Loaded Question : Overcoming Jealousy

[Kittemptress]

****EDIT****

The below message isn’t fully true. My exDD *never* had sex with other girls while I was his little. In fact, I was less loyal than he was because I am married. I stated that I was “extremely monogamous”.... which... judging by my marital status is a boldface lie. He is the one who ended the relationship because I was mistreating him, not the other way around. He has always been so thoughtful to me, considered my feelings always, was always a support for me, a safe place to go, he always comforted me when I got jealous... he went above and beyond even though he is not ready to be in a committed full time relationship with someone. But I destroyed that by lying and hiding things.... being manipulative and vengeful. Now he cannot trust me.

 

********

 

 

So, you guys may have seen my post about my relationship with my DD. Well, to give a brief overview... he is single while I am monogamous to him. He does not have romantic relationships with other girls, only me. However, he does have sex with the other girls. I am the only girl who has any commitment from him and he says that if its a choice between me and one of the girls, it's always me. However, he has no plans on dating me and states clearly he won't. Unfortunately I am madly in love with this man.

 

Now... I am extremely monogamous. So this is wildly difficult for me, but I see the value in this relationship at this point in my life so I want to try my best to make it work.

 

My question: What are ways I can accept the jealousy and control my emotions when I suspect/know he is with the other girls?

 

 

Wish me luck, y'all.

 

(P.S. I know people will say to walk away. I am sure I will eventually or he will end it. At this point in time, I want to learn to *accept* what he is offering me and not expect more.)

Edited February 3, 2020 by Alittlejigsaw

[MissPattch]

Hey Jigsaw,

 

Thats quite a situation to be in :/ I had an LDR before, and although i don't know for fact that he was with other women while i wasnt "around", i had my suspicions. I'm like you and fiercely monogamous and get jealous quite easily, so i struggled with it for quite a while. In the end, i had to find a way to make it work because of the feelings i had for this person. I found that occupying my self with a hobby, or an activity while we were apart helped immensely. And i tried to do things that required some level of physicality, like walking, or horse riding. If i ever found my self thinking about what he was getting up to while we weren't together, i would give my self a mental telling-off and go and do something else. Its always going to be difficult when each party has different expectations from something, but if you are willing to work around it, then fair play to you. Only you will know when you are done trying. Good luck finding what works for you ^^

[SmolAetherr]

honestly, you need to work out if you would rather not know, play dumb to his activities or ask him if he can involve you in what he is doing what with who, but hey he already told you he would choose you so why not ask him if that is a possibility

 

people cant usually "switch off" jealousy its why some people can be poly and some can't.. trying to force your mind to accept an alternative is not as good of an idea

Edited January 18, 2020 by Aetherr

[Kittemptress]

honestly, you need to work out if you would rather not know, play dumb to his activities or ask him if he can involve you in what he is doing what with who, but hey he already told you he would choose you so why not ask him if that is a possibility

 

people cant usually "switch off" jealousy its why some people can be poly and some can't.. trying to force your mind to accept an alternative is not as good of an idea

 

We have tried both ways and when I knew details about things, it made me instantly lose respect and trust in him. So, it seems that "ignorance is bliss" is the best bet for me right now. 

 

I think you're right about jealousy. I'm never going to be okay with it as jealousy is my natural reaction and it's okay to have that emotion. But I think doing what MissPattch suggested and distracting myself and finding happiness outside of him while he is off doing other people is the best way for me to benefit from this relationship. 

Edited January 18, 2020 by Alittlejigsaw

[Kittemptress]

Hey Jigsaw,

 

Thats quite a situation to be in :/ I had an LDR before, and although i don't know for fact that he was with other women while i wasnt "around", i had my suspicions. I'm like you and fiercely monogamous and get jealous quite easily, so i struggled with it for quite a while. In the end, i had to find a way to make it work because of the feelings i had for this person. I found that occupying my self with a hobby, or an activity while we were apart helped immensely. And i tried to do things that required some level of physicality, like walking, or horse riding. If i ever found my self thinking about what he was getting up to while we weren't together, i would give my self a mental telling-off and go and do something else. Its always going to be difficult when each party has different expectations from something, but if you are willing to work around it, then fair play to you. Only you will know when you are done trying. Good luck finding what works for you ^^

 

Thank you for this! I have been doing this as well... I go on walks...paint... get coffee with friends... whatever I can do to keep me from freaking out and obsessing. However, the emotions are still strong and painful. Especially when I think of the reality of it all. I like your idea of being physical as well. I plan on joining a hiking group and just throwing myself into other things that are going to give me great experiences outside of him. That way my entire world doesn't revolve around me sitting at home thinking about who he is fucking or seducing at the moment. 

