*PRETTY LONG* Upset little in a tough spot, in need of help

[TemporaryUser]

Hi! I'm probably not going to be a frequent user on this but I'm in a difficult situation as someone fairly new to the ddlg scene (and it includes some AB). I'm in my first ddlg relationship which is exciting! But I think something is wrong?

 

Disclaimer I kind of ramble so this might be long.

 

For a little bit of background, I met my boyfriend/daddy when I started my 2nd semester of college. We hit it off pretty quickly and starting dating about a month later. Two months into the relationship he came to me and "came out"(??) as Dom and asked if I would be willing to do anything on occasion. I already knew that I was into ddlg so I told him and we agreed to start incorporating it slowly. Since I was 18 and he was 19, we weren't 100% sure about how to set up boundaries and things like that.

 

Anyway I started getting a list of rules (getting my classwork done, drinking enough water, and some of the more squirmy ones). Since this is my first relationship, I hadn't thought to establish a safeword and we started arguing a lot because on occasion I'd just start crying because we were moving too fast. So we did a bit of research and established a safeword. (Mine is lobster... Idk where I came up with it) That solved a lot of problems. Then we kind of separated for the summer. Since I'm from out of state and he stays there. We kept up the relationship for the time being and met up again when I came back in the fall. This is where the issues start.

 

When I got back he said he'd been doing some digging into how a Dom should treat their sub and wanted to start right away. It felt good at first and I agreed (it was a little exciting to see him take charge like that). And he went through the things he wanted to do.

- I was to at least wear a pull-up or goodnite whenever we went on a date or shopping

- He wanted to start helping me change my diapers at home (not frequent but when I visited his apartment and vice versa)

- I have to ask permission to go potty

- I have to ask permission to touch my princess parts

- And I can't watch any of my big girl shows when I'm in little space (after a couple bad nights because big me watches a lot of scary movies and shows)

I was okay with all of these and agreed to let him put them in place. But after we started, he seemed to forget about important things. A lot of this was very new to me and I did tell him I'd probably need a lot of aftercare and made him promise not to be too grumpy if I used my safeword.(Should have been a red flag??) But he didn't keep to it. About a month before the semester ended we both had three days with no work or classes so he convinced me to spend it with him at his apartment. While I was there he acted like everything I needed in little space was a chore. Even the things he came to me saying he wanted to do. Whenever I asked for cuddles or needed changed or wanted him to come play with me he'd scowl and complain. By the end of the visit I felt pretty neglected and was really happy to go back to my apartment. I talked to him over the phone the next day and said that I needed a break from being a little. And he said to take as long as I needed.

 

The next semester went better. I stayed for some more classes over the summer, this last semester that just ended. That's when it happened. He made a rule that when I went out wearing certain clothes that I had to wear a diaper under them (not a thick one, just like a tena). These were clothes that look really mature and made me feel like a big girl. I tried to explain to him that I didn't want to mix my adult and little clothes. He got angry and told me that when I agreed to be a sub I agreed to let him take control of whatever he wants. I was scared so I caved and agreed to the rule. As far as I knew he'd done more research on ddlg than I had. Besides,he just meant if I wore the clothes to class or something, right? Wrong. Around that time I started an internship. On one of the first days I picked out one of the outfits he'd said I had to follow the rule in. But I didn't think it applied to work. So I just put on panties. He's stayed the night and he got really angry when he saw me wearing the outfit but no diaper. Like really angry. I tried telling him I had to be an adult that day. Instead I was spanked and diapered. Something felt really wrong. I wanted to use my safeword but I was too overwhelmed. Work was terrible that day. I was super jumpy and I felt sick and distracted which isn't how I normally am at work. People noticed and kept asking if I needed to go home. I declined and powered through. When I got home I was in a foul mood and needed to be in little space. A proper little space. My boyfriend was asleep on the couch. So I went and changed into my favorite pajamas and got my plushie before going to him about it. At first he was really sweet about it! He made me a late lunch, let me pick out a movie, and had me lay with my head on his lap while her played with my hair and I started to feel a lot better. He even let me explain how yucky I felt at work that day and why. Later that evening, I needed to go potty. As I think a lot of little who wear diapers are, I'm expected to use it if I'm wearing it. So, well, I did. Bad news is that is was about 6 in the evening and I hadn't used the bathroom since about 7am and I ended up leaking.

