybody. I specified the frame I was presenting my argument in, and repeated it a couple of times. Read again my comments, if memory falters you.

[EvieTheOne]

Once again, this is NOT a dating site. Are people allowed to post personal adds here? Yes. Do the rules clearly state the chat room is not the place to go to look for a partner? Yes. Do people break the rules? Occasionally. So I ask again, given that you never answered my question as to if you are lumping communities like the Forum in with Tinder or Match dot com, how are you quantifying a "dating site"?

It sounds like you have had some negative experiences, and are reluctant to answer clarifying questions. I stand by my answer, yes indeed, a person (Dom or little, man or woman) can have meaningful friendships, including private conversations, with others outside thier healthy committed monogamous relationship. The key is communication and intent. If my partner tried to keep me from messaging my best friend, who happens to be male and a Dom, I would loose it. If he wanted to know the context of the conversations, he's welcome to ask and I would share them. That's how communication works for me.

I've reread the whole thread, you're welcome, and nowhere have I found a question asked by you to me, yet here you are making it out that I refused or avoided answer. That's not me, I take responsibility for any of my claims. And here goes: I think that there's much more of soliciting intent on this forum than you presume there is. We can argue about that, but that's my opinion so far from what I've seen. The other one is this: albeit I've repeated myself ad nauseam you choose to cut corners with my argument. I will not repeat the circumstances I've refered to, ( not a partner keeping the other partner from chatting to their bffs) because I think that not understanding what's wrong with sneaking behind your partner is a personal choice at this point.

[EvieTheOne]

There are lying, cheating, manipulative people in all walks of life regardless of gender, age, BDSM or vanilla dynamics. And it's categorically wrong to be lying, cheating or maliciously manipulative.

 

Apart from that, what people decide to do within their relationbsip (whatever sort of r'ship it is) is UP TO THEM. 

 

I don't have personal chats with DDs because I get attached too easily and I don't want such personal interaction with someone who isn't MY DaddyDom. Heck, I don't even do PMs with other littles, because I feel strongly about keeping the forum vibrant with active conversations. (I only accept pm's for a specific reason if someone has a question etc. and then that's it.)

That's my personal choice. 

 

You might find your threads less argumentative if you word your future posts as opinions and thoughts rather than asserting them as facts or "one-true way" of doing things.

 

 Looby   [/quot

 

"I think" I said I think, therefore I've taken ownership of my posting as mine, view, experience, etc. All along this thread I'm taking ownership of my claims. I cannot do more than that. At the end of the day, these are my opinions and as far as I'm concerned they brought up a great deal of food for thought. Nowhere have I asserted myself as a one true way preacher. Quite the contrary, I've given a reply saying that kink shaming is a no-no! I respect everybody's kink, if you are happy with your partner chatting to the world and their pets, I am happy and supportive. I'm saying that if your partner's doing it behind your back, and you don't know about it,that's emotional cheating.

[EvieTheOne]

girl, this isn't a dating site. plus i think it's an important part of bdsm culture for advice to be given by experienced members of the community to those who are newer and less experienced and therefore inherently vulnerable. i personally know everything i do about bdsm from community veterans who i have spent many hours in conversation with. 

 

notice how i'm using the word 'community' a lot.. because that is what this is. we are a collective group of people who look out for each other. 

 

however, i do agree that many inexperienced members happen to feel inclined to advise others whilst they themselves are none the wiser about bdsm law or customs. there are also cases of people spreading misinformation and practicing unhealthy and inappropriate behavior in relationships whilst claiming to be bdsm (we only have to look at the atrocities of begforjay on yt for this). this tends to be the exception however and i would advise any new members of the community to get in touch with practiced bdsm mentors.

 

 

Girl, nowhere am I saying it is. I have brought up a very real, and unfortunately very common issue around mishandling power imbalance, authority and priviledges, with an concrete example: a Dom, in his infinite wisdom, chatting to individual littles or subs without the knowledge or consent of his/her partner, just because he can and he/she's so indispensable. )

It's not about who knows what BDSM and sub and Doms are, and who doesn't. I've spent the last four years on forums and groups chatting and learning, and it's all a bit of a joke, if after all this initiation, a clearly self indulgent act is considered some sort of help. No my friend, make a video, write a book, put it out there for us stupid little lambs and don't go behind your partner to try and chat up vulnerable women or men. And this is not about you, but if the shoe fits, don't blame me, change yourself. Wouldn't you agree, in principle? And finally... that's the scope of the forums..to be alive. This is not some sort of secret society whereby we gather here to chat in private, we can do that elsewhere, and indeed, almost all have asked me for other ways to get in contact, which renders this site literally just a gateway to the potential of something else, so a bit of a dating site, this is where all that can be aired about the lifestyle, IS aired because this is visible, nothing to hide, no funky intentions, no misunderstanding, okay, that's not true, but an open platform to debate it all.

[LittleCelticLass]

I think it depends entirely on what you are quantifying as a dating site

Question. ^^

 

No need to become defensive. Mine was not the only question not answered. Several asked you what you were getting at, at various moments in this thread.

 

Second point, you changed the "scenario" after your first post.

 

"If a daddy is dedicated to his little, and their relationship, he's got no job being a member of various dating sites, giving advice and time and energy towards individual littles. That time and energy is taken away from his own...sure, he can find creative, professional ways to advocate for his cause on a platform, and have clients and all that, but not play the agony aunt to vulnerable girls on the internet and rationalize his behaviour as altruism. It's not. I think it's natural curiousity and giving in to temptation, with sod all knowledge about the outcome, but then again, that's exactly the lure of the prohibited fruit, or hidden affairs, of (emotional) cheating, in effect.

Thoughts?"

 

Read it multiple times. No where in your first post does it say "behind the littles back", so logic tells me that the implication this behavior is wrong, whether it's done in secret or out in the open.

 

It wasn't until this point "...I was talking about committed, monogamous relationships, whereby the doms, yes, specifically, and on the sly are contacting or deciding to carry on chatting to individual littles, subs, privately" that you brought this type of communication being done "on the sly" into the scenario. By then, several of us had clearly stated that they were not sure what you were getting at. Perhapse if you had clarified and/or rephrased you initial query, the water might not have gotten so muddied.

 

Suffice it to say, I think we are all in agreement, cheeting/on the sly/malicious intent/misleading people are all bad things. Sadly, shit happens in this world. I prefer to think positive until the negative is proven. Your mileage may vary.

 

I hope you find what it is you are looking for, and that the Forum can help you on that journey.