 

One positive that I have learned from all of this is that I understand myself much better. And I will *never* put myself in a position like this again. I went in naively thinking I would be okay with it and got way in over my head. Monogamy is my preference and I won't get into any type of flirting/relationship with anyone again who is not willing to see only me. 

[Guest Looby-Lou]

... I see the value in this relationship at this point in my life so I want to try my best to make it work.

 

My question: What are ways I can accept the jealousy and control my emotions when I suspect/know he is with the other girls? 

 

 

Wish me luck, y'all.   

 

(P.S. I know people will say to walk away. I am sure I will eventually or he will end it. At this point in time, I want to learn to *accept* what he is offering me and not expect more.)

 

Fair enough if you have reasons for valuing the relationship, as it is, at the moment. I was in a fairly similar situation once, had my reasons for staying with someone unsuitable - there were things I was learning. I think all you can do is be very clear with yourself about why you're doing this and what it will involve. And that includes being honest with yourself that it's going to involve jealousy, heartache, doubt and hurt.

 

I think you're trying to twist yourself into knots to make yourself ok with a situation that ... you're NOT ok with. And eventually the negative aspects (like I mentioned above) will outweigh the reason for staying with him. And you'll go. Or he'll end it because you're asking for more than he wants to give.

 

In the meantime, I wish you good luck. Just one thing ... DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF. He isn't going to change. And he is going to take anything and everything of yourself that you offer him in the meantime.

 

Looby 

[Guest Looby-Lou]

 

One positive that I have learned from all of this is that I understand myself much better. And I will *never* put myself in a position like this again. I went in naively thinking I would be okay with it and got way in over my head. Monogamy is my preference and I won't get into any type of flirting/relationship with anyone again who is not willing to see only me. 

 

 

I can understand how that happened. Butl the longer you keep yourself tied to him, the longer it will be before you're free to meet someone more suitable. No one who wants a monogamous relationship is going to get involved with you while you're still with him.

Edited January 18, 2020 by Looby-Lou

[Kittemptress]

Fair enough if you have reasons for valuing the relationship, as it is, at the moment. I was in a fairly similar situation once, had my reasons for staying with someone unsuitable - there were things I was learning. I think all you can do is be very clear with yourself about why you're doing this and what it will involve. And that includes being honest with yourself that it's going to involve jealousy, heartache, doubt and hurt.

 

I think you're trying to twist yourself into knots to make yourself ok with a situation that ... you're NOT ok with. And eventually the negative aspects (like I mentioned above) will outweigh the reason for staying with him. And you'll go. Or he'll end it because you're asking for more than he wants to give.

 

In the meantime, I wish you good luck. Just one thing ... DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF. He isn't going to change. And he is going to take anything and everything of yourself that you offer him in the meantime.

 

Looby 

 

 

I really really hate the last sentence but I logically know you're right. I'm just still in a deep denial about it tbh. I want to enjoy what we have in the present moment while I can and move on from there. My hope is that I am the one to end it eventually because I am ready to find someone who wants to be with me. My fear is that he will end it before I am ready and it will make the recovery much harder than it needs to be. But... I'll deal with that as it comes. It's not my first heartbreak. 

[Guest Looby-Lou]

I truly do sympathise, I've been through something a bit similar and tortured myself the same way. 

It sounds as if you're thinking clearly about what you're doing. You're aware of the pitfalls, but for the moment you're prepared to put up with all the negatives. Because you like the "good" bits.

Honestly, I think gradually the "good" stuff will seem less and and less worth it. But only you can judge that.

 

I think it's likely your ongoing interest in him is because you're monogamous and form strong attachments. It's not because of needing to be with HIM. It just feels that way right now.

 

Looby 

[Kittemptress]

I truly do sympathise, I've been through something a bit similar and tortured myself the same way. 

It sounds as if you're thinking clearly about what you're doing. You're aware of the pitfalls, but for the moment you're prepared to put up with all the negatives. Because you like the "good" bits.

Honestly, I think gradually the "good" stuff will seem less and and less worth it. But only you can judge that.

 

I think it's likely your ongoing interest in him is because you're monogamous and form strong attachments. It's not because of needing to be with HIM. It just feels that way right now.

 

Looby 

 

 

You may be right. And yes, I literally made a pros and cons list to determine if I should stick around. The pros (for the moment) are outweighing the cons. But as soon as that shifts, I won't be able to stay. I just hope that I learn a lot about myself during this time, create great memories, and end the relationship as friends and not in a fiery crash. He wants to remain friends when the intimate/sexual/DDlg side ends... but I may need some time before I can be back in his life actively.

[APTX]

I can understand how that happened. Butl the longer you keep yourself tied to him, the longer it will be before you're free to meet someone more suitable. No one who wants a monogamous relationship is going to get involved with you while you're still with him.

