Lines of resistance

[DaddyJ]

I wanted to put a few words down on something that I keep forgetting and remembering. I thought I'd share here, as I'm feeling it today. Hopefully it might tickle some of you, even if it's a little jumbled or seems obvious/trivial. So -

 

Everyone grows up with some notion of an ideal relationship. This is shaped by specific lines drawn around the social environment we are raised in. Everyone struggles with the notion, some more than others, because it is an ideal, which means it doesn't exist in reality. The various kinds of relationship are spoken of in absolute terms, but we know these things drift, peoples attitudes and behaviour change over the generations.

 

Through some mixture of upbringing and temperament in our early years, we are given a few core ways of being and relating, which we carry and supplement throughout our lives. These core ways aren't the same for everyone, or to the same degree and can be more or less common in communities.

 

Some of these ways don't fit within socially approved lines, they are frowned on, suppressed, attacked. We often do the suppressing and attacking to ourselves, since we have internalised the social lines so well they barely wiggle, hidden within us.

 

Some of these ways are deemed pathological, which is to say 'unhealthy'. But there aren't many secure absolutes here. BDSM practices have often been deemed pathological. Only recently have some psychologists offered any other choice of label. Yet there is great nourishment which can only be found in these ways. And a certain peace in admitting and sharing these energies for those (who I suspect) carry them from their early years.

 

My desired way of relating and of being intimate is intense no doubt, but intense is a relative term and the scale is drawn by society.

 

Society dominates us in many ways through powerful often unnoticed, non-consensual forces, which could also be labelled pathological. In contrast there are those more explicitly consensual forms of relating, which can potentially expand the range of our personal relations.

 

The lines can be redrawn to admit more of ourselves and each other. BDSM practices are means of resistance.

 

[SpinSpinSugar]

While an interesting premise, I actually disagree with the idea that BDSM is in some way a rebellious yell against the status quo; my reasons are myriad. BDSM for all its kinks and quirks is still subject to the same norms and discriminatory biases as anything else. Take a good look at any tumblr blog or even on fetlife - BDSM is idealised to a large degree, and dd/lg isn't immune - in fact, it's more idealised than any other dynamic I've been a part of so far, which really caught me off guard at first. The ideal and preferable little should be young, petite, white and perfectly shaved. The Dominants (as was mentioned in chat last night) is usually wearing a suit, suggesting wealth and affluence, and also a white male. He'll be only pictured from the neck down (sorry!), with said young nubile naked white woman crouching at his feet with her head in his lap - his face is never seen, which allows him to be both anonymous and to let the male gaze picture itself in role, but the woman's face is usually fully visible - it wouldn't fit the fantasy if you couldn't picture her face gazing up adoringly in full view, and her full view suggests being fully subject to the male gaze, utterly prone and without the protection of anonymity.

 

You'd be hard pressed to find a glorified image showing a submissive Person of Colour, BBW, or disabled (unless highly sexualised - nothing 'innocently chaste' about the fetishisation, and it's not as desirable as one would think). You'd be hard-pressed to find images of anyone which doesn't suggest wealth, privilege, or prestige. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've seen one PoC little in any of the images I come across on Tumblr. No male littles either, come to that.

 

The one thing which does seem to be common in nearly every alternative lifestyle out there is the belief that said lifestyle is some form of Higher Calling, some greater truth which no one else but a select few have managed to tap into. However, to my mind at the end of the day, BDSM  is just a way to get our rocks off which is a bit different to anyone else. It's fun, fulfilling and for some people it is very important to their well being. But while it's sexy, loving, and that's quite important, it's still all it is. It's not a spiritual enlightenment for me, it's not the next age of Aquarius, and it baffles me a bit when people try to assign it to some form of elevated consciousness. But I've seen the same sort of thing in many subcultures I belong to. Perhaps it makes us all feel better, I don't know.

 

If BDSM were truly a form of resistance, I would hope it would perhaps do a bit more in smashing the status quo by not playing into the same traps of discrimination, gender bias, body/beauty standards and culturally 'successful' imagery which mainstream culture tends to suffer from. However, BDSM is just as prone to this as anything else.

