How do I stop being a little completely?

[Sarbear]

It has come to my attention that being little is leaving a negative imprint on my relationship with my girlfriend. she doesn't really know what to do when I go Little and treats me the same as when I'm not which is finw but leads to me quickly exiting little space since I tend to need someone with me when I have these moments. I love her so much we've bewn together for over two years which Isn't a lot but we plan so many more years together! She isn't a care taker and I don't want to force that on to her. But being little without havinf the ability to go into little space is so hard and frustrating sometimes. Not only that but a toll on my mental well-being. I don't want to make her cateer to my needs when while I'm in little space I Can't tend to hers. I believe full heartedly that you should never change who you are for someone else but I don't want to put that stress on her. She's so much to me and I don't want to look to someone else for my little needs. our relationship is non-sexual due to some things in the past. So we don't do anything like this in the bedroom it's purely Just when I Am feeling the need to just let loose. But This is all causing us both some issues. I don't like confrontation and so I think this is best for our relationahip. Some additional information I have spokwn to her a few times about the kind of guidance I would like as a little and I think she's just too confused to know what I mean. I truly think this is the best thing to do. I haven't been little in months and it is affecting me mentally and emotionally. I really just need it gone. Thank you for the time you took to read this.

[ForeverFluffy]

Hey. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I think maybe you need to talk to your girlfriend about your needs. By not talking to your partner, you're putting stress on yourself and your relationship. You say you don't wanna put stress on her, but you don't know that you being little stressed her out. You're not communicating your needs, your worries, or expectations.

 

I'm gonna say this with a lot of love. Little space isn't something you can just get rid of. It's a part of your personality. And if you try to change who you are, it's gonna lead to a lot of resentment towards yourself and your partner. It's not gonna help in the short or long run. I think this post comes from a place of desperation. You wanna do something so badly and you can't right now (regardless of whether or not it's because of communication problems) and it hurts. So you're trying to get rid of an integral part of yourself. But what you really need is a good talk with your girlfriend. Lay it all out. And figure out how to proceed together. Whether that means getting a platonic caregiver, your girlfriend experimenting with that role, or you finding a way to be little by yourself.

[Guest Prat]

Forever Fluffy is on point there, I'll +1 and add this.

 

The solution to your problem is simple in theory but extremely difficult in practice. Suppressing your little side hasn't been good for you and I believe it's safe to say you can't "get rid of" that part of yourself since you're still going little even after months of trying not to. And why should you in the first place?

Why should you cut out a part of yourself, literally cut off a healthy part which you made for yourself to be, in essence, a healthier and a happier and as a result of that a better person in order to try and preserve a relationship which is, as it is now, the very cause of your discomfort and troubles.

You are young, you're 18, the entirety of the rest of your life is ahead of you. You need to put yourself and your well being in first place when it comes to making decisions which will dictate YOUR future.

 

I believe that in order to overcome this problem you need to stop trying to change who YOU are in order to preserve the state of the relationship you are in. It will not work to your benefit even if you succeed in it simply because it will not be you who is in that relationship, only a part of you will be in that relationship and only that part of you will then be fulfilled by that relationship. The part of you which you would cut off and hide somewhere out of sight would linger and would be unfulfilled and hollow and in pain. You are, like all the rest of us, made of parts and all these parts that make you whole need to be fulfilled individually and as a whole for you to feel wholesome and satisfied. This is not something you can achieve by what you're trying to do right now.

 

This brings me all the way back to the start.