She's absolutely right. I'm a monogamous person to the core, I would never get involved with someone who was already in some sort of relationship with anyone, or anyone who didn't even taken time to heal over their previous relationship.

They aren't even remotely ready to be in one and are unable to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

It's not that hard to notice you're just keep giving yourself reasons to stay with him. You're clinging to hope, a wish, a dream that simply never will be realized.

The likely scenario what will happen you just being in a love and hate relationship with this man, you will bottle things up and start lashing out, you will force "love" out of him, will try getting his attention and his care all because you want him all for yourself.

You're quite aware he's not exclusive to you and never will. He's getting everything and you will always left with a void.

 

Honestly you need to really have a talk with yourself, and be harsh towards yourself. I can understand it may be hard, but really if this is how you truly chose to live with it, then no one can stop you really, because only you can.

 

I know you probably hate hearing this, but I mean it well. People mean it well for you.

Don't end up hating yourself later because of it and how much more time you wasted on a man that couldn't give you what you needed, wanted, or desired in a relationship.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

APTX is right, you're giving yourself reasons to stay with him. (All the "pros" of being with him you could surely have with someone else, without the heartache.) But if those reasons are valid for you at the moment, then that's up to you. Just bear in mind you're hurting yourself and it's delaying your longterm future happiness. 

 

Please be careful with your mind and your emotions ... be kind to yourself.

 

Looby 

[MissPattch]

Thank you for this! I have been doing this as well... I go on walks...paint... get coffee with friends... whatever I can do to keep me from freaking out and obsessing. However, the emotions are still strong and painful. Especially when I think of the reality of it all. I like your idea of being physical as well. I plan on joining a hiking group and just throwing myself into other things that are going to give me great experiences outside of him. That way my entire world doesn't revolve around me sitting at home thinking about who he is fucking or seducing at the moment. 

 

One positive that I have learned from all of this is that I understand myself much better. And I will *never* put myself in a position like this again. I went in naively thinking I would be okay with it and got way in over my head. Monogamy is my preference and I won't get into any type of flirting/relationship with anyone again who is not willing to see only me. 

Im glad to hear that you feel you have learned something about yourself and how you want to be in the future, Im a big fan of personal growth and development, and always try to take something away with me from every experience, good or bad >.< If you feel like you could just you someone to talk to about anything, add me if you wish, im always up for a chat ^^  I hope things go in the right direction for you soon  

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

My reply likely is not going to be what you want to hear and may sound harsh, but I mean it coming from a place of sincerity and honesty. It isn't meant in a mean way.

 

Speaking for myself as a poly person (and only in my opinion), this  quote means you do not  belong with a poly person. It is really insulting, honestly. This man that you say is wonderful and the best ever came to you with honesty an about his sexuality and you put yourself in this situation knowing how monogamous you are. Yet, you lose respect for him in his honesty?!? 

We have tried both ways and when I knew details about things, it made me instantly lose respect and trust in him. 

 

He is literally doing everything he can to make this situation okay for you. He has involved you, he has tried working with you. When so many other people choose lie and cheat behind their significant others backs because they know their partner(s) can't handle the reality that they need more. They claim to do it for their partner's sake and they might or might not be doing it for those reasons, but that isn't the issue right now. Here you have a man that was honest from the beginning which makes it not cheating. You have a Daddy that is telling you he needs this for his own happiness, but he is committed to you emotionally and you are his choice above all others. There should be no loss of respect or trust. Trust comes with believing in the honesty and reliability of a person. He hasn't done any thing (in this sexual agreement) to make you trust him less except that he doesn't fit your definition of perfection (by choosing to be monogamous for you). This isn't a fair circumstance. 

 

Please understand that I am not bashing you. But, I don't agree with some of what you are saying. I also don't agree with everything he is doing either. It isn't right that he told you you don't really love him if you can't be friends with him after you break up. Maybe that is one of the driving forces in your staying with him now? You and he need to sit down and have a grown up conversation about that. That is his perspective and an honest one. It might sound lovey dovey to some but it is also comes off as manipulative and you shouldn't stay for that reason. If you are going to need time away from him after you break up then he should respect and care for you enough to give you that. On the other hand if, as you have stated, won't be able to see him happy and won't be able to talk to him at all then tell him that. He might not like it, but tough cookies and crusty noodles. It doesn't seem that either of you will be able to walk away unharmed. I can tell you that hanging onto him now isn't going to build up any grand memories that will suddenly make letting him go easier. In fact, by your statements of pro vs cons and waiting for the cons to out weight the positive points that really doesn't instill any type of hope for a happy ending. Even a less happy ending because you are stating you know you will eventually leave, but how tattered will your relationship and friendship be by the time that happens if your are waiting around for your views of the situation to sour???

