Communication IS good .... but!

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Yes, communication is a vital part of a relationship. Probably the most fundamental key to creating & maintaining a healthy, happy, loving relationship.

 

But I've noticed what seems a worrying trend on here ... Someone asks for help, and immediately there's a flood of "talk to her/him" replies.

Again I'll say "Yes" that's essential. BUT sometimes people need a little help with what to say or how to say it. We can benefit from hearing about other people's experiences in similar situations. We can benefit from other points of view.

 

It's true that some members start a "what shall I do?" thread with no real intention of even trying to sort something out. Just wanting people to pat them on the head rather than give constructive advice. And it's irritating and time-wasting for those who try to help.

 

I'm just trying to say that not everything boils down to just "talk to him/her".  And that we should remember we're all at different stages of life, of DDlg experience, and with different skills & weaknesses.

So sometimes it IS good to talk to other people too! Isn't that what this forum is all about? After all, that's another form of communication  And communication is always good 

 

Looby 

[Guest LittleBunBun84]

You make a good point, Looby.  This is something I've noticed myself and the reason I haven't posted in many of these "talk to him/her" topics.  It would be nice to have a conversation about the problem instead of a standard answer about communicating.

[Guest Kitten1999]

I really needed this post right now and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the awesome advice!~

[MysticSand]

I think the reason why "talk to them" is the standard is because of the very real and legitimate fear that OP's will take advice literally and forgot that every situation/ relationship/person is different. So by giving specific advice without that disclaimer would be dangerous. Also on that note, many posts that do ask for help give very little detail and offer one side of things which potentially makes posters even more wary of posting advice that could be harmful.

 

Hmm. Maybe there could be a general guide post on how to post for advice, or even a separate posting section all together to ask for advice! I'm thinking maybe a post on how to ask for help could also be helpful in having posters think through their situation to get more well rounded feedback.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

I like some of the points you've raised MysticSand, and agree that it would be useful to have a sticky with guidelines of what to include in a request for help.

 

Reminding people to communicate with their partner is plain good sense. My concern is about the increasing frequency & sheer volume of replies which say nothing other than "talk to him/her". IMO this isn't helpful and can be hurtful to someone who has reached out for help.

 

It can be nerve-wracking to open a new thread and many people will post a brief message just to get the ball rolling. A friendly response might encourage them to open up more and discuss the problem fully.

Terse replies of "talk to him/her"don't do that.  IMO this shuts down the conversation before it can begin.  This kind of "sort it out yourself" response is likely to put the OP off giving more info, and probably put other people off asking for help at all. And that's not good.

 

It can be frustrating/boring when the same problems/questions get asked repeatedly (usually by newer members), and some people aren't even genuinely trying to solve their problems. But we should try to be kind and helpful to those who are. Even the same problem, when discussed by new voices, can add a different point of view and we can all learn.

 

Looby 

Edited September 25, 2019 by Looby-Lou

[movingaxis]

Thanks for the post. 

That makes sense to me... especially related to dd/lg. I'm a noob myself when it comes to dd/lg, but tt seems like talking to them directly about everything within dd/lg takes a lot of the fun and sponteneity out of the power relationship. Depending on what that dynamic looks like for each person. Also takes out some self discovery that can result from making mistakes.

For me I like hearing suggestions/ different perspectives that make me think, oh my babygirl would like that. Let me surprise her! Especially since I'm new. Thanks 

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

This needed to be said. For people brand new to the dynamic or relationships in general talking to their partner isn't the full answer. They may need examples on when or how to bring up the topic. Maybe the topic is posted because they're more interested about how to handle the situation after speaking to their partner. The person responding can share little wisdom from their experience(s) in similar situations and/or someone else's.

 

Lack of information can be for multiple acceptable reasons. To cut my long winded response down I'll just say that it is okay to (politely) ask for more details before responding. If a friend comes irl and ask for advice wouldn't we ask for more details? We certainly wouldn't leave our response as 'talk to them' and call it good. Perhaps, the OP doesn't wanting to bog down their post. They might be embarrassed/have some anxiety around leaving all the details then being discouraged to see so many people read a post and not respond with more advice. They might not realizing that certain details are important. A big issue I've found online when lotsa details are given is that people have the tendency to pick the wrong details to focus on. That can boil down to a long post with too many details at once, creating multiple situations to respond to once.