Advice for A not-so-daddy Daddy?

[Condevirous]

I tried doing a little bit of research before coming here but came up dry, so I guess this is a rather desperate attempt to understand things.

 

To try and keep things short and to the point, I've been in a relationship with my gf for over 6 years now. We're both young (21) but over the past year or so she's unlocked her inner Little. To this point, I am slightly shorter than her and she's also much stronger physically (I have tiny geeky nerd physique). I rarely, if ever, feel comfortable being in a 'Daddy' role. It makes me slightly uncomfortable whenever she gets into mindsets where she is Little.

 

She tells me it's okay that I can't be her 'Daddy' but I feel bad because it constantly makes her feel the need to ignore and suppress her Little. I've found that I do enjoy things like helping her manage her schedule for college or making her take care of herself (hygiene, food, etc.) but when it comes down to setting strict rules outside of that, or trying to unlock my 'Daddy' side in bed, it just doesn't work.

 

I'm a naturally submissive person with rare tendencies to be a switch, especially in bed. I've even shown interest in the MDLB (I think that's the right acronym) side of things without feeling as though I have a 'Little' side myself (ie I'm not into coloring books and daily rules and whatnot).

 

She's shown interest in playing 'Mommy' at times, or occasionally even a more assertive and dominant Little, but for some reason the Little aspect always makes something inside of me feel all nerve-wracked and insecure. I don't feel like a Daddy, probably because of my small physique (though I understand that Daddies can be any size).

 

Is there any advice on what to do? I want to be a good boyfriend but I don't want to be pushing myself to feel so uneasy and uncomfortable to the point of tears.

[Guest Relentlessoptimist]

It doesnt matter if she is physically stronger, because a lot of d/s is mental.

 

That being said, its slightly harder that you are her daddy when you dont like it and it makes you nervous.

 

So, choice A is to embrace your daddy side and potentially learn from someone with more experience to guide you.

 

Maybe that means embracing the inner dominant side inside you (as you've been a little bit of a switch) or even reframing things in your mind (depending on what the reason is that being a dominant makes you uncomfortable.)

 

Choice b is just not to be a daddy, and maybe she will be okay with it. And maybe she will not be. That has to be a negotiation between the 2 of you. Also, her being a little doesnt have to be sexual but can be, or she can be a little and you dont have to be a full daddy for her to enjoy herself.

 

Option 3 is, if both of you are unhappy and cannot work through things because both of you are mainly submissive, either she gets some version of that need met somewhere else, or you both get a daddy/mommy as a couple. Its possible is all I'm saying.

 

Theres multiple things you can do. They require good communication between both of you. They require that both of your wants and needs are met and negotiated. Maybe some things you or she can live without. Maybe some things you cant. You have to talk and explore, and change things up to see if they work or when they wont work. And the first step is just asking questions, either of her or of us. There are many wonderful people here who can give suggestions or guide you. Great resources online. And a big part of being here is embracing who you are deep down and not pretending to be something you are not. And that includes growing as a person by discovering who you are and building the kind of life you want. So be kind to yourself. You are a good person. And also sometimes here people feel this cognitive dissonance, between who they are, and who they thought they should be. Figuring that out alone is a huge step. You got this and all the support you could ask for. Do you have questions for us??

[Condevirous]

It doesnt matter if she is physically stronger, because a lot of d/s is mental.

 

That being said, its slightly harder that you are her daddy when you dont like it and it makes you nervous.

 

So, choice A is to embrace your daddy side and potentially learn from someone with more experience to guide you.

 

Maybe that means embracing the inner dominant side inside you (as you've been a little bit of a switch) or even reframing things in your mind (depending on what the reason is that being a dominant makes you uncomfortable.)

 

Choice b is just not to be a daddy, and maybe she will be okay with it. And maybe she will not be. That has to be a negotiation between the 2 of you. Also, her being a little doesnt have to be sexual but can be, or she can be a little and you dont have to be a full daddy for her to enjoy herself.

 

Option 3 is, if both of you are unhappy and cannot work through things because both of you are mainly submissive, either she gets some version of that need met somewhere else, or you both get a daddy/mommy as a couple. Its possible is all I'm saying.

 

Theres multiple things you can do. They require good communication between both of you. They require that both of your wants and needs are met and negotiated. Maybe some things you or she can live without. Maybe some things you cant. You have to talk and explore, and change things up to see if they work or when they wont work. And the first step is just asking questions, either of her or of us. There are many wonderful people here who can give suggestions or guide you. Great resources online. And a big part of being here is embracing who you are deep down and not pretending to be something you are not. And that includes growing as a person by discovering who you are and building the kind of life you want. So be kind to yourself. You are a good person. And also sometimes here people feel this cognitive dissonance, between who they are, and who they thought they should be. Figuring that out alone is a huge step. You got this and all the support you could ask for. Do you have questions for us??

 

Thanks for replying!

 

I think a lot of my anxiety comes from my "lack of stereotypical masculinity". At least that's what I've come to understand. I know on the outside that things like that don't matter, especially since it's all mental, but I guess it's a little bit harder to change a part of my mind that's been focused on that for so long. (I'm getting better with age!)

 

I've located that one of the main issues is the actual term itself, since it has a lot of that masculine ideology behind it, so I've been on the search for other terms for almost a year now (recently considering Count, Sir, or Doctor). The thread for different names helped me with that one.