[DaddyJ]

Hi SpinSpinSugar, I appreciate the response and the chance to discuss. I think what I'm writing is still a little jumbled.

 

I did not mean to suggest that BDSM or DDLG were some especially perfect practice, free of discrimination and stereotyped ideas. 

 

I also did not mean that we should do away with ideals (as if this was even possible). Ideals also have productive aspects, we circulate around them, we are drawn to them, because they are condensed symbols of our desires, they structure our desires.

 

I think we have to be vigilant in how these matters are discussed. The status quo point of view is so well internalised to our ways of thinking, even when trying to be critical of this viewpoint.

 

I've fallen into a good few of the DDLG tropes, as you fairly criticise. I accept they are a kind of trap - we use them to construct ourselves and project them on others. But how would the practice function without some signs, some conventions? As I said we are given a few core ways of being and relating. Some struggle more than others with fitting in somewhere. For me the DDLG dynamic makes an imperfect fit to those ways within me, closer than a 'conventional' relationship, not as close as my ideal (which doesn't exist in reality). I don't consider myself to be a special snowflake, or BDSM practitioners to be existing on some elevated plane of existence, but sure - there are self-satisfied people in all walks of life.

 

I think to say BDSM 'for all it's kinks and quirks' is to already judge it through a mainstream lens. Quirky being relative to some 'norm'. I also think it's about more than a way to 'get our rocks off', if only when considering the practice from a social point of view. To me it speaks to what we count as human, it's political not spiritual ('spiritual' in any case is a suspect term in my book). Some acts or ways of relating are encouraged and celebrated in larger society, others are discouraged or made criminal offences. (Plastic surgery, piercings etc are legal, some other consensual forms of 'bodily assault' are not - consent in criminal law as a social institution is inconsistent).

 

Last, I disagree that BDSM is 'subject to the same norms and discriminatory biases as anything else'. It is because it's a subculture that the norms and biases can shift a bit. I think the mainstream certainly intrudes, and I think it's hard to overestimate how powerful a force it is. The images you mention confirm the dominance of white, patriarchal, consumerist ideals in society. We tend to trade in things we expect will gain us social approval (within a specific community, in a specific time and place). The examples you pick of discrimination, gender bias, body standards, and what counts as success are certainly worthy accusations. Perhaps heavy enough to topple my attempt at describing BDSM as having some positive role of opposition. But your list doesn't exhaust the aspects involved, so we shouldn't dismiss practices all-out because they share these failings with other communities. I think alternatives to the mainstream are good to have. I think BDSM experiences can offer some particular ways of exploring of our identities, our ways of relating, if we are so disposed. Maybe the resistance I mention is mostly at the personal level, but what other level could it be?

 

I accept these ruminations may not be a priority for attention when engaged in passionate play!

[Guest Jennyanydots]

any subculture takes bits away from the culture that started it. Increasingly true as more and more people take interest in and begin adapting (in part or whole) the subculture. . . it is a SUBculture and not a new culture. BDSM in general may have begun as something more or less rebelious, but as it becomes more accepted (which most members of the community claim to desire) it also becomes more "normal". . .more mainstream. . .So we may think of ourselves as totally punk and say that our relationships are more meaningful or our connections are deeper because of BDSM, and maybe we are right! But if we are punks, the BDSM community in general is still a Hot Topic. . .The existence of a Hot Topic at your local mall doesn't mean that the goth/punk/whatever lifestyle is any less meaningful to you, but maybe it's a little less rebelious and meaningful to the general population. So, I guess what I'm saying is, if you are looking for meaning in BDSM, find it in your own relationships and in your own connections, and not in the community in general. Especially with that 50 Shades of Sociopathism trend that's going on. (Sorry if you love the book/movie, I take serious issue with it) Like it or hate it, BDSM is getting more attention than ever, which means that as a subculture it loses some power (of what? shock? rebellion? idk..), but that doesn't mean that personal relationships can't be more meaningful and the connections stronger because of BDSM. . .

