Broken trust. How do you move past that?

[Guest Voidart]

I'd like to hear your stories, tips and comments on the matter. 
Undergoing change is an important step in moving forward with oneself. 

When someone you trust, breaks a promise. What do you do then? 

Please share. 

Thanks!

 

~V~

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

Deppends. Is it someone you're currently with, or someone from your past? 

[Little_Butterfly]

I guess it depends on how that trust came about, and the promise.

 

An important thing is that both the maker and receiver of the promise have to both understand what it is, and how important it is. We make promises everyday, some trivial, some important.

 

If the person made the promise knowing how important it was to you, and still broke it with no acceptable reason, then yes it eats away at trust. Promises start to mean nothing, and you start to emotionally pull away from the relationship. This includes some of the big important ones like honesty, etc. I know, as a little, when promises continue to be broken, I start to emotionally disengage a bit. It also is makes me anxious waiting for the promised action, as I'm expecting to be disappointed.

 

More and more, I am convinced that actions really are the only things that matter, no matter what words are said. Keeping a promise, or breaking one, means more than the substance of the promise.

 

What do you do? That just depends really. Was it a misunderstanding? Is the person making promises for the wrong reasons? What sort of promises are they? Is this something they have done in other relationships, or that they do in other areas of their life? What are they willing to do to stop it happening again?

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[Guest Voidart]

Deppends. Is it someone you're currently with, or someone from your past? 

Yeah, sorry for not making it clear. It would be someone who's entered the picture and left. 

 

I guess it depends on how that trust came about, and the promise.

 

An important thing is that both the maker and receiver of the promise have to both understand what it is, and how important it is. We make promises everyday, some trivial, some important.

 

If the person made the promise knowing how important it was to you, and still broke it with no acceptable reason, then yes it eats away at trust. Promises start to mean nothing, and you start to emotionally pull away from the relationship. This includes some of the big important ones like honesty, etc. I know, as a little, when promises continue to be broken, I start to emotionally disengage a bit. It also is makes me anxious waiting for the promised action, as I'm expecting to be disappointed.

 

More and more, I am convinced that actions really are the only things that matter, no matter what words are said. Keeping a promise, or breaking one, means more than the substance of the promise.

 

What do you do? That just depends really. Was it a misunderstanding? Is the person making promises for the wrong reasons? What sort of promises are they? Is this something they have done in other relationships, or that they do in other areas of their life? What are they willing to do to stop it happening again?

 

Hope this helps a bit.

It does help putting it to perspective. But since i was being purposely vague, it makes it a bit more confusing. 

 

Let's just say.. The promise was the type of "I love you and i'll be back." kind of promise. That she wouldn't leave me without letting me know why. The kind where they tell you that they'll always be there for you. 

The promise of "I won't leave you behind". And or the ones where they say that if something were to happen or if something does happen, that they would come to me and talk, communicate. Where they promise they would trust you and make you trust them in return. 

That one promise that makes you worry less, a wording to put you at ease perhaps. It's just one of many i suppose. 

Theoretically. As it stands, it's not as much a promise as it is a sequence of lies. 

 

In any case. How does on move on from having trust issues? How does one deal with it? 

 

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

Realise that trust takes a long time to be repaired. 

Is very hard to be vulnerable and trust, after such a bad experience.  But you're wanting to make it better, that alone is progress!

If you want to venture into a new relationship, I'll say to remember that person isn't to blame for someone else's mistakes Each person is a different story, no matter what.

Also allow yourself to take baby steps about it, and set boundaries with someone if needed.

[ForeverFluffy]

Okay! Trust issues! I have a lot of experience with that.

 

I think the best thing you can do is to not let it define future relationships (of any kind). If it's scary to trust someone, go slow and let the other person prove themselves worthy of trust. If you're resentful, learn to reconcile and move on. It's not wrong to be wary of oghers. You should protect yourself. But don't cut yourself off from the world. Don't constantly doubt others because you've been hurt in the past. Don't treat new people like old people who are no longer in your life.

