My Father (TW)

[Little Writer]

When I first started school in kindergarten, I was never around children my age besides me little brother and It was a huge culture shock. I've always been too energetic for school all my life and nothing shows that more then elementary before I was basically punished into submission. I was spanked every day I came home because my teacher told my father that he should either put me on meds or spank me everyday. He does NOT believe in ADHD or ADD... So his choice was obvious. This teacher was basically from Hell to little kid me. Everyday I'd go to school full of energy, wanted to play. School was so boring and I was ahead all the other children due to my wonderful grandmother. This didn't matter to my teacher. She even went as ar as framing me for cutting my hair with scissors even though that hair was obviously a lot browner when compared to my auburn hair. Due to other familial issues I was never allowed to be a child. I was stuck in my room everyday and I had no friends. So yes I think this contributed to me becoming a little in times of stress and anxiety because my stuffed animals became my friends. Soon ever single one had a personality and a name. Of course things changed as I got older. I was so embarrassed to rely to much on toys and things. I'm just now getting over my anxiety and adding more childish stuff to myself and how I represent myself. Of course this was just my experience and my father did stop spanking me after I reached 4-5th grade but by that point the damage was done. There's a lot more to that and all. There's still some mental abuse and he did beat me and my brother once. But when I was little if I so much as looked at someone wrong I'd get in trouble and spanked. I have essentially became scared of all authority now, yet I want structure. I just want someone to love and take care of me.  Anyway I know this is all over the place with thoughts and things but my mind is constantly going 500 miles an hour and I just spill my thoughts out like a constant gush of words. Also, I find it funny after all this I still feel bad for doing things to make my dad mad. To this day I find myself blaming everything on me. I'm better now, but I still tear up when being yelled at or when I lay in bed at night and think. There are things that, yeah, could have been somewhat better if I didn't try to talk back, to explain what I thought. That reminds me about how I refused to think my own thoughts for awhile and basically became a doll, saying and doing the things needed and required.

 

I didn't really know where to put this and I figured I could but down my experience with my father.

[MasterPhotog]

New but Curious, 
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your own father and the teacher. It's sad that among others, those are two people, who should have been more understanding, caring and nurturing to you. 
I know you will find many understanding and caring people here, however you're welcome to let me know if I can be of any help, even though I'm many miles away from where you're. 
Continue to be strong and continue to take good care of yourself. 
MP

[Little Writer]

Thank you that means a lot.

[Vmaxxx]

I really gets mad when i hear such stories. I can understand as I have been through such emotional torture. Just be strong and things will get better. Alot of good peeps around here to talk and help . So don't hesitate to make new friends.

[Little Writer]

It's hard to make new friends sometimes because I don't want to mess up or let my temper get ahead of me. The one thing I got from him was my temper, though I've gotten better at holding it back.

[LittleRosiePosie]

I grew up in a somewhat similar circumstance. I was advanced for my age (probably because I chose books instead of friends, lol) and had issues with teachers not having the patience for me when I was young and figuring out the world. My father was military and thus often away, and when he was home he was a nasty drunk. He verbally abused me on a near daily basis for a number of years and drove me into a really dark place... but I do remember feeling terribly guilty for talking back or instigating whatever rage he spewed back at me. I also believe that the abuse I experienced plays a big part in why I'm a little today. I'd give you a million hugs if I could and if you need them, and I hope you're doing better now ♡

[Little Writer]

Awe I'm so sorry and I'm also in awe of how similar that is (besides my dad being the the military and drunk). I'm send you a million hugs mentally right now. I hope everything is better now, and if it's not, that it gets so in the future. 

[Guest babyneko_kate]

I know that feeling as well. My father didn't like me wearing girly stuff or anything cute in particular. He made me wear boy clothes and cuts all my hair. He never lets me act like a kid. He took away all my toys when I was 5 and made me remember all the medical names of the human body parts. He doesn't let me hang out with other people, beats me when i got low marks or had bad result in competition. When I was kid, I didn't even have friends i could chat to because the other kids are afraid of my father. He often verbally abuse me to the point I just lost confident  and interest. There was once I had thoughts of self harm. It wasn't til I found ddlg that i felt normal again. Hopefully you felt the same too and doing better now