Help needed for a new little

[DaddysLittleGirl827]

Hi. I need help and this seems like the best place to ask. I am new to this lifestyle. It’s something my boyfriend and I got into. I should start by saying we have a very complicated relationship. We were friends growing up, drifted apart, and reconnected. When we reconnected, I was in the process of leaving my now ex husband and he was/is still with girlfriend or what he claims to be his “roommate”. He has told me from the beginning that he has not been sure about leaving her. Add into the mix that I kissed another guy and he still keeps hanging it over my head no matter how much I have apologized. Also keep in mind that almost all our conversations are through text message. We have now gotten to the point where we are in a good place for a few days and then I don’t do something right or don’t say something right and he just threatens to leave and just yells at me. I’m trying to talk to him about how I’m feeling and why I think things and he tells me he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to hear my excuses or explanations. I can’t tell if this is normal behavior for a daddy don or if this is more of someone who claims to be a daddy but really isn’t. I talk to my one friend who is a psychologist and she thinks he is bordering on bipolar or multiple personality. She is not into this lifestyle so I can’t really tell what to think. I really need advice. Any guidance would be really awesome. Feel free to ask me any questions for clarity or examples.

[ScarletBaby]

I don’t have much experience with daddy some myself, as I’m also new to the lifestyle, but I can tell you that it sounds like a toxic relationship. He’s with someone else and lording a kiss over your head. He barely sees you. And he snaps at the smallest things. I think he was taking advantage of you when you ended things with your ex, and is looking to control you. You don’t sound happy in this relationship and honestly I feel like you can be scared of him at times from what you said. If he doesn’t care about how you feel then he doesn’t care about you. I think you should end contact with him and look for someone else. Because he’s clearly not a good fit for you or your Little side. I hope this helps.

[Guest KWgirl]

Hugs

I agree with ScarletBaby- this doesn't sound like a good relationship in any sense. It frankly sounds abusive. And it does not reflect my experiences in a DDlg relationship- he doesn't sound like a Daddy.

[Little kaiya]

Perhaps try asking yourself some of the things you've raised but from a different perspective. Imagine your best friend or sibling was asking you for advice about staying or leaving someone and described the behaviour you've described. Please keep in mind, whether it's a DDlg relationship or not is truly irrelevant.

 

Behaviours:

 

- He's with someone else and won't commit to staying or leaving them

- he's holding something over your friend's head even though she's apologized

- he threatens to leave when he doesn't like what she says

- he yells at her

- he refuses to talk or listen and instead just says he doesn't care

 

What would you tell your friend?

 

That kind of behavior speaks for what kind of person he IS and whether it's a DDlg or vanilla relationship what it says about him isn't anything good. This is NOT a question about the DDlg lifestyle, this is really a question about whether staying in the relationship is healthy. It just sounds selfish and emotionally abusive to me.

 

Ask yourself, with that type of behavior, why do you want to be with this person??

 

Little kaiya

Edited September 30, 2019 by Little kaiya

[GingerBread1997]

All of that just sounds, all around, not good. It doesn’t sound like a heathy relationship in general let alone one that supposedly is one with ddlg dynamics. In my opinion, he has no right to be upset with you kissing someone else when he’s still with his gf. If you were my friend, and I like to think in this community we all have each other’s best interest in heart, I’d advise cutting off contact with the guy. It’s not Daddy Dom behavior and he sounds like someone who likes manipulating people. Best luck to you love xx

[DaddysLittleGirl827]

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I’m having a really hard time with this and struggling with what to do. I know I’m painting a pretty horrible picture of the situation and it’s not bad all the time. Since it’s my first experience with ddlg, I wasn’t sure if this is normal. I didn’t know where else to turn to or who to ask. And sad as it is, I know if he finds out that I put this out there, he’s going to be extremely upset with me. Even this feels like I’m going against our rules and it stinks.

[ScarletBaby]

DaddysLittleGirl827, just because he isn’t always that bad, it doesn’t excuse that fact that it’s frequent enough. One time acting like this and then correcting after a discussion is one thing, but you said he disregarded your feelings. I don’t think it would be a safe relationship mentally for you to be in, and would honestly be worried it would devolve into physically unsafe if you start seeing each other more often. I really think that the best thing you can do is break off contact and leave him. It sounds to me like his only interest is in controlling you and making you into what he wants. You need to put you mental and physical well being above any relationship, because in a healthy one it shouldn’t be hard to feel safe and cared for at all times. And in my opinion that’s a big part of any relationship with or without the dynamic.

