what is and isn't cheating?

[octodaddy]

Hello everyone, I'm relatively new to the ddlg community and my first experience didn't go well, honestly it kind of ruined my relationship and left some mental scars and serious trust issues. Anywsy These days I'm a very happy daddy with a wonderful little but that was not always the case.

 

Anyway I was introduced to things by my ex after about 5 yesrs of being together and wanted me to be get involved in a a non sexual way. Which I attempted with mixed results but as time went on I started to enjoy things and also wanted to take them In a sexual direction which she wanted no part of. Anyway fast forward about 2 years and I find out that she has found an (allegedly, there was sexting she doesn't believe I know about) platonic relationship with a new caregiver. She lied about who he was, the nature of their relationship and so on. It became a major source of conflict and when I said she was cheating she claimed that her relationship with him couldn't be cheating because it was 100% platonic.

 

Problem is she still snuck around behind my back, lied to my face and doesn't believe she did anything wrong. For added context she moved in with him after breaking up with me and still swears the caregiver/little aspect is platonic. But anyway is it cheating? I feel cheated on, I feel like my trust was betrayed and I can never see her the same way again. I just feel that the nature of a ddlg relationship is close enough that even with no sex to do it behind your partners back is cheating. Or am I just crazy?

[clo_oh]

this is straight up cheating. with some DDLG relationships, there will be cases where either the male or female will not

want to take part in the DDLG aspect, so the other will go find a daddy/little to be with.

but the difference between those cases and this case is that both of them are agreeing with it to happen, and you are her daddy.

she has lied, and is going behind your back. that is in fact considered cheating.

i feel like you should really sit down and talk with her about what she is doing.

tell her everything you know. tell her that if she does not stop talking to this 'other man', you will end things.

if you do not want to be as 'harsh', tell her that want the relationship to be serious, and that you are not going to continue on in the relationship if she does not act on what she is doing by stopping all contact with the 'other man'.

[octodaddy]

For knowledge we ended things about six months ago but there are still complicated feelings and I can't really cut contact for various reasons I can't get in to without revealing personal info.

 

I met someone new recently and we actually bonded over over shared relationship issues and then she told me she wanted a daddy and had never found one and things just sorta clicked and before I knew if we were a happy couple.

 

I think at this point it's more about closure and vindication that everything I was feeling wasn't wrong

Edited January 19, 2020 by octodaddy

[SmolAetherr]

here is the thing, adults are complicated

we live complicated lives

and for the sake of it we complicate our identies and our labels

 

so asking others for a definitive answer about something like this will get you varied answers that wont even touch what it means for you

 

in my opinion its absolutely cheating, there is such a thing as emotional infidelity and that can vary as much as cheating in the traditional sense, fact is she is going to another you would percieve as a rival for things you could provide without your consent or knowledge

 

that is a breach of trust and absolutely valid grounds to end the relationship but you already knew this

hell about the time you ex moved in with this platonic daddy you knew she was taking you for a ride and not a pleasent country drive either.

Edited January 19, 2020 by Aetherr

[APTX]

You are absolutely right, you were cheated on. Why do you think these type of people need to add "platonic" to being friends, since it obviously crosses the boundaries of being just a friend. Ultimately this is also a huge disrespect towards their partner.

Why do you think these type of people have a strong need to hide it from their partner, doing things behind their back and lie their way through things? Because they know what they are doing is wrong, immoral, nor was it ever agreed on or consent being given from their partner.

 

Whether it's physically, or emotionally cheating, cheating is cheating. There is no going around it, yet these type of people need to feel "guilt-free" hence they give themselves "reasons" to make it sounds okay to them yet somewhere they know what they are doing is wrong.

 

I'm quite a forgiven person, can forgive a lot, but cheating is something I could never forgive. If my (future) partner ever disrespected me and our relationship like that, I'd end it on the spot. No second thoughts given. I would and could never trust that person again.

[redheadprincess98]

In my opinion, it was emotional cheating. But here is the thing, there isn’t a rule about what is cheating and what isn’t, that is personal and unique for every couple and has to be discussed and agreed on beforehand. If you consider it cheating, then it was but you should have talked to her about it, and ask all the questions you wanted like WHY. Maybe there was something lacking in your relationship or maybe there wasnt and she was just an a**hole, but the point is, communication is the most important thing in a relationship, even if the topic is painful like lets say: cheating. Now, moving on, you can (and probably should) do it with your new partner to establish some ground: define what is and what isn’t cheating, what would each other forgive and what is a deal breaker, and what to do if it happens (if someone fancies someone else, or get drunk and sleep with another person but it doesnt mean anything: would you want her to tell you or not? Would you tell her). Everything can and has to be talked about. But please don’t do all the talking, listen to her as well. Respect each other. Best of luck

[octodaddy]

Thanks for all the input and I welcome more, see I have tried to talk things out and before I moved on I did want to try again but it just goes nowhere. but my trust was just so very shattered. She refuses to acknowledge that what she did was cheating when confronted and swears that it's not. She Even tried to pull community seniority saying "I don't know what I'm talking about" when I said that a caregiver/little relationship would still be cheating if done behind my back. It's the denial that's just killed everything. That and a major sticking point is him being gone seeing as how I to put it lightly think he's human garbage and want him gone from my life if we were ever to try again. The other day she claimed that she's never done anything physical with him because "it feels like I would be cheating on you" and that just felt like a load

 

Anyway it's been nice to hear that at least when I talk about it I'm not in the wrong for how I feel and I worry about whether she's in not being honest, in complete denial or just has gone crazy

[SongofSparrow]

Everyone's definition of cheating is going to vary. Some people think talking to other people is not cheating- only getting physical is. Other people believe talking to other people intimately (e.g., sexting) is cheating.

