Passive person seeking Alpha

[movingaxis]

Beginning DD/LG with my wife has been eye opening for me to say the least.  

I have been flooded with new thoughts and realizations about myself and our relationship as a result of thinking
more about our power roles and our interactions within our relationship. 

I am looking at my own power roles, and my role within my life. I am horrified right now to find that at 34 years old, I am a passive observer of my own life.

It has taken some months, and a big situation to arise involving a third party in my marriage, for me to realize I am not an Alpha in my life.
I don't even pretend to play one in life. But if I'm alone I lie to myself and play Alpha with anger.

I have been content to hide in nearly all parts of my life. Hide in escapism. Hide in drugs and alcohol. Hide my feelings and push them down. Hide my thoughts

to those I'm talking to. What I say think and feel is all determined by external factors and I have just done my best to nudge life as best I can. (How pitiful)

This is all I have to say. I find myself even now afraid, and unsure how to think for myself. Though I was sure I had been doing it all along. 
Why do we lie to ourselves? 

I can't go back to my old way of thinking or worry about consequences that result from seeking my independence. I am working for ALPHA. 

[Guest Relentlessoptimist]

What are you looking for.

 

Do you want to become / have more dominant energy in your life (alpha as a term is a mixed bag for me.) Or are you trying to make peace w your submissive side. I'm guessing the first one but I think it'll help people of you are clear about what you want help w to change and what you want to become.

Edited December 5, 2019 by Relentlessoptimist

[Guest shaggy]

DD/lg dynamic aside, a lot of what you say regarding 'hiding/passive observation' speaks to me.

 

It's something I came to realize was an issue in my personal life as well, something I let slide for far too long, or maybe I didn't notice. It ended up costing me a lot. Almost everything, really. My situation is/was similar to what you say regarding a third party (not married, but was engaged).

 

All I can really say is that it's a good thing you've became aware of this, hopefully at a point where you're able to repair and salvage your relationship. I've found that it's been helpful to practice mindfulness, to really invest yourself in the day-to-day and to enjoy/experience your life to the fullest.

 

Listen and pay attention more, and be present!

 

If you need help with substance abuse, consider reaching out to a local AA group or equivalent... it's one thing to use some things in moderation, but it's quite another for it to be a crutch. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[Master50]

Thank you for writing this.

 

I have finished one vanilla married relationship and have started talking to an LG.

 

I am 51,and a newcomer to Ddlg but I find the power play discussion so intense between DD & LG. I really don't understand it!

 

I have never had such an intense discussion with anyone else.