 

that being said I think you both make some good points. . . we all do try to fit in to society because that's how we ensure our survival, but part of some of us (or most of us, or all of us) wants to break away. Kink does offer us an opportunity to break away from social expectations and it can be a huge relief in that. But maybe it is best that we attribute the release to our personal relationships and our partners willingness to accept the socially unacceptable bits of ourself and give credit to individual partners/relationships rather than to credit the kinky community as a whole - especially as more people are "testing it out" and playing around with bits of kink rather than fully taking time to understand the lifestyle and immerse in it. . ..jeez I don't even know if I'm making any sense! lol

 

I wonder. ..I think that perhaps, if BDSM were very main stream, the number of deep and meaningful relationships would not grow. People would still feel unfulfilled in their relationships and perhaps people would blame BDSM. But the truth is, it isn't about the BDSM so much as it is about both partners receiving what they need. That deep connection could be achieved in a vanilla relationship if that was what both partners really needed deep down. So I think it's about, yes recognizing that social ideals might not be what we really want deep down, but also finding a partner with whom those social ideals become irrelevant. So that the relationship - vanilla or kinky or whatever - becomes about the needs of the people involved in it rather than about what the neighbors are going to think. . . 

 

I don't think I'm even talking about what y'all were talking about now. . .but maybe it would be smart for all of us to consider the community as a (fallible) way to connect to people whos needs might match closely with our own, but not necessarily as a movement against the mainstream. . .subcultures have a way of being assimilated into cultures. . .nobody gives kandi kids a second look anymore, for example; and the once horribly rebelious practice of dying your hair unnatural colors is now a very mainstream and acceptable practice. . .

 

ok time to shut up now. take care.

[wolfdaddy]

While an interesting premise, I actually disagree with the idea that BDSM is in some way a rebellious yell against the status quo; my reasons are myriad. BDSM for all its kinks and quirks is still subject to the same norms and discriminatory biases as anything else. Take a good look at any tumblr blog or even on fetlife - BDSM is idealised to a large degree, and dd/lg isn't immune - in fact, it's more idealised than any other dynamic I've been a part of so far, which really caught me off guard at first. The ideal and preferable little should be young, petite, white and perfectly shaved. The Dominants (as was mentioned in chat last night) is usually wearing a suit, suggesting wealth and affluence, and also a white male. He'll be only pictured from the neck down (sorry!), with said young nubile naked white woman crouching at his feet with her head in his lap - his face is never seen, which allows him to be both anonymous and to let the male gaze picture itself in role, but the woman's face is usually fully visible - it wouldn't fit the fantasy if you couldn't picture her face gazing up adoringly in full view, and her full view suggests being fully subject to the male gaze, utterly prone and without the protection of anonymity.

 

You'd be hard pressed to find a glorified image showing a submissive Person of Colour, BBW, or disabled (unless highly sexualised - nothing 'innocently chaste' about the fetishisation, and it's not as desirable as one would think). You'd be hard-pressed to find images of anyone which doesn't suggest wealth, privilege, or prestige. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've seen one PoC little in any of the images I come across on Tumblr. No male littles either, come to that.

 

The one thing which does seem to be common in nearly every alternative lifestyle out there is the belief that said lifestyle is some form of Higher Calling, some greater truth which no one else but a select few have managed to tap into. However, to my mind at the end of the day, BDSM  is just a way to get our rocks off which is a bit different to anyone else. It's fun, fulfilling and for some people it is very important to their well being. But while it's sexy, loving, and that's quite important, it's still all it is. It's not a spiritual enlightenment for me, it's not the next age of Aquarius, and it baffles me a bit when people try to assign it to some form of elevated consciousness. But I've seen the same sort of thing in many subcultures I belong to. Perhaps it makes us all feel better, I don't know.

 

If BDSM were truly a form of resistance, I would hope it would perhaps do a bit more in smashing the status quo by not playing into the same traps of discrimination, gender bias, body/beauty standards and culturally 'successful' imagery which mainstream culture tends to suffer from. However, BDSM is just as prone to this as anything else.

 

What a wonderful provocation, SpinSpinSugar. Thank you for the very astute reply.

 

I've just joined here in the last hour, and I'm looking askance at the profile pic I selected You're quite right. I'm not so much wanting to rebut you in any way because I basically agree with your statements here. If kink isn't heteronormative, it often remains normative to, well let's call a spade a spade and call it patriarchy. Given the gender connotations in dd/lg and the power connotations I think it quite clear why it conforms to cultural scripts, and also why it attracts those who feel moved to hyper-conform to those cultural scripts.

