A lost Little

[Tarwin]

I’ve been finding myself a little lost and lonely the last three weeks.

 

Daddy, who would usually shower me with affection and attention has had a lot of grown up things he has had to deal with such as a twenty year marriage breakdown, moving out, shared care parenting arrangement so on so forth and I am struggling with being nudged further and further down his priority ladder.

 

Since moving out, his ex and him do more stuff together than they ever did when they were living together. In the weeks that he has their children, he has had her over his new place for dinner or they meet at a restaurant... sometimes 4/7 nights.

In fact, as I write this they are attending a party together.

 

I helped him move, I helped purchase new things as he couldn’t afford to furnish his new place, I clean his house every week, sometimes have dinner ready for him for when he gets home from work... but I’m kept a big secret and he hides from his ex when I am there.

Sometimes I do sneaky things and leave personal belongings around his house after cleaning so that his ex knows I’ve been there.

On the nights we do spend together, it is a continuous back and forth text session between them both. I’ve asked him to stop doing it as his attention should be with me and him enjoying our time together... sometimes it stops, sometimes it doesn’t.

 

Anyway....

My questions are,

Is this disrespectful on his part?

Am I expecting too much from him?

Is he having his cake & eating it?

 

I just don’t know how to feel.

[Little kaiya]

Well, nobody here can really answers those questions for you but we can certainly offer our own thoughts and experiences.

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) if my Wife or Daddy did what you've described I would feel VERY VERY disrespected, like a second class citizen and I would be SERIOUSLY upset. The behaviour you describe sounds like you're being taken for granted and best and honestly used at worst.

 

2) You're asking him not to keep you a secret and for him to be present and attentive when he's with you, that really doesn't sound like you're asking very much at all. Personally, my Wife, Daddy and I don't hide that we're in a relationship. We don't hide that we're polyamorous. I would NEVER, EVER keep someone I love a secret. Also, when I'm with my Wife or Daddy or both I'm WITH THEM. I'm not texting other people or ignoring the people I love.

 

3) It honestly sounds like he's not just having his cake and eating it too but rather that he's straight up using you to be honest. Trying looking at it objectively, if your best friend described what you described above what would you say to them? You clean his house, cook him dinner, help him buy things and what are you given in return . . . . You're hidden, kept a secret, given less and less attention and then ignored when you get scraps of his time . . . Doesn't really sound much like love to me.

 

Little kaiya

[Chiby]

My first thought about this is. If you are a secret for him then that is a big red flag.

 

He should be proud of having such a fantastic person as you in his life. And I think he is disrespectful to you and if he had you while being married ( without you both knowing and giving concent) this is of course nothing I know but if that was the case then he have been disrespectful to you both according to me.

 

Again this is just my personal view of it.

 

I hope it works out in the best way for you.

[Tarwin]

My first thought about this is. If you are a secret for him then that is a big red flag.

He should be proud of having such a fantastic person as you in his life. And I think he is disrespectful to you and if he had you while being married ( without you both knowing and giving concent) this is of course nothing I know but if that was the case then he have been disrespectful to you both according to me.

Again this is just my personal view of it.

I hope it works out in the best way for you.

We entered into a relationship whilst he still lived under the same roof as his ex, they had however lived separately under that roof for 3 years. He has just now taken the step of finding his own place.

She is not my biggest fan, hence the being kept a secret.

 

But I take in your feedback and fully understand what you have said.

 

Thank you.

[Tarwin]

T

Well, nobody here can really answers those questions for you but we can certainly offer our own thoughts and experiences.

To answer your questions:

1) if my Wife or Daddy did what you've described I would feel VERY VERY disrespected, like a second class citizen and I would be SERIOUSLY upset. The behaviour you describe sounds like you're being taken for granted and best and honestly used at worst.

2) You're asking him not to keep you a secret and for him to be present and attentive when he's with you, that really doesn't sound like you're asking very much at all. Personally, my Wife, Daddy and I don't hide that we're in a relationship. We don't hide that we're polyamorous. I would NEVER, EVER keep someone I love a secret. Also, when I'm with my Wife or Daddy or both I'm WITH THEM. I'm not texting other people or ignoring the people I love.