One of my biggest rules for Daddy is not to include my working life in my little life. I'm one of those people that had straight A's and got 32 on their ACT- all that fun stuff. So I have pride in my success.

And according to his rules, he was the one to change me. The thing is he forgot this big rule for me and started teasing me. Saying I wasn't ready for work if I couldn't keep myself dry and things like that. It didn't make me feel good. I just felt sick and near tears. Then he said "I don't believe such a dumb baby got through school like you did." He'd never said anything like that. Even now it makes me feel all gross. I started crying and used my safeword for the first time since I created it. And he got angry again. Started to tell me that I can't just use my safeword whenever I want and that I'm the sub therefore have no say in the rules and how I'm controlled, which really only made things worse. There was no comfort afterwords. I told him to leave my apartment and he did.

 

The rest of the semester went like that. Right now I'm at home until the new one starts, in a few weeks. I've done a bit of my own research. And a lot of people seem to be saying that the sub has to consent to the control they give up. And that when a little uses their safeword that the CG is supposed to stop asap and start aftercare. I'm honestly at a loss. If he did research he must have seen that because it's one of the first things I found, but he doesn't seem to give a crap. So all of this rambling leads to the question of if I should even bother trying to talk this through with him or if I should cut it off? Or is there something I'm not understanding as my role as a little?

 

Again, sorry for the super long post.

[Daxter]

You are not wrong. He was abusing you, he was being mean and disrespectful. He wasn't being a dom.

A little is not a slave. And even slaves deserve respect and care.

 

"The little has all the power" a litte buddy told me

 

He is being abusive and he is not taking you into consideration, that is no longer a relationship, since he is not respecting you and your boundaries, that's why the safeword exists.

I believe you should try to talk with him, make a stand and make him understand that NO MATTER THE SITUATION, once the safeword is said, EVERYTHING MUST STOP. dot there. 

If he fails to comply on this, don't bother talking with him, stop that relationship and stop everything. 

Even if you have to cut communication with him.

 

If you wish, you may add me and message me, I will help you in anyway I can.

Edited August 20, 2019 by Daxter

[DaddyDom3238]

Hi,

First off congratulations in beginning to explore this side of yourself!! No need to apologize for a long post as it gives good detail and that way you will receive more informed responses. I won't give along response as this is a common issue that I have found through the over ten years I have been in the lifestyle. First and foremost, when you use your safeword everything stops immediately. When you use your safeword you are taking your consent away at that moment and your Daddy/Dom needs to stop whatever they are doing. If he gets mad or does not stop he does not respect the consent and submission YOU have given to him and in my opinion that is a red flag to leave. It will only get worse from there. By you agreeing to be his sub/little does not mean you do everything that he says. You and you alone set the boundaries and your hard limits as you are trusting him with your body, mind, soul, and heart. It is yours to give and yours to take away. 

Some dynamics do entail complete control by the Dom/Daddy/Master, however that is obviously not what you want and shame on him for taking advantage of your submission and using it against you. 

Your submission is a gift and should be respected, he does not respect it and I believe this is a sign of his inexperience, immaturity, and the fact that he seems to think you should do what he says always which your dynamic is not what you want. 

Lastly he should never get angry when you use your safeword, your safeword is for you to use whenever and however you need to so that you are comfortable in the situation and for you to protect yourself. 

Good luck to you, feel free to message me if you have any concerns or questions.

[BabyMattDiapers]

As a fellow little myself, I appreciate everything you had to say. Thank you for being so honest and open here on this forum. I am also fairly new to this lifestyle, so I can appreciate your experiences as mentioned here even more for my own learning.

 

It does appear that you are being abused here. Safewords I understand are used when you feel that your personal safety is at risk. His arguing with you and getting angry whenever you use your safeword is not ok and you need to do whatever it is that helps you feel safe. At the point the safeword has been said, you have taken consent away from participating in the act and either your daddy/dom/boyfriend stops what he is doing and helps you with aftercare or you need to get away from him and do what you need to do to feel safe. That's what I understand about safewords when they are used and if he is getting angry instead of helping you when it is said, then you have every right to run away from him or ask him to leave, as you did, and do what you need to do to feel safe. Your personal safety is being compromised by his arguing and getting angry and that is abuse and is not ok. You have the power now to choose what you want to do next: if you feel like you want to talk to him about this, go ahead and see if talking to him will help you both have a better relationship. If that doesn't happen, or he starts getting angry and arguing with you again, you have every right to leave him. If you do not want to talk with him about it, that is ok too and you can just leave him and cut off all communication with him. You have the power to make the choice you want to make. Make the one that makes you feel most happy and safe. With much love and bye bye for now,

 

BabyMattDiapers 

[Little kaiya]

I agree whole heartedly with Daxter and DaddyDom. What your boyfriend was doing was NOT being a Dom it was being abusive and whether that was intentional or unintentional it really doesn't matter.

