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[CW: Emotional Abuse] Don't even know how to title this just need some love


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Posted (edited)

***TRIGGER WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE***

 

I just had this massive realization that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm reeling.

 

He made himself out to be perfectly in tune with emotions and everyone else, including me, was fucked up. He told me I didn't know who I was. He told me after I told him I was upset by something he said, that that wasn't fair he shouldn't have to watch everything he says. He told me, when I said I get triggered and really scared like he's going to hit me when he raises his voice, "what, I can't be frustrated with you?" He told me he maybe cared about me when I asked him, point blank, but that really it was monogamy's fault that partners are conditioned to say they care about each other without thinking about it. (He's poly.) He told me he loved how excited I got about things (and based a lot of this on his defining I was a little and he was a Daddy Dom) but was wary about devoting himself too much because what if I had a reaction to something he thought was really special and it was the same as a reaction to going out to a fun restaurant and how do you think that would make him feel? He asked me when I told him towards the end I felt like I had no autonomy, "what can you do about that?"

 

He told me he needed to feel wanted, and so I had to initiate sexual contact, otherwise it wouldn't happen. But I didn't feel wanted. He never kissed me unless I asked him to. He told me I kissed wrong. He told me that he didn't want to tell me that because I'd ask him how to do it right and he doesn't know how to teach someone that. He told me my wanting to learn was exhausting. He used to chuckle or shake his head after I kissed him wrong and when I asked for a do-over say, "nope got your chance." He told me I was such a people-pleaser I didn't know how to have consensual sex and I'd let myself get raped without knowing it and wasn't it good that I was with him and not someone else who'd exploit me? Then he'd tell me how he was a feminist and all the ways he was against rape culture and toxic masculinity and how he himself had also been coerced sexually so he knows power dynamics. He told me about the ways he made me feel safe when we had difficult conversations, how he wouldn't put himself between me and a door, but then during those conversations he'd point out to me all the ways I was not wired right. When I had a series of panic attacks in his apartment after witnessing an assault, he was disappointed I was not going to hurt myself or others because then a hospital wouldn't admit me.

 

But he held me after my nightmares. Somehow for seven months I thought he was safe.

 

This was wrong. I feel sick. And he's still in my head and I'm scared. I want him gone. How do I do that? I'm trying to focus on myself, no relationships. But it feels like I'm not alone. Like he's still there. I want my mind back.

 

Please send love.

Edited by wideeyeddelights
  • Like 2
Posted

I'm awfully sorry about what happened to you! :(

He sounds like a psychopathic personality, I have been taken in by psychopaths too in my life.

*Offers hugs and cuddles if you need them*

If you need somebody to talk you can send me a PM if you want.

  • Like 1
Guest LittleSnowiii
Posted

First of all you're so fricking brave to share this. It might help someone else aswell!

 

Second, unfortunatly that's how abusive relationships works... always your fault, never theirs. From small tiny comments, to demanding things, isolating you, hurting you mentally and/or physically.

Just know you're not alone hun. You will struggle for a while because that's how trauma works BUT you are definetly NOT alone!!!

The nightmares will eventually go away. People will support you. And the will to grow and develop as a person will shine.

Because you're right here sharing this with us, that alone shows how strong you are. Believe in yourself ok?

Also I know is not much, but if you want feel free to PM me. Went through this before so maybe I can help? Even if is just you venting.

 

Sending you tons of virtual hugs and alot of strenght <3

  • Like 2
Guest LittleNymph
Posted

This hits closer to home than I'd ever care to admit. My ex would put me through similar situations, going as far as manipulating me into feeling guilty for not sending explicits despite not feeling comfortable within our relationship. I agree with Snowii 100%. You are brave, you're a survivor. The road to recovery is going to be long and hard, and at times you may feel like giving up and that's ok. Just keep on walking and doing things that make you happy. When I could hear my ex in my thoughts, and his taunts I would isolate myself from my family. Did me no good, until a close friend quite literally dragged me out and helped me. Sometimes, you just  need someone to listen and for them to be there. You took the first big step into accepting and realising what you went through. You're not alone. Sending all my love your way x


  • Like 2
Posted

My daughter went through this too. She's been away from him for almost two years. You can make it. Sadly, there are still moments she hears him in her head.

She's with a wonderful man now. It can happen.

Hugs.

Posted
Thank you all for this. I had a really rough night - he chose the worst time to break our no contact rule and posted something random on my Facebook and I threw up had a panic attack and had to medicate myself. I am exhausted. But I'm very likely going to take you guys up on the PM conversation piece who offered. And I'll have more thoughtful responses to this when I have more of a brain. Thank you so much.

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