3) It honestly sounds like he's not just having his cake and eating it too but rather that he's straight up using you to be honest. Trying looking at it objectively, if your best friend described what you described above what would you say to them? You clean his house, cook him dinner, help him buy things and what are you given in return . . . . You're hidden, kept a secret, given less and less attention and then ignored when you get scraps of his time . . . Doesn't really sound much like love to me.

Little kaiya

Thank you for your honesty and I appreciate your response.

[Chiby]

It doesn't matter if she was or is your biggest fan or not. In my opinion he should have talked to her and tell her. This is how it is now. He didn't he just " ran away from the confrontation"

 

Sure it's a delicate matter when kids are involved. But it is possible to handle these kind of matters in a good way.

 

Once again I hope it works out for the best for you

[junebug0325]

Sounds like a huge red flag to me. I understand that maybe he has a lot going on in his life and that sometimes things in our lives accidentally take priority over our relationships, even though they shouldn't. Have you talked to your Daddy about this entire situation in detail? If so, what did he say?

 

How do you feel about them spending time together more than a couple nights a week? Have you told him?

 

 

 

 

Junebug xxx

[Tarwin]

Sounds like a huge red flag to me. I understand that maybe he has a lot going on in his life and that sometimes things in our lives accidentally take priority over our relationships, even though they shouldn't. Have you talked to your Daddy about this entire situation in detail? If so, what did he say?

 

How do you feel about them spending time together more than a couple nights a week? Have you told him?

 

 

 

 

Junebug xxx

Hi Junebug,

 

Yes, we got into a very heated argument last night because he was meant to be with me from 6:30 but sent me a text saying won’t be available until 7:30 and when 7:00 rolled around I got another text saying not until 8:15/8:30.

When I checked his location, he was at his ex’s house.

 

I hate it! He always tries to patch it up by saying he is doing it for the kids. This process of him moving out was meant to make it easier on our relationship but in the last three weeks we have never fought so much.

Oh, I forgot to mention in my original post that he also took her and the kids (on her week to have them) out to the movies.

 

He doesn’t understand my need for his attention too. All I’ve heard for twenty one days is that I’m meant to be helping him and not adding to his stress .

[Alaskan Daddy]

I am sorry for what is happening between you and your daddy. I do not agree with how you are treated by him. But from my experience there are only 2 things you can do. One is to wait it out and see if things change from an emotional distance. or just walk away knowing that things may never change. Your feelings are important. I know you know this but his minor children will and should always come first before you do. And his ex may be part of the picture for a long time. I feel you need to be selfish and protect your heart how ever you can other wise your feelings will be hurt time and time again. You should not allow your self to be used as an emotional pawn by him. If he really cares for you and your needs and desires he will create a boundary so that your time with him can be uninterrupted and he can give you 100% of his attention. Only you know if he can do this. As a man and a parent and from what you have posted I feel he is not ready to give you the commitment you deserve and desire. My advice is to you is to not to act with your heart and desire but with an unemotional reasoning and maybe take an emotional step back and not expect anything positive from your daddy for the time being. Make him re-earn your

love  and trust by his actions not his words. I know I rambled on. I hope their is something in my posting that will help you. Good luck

[Tarwin]

I am sorry for what is happening between you and your daddy. I do not agree with how you are treated by him. But from my experience there are only 2 things you can do. One is to wait it out and see if things change from an emotional distance. or just walk away knowing that things may never change. Your feelings are important. I know you know this but his minor children will and should always come first before you do. And his ex may be part of the picture for a long time. I feel you need to be selfish and protect your heart how ever you can other wise your feelings will be hurt time and time again. You should not allow your self to be used as an emotional pawn by him. If he really cares for you and your needs and desires he will create a boundary so that your time with him can be uninterrupted and he can give you 100% of his attention. Only you know if he can do this. As a man and a parent and from what you have posted I feel he is not ready to give you the commitment you deserve and desire. My advice is to you is to not to act with your heart and desire but with an unemotional reasoning and maybe take an emotional step back and not expect anything positive from your daddy for the time being. Make him re-earn your

love  and trust by his actions not his words. I know I rambled on. I hope their is something in my posting that will help you. Good luck

 

I have always been the one to enforce that his children should always be put first.

Truth be told, his kids and I have an amazing bond and they’re always asking Daddy when they can see me again.

 

As I write this reply, he is at his ex’s making dinner for her and the kids .

I know his heart is with the children and not her but it hurts.

They even had an argument about me this afternoon where she demanded to know what was going on between us and that if she finds out that there has been anything going on, she will kill herself.