[Little kaiya]

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. I’m having a really hard time with this and struggling with what to do. I know I’m painting a pretty horrible picture of the situation and it’s not bad all the time. Since it’s my first experience with ddlg, I wasn’t sure if this is normal. I didn’t know where else to turn to or who to ask. And sad as it is, I know if he finds out that I put his out there, he’s going to be extremely upset with me. Even this feels like I’m going against our rules and it stinks.

Run. Run far. Run fast. Find somewhere safe and don't look back. I said it before but really feel it bears repeating, this has NOTHING to do with the DDlg dynamic. If he's going to be upset at you for asking about behaviour that is manipulative at best and abusive at worse . . . That statement really says it all.

 

Do not mistake controlling and unhealthy behavior as some form of DDlg or alternative relationship dynamic. You aren't, at least I hope not, going to find anyone here or anywhere else that is going to condone or support his behaviour.

 

Get safe. Stay safe. And dont make excuses for his behaviour. "It's not bad all the time" is almost a classic phrase for women and men that are being emotionally or mentally abused but are being made to feel like it's their fault. Nobody who loves you would treat you how you've described. Rules that make you feel isolated, or guilty or unworthy aren't rules, they're abuse cloaked in words . . . .

 

Little kaiya

[ScarletBaby]

Run. Run far. Run fast. Find somewhere safe and don't look back. I said it before but really feel it bears repeating, this has NOTHING to do with the DDlg dynamic. If he's going to be upset at you for asking about behaviour that is manipulative at best and abusive at worse . . . That statement really says it all.

Do not mistake controlling and unhealthy behavior as some form of DDlg or alternative relationship dynamic. You aren't, at least I hope not, going to find anyone here or anywhere else that is going to condone or support his behaviour.

Get safe. Stay safe. And dont make excuses for his behaviour. "It's not bad all the time" is almost a classic phrase for women and men that are being emotionally or mentally abused but are being made to feel like it's their fault. Nobody who loves you would treat you how you've described. Rules that make you feel isolated, or guilty or unworthy aren't rules, they're abuse cloaked in words . . . .

Little kaiya

They are completely right. From any standpoint this sounds like an abusive situation. I’m almost done with my first nursing license and everything you just said to me would have been reported to my abuse coordinator at work. I’ve been in healthcare for 2 years now and I can tell you that we wouldn’t let this man have contact with you the moment that you told us about this. There would be no chance that we would treat this as anything but abuse. I can only encourage you to be safe and to get away from the situation. Asking for advice should never be against any rules and neither should feeling upset. Please be safe and take care of yourself. If you ever feel like you need help, there are resources to help you get away from abusive situations. And know that we’re all here for you.

[lacey bunny]

For people new to the lifestyle there is a blurred line between BDSM and abuse/control. BDSM is consensual. You give your partner(s) the consent to dominate within the lines you allow and set for them. You have the power and right to say "No." "Stop." "I'm not comfortable." "I changed my mind." without fear or worry, and know that the other side will full respect your choice and provide you with the care needed in that. A lot of people use BDSM to power that abuse/control in a relationship consciously or subconsciously. It's scary.

What you described sounds like abuse... I am so sorry for that DaddysLittleGirl827, it's never easy.

 

 

I am unsure of your area but these are the numbers you can call for help in the U.S.

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 1-800-656-4673 Visit rainn.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 Visit thehotline.org

 

If you are in the U.S. there are domestic violence shelters you can seek out. If you go to a hotel you can let them know that you wanting to keep your stay private. Also there is a phone app called Aspire News App that can help too.

 

Whatever you do, do not contact them or reply when they try to contact you. Block them as soon as you can and when you do leave try to get help through therapy or support groups if you can. Please be safe. 

Edited October 1, 2019 by lacey bunny

[DaddysLittleGirl827]

Thank you again for your advice. I am located in the U.S. We don’t live together. I haven’t contacted him and he hasn’t contacted me either. This isn’t the first time that we haven’t spoken for a few days though. It seems to be the cycle we go through. It’s been really difficult. I think you’re very correct about the lines getting blurred between BDSM and control.