how do I bring up punishments/what to do when I mess up

[zanderandspike]

so my CG and I are pretty new to this(he's very new and I've only had 3 CG/l relationships)

 

most of the time it's good, but tonight I broke a rule, I said a cuss word

 

I'm not exactly a brat and actually cried over breaking a rule and being bad

 

now, we've talked about punishments, we decided on lines, but he didn't make me write any, just said don't do it

 

and I'm not really sure what to do? like on one hand I needed him to tell me that I'm not going to be hit for messing up, but I also need the structure of being punished(I guess is how you would phrase that?)

 

so my question is how do I bring it up with him? how do I let him know what to do without freaking out? cause like if he wanted to hit me, I'd let him, but I can't handle that mentally 

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Firstly any talk of "being hit for messing up" - or being hit for anything - would be a huge red flag for me. Of course if you choose to include extreme impact in your dynamic, it's up to you. But please be careful.

Being smacked is a different thing.

 

Okay, onto the talking about punishments with your CG. Well .... do just that ... talk! And listen. Have a discussion. You could open up with exactly what you said here "I needed him to tell me that I'm not going to be hit for messing up, but I also need the structure of being punished"

All relationships require negotiation, mutual understanding, and joint decisions. DDlg requires a higher level of communication IMO, or perhaps there's just MORE to talk about LOL. 

 

Pick a time when you're both relaxed and have got enough time for an uninterrupted chat, keep your adult head on, and open up a friendly conversation.

I'm sure you'll do just fine.

 

Looby 

[Guest Prat]

Structure is about being consistent. You two discuss rules, rewards and punishments. You set it up and assign certain rewards for certain good things you do and then certain punishments for certain bad things you do and then you follow that structure.

 

Bad words = writing lines, there's no need to overthink it or wonder if it's good or bad.. And there's definitely no need for a different punishment (and a much more extreme one) for no good reason.

 

Once again, structure is all about being consistent, there's really no need to be confused or uncomfortable, him or you.

 

I suppose you're feeling confused now because he failed to follow the structure, I think that's what you should relay to him when you discuss it.

 

And yes, you should definitely discuss it! Constructive discussions are the best way to maintain a healthy relationship.

[Daddyprof]

Sometimes it is as simple as a comment: “ I’m sorry that I said a curse word. I understand that I should be punished.” Or “will you be punishing me for that?” Or “I understand that I need to be punished, and I’m sorry.” Those types of phrases give your cg a cue and a reminder, and also a safe place to feel comfortable giving you the punishment.

 

Not to mention that some of us cg’s find such talk to be very . . . satisfying!

 

Good luck.

[Guest Relentlessoptimist]

For me, the rule I set is that there are certain mistakes that I will forgive initially and that I will re-assess or give punishment for if the behavior is not corrected over time.

 

Other things like lying and more severe stuff I will punish for.

 

Currently for us its writing assignments because I want them to learn and grow to be better. Its ldr as well.

 

I also had a talk w them. 1 of my littles brought up the idea of a contract and taught me about that. The contract lists out all of these rules, obligations on both sides, everything. And it's just wonderful for clarity. As well, we have a once a week time where all the rules are suspended where issues can be brought up, if there is an issue I want them to being it up or I will if I know of something and then we talk renegotiate and then move forward.

 

My goal is to help my littles grow into better stronger people than they already are. And my philosophy is, improvement over time. As long as that path is followed, a relapse is no big deal because then they get in that path again. And over time the new habit takes over.

 

For you, communicate how you were feeling in a respectful manner and tell him that both parts of you were confused. 1) because you didnt know you wouldn't get physically punished which worried you

And 2) you still wanted some discipline / accountability and clear guidelines.

 

As another poster said, communicate. But everything is an initial negotiation. If he can punish you, there should be rewards as well sometimes. And if its physical, then you negotiate acceptance if you agree to it but it cant be forced on you. And that consent can be withdrawn at any time. So ... just take this as a growing opportunity for your relationship and communicate it how you will to get future clarity in how things are handled. Best wishes to you both.

[zanderandspike]

thank you all for responding! I'm having that chat with him now and so far so good!