She is very emotionally toxic.

 

I hear you loud and clear, 100%.

It’s taking that step back where I struggle.

 

Sometimes I think I’d prefer to suffer in silence than the thought of not having him at all.

It’s a viscous cycle.

 

I appreciate your valuable advice.

[baby_k]

This may be cold and blunt but maybe helps you to see the situation:

 

you are just the person he cheated his wife with.

 

It doesn't matter if they are separeated or anything if they have not agreed that they have already really broken up and it is fine to date others. As long as they have not had the convo where at least one of them tells that they are moving forward, it is cheating. And him hiding you and not being honest clearly indicated that he knows he is doing something wrong. ( Also, the explanation of "crazy wife", "will kill herself" is as old as time. You cannot know how they really are together. He may tell you that the wife is horrible c*unt but with her call the wife as her honey or whatever. )

 

And you just act as if you were the mistress who desparately tries to come between the couple by leaving your personal items there ( known trick to let the wife know you exist, and get the dude finally to choose between the two women he is fooling around with ).

 

Is this really the situation you want to be in? Is this really how you want to be treated instead of being one of the most important person there is for your partner? Do you want to have rel with person who cannot be totally honest and direct to someone who they should at least respect ( the wife but also will apply to you, now he is showing you how he acts in rels in general and taht doesn't change easily )?

 

Like yes, that is stressfull time for him and his kids should come first. Making nice friendly break up is not easy, and there is a lot of balancing. But I have the feeling that it is not al that is going on.....

 

Edit: typos.

Edited December 8, 2019 by baby_k

[Tarwin]

This may be cold and blunt but maybe helps you to see the situation:

 

you are just the person he cheated his wife with.

 

It doesn't matter if they are separeated or anything if they have not agreed that they have already really broken up and it is fine to date others. As long as they have not had the convo where at least one of them tells that they are moving forward, it is cheating. And him hiding you and not being honest clearly indicated that he knows he is doing something wrong. ( Also, the explanation of "crazy wife", "will kill herself" is as old as time. You cannot know how they really are together. He may tell you that the wife is horrible c*unt but with her call the wife as her honey or whatever. )

 

And you just act as if you were the mistress who desparately tries to come between the couple by leaving your personal items there ( known trick to let the wife know you exist, and get the dude finally to choose between the two women he is fooling around with ).

 

Is this really the situation you want to be in? Is this really how you want to be treated instead of being one of the most important person there is for your partner? Do you want to have rel with person who cannot be totally honest and direct to someone who they should at least respect ( the wife but also will apply to you, now he is showing you how he acts in rels in general and taht doesn't change easily )?

 

Like yes, that is stressfull time for him and his kids should come first. Making nice friendly break up is not easy, and there is a lot of balancing. But I have the feeling that it is not al that is going on.....

 

Edit: typos.

 

It makes no difference, but they weren’t actually married... very long term relationship.

 

Yes, they had the conversation that they no longer considered themselves a partnership 3 years ago.

They only cohabited for the children.

It was just me that she tried to place the stipulation of dating on.

 

And believe me, I’ve heard first hand how she can be and c*nt doesn’t even come close.

 

But, anywho...

I understand what you are saying though.

Thank you for your input.

[Guest Sunshinekitty]

Let me focus on the other side of the equation--I'll try to balance this so I'm not all SMAACK down.

 

Because the other people responding have definitely pointed out the very terrible downsides, and it wasn't until your latest post that I think I begin to see a bigger part of the picture.

 

If he's taking HER out to dinners, making HER food at her house, and she is saying manipulative things to him while they are in the process of fully separating...

 

Maybe what you're (and the rest of us can't see) is that he's being forced to be good to HER so that she doesn't try to take away access to their children.

 

I don't know how old their kids are, but if she's threatening suicide, it might even be that he is afraid for his kids' lives. He might be worried that she'll outright kidnap them. He might even be afraid that she'll turn them against him. People who aren't stable are capable of anything.

 

So having thrown that out there, IF (and only if) that's what is going on...you have two options. Stay with him and be kind to him in the moments that he's there with you. Because if she's texting him and you're the one giving him support, eventually things will get sorted out and courts will be involved and all he will remember is how you are his rock. And do the things he's asked about being secretive, hiding that you live there with him, and giving him a safe place to vent when he needs to.