The solution to your problem is simple yet extremely hard. You have to stop trying to change yourself and start trying to change your relationship. You love your partner with all your heart, it is clear by the amount of suffering you're putting yourself through in order to try and keep them in your life. As Fluffy said, have a good long sit down with them and talk about it, communicate with them the best you can about the principle of the issues you're having in your relationship as it is now and the pain you feel as a result of that. Try and work something out. You said you dislike confrontation but it is wrong to think this way. This very confrontation IS the fuel which makes strong and healthy relationships, you both being able to confront each other is the result of your personalities clashing and is the sign that you both feel free being yourselves in the relationship. Again, try and work together towards you feeling comfortable being who you are in your relationship and your partner being comfortable as well, both with you and themselves. Whether it be by means of her being able to take care of your little side or someone else in a platonic or non platonic way being able to take care of your little side, but someone HAS to do it in your relationship because it's what YOU NEED. If that doesn't work then sadly I would say you have no other choice but to break it off.. I'm telling you this as someone with personal experience and I know it is the last thing you want to hear but I believe with all my soul that that is then what would be best for you and ultimately the both of you.

Life often has plans of its own, I'm sad to say but that is what it is, it has been and forever will be a fact that some things are not in our hands. As I've said you are young. 18 years young. What will happen?

 

I've said all I've meant to say and all I can do now is wish you good luck and tell you that even though this might end in a way which makes you feel immeasurable pain, if you've put yourself and your well being in first place on your priority list and you stay true to that and believe in it and stride forward toward the goal of being fulfilled in your entirety no matter where or who you're with, then it will have been for the best.

 

Again I wish you good luck and the best outcome.

Edited November 9, 2019 by Prat

[SmolAetherr]

fluffy is correct, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and also relationships involve compromise, you should consider showing her this post and explain to her how she makes you feel by refusing you this outlet.

 

i know its a tough conversation to have but we all need to do difficult things every now and then for ourselves or the ones closest to us, explore options like has been said above. ask her to experiment with the role or if she is little, to be little with you or ask her to consider letting you find a caregiver outside of then relationship, dont sacrifice or stifle a part of who you are.. nobody is worth that.

[Sarbear]

I was really surprised to see how quickly and how willing people were to help me it means a lot. I am going to have a sit down with my girlfriend and try to find something the works out for us both. I truly think allnof this was all a misscomunication between the two of us and she didn't understand what I was meaning when I tried explaing to her what I like during my little space. I want to be able to work this out with her because she deserves to know how I feel and know ways to help as well as I will get the oppertunity to find an outlet for this. thank you all very much. <3

[Guest Sunshinekitty]

I'm 44.

 

I suppressed my little side over the years, not knowing the damage that I was doing to myself while I pulled it back.

 

And wow, it slipped out. In big ways, little ways, all the ways. I never realized that's what was going on. I didn't realize that I even had a little side, I'd done such a thorough job of "changing myself."

 

I was wound so tightly that there wasn't a safe place to go.

 

When I discovered that I was missing my little side...I spent six months immersed. I want to point out that as far as "healthy" goes--it wasn't.  If I hadn't kept that side bottled up, it wouldn't have been so excessive.

 

And if you were wondering--no, the immersion wasn't a choice. It was a desperate need. My husband thought there was something VERY wrong. When I finally communicated to him what I'd discovered, I think he was relieved to discover I wasn't leaving or some other random out there middle-aged crisis.

 

He became my CG, and I think it's made our relationship better, stronger, happier.

 

And the other side of the coin is--he and I have been together since I was 16. We married just shy of my 19th birthday. And what I've learned in all that time is that it's nice to be with someone...BUT.

 

He was the reason that I locked up my little in the first place, something that he and I both regret. (Long story--and no he didn't ask me to stop.)

 

Deciding on a permanent relationship at 18 requires the kind of perseverance that I wouldn't suggest.

 

Being in a permanent relationship before anyone really knows themselves is something I'd never advise doing--and I didn't know who I was until I was 30. (Little stuff aside.) I'm still learning things about myself to this day.

 

 And before anyone here thinks I'm doing that old woman thing of being so wise--remember, that I wasn't. I learned, and I'm offering what I learned to be taken or left.

 

it's not possible to lose the little forever. And no one should give up a piece of themselves for anyone else on the planet without a lot of self-reflection. Sometimes, it just isn't worth it, no matter how much you love someone.