 

One other thing on my part, I do not understand why people want to play out a situation until there is hardly anything good left? This hurts you more. It leaves more mental and emotional scars. Better you be the one that got away and he/she still loves than to be the spiteful so and so that they wished they left earlier.

 

So, you guys may have seen my post about my relationship with my DD. Well, to give a brief overview... he is single while I am monogamous to him. He does not have romantic relationships with other girls, only me. However, he does have sex with the other girls. I am the only girl who has any commitment from him and he says that if its a choice between me and one of the girls, it's always me. However, he has no plans on dating me and states clearly he won't. Unfortunately I am madly in love with this man.

 

Now... I am extremely monogamous. So this is wildly difficult for me, but I see the value in this relationship at this point in my life so I want to try my best to make it work.

 

My question: What are ways I can accept the jealousy and control my emotions when I suspect/know he is with the other girls? 

 

 

Wish me luck, y'all.   

 

(P.S. I know people will say to walk away. I am sure I will eventually or he will end it. At this point in time, I want to learn to *accept* what he is offering me and not expect more.)

 

Now on to the advice. I am only giving my own perspective as a poly person myself. 

 

Advice#1: You can keep your standards of monogamy, but there is no hope of acceptance if you can't come to terms with the fact that poly (done the right way) does not mean he is cheating. I'm not really sure how you will manage this. I'm not even suggesting you do change your views. I am only saying if you can't admit that part to yourself, even grudgingly then I doubt you will be successful in accepting your arrangement this guy.

 

Advice #2: You do not accept reality by creating and alternate universe, so you can ignore what is happening. That is called denial and doesn't solve anything. It just blocks it from your brain so you can stop the trauma that is happening. However, it is an option many people choose. I caution you on this because using denial to cope can bleed into many other parts of your life. If you choose to go this route and decide to talk to others about your situation, remember not to make him the villain (you are after all choosing to remain in this situation). There are tons of hobbies you can get into! I suggest picking ones that involve making friends - if you pick up one that you do on your own it could lead to obsessive behaviors, like constantly buying things, and obsessive cleaning, for examples.

 

Advice #2: I have many insecurities, but they aren't in comparing myself with others when it comes to poly relationships. You need to work on your self esteem. You are wonderful and you are enough. This isn't based on whether he chooses you over other woman, that would be a silly reason to think your better and a very fragile pedestal to stand on. You are wonderful because you are you and you don't need to compare yourself to others. Make a mantra of that. I am enough. Name what you love about yourself, what others can love and appreciate about you. I know for sure that on your list you should put that you are loyal and try to me open minded! Being proud of yourself and believing you are worthy does not mean you are conceited. We all need to work on self love.    

 

Advice #3: With your Daddy you have to come to accept that multiple loves/desires can happen.  It isn't going to be about proclaiming you are the best or you are his one and only, like in monogamy. Maybe you can dig deeper and try to get him to talk more about why he feels the way he does about dating. I'm really curious what you are doing if he  says you aren't dating! Are you just friends with benefits and he just happens to be your Daddy too? Are you just calling him your Daddy (this happens a lot)? What is his definition of dating? Does his not dating affect your ddlg relationship in some ways? Possibly find out what he thinks is wrong with dating? All these question, if you haven't asked and gotten in depth answer might really surprise you. For myself, I am poly because I feel like I'm not enough.  such a contradiction of what I said earlier right? It really isn't. I need alone time and I want my (future) partner to have another person to go to unless he/she is totally okay with me being gone for a few days or alone for 2 weeks. But, I also like closed poly relationship, so I understand you not being okay with him just going around sleeping with random women. Speaking of that, how do you protect yourself from possible std's? That maybe another to add to your list of cons, you could get something you didn't bargain for even if you do use condoms. Just because it hasn't happened doesn't mean it can't happen in the near future. 

 

Any how, sorry for the long reply. I wish you the very best of luck. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by Batty

[EvieTheOne]

This is a hard situation that makes you unhappy... don't be unhappy, my dear. Give yourself permission to be as happy as you can be. No list needed, just loving yourself and validating yourself all the way. Your needs, your desires, your journey are as important as anyone else's. Sometimes people are not compatible, and it doesn't have to be a tragedy..think of a Daddy who only wants you, who's not interested, not swayed, not giving in to temptation.. incidentally that's so hot! and think about how you'd feel as his baby girl! Doesn't it make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? That's your inner voice, your gut instinct talking to you...trust and listen and let him go so that the one who's looking for YOU can find you and his way to your heart. I feel for you, because I've been in a similar situation, except I wasn't told anything..I had to find out after long months and crushing on him hard. But it's ok..once this heartache clears up, you'll never accept less than your lovely and loveable self deserves. I root for you, my dear, I root for all of us. ❤️