 

I'm going to say that since you feel lied to, than you feel like it was cheating. Honestly, that's all that matters. Something I've done with my relationships is telling my partner right way what I consider to be cheating. That way they know from the very beginning.

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

I think the definition of cheating is simple. It is being with someone else in some way that one (or more) partners have not agreed is acceptable. The reasons why and how cheating comes to be is the complicated part. I'm not saying all cheaters are bad or wrong either. Sometimes it happens purely by accident, through lack of discussion, if a person is drunk or under the influence of a drug and the "cheater" isn't aware they have cheated until it is done. Then they may try to hide it on purpose or may inadvertently hide it because they aren't sure how to admit it. If it does happen not to be crude, but we all have 'Oh shit-o-meters' and know we've mucked something up. Unless a person has a legitimate inability to understand human emotions and relationships or they are a child, cheating wouldn't continue after it was acknowledge except that it is continued on purpose.

 

In a relationship we all come to the point of saying what we think or feel about what counts as cheating. It may be spoken about directly or by shared/known religious beliefs or by simply already knowing a person's moral standards. Many people forget to talk about what counts for emotional cheating though. Although it often gets glossed over that isn't an excuse for it not to count. It is up to the couple after it has happened whether, not count it, to forgive each other or not maybe won't be forgivable, ut they want to try stay together, or decided it was an accident, etc. You have already discussed it with her and clearly don't forgive her, for good reason imo. She knows she mucked it up because platonic relationships tend not to involve sex or sexting when one person is already involved in a relationship. Participation in sex/sexting without cheating means a person's partner is aware and okay with whatever is happening. Besides, it takes conscious effort, time, and willingness to set up a ddlg relationship or any bdsm relationship in which a person agrees a power exchange.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad that you met a wonderful little. If at all possible, I think perhaps you should stop speaking to her about this. She doesn't seem like she is ever going to admit it and it is causing you lots of stress and anger. I hope whatever needs to dealt with between you ends quickly, so you and your little get to move on and be happy together. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Batty

[Littlecutecookie]

It is cheating. If it wasn't why would she hide it in the first place? Why would she lie about it?

Just excuses for her crappy behaviour

[redheadprincess98]

Thanks for all the input and I welcome more, see I have tried to talk things out and before I moved on I did want to try again but it just goes nowhere. but my trust was just so very shattered. She refuses to acknowledge that what she did was cheating when confronted and swears that it's not. She Even tried to pull community seniority saying "I don't know what I'm talking about" when I said that a caregiver/little relationship would still be cheating if done behind my back. It's the denial that's just killed everything. That and a major sticking point is him being gone seeing as how I to put it lightly think he's human garbage and want him gone from my life if we were ever to try again. The other day she claimed that she's never done anything physical with him because "it feels like I would be cheating on you" and that just felt like a load

Anyway it's been nice to hear that at least when I talk about it I'm not in the wrong for how I feel and I worry about whether she's in not being honest, in complete denial or just has gone crazy

 

Okay but isn’t that relationship over already? And don’t you have a new one already? I mean, if I knew my daddy is obsessed or still thinking about his ex I would consider it somehow cheating and I would be hurt. Why don’t you let her go and move on with your life and focus on your new relationship? Because I really don’t see the point of this when the relationship is over.

[octodaddy]

Okay but isn’t that relationship over already? And don’t you have a new one already? I mean, if I knew my daddy is obsessed or still thinking about his ex I would consider it somehow cheating and I would be hurt. Why don’t you let her go and move on with your life and focus on your new relationship? Because I really don’t see the point of this when the relationship is over.

Well honestly she and I were together 9 years and things only ended 6 months ago and most of my issues have been worked through in that time, but I'm still untangling my life from hers and that means keeping in contact and being civil (at least on my part) and sometimes that reopens old wounds. My princess understands that and has been very supportive and I love her for it. That and I am a complete open book and so she knew every last detail before we became a couple and I made sure she understood

[AsleepAndDreaming]

Whether it's cheating or not is actually not that relevant in the overall scheme of things. What's relevant is that she lied to you about something hugely important, repeatedly by the looks of it, and that in itself should be enough for you to know that the correct thing to do was to end it. Once someone lies to me, particularly in this kind of relationship, you might as well give up there and then because the trust has completely been lost and therefore there's actually no way of knowing whether this other relationship is platonic as she claims or whether it's just another lie because she doesn't want the added complication of hurting you. And once someone lies, you wonder what else they've lied about, whether they've cheated before, whether they'll do it again. If you're not with them, you wonder where they are, what they're doing and when you ask them, you'll wonder whether they're telling the truth. It's a vicious spinning circle. 

 

Unfortunately it seems as if it's still haunting you a bit, but 6 months on after 9 years together can still represent a time of healing and a time of reflection. Personally I always feel that if someone has hurt you then you would be better off without them in your life because otherwise you can be consumed with negative emotion and we don't have enough time in our lives to deal with that. You'd do well IMO to untangle your life from hers as soon as possible and concentrate on looking forwards, not back. Focus on the people you CAN trust, not on those who have proved they don't deserve you.