[Guest Voidart]

Okay! Trust issues! I have a lot of experience with that.

 

I think the best thing you can do is to not let it define future relationships (of any kind). If it's scary to trust someone, go slow and let the other person prove themselves worthy of trust. If you're resentful, learn to reconcile and move on. It's not wrong to be wary of oghers. You should protect yourself. But don't cut yourself off from the world. Don't constantly doubt others because you've been hurt in the past. Don't treat new people like old people who are no longer in your life.

Huh. Thanks. 

 

How does one reconcile though? I mean, she's pretty much gone. 

 

I fully agree with the "You should protect yourself, not cut yourself off from the world". I am starting to understand that it is what i'm doing. The hurt makes all the people look the same. 

And I am not in a good spot. 

[SparkyShark]

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common story: well-meaning people being swept up and then discarded by irresponsible fucks who have  very little sense of loyalty or gratitude toward the people who have given them pieces of themselves... 

 

The short answer is that you may not find closure directly from the person who hurt you. They may not care enough to provide that for you. Ultimately, the closure has to come from yourself, and you must have the fortitude to look forward, gather yourself up, and move on.

 

It's important not to lose faith in people, and in yourself. It'll take some time, but people are nothing, if not resilient.

 

Those who truly love you will never leave you abandoned like that... and you will inevitably find a few people in your life who fit that description, if you're genuine. And don't be discouraged when I say "a few people." That's all you'll ever need.

 

 

You've got this, man.

[ForeverFluffy]

Huh. Thanks. 

How does one reconcile though? I mean, she's pretty much gone. 

I fully agree with the "You should protect yourself, not cut yourself off from the world". I am starting to understand that it is what i'm doing. The hurt makes all the people look the same. 

And I am not in a good spot.

 

Making peace with overwhelming negative emotions can prove difficult when you isolate yourself. Going to therapy has really helped me with my trust issues.

There's never going to be an answer to the question "Why did she do that?" that will make you feel better. There will never be a satisfactory answer. So don't torture yourself with those kinds of questions. They do not serve you.

So what do you do instead? Focus on self love and making peace with your past. If you constantly carry around that pain, it's gonna fester and ruin future relationships. Learning to let go of the paint and focusing on healing should be your goal.

[Guest Voidart]

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common story: well-meaning people being swept up and then discarded by irresponsible fucks who have  very little sense of loyalty or gratitude toward the people who have given them pieces of themselves... 

 

The short answer is that you may not find closure directly from the person who hurt you. They may not care enough to provide that for you. Ultimately, the closure has to come from yourself, and you must have the fortitude to look forward, gather yourself up, and move on.

 

It's important not to lose faith in people, and in yourself. It'll take some time, but people are nothing, if not resilient.

 

Those who truly love you will never leave you abandoned like that... and you will inevitably find a few people in your life who fit that description, if you're genuine. And don't be discouraged when I say "a few people." That's all you'll ever need.

 

 

You've got this, man.

Thoughtful, and very well put. Thank you.

 

Making peace with overwhelming negative emotions can prove difficult when you isolate yourself. Going to therapy has really helped me with my trust issues.

There's never going to be an answer to the question "Why did she do that?" that will make you feel better. There will never be a satisfactory answer. So don't torture yourself with those kinds of questions. They do not serve you.

So what do you do instead? Focus on self love and making peace with your past. If you constantly carry around that pain, it's gonna fester and ruin future relationships. Learning to let go of the paint and focusing on healing should be your goal.

If anything, you're right. I think i was blinded by a bit of confusion, hate and dare i say love.. 

I can see clearly now that the clouds have parted. Thanks for shining some clarity on my situation. 

 

The lies that have amounted to hills, are just unnecesary to climb in search for a reason as to why they exist. It's already obvious why they exist.

Me, being the naive person i am, trusted the reason that gave birth to the hills. No wonder it hurts to look for lies that were meant to hide you from them. I wasn't meant to find out after all. 

And now that I have, it becomes clearer. Damn. 

 

Again, thanks. It's time to start anew.