 

I don't think option 3 is one for us, since we're both naturally jealous people (I don't even like when she tells her friends that she loves them even though that's just because of the different ways we were raised and how we each handle affections). I'll probably be focusing on smaller aspects of being a dominant figure, like helping her schedules and potentially having some play in bed. We've talked about what makes me uncomfortable and she seems to be pretty okay with it. I think I'll probably be attempting to work a little bit into it slowly but surely, as the whole idea of it still makes me anxious. Hopefully I can figure out a way to get more comfortable with that dominant side of me - I know it's there, it just doesn't come out very often.

 

Do you think perhaps it is that idea of a 'Little' inside me could feel insecure when I see my gf wanting to color and play with stuffed animals? I've never portrayed such a character outwardly myself, but I do often find myself taking comfort in feeling small around her, even enjoying nicknames like 'Little Boy' or 'Little Prince'. Maybe that has something to do with why I feel so insecure upon seeing her fall back into these child-like mannerisms?

[LittleTeacup]

It's great you want to please your girlfriend, but forcing yourself to fit into a box that's unnatural to you isn't the way to do it. There are many different ways to be a "daddy" besides the stereotype. First, you're not required to be dominant. You could be the so-called "soft daddy" more interested in cuddles and spoiling your little than rules and punishments. If you haven't been particularly dominant in your relationship up to now, your gf is probably either fine with it or even prefers it. Don't think for a minute all littles need or want dominant partners.

 

Also, maybe the daddy role just isn't for you, and that's ok. Your gf says she's cool with that and you have to trust her. There are other options. You could be her "big teddy bear", "knight in shining armor", "protector", etc.

 

You say you're not sure about being a little yourself because you don't like coloring or daily rules. If that's all that's stopping you, I'd reconsider. Those are merely stereotypes and don't reflect the beautiful variety of littles out there. Coloring is just one possible activity out of thousands littles may like. And rules, daily or not, are not required in a little/caregiver relationship. Some like them, others don't. Maybe you could be a little too. Nothing wrong with little/little relationships.

 

I have two main pieces of advice. One, read the "resources" section of this forum. That may help clear up some of your confusion over definitions. And two, discuss your concerns with your girlfriend! Only she can tell you what she wants from you. You can also hang out on this forum for a while (maybe invite your gf too!) and read posts by others or join the chats.

[Condevirous]

It's great you want to please your girlfriend, but forcing yourself to fit into a box that's unnatural to you isn't the way to do it. There are many different ways to be a "daddy" besides the stereotype. First, you're not required to be dominant. You could be the so-called "soft daddy" more interested in cuddles and spoiling your little than rules and punishments. If you haven't been particularly dominant in your relationship up to now, your gf is probably either fine with it or even prefers it. Don't think for a minute all littles need or want dominant partners.

 

Also, maybe the daddy role just isn't for you, and that's ok. Your gf says she's cool with that and you have to trust her. There are other options. You could be her "big teddy bear", "knight in shining armor", "protector", etc.

 

You say you're not sure about being a little yourself because you don't like coloring or daily rules. If that's all that's stopping you, I'd reconsider. Those are merely stereotypes and don't reflect the beautiful variety of littles out there. Coloring is just one possible activity out of thousands littles may like. And rules, daily or not, are not required in a little/caregiver relationship. Some like them, others don't. Maybe you could be a little too. Nothing wrong with little/little relationships.

 

I have two main pieces of advice. One, read the "resources" section of this forum. That may help clear up some of your confusion over definitions. And two, discuss your concerns with your girlfriend! Only she can tell you what she wants from you. You can also hang out on this forum for a while (maybe invite your gf too!) and read posts by others or join the chats.

 

That first portion actually makes a lot of sense and I'm glad you included it! It does seem that maybe a full-blown Daddy role isn't right for me, but I do find that perhaps I could be a 'Soft Daddy'? I like spoiling her and often times want her to never have to worry about things, especially if it's something I could make better.

 

I'm not sure any of the options you supplied would fit me too well, but I am exploring the different titles. You're right, I have to trust my gf.

 

I'm finding that I may identify more as a switch, but I've also read some things here about how difficult it can be with a Little/Little dynamic. I suppose it's just a matter of proper communication and trying my best. We have been open in our communication on the matter, and I did take a glance through the Resources section - of which I now have many tabs open to read about different things!

 

Thanks for the advice - and your quotes at the bottom of your post are really nice btw, made me tear up a little haha

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Some good advice/suggestions above

 

Firstly, it's hugely significant that you and your gf communicate openly already. That's a wonderful start!

 

Secondly, I think maybe her increasing awareness of her little side has possibly provoked something similar in you? If you're not entirely comfortable with it, that could explain why you're uncomfortable around her little side sometimes.  Exploration can be exciting but also scary/confusing. You're both exploring, and you won't always be at the same stage. You often won't be! And sometimes one of you might be excited, whilst the other one might be confused or scared.

 

So I'd recommend you continue to discuss everything with each other, but perhaps consider that some conversations might need to be postponed until the other person is ready, or even re-visited later when one or both of you has updates. It's always ok to say "I know we already spoke about this, but since then I've had other some other thoughts/changed my mind/need to ask you ..."

 

You're both developing and learning about yourselves and each other. This seems huge now because it's new, but ultimately DDlg might not even be a big part of your relationship. It might be that you continue to grow together. It might be you help each other grow and realise you don't have a future as partners.

I wish you all the best and hope that it's a positive experience for both of you, whatever happens.

 

Looby