I need some perspective, please

[giraffodil]

I'm really, really struggling at the moment and could use some outside perspective and advice.

 

I have a very new (only around 2 week) relationship with my Daddy, although we've known each other for 18+ months. We fell into it accidentally; he was supporting me after the breakdown of my 14 month relationship with my old DD (we broke up almost 2 months ago now). I warned him from the beginning that I was needy and could be annoying and that I had an abandonment complex (stemming back to when my first DD ghosted me after 8 months). He said he could handle it, was very confident and honestly, seemed to be exactly what I needed. He made me feel like me again. He amazes me with how well he seems to understand what I need. Except...

 

I'm struggling very much with a lack of communication. Sometimes, it appears that we're having a conversation and then he disappears for hours on end. Some days there have only been a couple of messages. When he set a bedtime, I said that I understood he was very busy (he has family commitments some days and what seems like a stressful job with long days) but that it would be really helpful if he could maybe be around to say goodnight. He said he'd make sure of it and he was that night, but hasn't been since then.

 

It feels like he's pretty bad at communicating. He doesn't tell me if he isn't going to be around, so I find myself waiting around for him, even though I'm trying hard not to. The last couple of nights have been horrid. I would completely understand if he messaged me in the evening to say he was getting an early night or was busy or whatever, but that doesn't seem to have occurred to him. Instead, he stops talking mid conversation, I say goodnight a few hours later with no response and then don't hear from him until some point the next day.

 

I'm finding it very difficult to bring all this up with him. There seem to have been good reasons as to why he hasn't been in contact, and I don't want to be overdramatic and silly. It's just a small part of me wonders why I'm not worth the effort of a 5 second message. And that part of me just feels so worthless and stupid at a time where I'm already struggling a lot with my emotions.

 

Every time I feel like bringing it up with him seems like the wrong time, because there is a good reason for him to be out of contact and it makes me feel irrational. I understand that his level of communication is much different to what I'm used to, and I'm trying to readjust my expectations. I just don't know what to do. But it really hurts.

 

My emotions are sky high at the minute and I don't feel very capable of thinking things through rationally. I could really use some advice, please.

[Guest Errantlittlegirl]

Hi there. 

 

I'm the same with you on needing somewhat feasible levels of communication and it's understandable as to why anyone would appreciate a briefly written message as a forewarning from someone to know that they might be unvailable because otherwise, being left waiting around for someone and feeling expectant, can allow self-doubt to rear its ugly head and let all kinds of unwanted negative thoughts to creep in... which hurt. 

 

Are you really willing to negotiate your expectations if it makes you feel like this? Would it make you feel better if you did do that, in the long term? You deserve to feel understood and appreciated. 

 

You're definitely not silly or overdramatic for feeling how you feel, and unironically, you might have to communicate (again?) that you need to be reassured and are struggling with the lack of communication and perhaps work together to figure something that could address this? I hope this does not come across as unsolicited advice.

 

I really hope everything works out for you! Sending big hugs. 

Edited July 17, 2019 by Daisy02

[BigNutBrownHare]

Sorry you're feeling bad, but don't be too hard on yourself.  You said this is a new relationship. Whether your DD is doing his part depends on what you have agreed already - how often, when, how much etc.  Managing your own expectations is fine if you know (and have agreed) that is how it has to go

 

Equally.  Your DD has known you for 18 months.  Although his world has complications he agreed to take on the responsibility of a Little. Sounds like you were clear about your needs so he may need to make some adjustments to his default approach

 

At the moment my best advice is cut you BOTH some slack.  You have got together, now you work out your rules.  Littles can help us Daddys.  Respectfully pickup the points you want to raise (list them out to yourself - make sure you dont have same one five different ways!).  If you are clear in asking him (remember you LOVE hearing from him so no whining!), there are only so many excuses you or he can make if it doesn't happen.  You need to turn the shadows of past DDs that nag you into daylight.  It might be a bit bumpy, but it's better in the long run than chewing on a Stuffie.

 

BNBH

[Guest Christian324]

You need to share your feelings. He does seem distracted.

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

Guys will never know things until you tell them (tbh isn't this true to everyone?)

He might be distracted with his daily duties  , in his little world. Until you are honest and tell him how it bothers you, he'll have no clue and won't be able to change stuff!

Honesty and communication are very important. And so are your feelings. Remember that