I seriously doubt myself

[Guest Kittenprincessxo]

I spent the weekend with my caregiver. He's been very patient with me and allows me to move at my own pace when it come to caregiver/little stuff. It's been very difficult for me to call him my "daddy" or any other kind of name. I just haven't found one that I'm comfortable with and feels fitting.

So this past weekend, we decided to have a lunch date and got really drunk that night. He had a piece of ice and tried putting it on me. I know he was just being playful, but I told him not to. He kept trying and I told him "I said no (his name)." His response killed me: "I hate when you call me by my name."

I felt so triggered and went silent and slept in another room that night. He said he didn't remember saying that when I told him about it. He says he didn't mean to say that, but I know it's what he really feels.

I'm never going to be enough and I don't know if I could hate myself more than I do now.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to rant and didn't really know where else to go with this sh*t.

[MysticSand]

Don't feel bad about what happened. You were being truthful and holding your ground about boundaries which is important.

 

I understand the frustration but I think this is just a difference in expectations. Do you have a safe word? That may help in future instances when you're both just not realizing the other is in a different mindset.

 

Be careful not to discredit him by saying that "you'll never be enough." The only person that's directed to is yourself, because he seems to really care about you. I admire you for taking the time to figure things out so that you can ultimately both be comfortable; and I think he does too!

 

As a suggestion, how is a nickname based off of his name? It avoids the daddy/sir/CG titles but still shows affection without the formality of his actual name. Just a thought!

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

You did nothing wrong. The wrongdoing was his when he disrespected your boundaries. Never hate yourself for telling someone to stop doing something to you that you don't like. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. And the part where he said he hates it when you call him by his name is stupid. If he doesn't want you to call him his name then he should change it. Otherwise that's nonsense especially since he hadn't mentioned this before. Chin up, you did nothing wrong.

[Alaskan Daddy]

It is a good thing that you let out those feelings and emotions because you are with people who understand your struggles. As a daddy there is no greater joy as to when a little calls me 'daddy'. I feel your caregiver wants the same thing I would and was willing to be patient but he let the alcohol do his speaking, (not making excuses) He should have more gentle in his expression. 

Please don't give up on yourself. Your feelings are important and I believe your caregiver knows that. But at the time his feelings are important also and sometimes as caregivers we need to express ourselves in a non-hurtful manner. You did nothing wrong. If I was in the same situation I would not care what you called me because I would know how much I was appreciated.

I hope this helps and I hope you and your caregiver can find a way to get past this,

[Guest Kittenprincessxo]

Don't feel bad about what happened. You were being truthful and holding your ground about boundaries which is important.

 

I understand the frustration but I think this is just a difference in expectations. Do you have a safe word? That may help in future instances when you're both just not realizing the other is in a different mindset.

 

Be careful not to discredit him by saying that "you'll never be enough." The only person that's directed to is yourself, because he seems to really care about you. I admire you for taking the time to figure things out so that you can ultimately both be comfortable; and I think he does too!

 

As a suggestion, how is a nickname based off of his name? It avoids the daddy/sir/CG titles but still shows affection without the formality of his actual name. Just a thought!

I like the idea of a nickname based on his name, but it's a one-syllable name, so there's not much I could do about that. But thank you for the suggestion.

[Brother Bear]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Honestly, you should be able to call him by his name without him being triggered. I know he was drunk, but it's a little silly to expect people to not use your name when interacting with you. Haha

 

It's even more silly for him to expect someone to use an intimate name for him before you have reached that level in the relationship.

 

Don't feel bad about yourself or what happened. It's really not on you.

[Little kaiya]

I have a slightly different perspective to offer when it comes to the name issue.

 

First, the fact that he tried to keep putting ice on you when you said no, well, I agree that's an issue. People need to respect their partners boundaries period, alcohol isn't an excuse. Your situation is the perfect example of why safe words exist. Not much to add there other than he should have respected your wishes.

 

On to the more complex issue. You aren't ready to call him Daddy or something else that conveys a CG title or connotation. That's how you feel and it should be respected as well as your right to Express how you're feeling.

 

That said, he has the same right to express how he feels. He didn't try to force you to call him Daddy, he didn't put you down for not doing it, he didn't say you weren't enough. What he did do was express his feelings and opinion.

 

In a relationship I think it is so critical that partners can communicate openly and honestly. Certainly the how matters and in this case he did so without shaming or blaming and by using an I statement. Why should he not be allowed to Express how he feels? It wouldn't be right if people were saying you cant Express how you feel so why does the reverse seem to be ok?

 

After my Daddy collared me he told me he really preferred I call him Daddy versus his name. I was a bit uncomfortable doing so in public so we talked as a couple and found a solution, something we couldn't have done it he didnt feel comfortable sharing his feelings with me.

 

I'm sorry but this idea that he was in the wrong I dont think respects he has every much a right to express how he feels as you do. If he had tried to force you to b

call him Daddy before you were ready or was putting you down it would be different but he didn't, he just said how he felt.

 

Little kaiya

[Guest Kittenprincessxo]

I have a slightly different perspective to offer when it comes to the name issue.

First, the fact that he tried to keep putting ice on you when you said no, well, I agree that's an issue. People need to respect their partners boundaries period, alcohol isn't an excuse. Your situation is the perfect example of why safe words exist. Not much to add there other than he should have respected your wishes.

On to the more complex issue. You aren't ready to call him Daddy or something else that conveys a CG title or connotation. That's how you feel and it should be respected as well as your right to Express how you're feeling.

That said, he has the same right to express how he feels. He didn't try to force you to call him Daddy, he didn't put you down for not doing it, he didn't say you weren't enough. What he did do was express his feelings and opinion.

In a relationship I think it is so critical that partners can communicate openly and honestly. Certainly the how matters and in this case he did so without shaming or blaming and by using an I statement. Why should he not be allowed to Express how he feels? It wouldn't be right if people were saying you cant Express how you feel so why does the reverse seem to be ok?

After my Daddy collared me he told me he really preferred I call him Daddy versus his name. I was a bit uncomfortable doing so in public so we talked as a couple and found a solution, something we couldn't have done it he didnt feel comfortable sharing his feelings with me.

I'm sorry but this idea that he was in the wrong I dont think respects he has every much a right to express how he feels as you do. If he had tried to force you to b

call him Daddy before you were ready or was putting you down it would be different but he didn't, he just said how he felt.

Little kaiya

I don't think it was wrong for him to say how he felt. I simply wanted him to talk to me about this, rather than putting me on the spot while drunk. I always want him to talk to me and express himself. That's not the problem, it's the way he did it that bothers me.

And the ice thing is really not that big of a deal to me. It was just annoying, but there were no "boundaries crossed." We do have safe words. I did not feel it was necessary in this moment.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Please don't hate yourself for such a thing. You have every right to feel the way you do about it. And I assume that he already knew how you felt about calling him "Daddy" so it was insensitive/unfair for him to say that to you -- even if he was drunk. Rant away.