 

Full disclosure: I was raised white, educated, affluent and feminist. As a young boy my parents made my brother and I wear gender neutral clothing and play with gender neutral toys etc. And I'm really grateful for that. As much as is possible for a white middle class privately educated boy I was encouraged to be socially conscious, and to be aware I carried an invisible knapsack a la:

 

https://www.deanza.edu/faculty/lewisjulie/White%20Priviledge%20Unpacking%20the%20Invisible%20Knapsack.pdf 

 

 

But yeah. For whatever reasons, and there are a myriad, I am still attracted to this politically-suspect dynamic. My profile pic? This isn't a kink costume for me. I am indeed a moneyed, educated, professional white male who wears a bespoke suit and cuff-links to work. I carry a white male gaze, and generally in my life I try not to make nonconsenting people objects to that. If I cannot undo my own privilege, I can be aware of how deeply problematic it is for so many others and try to advocate against that with the power I have been given. I can be aware of the fact that, through no virtue of my own, I was allowed to play life on easy mode, was given access to ideas and confidences and opportunities etc etc etc both attitudinal and physical.

 

But here's the thing - in me there is a shadow self that can't be denied. That I do not wish to deny. There is a part of me that hungers for masculine power over a feminine body. That is attracted to vulnerability, to littleness in a partner. For whatever reason, this is a part of me that is as core to me as any other. And I am at the point where I'm not ashamed of who I am and what I am attracted to. 

 

I take your point that BDSM is a site that contains the potential to challenge cultural norms. But, you know, so is the supermarket. For me, my sexuality is one part of my life where I can slip out of my cognitive self and be a beast. And I deeply value that about it. For me it is integrative in a Jungian sense, and it doesn't mean that overall I am absenting myself from trying to make a more inclusive world. For me, this is just one place where I allow my gaze to be hungry, where I allow myself to step out of the self I otherwise bring to the world.

 

And you know what? For me it is a pretty sacred and spiritual experience. That's the felt texture of the experience for me. It's not merely about getting my rocks off - I enjoy doing that kink or not. It is about reconnecting with unconscious, pre-lingual etc etc parts of myself and letting that energy run. Is the palace of wisdom reached via the road of excess? Maybe sometimes, but I'm not about to advocate this *as* a spiritual path, because I believe that there are far more effective ones if spirituality is the point. But there is a definite deeply archetypal and symbolic and, yeah, spiritual element of this for me. And that doesn't mean I'm doing it right or better and you are doing ti wrong or worse. But what I am experiencing in that respect is as valid as what you are not experiencing. I get that we are probably in agreement,, and that it's the evangelism that bothers you, and we would be in agreement on that point too.

 

I saw a pic of a male little on Reddit today and it was one of the most powerful depictions of masculinity I have seen in a little while. It was beautiful. Like you I would love to see more of that.

 

I'm personally as equally attracted to POC as I am to Caucasians. 

 

I love to see disabled kinksters, or old kinksters etc etc. And in fact I *do* see them at local venues and events. I agree that the common depictions/representations of dd/lg are pretty normative - but I see them as porn vs real life making love. Is there a place for alternate representations? Absolutely! I should think a tumblr or similar with that as a focus would end up really popular. Maybe you should make one? 

 

But does BDSM *have* to be political on the level you are advocating for, for those of us who do not wish to make it explicitly so? I reject that notion.Is not embracing non-mainstream sexuality not in itself a radical act? While it might not be performing ALL the functions of a perfectly radical act, surely it is doing the opposite to strengthening the patriarchy. And I would actually argue that while sure, there are certain representational tropes around the lifestyle, in practice BDSM is a very open and inclusive community and at most events the svelte 20-something body is more the exception than the norm. And that, indeed, this too is celebrated. BDSM is a fluid and broad enough site to be all of these things at once. In fact, that may be one of the most radically subversive things about it. What does it say about mainstream culture that BDSM is incredibly visible now? Do we argue that BDSM is being infiltrated by patriarchy, or is it, in fact, the other way around?