 

I won"t try and tell you what being a submissive is or isn'tas it can vary quite broadly from person to person. I will share that i'm a collared submissive/little so you get a feel for where my perspective is coming from.

 

1) I always get concerned when people say, "this is what a Dom does" or "a real little is "x"" or "a real submissive would do "x"". BDSM is not a one size fits all thing. Research can be helpful as a starting point but without communication between Dom and sub it loses it's value.

 

2) There is a HUGE difference between a Dom/Domme and someone who wants to dominate someone for their own pleasure. A Dom, in my view, truly cares about what is best for their sub. They aren't making rules just because it gets them off, they want to help, nurture and protect their sub. The actions you describe from your boyfriend certainly seem to miss that mark. I can actually empathize about wearing diapers to work. My Daddy Dom wanted me wearing 24/7, we tried it and it didn't work so we discussed and reached a compromise that suited us. Yes, he pushed my soft limit, as a Dom should in my eyes, but he also listened to my feelings.

 

3) A safeword is there for a reason and if you don't feel comfortable using it that is a HUGE red flag, just as much as him not respecting your safe word. A safeword is an expression of trust, it's not a way for a sub to say to their Dom, yeah whatever, it is more than just a word and both partners need to be respectful when it's used. A safewird is about more than physical safety as well, its about mental and emotional safety too.If I didn't feel safe using my safeword it would be a HUGE concern because it would signify perhaps I didn't trust my Daddy. I've never used it yet but I never felt the least bit hesitant to do so. The fact your partner shamed you after using your safeword is scary to say the least.

 

Honestly, I could never trust someone that shamed me for using my safeword, violated my trust and boundaries and did what you've described above. Maybe he's immature, maybe he researched the wrong places, maybe he's just abusive and manipulative, only you can make that decision. What I will say is even in D/s, perhaps ESPECIALLY in D/s, informed and continued consent is CRUCIAL. You revoked your consent, as was and IS your right and he got mad . . . . Is that really who you want to be with? That decision is yours alone.

 

Little kaiya

Edited August 21, 2019 by Little kaiya

[jelloprincess]

This situation is really messed up. He is absolutely abusing his role as the dominant. ALL rules have to be mutually agreed on beforehand, and you have every right to say no to a rule you're uncomfortable with. The fact that he asks for certain things and then gets upset when you do them is also extremely messed up. The thing that really stands out to me over everything else is you're afraid to use your safeword. A dom should make their sub feel completely safe to use their safeword any time, and obviously you don't feel safe with him. Based on the situation you describe the one time you DID use your safeword, I don't blame you!! He sounds terrible!

 

Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but just based on your post I am really worried for you. It doesn't sound like this guy knows how to be in a healthy relationship at all, let alone how to be a dom. My advice is to RUN. You can't 'fix' him, and it doesn't sound like he's making any kind of effort to be a good daddy. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and you can do better.

 

If you need to talk, PLEASE don't hesitate to reach out to me. Just send me a friend request and we can exchange info.

 

Good luck, hon. I know this must be really difficult for you, but I promise you can make it through. <3

[TemporaryUser]

You are not wrong. He was abusing you, he was being mean and disrespectful. He wasn't being a dom.

A little is not a slave. And even slaves deserve respect and care.

 

"The little has all the power" a litte buddy told me

 

He is being abusive and he is not taking you into consideration, that is no longer a relationship, since he is not respecting you and your boundaries, that's why the safeword exists.

I believe you should try to talk with him, make a stand and make him understand that NO MATTER THE SITUATION, once the safeword is said, EVERYTHING MUST STOP. dot there.

If he fails to comply on this, don't bother talking with him, stop that relationship and stop everything.

Even if you have to cut communication with him.

 

If you wish, you may add me and message me, I will help you in anyway I can.

