HELP! My parents found my little gear..

[Scuttlebug]

In an argument yesterday my mum told me she found my pacis, collars and onesie a few days ago. She said she was tidying up my room because we were having guests over and told me she was sorting the wires out underneath my desk, however firstly she has NEVER sorted the wires out, secondly I have a wire shelf that holds all of my wires and thirdly I hide my little stuff in my pc cupboard that is attached to my desk and there was no need to go into that cupboard as there is only one separate wire that goes into it. To make the situation worse (trying to keep it PG but it's important) I hide my vibrator in the same cupboard because it's a place I never thought my parents would look, I do not associate my little side with sexual things though and I don't use the vibrator whilst in little space.

I use my little side to help cope with anxiety, however when I tried to explain this my mum she screamed in my face, told me it was all bullsh*t and refused to listen. She further started screaming that I must be taking pictures of myself in these items, that I'm being groomed by someone online to do this and that it's really disgusting and she was sick when she saw the items, basically accusing me of being sexual with it.

I asked why she never said anything and she said it was to respect my privacy, but if she really did respect my privacy she wouldn't even mention this as our argument had absolutely nothing to do with it and I have a feeling she told my dad. I find this really toxic because I feel like she said it to try and shut me up during the argument as a sort of one up tactic. I then said it's none of her business and I use it as a coping mechanism, she replied again with it's bullsh*t and it isn't a coping mechanism/form of therapy.

My anxiety is through the roof about what's going to happen when she gets back from a trip. I don't know what to say to her because I know she'll never understand it.

I did ask if this meant I'll get my phone taken away when she gets back, she said no but she likes to try and backtrack on what she says so I don't think she's telling the truth.

I'm so embarrassed because now everyone in my house knows about it.

 

Any advice I really need it

[Guest Kitten1144]

oh honey.... it'll be okay. Do anything you can to take care of yourself and your little self. It's hard to ignore and to not argue but what I do is ignore the hell out of them. Silent treatment usually works. Continue to ignore them or get professional help. After awhile, they will realize that they are in the wrong. wheather its in two minutes, or 20 years. It's hard. Also, try to educate them. Leave them little pamphlets about why you do it and how it makes you feel. Tell them about your feelings and why this is safe for you. 

[SmolAetherr]

yikes.. your mother didnt handle that well at all

 

you should consider sitting down with your mother and having a grown up chat about it, parents can be over protective and jump to all sorts of conclusions in the moment so what matters is getting her to understand after the emotions level out

 

you should look for some articles and websites you can show her to explain what you do and why, tell her what it means for you

then ask politely if she would stay out of your things from now on, if your mother uses the "you live under my roof so everything it mine and you follow my rules" line

 

you should consider an exit strategy, you cannot take back the fact that your mother knows and that is something she will need to accept

but if your mother is going to use this to fabricate some story and over react

 

well lets just say if i was caught if my parents didnt drop it and move on after me proving i was safe and happy

i'd be moving out

[SmolAetherr]

oh honey.... it'll be okay. Do anything you can to take care of yourself and your little self. It's hard to ignore and to not argue but what I do is ignore the hell out of them. Silent treatment usually works. Continue to ignore them or get professional help. After awhile, they will realize that they are in the wrong. wheather its in two minutes, or 20 years. It's hard. Also, try to educate them. Leave them little pamphlets about why you do it and how it makes you feel. Tell them about your feelings and why this is safe for you. 

the way i see it, ignoring the mother is not going to work here, if op lives with parent then ignoring them is not feasible

op needs to clear the air about this if it was a stranger or a friend it would be possible to say "mind your own buisness" but op is living at homes and their profiles say 18 years old

 

put yourself in the mother's position and assume the mom has no clue what ddlg is and just assumes it was all some strange and possibly dangerous thing your kid was doing, you might have fucked up by shouting at your kid but your kid is now giving you the silent treatment, if it was me and i was worried for their safety and i just wanted to understand, being ignored wouldnt be taken well.

Edited January 3, 2020 by Aetherr

[Guest Kitten1144]

the way i see it, ignoring the mother is not going to work here, if op lives with parent then ignoring them is not feasible

op needs to clear the air about this if it was a stranger or a friend it would be possible to say "mind your own buisness" but op is living at homes and their profiles say 18 years old

 

put yourself in the mother's position and assume the mom has no clue what ddlg is and just assumes it was all some strange and possibly dangerous thing your kid was doing, you might have fucked up by shouting at your kid but your kid is now giving you the silent treatment, if it was me and i was worried for their safety and i just wanted to understand, being ignored wouldnt be taken well.

i suppose that IS true. All im saying is it might be best to cool things off, a watched pot never boils, so it'll be good to just let her sit with her thoughts.... just try to take care of yourself, that's important

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

I'm with Aetherr, his advice is good advice. One is don't be ashamed of some thing you were not doing wrong.