 

OR

 

You sit him down for "the convo" of a lifetime. Telling him that it's not fair to anyone involved that he seems to have to focus on her even though they haven't been and aren't partners. Explaining how you care about his children (which is obv you do), and so you can't be part of what is going on until the dust is settled for everyone's sanity. And if you so choose, let him know you'll be waiting off to the sidelines for when the drama is done. Because it sounds like that is how you feel.

 

But.

 

Don't expect the situation to get easier or better or that you'll be the focus of his attention in this. You won't be. He can't. You got involved with someone who has a crazy ex and kids together. Drama is and always will be part of the equation as long as crazy ex is in the picture.

 

I'm sorry that there aren't any good ways to handle this. I hope like hell you can find happiness and peace despite how awful it is to be in love with someone and in a terrible situation. I wish the best for you and the kids. Good luck.

[junebug0325]

Let me focus on the other side of the equation--I'll try to balance this so I'm not all SMAACK down.

 

Because the other people responding have definitely pointed out the very terrible downsides, and it wasn't until your latest post that I think I begin to see a bigger part of the picture.

 

If he's taking HER out to dinners, making HER food at her house, and she is saying manipulative things to him while they are in the process of fully separating...

 

Maybe what you're (and the rest of us can't see) is that he's being forced to be good to HER so that she doesn't try to take away access to their children.

 

I don't know how old their kids are, but if she's threatening suicide, it might even be that he is afraid for his kids' lives. He might be worried that she'll outright kidnap them. He might even be afraid that she'll turn them against him. People who aren't stable are capable of anything.

 

So having thrown that out there, IF (and only if) that's what is going on...you have two options. Stay with him and be kind to him in the moments that he's there with you. Because if she's texting him and you're the one giving him support, eventually things will get sorted out and courts will be involved and all he will remember is how you are his rock. And do the things he's asked about being secretive, hiding that you live there with him, and giving him a safe place to vent when he needs to.

 

OR

 

You sit him down for "the convo" of a lifetime. Telling him that it's not fair to anyone involved that he seems to have to focus on her even though they haven't been and aren't partners. Explaining how you care about his children (which is obv you do), and so you can't be part of what is going on until the dust is settled for everyone's sanity. And if you so choose, let him know you'll be waiting off to the sidelines for when the drama is done. Because it sounds like that is how you feel.

 

But.

 

Don't expect the situation to get easier or better or that you'll be the focus of his attention in this. You won't be. He can't. You got involved with someone who has a crazy ex and kids together. Drama is and always will be part of the equation as long as crazy ex is in the picture.

 

I'm sorry that there aren't any good ways to handle this. I hope like hell you can find happiness and peace despite how awful it is to be in love with someone and in a terrible situation. I wish the best for you and the kids. Good luck.

 

Didn't even think of this and I can totally see this to be true. The fact that he is going through a rough situation, especially with a crazy ex, he will never be focused on you or your relationship. It isn't your fault and it's going to be hard for you to accept the fact, but if he hasn't given you the attention you need in the past 21 days, then he definitely isn't going to give it to you anytime soon. And, it's not fair to you to be treated this way. 

 

Eventually, you are going to have a very hard sit-down conversation with him to tell him this, and in my experience he is probably not going to accept the fact that he is being manipulated by her and that he has been treating you differently.

 

 

 

 

Junebug xxx

[Tarwin]

Let me focus on the other side of the equation--I'll try to balance this so I'm not all SMAACK down.

 

Because the other people responding have definitely pointed out the very terrible downsides, and it wasn't until your latest post that I think I begin to see a bigger part of the picture.

 

If he's taking HER out to dinners, making HER food at her house, and she is saying manipulative things to him while they are in the process of fully separating...

 

Maybe what you're (and the rest of us can't see) is that he's being forced to be good to HER so that she doesn't try to take away access to their children.

 

I don't know how old their kids are, but if she's threatening suicide, it might even be that he is afraid for his kids' lives. He might be worried that she'll outright kidnap them. He might even be afraid that she'll turn them against him. People who aren't stable are capable of anything.

 

So having thrown that out there, IF (and only if) that's what is going on...you have two options. Stay with him and be kind to him in the moments that he's there with you. Because if she's texting him and you're the one giving him support, eventually things will get sorted out and courts will be involved and all he will remember is how you are his rock. And do the things he's asked about being secretive, hiding that you live there with him, and giving him a safe place to vent when he needs to.