Oh gosh I wasn't expecting anyone to reply this quickly! I have reached out to a non-bdsm friend who is okay with this kind of relationship to help me talk to him again when I go back in a couple weeks. I'll be sure to bring up the quote you provided and keep it with me as I continue. But I don't expect to maintain my relationship with him and although I won't leave the ddlg community, I probably will take a break. Thank you for taking the time to reply ❤️

[TemporaryUser]

Hi,

First off congratulations in beginning to explore this side of yourself!! No need to apologize for a long post as it gives good detail and that way you will receive more informed responses. I won't give along response as this is a common issue that I have found through the over ten years I have been in the lifestyle. First and foremost, when you use your safeword everything stops immediately. When you use your safeword you are taking your consent away at that moment and your Daddy/Dom needs to stop whatever they are doing. If he gets mad or does not stop he does not respect the consent and submission YOU have given to him and in my opinion that is a red flag to leave. It will only get worse from there. By you agreeing to be his sub/little does not mean you do everything that he says. You and you alone set the boundaries and your hard limits as you are trusting him with your body, mind, soul, and heart. It is yours to give and yours to take away.

Some dynamics do entail complete control by the Dom/Daddy/Master, however that is obviously not what you want and shame on him for taking advantage of your submission and using it against you.

Your submission is a gift and should be respected, he does not respect it and I believe this is a sign of his inexperience, immaturity, and the fact that he seems to think you should do what he says always which your dynamic is not what you want.

Lastly he should never get angry when you use your safeword, your safeword is for you to use whenever and however you need to so that you are comfortable in the situation and for you to protect yourself.

Good luck to you, feel free to message me if you have any concerns or questions.

Thank you! I'm glad I've been able to do so as well although I'm not to thrilled about how wrong it's gone the first time around. It means a lot that you took the time to respond. For some reason it feels different coming from a Dom as opposed to a little? Not that their opinions don't matter but for a Dom to see this and think it's not right puts into perspective how wrong it is. Hopefully the issue is resolved peacefully and I'll do my best to understand the dynamic I need compared to any future daddys. Thank you for your response!

[TemporaryUser]

[TemporaryUser]

I agree whole heartedly with Daxter and DaddyDom. What your boyfriend was doing was NOT being a Dom it was being abusive and whether that was intentional or unintentional it really doesn't matter.

 

I won"t try and tell you what being a submissive is or isn'tas it can vary quite broadly from person to person. I will share that i'm a collared submissive/little so you get a feel for where my perspective is coming from.

 

1) I always get concerned when people say, "this is what a Dom does" or "a real little is "x"" or "a real submissive would do "x"". BDSM is not a one size fits all thing. Research can be helpful as a starting point but without communication between Dom and sub it loses it's value.

 

2) There is a HUGE difference between a Dom/Domme and someone who wants to dominate someone for their own pleasure. A Dom, in my view, truly cares about what is best for their sub. They aren't making rules just because it gets them off, they want to help, nurture and protect their sub. The actions you describe from your boyfriend certainly seem to miss that mark. I can actually empathize about wearing diapers to work. My Daddy Dom wanted me wearing 24/7, we tried it and it didn't work so we discussed and reached a compromise that suited us. Yes, he pushed my soft limit, as a Dom should in my eyes, but he also listened to my feelings.

 

3) A safeword is there for a reason and if you don't feel comfortable using it that is a HUGE red flag, just as much as him not respecting your safe word. A safeword is an expression of trust, it's not a way for a sub to say to their Dom, yeah whatever, it is more than just a word and both partners need to be respectful when it's used. A safewird is about more than physical safety as well, its about mental and emotional safety too.If I didn't feel safe using my safeword it would be a HUGE concern because it would signify perhaps I didn't trust my Daddy. I've never used it yet but I never felt the least bit hesitant to do so. The fact your partner shamed you after using your safeword is scary to say the least.

 

Honestly, I could never trust someone that shamed me for using my safeword, violated my trust and boundaries and did what you've described above. Maybe he's immature, maybe he researched the wrong places, maybe he's just abusive and manipulative, only you can make that decision. What I will say is even in D/s, perhaps ESPECIALLY in D/s, informed and continued consent is CRUCIAL. You revoked your consent, as was and IS your right and he got mad . . . . Is that really who you want to be with? That decision is yours alone.

