Daddy Of 2 years looking for help

[Runescout]

Hi all, I'm a daddy to a wonderful little. I was hoping some of the more experienced caregiver could give me some advice. My little girl has been through several abusive relationships. 2 of her past relationships have been with Caregivers and they treated her poorly and used there position of power incorrectly. However she still wants me to be a dom in our relationship. When i do this, it brings back bad memories, and it quickly pulls her out of little space. Can anyone here guide me on how to be a dom but most importantly help my baby girl work through her problems. Thanks in advance.

 

[SmolAetherr]

truth is all you can do is listen to her needs respect her limits and be honest, honesty and communication

tell her how you feel

what being a dom means to you

how happy and proud you feel to have her to yourself

 

also how it feels when you are asked to be dominant only for her to become triggered by past events

 

then impress upon her to find some way to recover from it and be sure she knows you will be there for her every step of the way despite it being a thing she needs to do for herself by herself with your support being nice to have but not required

 

she needs to heal for her own benefit

for her own reasons

and because she wants to

 

all you can do is show her she is loved and accepted and wanted at every opportunity!

Edited December 11, 2019 by Aetherr

[Honeydadddy]

Hey Runescout,

 

I can empathize with the confusion you might be feeling right now. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful babygirl that survived a rather difficult childhood and a number of abusive relationships before we met 5 years ago. Here’s a few things from my own experience that might be useful. First, you’re likely already doing many things that work for your babygirl. You can recognize this by the level of honesty and disclosure that she has with you. She wouldn’t be so forthcoming about her past if she hadn’t already developed a certain level of trust in you. This says a lot about what you naturally do that works for her. Second, consider that there are already a number of things that you do that help her feel safe and secure. She may have many things that she needs to work through and your relationship might give her access to get to a place where she can work on some of these feelings that might be “deeper” for her. Those deeper feelings may come out sideways for quite some time as she heals. I’ve found that when my little has moments of bad memories that what she needs right then is to feel safe and connected. She doesn’t want to talk about the memory that she’s having she just wants me to be there and feel secure that nothing bad is going to happen. This might be different for your little one, but all this to say pay close attention to her needs at let her be the lead. Don’t feel like you have to fill the space with words. Often times being there is enough. Third, communicate!!! When she is in a good space for dialogue try to get as much information as you can from her as she learns about what works for her. She may not know yet, but keep asking her when the time is right and keep showing her with your actions that you are listening and want to provide the care and support she needs. Get kinda nerdy about understanding what works for her (recognize that this may take a lifetime:). Fourth, get radical about consent. Try to learn as much as you can about where her triggers are and get consent for anything that might be connected to them. Consent isn’t just about stuff in the bedroom, it’s about anything in the relationship, especially if there is any sort of power exchange. This builds trust and safety for her, but also creates an environment where she might be able to change the narrative that she’s has around certain experiences overtime. Lastly, take care of yourself!! You can’t heal her, only she can do that. Encourage her to seek therapy. Have good boundaries for yourself and make sure to do lots of self care when you need it.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Honeydadddy

[Runescout]

thank you so much for your advice, I think it will help a lot

[Honeydadddy]

...for sure, there’s a few articles and podcasts I referenced awhile back as I was seeking to make sense of my own situation as a DD in love with a little working to overcome her trauma. I can try to dig them up and send to you if you find yourself in need of more resources on the topic in the future — just ask. wishing you both well :-)

[MadelynVictoria]

Have you actually discussed what her triggers are? If she can tell you what they are, you can learn to avoid them so that she won't get triggered. Discussing what can help her feel better when she does get triggered and offering some care will help her, too. Taking care of yourself is also important. Make sure to take some time out for yourself to get your mind in a good place so that you're able to help her.