Have you ever taken a break from ddlg in your relationship? Long post

[asoftspotforme]

Hi everyone. First time poster here. First of all I’d like to say I’m very thankful to find this community because I have been feeling very isolated and have no one around me to discuss this part of me with (aside from my partner.) Thank you in advance to everyone that takes the time to read this. I appreciate any and all advice, solidarity, sharing of similar situations, etc. but please be gentle. This is going to be long, I apologize.

 

So recently my partner and I got into a large argument. A bit of backstory: he works long, long hours, and I am a caregiver to our children at home. To me it’s an ideal set up, though I do feel very isolated and I get stressed out with all the upkeep of the children. He leaves for work at 11am and usually won’t be home until midnight or later except on rare occasion. Most mornings he sleeps in until shortly before he leaves for work because he is physically exhausted. I usually stay awake until he is home to greet him and serve him dinner and spend time with him. I look forward to this every night, all day long I look forward to it, even though usually he is so tired that he has very little energy to give me. He is always thankful for my meals and tells me he loves me, etc.

I spend a lot of time in the day missing him and daydreaming about going into littlespace with him. It’s been months since he read to me at bedtime, given me a bath, rocked me, any of those kinds of things. He is simply too tired. He spends a moderate amount of time on his phone catching up on the games he plays, and we talk while he does. We usually manage to have some sleepy intercourse before he passes out. Needless to say, though I try to be patient and understanding, I am left feeling unfulfilled.

Back to the first point: we got into a big fight. I recently lost a whole night of sleep when my daughter was up sick, so I was emotional from being so tired. I still made all the children breakfast and got them ready etc etc. I tried to talk to my partner... I very calmly said that I am craving intimacy and connection with him, that I am missing him, and that I feel guilty for trying to take up bis energy and attention... but I wanted to reach out to him and let him know that I am needing emotional support.

My pleas were immediately shot down. I was berated for being unreasonable, told that all he does is support me. He said nothing he ever does is good enough and that I’m never happy. He even asked (yelled) at me, “are you HIGH?!” I fell apart crying. I immediately felt broken and stupid and like I’m just annoying. I feel so, so stupid...

It’s been a couple days since then and we’ve talked about some of it. I told him I feel so idiotic, and that I wish I could just be normal and stop causing him problems. He wants things to just go back to how they were. Today he told me to be good while he was gone, and I said ok, then he said, ok WHAT..? He wanted me to say, “Yes, Daddy.” I forced it out but honestly it wasn’t natural in that moment.

My problem is that now I feel like I am scared to slip into littlespace. All I can think about is all the things he yelled at me, I feel stupid and like a burden. When I feel myself getting close to littlespace I feel vulnerable in a bad way, I feel scared and like I want to keep a wall up because I don’t want to feel the way I felt when he was angry at me. So... I was thinking, maybe we should take a break from ddlg, since he hasn’t had the time for it anyway. He wants to be called daddy and to enjoy other aspects of it but honestly I can’t recall the last time I even received aftercare following sex. Now I am too nervous to let myself slip into it anyway even though what I want most in my heart is to be babied and cuddled and little.

This turned into quite the novel, apologies. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has ever been frightened out of going into littlespace? Did you recover? Did you find your way back eventually? Should I even let myself, if I feel this sad and hurt and vulnerable? I feel lost. Thanks to everyone if you made it this far.

[Guest PrincessSparkles35]

I'm quite new to understanding my little side and wanted to reach out to tell you I understand. Being a mom myself and a little it is challenging and devastating when those around us berate us. I'm still figuring out how to manage my daily life balance but I have figured out doing small things that express my littlenrss help. I don't think your fears are unfounded. Rather, you have the right to feel that as well as to ask for emotional support. I'm so sorry u had a big fight. Do u play games when u can? Sometimes connecting with other littles and making friends helps.

[Metalheaddaddy]

Sounds like you are both under huge amounts of stress and it's starting to affect your relationship. I kind of feel couples counseling would be the way to go.

[asoftspotforme]

Sparkles, thank you for reaching out. I appreciate your input as both a mother and a little. Thank you for validating my concerns. I used to game often but haven’t had any time lately. I read snippets here and there though I’m finding that to be a little stressful because I can usually only get to a few pages at a time before someone or something needs my attention. That’s why gaming took a back burner It’s easier to put a book down than to pause a cutscene in a game heh. Thanks again so much. I don’t have any little friends so I am hopeful that I will find some here. I think it would help me a lot. ❤

 

Chicago, yes, you are definitely right about us being under stress. I will look into couples counseling in our area. I am concerned my partner may not like the idea initially because it would mean “admitting” something is wrong and that we need “help” but that social stigma surrounding therapy needs to be continuously challenged and broken down anyway. I appreciate your input as well. Thank you.

[AsleepAndDreaming]

Hello 

 

First off, welcome to the forum and I hope you find some little friends and get some helpful advice.

 

I hope you don't think I'm judging your personal life but the thing that I noticed was that your partner was living to work, not working to live. The way you describe it, he does nothing but work, come home, eat, sleep and then repeat that cycle. This does not seem to give you any time to be "together", to spend the quality time that all relationships need, whether it's CG/l or whether it's vanilla. And in the end, that separation, that lack of togetherness, the lack of time to talk and discover each other and how you want to progress, all that builds up and up inside of you both until you end up having a big argument. 

 

And Chicago's comment is right, you are both under stress because looking after your little ones is stressful as well, so ideally you need to see whether you can change anything that helps you reduce that stress and helps you spend more time together. I've no idea of your financial situation or his job, but can he look to reduce his hours if you can afford it? Or can he look for another job in the same industry that maybe has more family-friendly hours? What can the two of you do to have a better quality of life? 

 

Ultimately going into little space will be easier if you're both less stressed and both spend more time together and if life doesn't seem like one big roundabout that you can't get off. He will want to be a Daddy to you more if he's not falling asleep all the time. You'll have more time to talk and more time to understand each other. And your little side will come back and will recover, but you'll only feel more comfortable about it if you change the core things that are wrong. In essence, it seems like you're looking at the effect of your unhappiness, rather than looking at the cause of it. 

 

I'm really really sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just looking at it from an outside perspective, and knowing neither of you. I just hope it helps a little bit?

[zanderandspike]

Ok, so I have a couple of ideas here

 

1) be little without your partner

2) make a list of things you want to talk about in councling that makes it easier to talk about

3) love is work, you both have to be willing to put the work in, and right now he's not putting the work in, I don't mean he's not willing to, he may not have even noticed that he's taken a step back, but I think you should try bringing this up to him

4) after care isn't an option, it's needed, the fact that he hasn't is very concerning and something that should be brought up

 

he may not even notice these things, but you are, sometimes you have to bring it to your partners attention

 

and remember, it's the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other

 

hope any of that is helpful, best wishes, 

Drea

[littledinosaurrawrrr]

Yes... That and MD/LB. I kinda gave all that up for years. Now I am getting back into it.