 

 

Also let her know you are old enough for sexual experiences and that discovering sexuality is a part of growing up. If she gets into a huff ask her when she started. I'm sure she may try to get around this, the fact is that whether she answers or not she is approaching you about an adult topic and should be ready to sit down and have a real talk with you. More so if she skipped by it when you were younger. If she can't be honest and upfront without yelling and screaming I would honestly tell her *she* isn't ready to discuss it yet.

 

I'm thinking her reaction is fear based, she either went online and checked for porn immediately or she asked a friend or family member. She may have experience that went wrong for her. The point being she doesn't know enough or tell her that her assumptions are corrupting some thing that you do in an innocent manner. Again try explaining it as coping and toss in some thing normal you may do that is also coping. Nothing that will take the topic off track.

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

As for your cabinet, if she didn't take your little gear and vibrator then buy a childproof magnet lock and install it. It has a little latch that can only be opened with a magnet "key" that you can keep in your purse or pocket when you leave out the room. She was totally snooping. Why does her guest need access to your bedroom and computer cabinet. I would ask that too, but that is confrontational and won't help you out. If you have a job you can buy your own cell phone and use a cheap service that doesn't require a binding contract ex. Cricket phone service.

 

Besides that you might also point out that you are hurt and disappointed that she jumped to conclusions about (saying you're giving out photos online, being groomed, etc) instead of asking you about it. This may be unhelpful advice as well, but if she was doing it from a place of parental worry it doesn't sound that way.

[MarshmallowPeep]

This sort of reaction is common from people who are not in the lifestyle from what I've seen. They don't understand and assume their own version of the worst scenario possible, and considering that this is your parent here, then the reaction put up a notch because a parent tries to be protective of their kid. I am 20 years old, have been living away for 2 years and I'm mostly independent from my parents, but they will still speak up (at times aggressively) when they think I might be exposed to something negative or dangerous.

 

The reaction from your mum is typical and honestly, expected to a degree. I personally think bringing it up to her by yourself (without her engaging the conversation) wouldn't be wise. From what I understood in your post, she might not want to listen even when she calms down, because she has an "idea" of what you're doing so deeply ingrained in her mind. You do not need any more arguments and the additional stress on top of what just happened. Know that what you do within the four walls your room is your privacy, your own thing, a part of your own life, and it will stay that way when you move out.
Your mother cannot stop you and cannot control it, and you shouldn't give her the chance to. Try and ignore her fit, mediate and take care of yourself, and know this is your life and the things that will matter in the long term will be the things you do to make yourself happy.

[AsleepAndDreaming]

Hello Scuttlebug  ,

 

I suspect your mother's probably in shock, for a couple of reasons. Firstly she probably thinks of you as her little girl and the thought of you having anything "sexual" or "kinky" in your room has maybe not occurred to her. And also because she has seen things she didn't expect to see, things she didn't understand and that is what made her reaction so defensive. And verbally attacking you is defensive because she is trying to protect her position and her image of you as still being her child. 

 

So initially the most important thing you can do is give it time. You're not about to ditch the items she found so there's no hurry is there, especially if trying to talk to her about it is going to inflame the situation. So personally I wouldn't mention it for the time being, there's nothing to be gained. She didn't mention it in the first place, not because of any desire to respect your privacy as she said but probably because she knew she shouldn't have been going through stuff in your room or because she had no clue what to say to you. Something has been said in that argument with her that made her lose her control. In fact, if she didn't confront you immediately I wouldn't be surprised if she never mentions it again. 

 

But ultimately if you do want to talk to her about it, pick your moment and be prepared. Make sure you try to slowly rebuild some sort of relationship first and make sure you have some evidence to back up your understanding about your feelings, show her evidence from the internet about what DD/lg is and make sure you have examples of how being little relieves your anxiety - tell her about specific occasions when it's helped. I've not checked but I would think there's also information available on the internet about how going into little space relieves stress and anxiety, even if it's just personal experiences - there certainly is about colouring because my little was suffering and found colouring helped - so she researched it and found there was scientific evidence to support her theory. 

 

If she won't listen there's not much you can do but accept that - it's her problem not yours because her mind is closed. Just make sure that when you speak to her you keep calm and keep rational and explain and give evidence to support your explanation. Don't get into a shouting match because then you're not in control - there's a saying in the UK - kill her with kindness - it means if you keep calm and keep smiling and keep being nice, then it's much harder for the other person to be angry with you. 

 

Good luck and let us know how you go