 

Little kaiya

I know that every person in a sub/dom type of relationship has different needs and boundaries. What worried me is that he and I seem to have different interpretations of my role in the relationship. The rules I've set for him are:

 

- Never bring my work/adult life into my little space. Be it something as small as carrying a pacifier in my work bag or what made me use my safeword, which is invalidating my capabilities as an adult when I'm in little space.

- Discuss all rule changes with me prior to putting them into play

- No heavy humiliation (which has in depth lists for what's light/acceptable and what I can't handle yet or ever)

- Not to bring this lifestyle with us when we're spending time with people that don't know

- Respect when I say "I don't want to be little right now/today/etc." or something along those lines

 

Those are the only things I've been able to think of. The day I used my safeword he violated several of those rules (and there seriously aren't that many). And I have tried over and over to make that clear to him and explain why it makes me uncomfortable. He didn't mind me talking about it but when I tried to enforce the change in behavior that's when he would get angry.

I took to this forum because I don't have any friends that are into any type of BDSM so I wanted to see what made the situation wrong if anything in a general sense. How do I say this?? Like if any base level, across the board standards were being broken simply because I'm still inexperienced in regular relationships, much less those that aren't vanilla.

Fortunately I've been able to tell a close friend who, while isn't active in the lifestyle, is accepting of it. When I go back in about a week and a half he's going to help me face my boyfriend. Not that I think he'll be physically violent but a part of me is worried that I'll freeze if I do it myself. Even if we are able to talk it out I don't think I'll be able to look at him the same and will end things with him. It's clearer to me now that he's being manipulative and possibly abusive. I don't care if it's intentional or not. Truth be told it being unintentional would scare me more. Either way, while I don't think I'll leave the ddlg community I will need to step away for a while to recover. Thank you for your response, it truly helped a lot

[TemporaryUser]

This situation is really messed up. He is absolutely abusing his role as the dominant. ALL rules have to be mutually agreed on beforehand, and you have every right to say no to a rule you're uncomfortable with. The fact that he asks for certain things and then gets upset when you do them is also extremely messed up. The thing that really stands out to me over everything else is you're afraid to use your safeword. A dom should make their sub feel completely safe to use their safeword any time, and obviously you don't feel safe with him. Based on the situation you describe the one time you DID use your safeword, I don't blame you!! He sounds terrible!

 

Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but just based on your post I am really worried for you. It doesn't sound like this guy knows how to be in a healthy relationship at all, let alone how to be a dom. My advice is to RUN. You can't 'fix' him, and it doesn't sound like he's making any kind of effort to be a good daddy. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and you can do better.

 

If you need to talk, PLEASE don't hesitate to reach out to me. Just send me a friend request and we can exchange info.

 

Good luck, hon. I know this must be really difficult for you, but I promise you can make it through. <3

I know my rules better now compared to when we started the relationship. Hopefully establishing them earlier in the future can help prevent issues like this. I kind of noticed that I shouldn't have been scared to use my safeword but after his reaction to when I did I kind of felt hopeless. So it was really scary for a while and I tried to avoid him. I don't think the relationship will last after I talk to him regardless of how he responds to it.

Thank you for your response, it's very sweet ❤️

[Guest Ittybittyberry]

Hun I'm sorry bit your daddy os not a daddy . he is being overtly controlling and in my honest opinion borderline abusive. You and him agreed on a safe word. You told him when things became uncomfortable. He took that to degrade and humiliate you. I think you would be better off without him. Whatever you happen to do is up to you completely . I hope everything is okay with you know. And hope your schooling goes well. If you ever want to talk just send me a message ! Hugs Edited August 21, 2019 by Itty bitty Lizzie

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Tbh I stopped reading your post after the part where he said when you agreed to be a sub you agreed to let him have control over everything. NO. That's not how it works. He is abusive.

[NathanR]

I am just going to add what I feel virtually everyone else has contributed, only because I feel like its important to be heard as part of a crowd. And I am actually onboard with Daddy-Tom. I did the same thing but then went back and actually read what you posted. A loving partner would never treat their significant other in this way regardless of the relationship type unless it was with the intent of being abusive. More to the point for this forum's sake, a daddy would never treat his little girl this way. Ever.
 

Regardless of what is agreed upon in the relationship, at the end of the day, you have a right to your own personal happiness, safety and security. He is providing you with none of this.

Its time to move on. If you are not out already, get out. Now.