 

OR

 

You sit him down for "the convo" of a lifetime. Telling him that it's not fair to anyone involved that he seems to have to focus on her even though they haven't been and aren't partners. Explaining how you care about his children (which is obv you do), and so you can't be part of what is going on until the dust is settled for everyone's sanity. And if you so choose, let him know you'll be waiting off to the sidelines for when the drama is done. Because it sounds like that is how you feel.

 

But.

 

Don't expect the situation to get easier or better or that you'll be the focus of his attention in this. You won't be. He can't. You got involved with someone who has a crazy ex and kids together. Drama is and always will be part of the equation as long as crazy ex is in the picture.

 

I'm sorry that there aren't any good ways to handle this. I hope like hell you can find happiness and peace despite how awful it is to be in love with someone and in a terrible situation. I wish the best for you and the kids. Good luck.

Now that the steam from yesterday has settled.

 

I think this is the most logical and respected comment.

 

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

[xBabydollx]

4/7 days a week is a bit much. Idk if they are doing coparenting legally or not, but it's something to consider. There is no fear of "taking the kids away" when the parent is required to hand them over every weekend or maybe one parent gets the first 3 days of the week and the other parent gets the next 4 days etc. If she threatens her life or is generally unstable then that would work even more in his favor legally. Their arrangement is highly odd and suspicious. My parents didn't have a legal arrangement, but my dad would pick me up on the weekends or randomly stop by. And guess what? It'll be me, my dad, and his gf going to the movies. It'll be us 3 going out to eat. It'll be us 3 going to amusement parks and so on. My mother was never there to impose on his time (why? Because she wasn't hanging on to the thought of them as a couple or family). So all of their cute family time dates look very suspicious to me. They are playing house and mind as well move back in together. Likely, these are the family things they are used to doing and are simply keeping it up. This is not the way most separated ppl behave. He has a new life. him, u, and his kids. She needs to accept it, respect it, and get with the program. However, she will never get with the program if he doesn't put his foot down and give u the respect u deserve. It is not uncommon for a ex wife to dislike the new girl, but it is uncommon for her to not know her place. She should have no say over who he is with or who lives with him (as long as the kids are safe around them). Anything besides the kids should be none of her concern. She should not have that power over him, but she will if he allows her to have that level of control. If he won't put her in her place, then I doubt things will get better, unfortunately. There are many ways for coparenting to work without sacrificing ur relationship but it requires boundaries. Perhaps they should consider setting some up.

[Tarwin]

4/7 days a week is a bit much. Idk if they are doing coparenting legally or not, but it's something to consider. There is no fear of "taking the kids away" when the parent is required to hand them over every weekend or maybe one parent gets the first 3 days of the week and the other parent gets the next 4 days etc. If she threatens her life or is generally unstable then that would work even more in his favor legally. Their arrangement is highly odd and suspicious. My parents didn't have a legal arrangement, but my dad would pick me up on the weekends or randomly stop by. And guess what? It'll be me, my dad, and his gf going to the movies. It'll be us 3 going out to eat. It'll be us 3 going to amusement parks and so on. My mother was never there to impose on his time (why? Because she wasn't hanging on to the thought of them as a couple or family). So all of their cute family time dates look very suspicious to me. They are playing house and mind as well move back in together. Likely, these are the family things they are used to doing and are simply keeping it up. This is not the way most separated ppl behave. He has a new life. him, u, and his kids. She needs to accept it, respect it, and get with the program. However, she will never get with the program if he doesn't put his foot down and give u the respect u deserve. It is not uncommon for a ex wife to dislike the new girl, but it is uncommon for her to not know her place. She should have no say over who he is with or who lives with him (as long as the kids are safe around them). Anything besides the kids should be none of her concern. She should not have that power over him, but she will if he allows her to have that level of control. If he won't put her in her place, then I doubt things will get better, unfortunately. There are many ways for coparenting to work without sacrificing ur relationship but it requires boundaries. Perhaps they should consider setting some up.

Their current arrangement is week about, the children change over parents on a Saturday morning.

So 50/50 shared parenting agreement.

 

The activities that they now engage in, they very very rarely did when they lived together.

 

But anyway,

I’ve taken in advice given in this thread and I spoke with him about my concerns.

I told him the lies and half truths need to stop.