Your opinion? "Trusting-a-man-with-everything-thing"

[Breakingrules]

Hey! 

 

So, before I ask my question there's a little background story behind it. 

 

I grew up in a strict community, kinda sect-like. The men were in charge and as a girl I just had to listen to them. It was normal for me but when I was a teenager I saw the rest of the world was different. When I turned 14 I decided not to follow up orders anymore. Don't wanna talk about all the details but let me tell you, some rough years followed. When I was 16 I was sent to a boarding school, my parents (read: my father) hoped that I'll learn my lesson there buuuut I didn't. When I got back, I walked away, I've lived with my mothers family for two years after that. 

 

But now I'm almost 20 and I'm in a serious relationship with my Daddy. We're living together since a couple of months. He's some years older than I am and he takes care of me and I obey him. So yes, I'm back to listening to a man 24/7. :')

The first few months were great but a couple of weeks ago I got into a convo with someone I knew from my past. I told her about my "boyfriend", how he's older and how I live in his house and she had the fucking courage to tell me my father would be proud. That this is the life he wanted for me. And that I should be happy a man took me in after what I did, that I should obey him like a "good wife" and have his baby's asap... 

Yeahhh, girl, thats the plan but come on. 

 

I'm really fucking happy in my relationship. And I didn't mind or even thought about that ^. But tbh she made me doubt a whole lot. Maybe it's different this time because it's my choice to do so or maybe I'm just used to it rn? Like the first 14 years of my life went like that. Maybe it's just in my system. 

 

I do believe most (most, yes, most, not all of them) men are more capable on making big choices (apart from some exceptions) and should watch and care for their partners. But when I have to, I'm a independent young woman (who needs no man haha) who's really fucking capable and can take care of herself. 

 

I've talked about this with Daddy and he says its something I should figure out for myself. He told me he'll stand next to me, in front of me or behind me and he'll help with figuring it out if I want to. 

 

I know where I stand and what I believe in for the biggest part but somehow I'm scared that this, the whole trusting-a-man-with-everything-thing is something that's just in my system. Because I ran away from it and now I'm back at it again haha. 

 

Is there someone with the same experience? Or tell me your opinion about it.  

 

(if you're not comfortable talking about it on here, you can send me a friend request or a message xxx) 

 

(and I'm sorry for my bad english and my long ass story haha) 

[xBabydollx]

Some ppl desire traditional roles within their relationship. It could be because it's what their parents had and they was raised seeing that, or it could be their own desire leading them to it. Things being your choice now is probably why it feels so different, but it is likely that ur past influenced it. Even in ur words, u seemed fine to live a traditional life growing up, until u saw how the rest of the world was living and started to doubt it. Then again, u was fine and happy to live a traditional life with ur bf, until another outside force made u doubt it. I think there is a pattern. If the way you're living feels normal or makes u happy, don't worry about what other ppl are doing or what they think about it. This is ur life, do whatever floats ur boat. Even if ur past life has ingrained a 'traditional' mindset into u, would that be such a bad thing? u know where u stand, and what u believe in, now u just have to accept it I think. Personally, I like traditional roles as long as it is my choice and on my terms. If it was forced onto me, it would become unappealing. Nobody likes feeling forced or trapped into something. Even when it's something u like, feeling forced to do something changes the entire vibe. For example, it's like if u love helping ppl, it will feel different to genuinely help someone vs being forced to help them.

[Anna5]

Dude, your English isn't bad! And your post is really interesting.

 

I'm essentially going to reiterate what Babydoll has just said, but I'd already started thinking about my response, so I'm going to post my own reply anyway

 

I think it can be healthy and useful to reflect on where we are and think about the broader context of what our choices and situation might mean - but, honestly, it's also far, far too easy to over-analyze/second guess/take an overly clinical view, and end up basically talking ourselves out of things that just simply make us happy, for whatever reason.

 

And this is the key - are you happy? In the most simple, fundamental meaning of the word.

 

If you're doing things despite your better judgement, you probably shouldn't be doing them. But it sounds as though you've only started to have doubts/questions since this seed was planted.

 

And there is totally understandably a natural line of questioning when it comes to DDlg type stuff and issues with our actual fathers/father figures. God knows, I have in the past dissected things to death - chalked an awful lot up to abandonment and attachment issues. But you know what, I've realised that some of it may be relevant, and some of it might not. I guess it's kind of a nature versus nurture argument. But my personal feeling now is that, frankly, it doesn't matter - as long as I'm happy, my partners are happy, and no harm is being done to anyone.

 

You sound like you're intelligent and self-aware, and it also sounds as though you have a very loving and supportive relationship with your Daddy. So, if you have no significant cause for concern as far as your relationship goes in its own right, my advice is just to do it your way, enjoy it, and stay happy

[LittleTeacup]

Well as you said, you are capable of taking care of yourself independently when you need to be. You just choose to always take direction from your chosen man. You said he's significantly older than you, so he probably has a lot more world experience than you do. He also seems wonderfully supportive of whatever direction you choose to go.

 

I think there's nothing wrong with living your life the way you want. It makes you happy, so why attempt to change based on someone else's ideal? It's not like you're helpless and would be unable to handle an emergency without your daddy. Familiarity is comfortable. You grew up in a culture where women took direction from men and presumably didn't experience any abuse or negative associations with it, so you default to the same behavior as a comfort.

 

Continue to learn and grow and you might continue to surprise yourself! That's life.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

If it's your choice and it's what you want it's fine. I'm reminded of a Calvin & Hobbes strip where Calvin remarks that they don't know anything about snakes and Hobbes suggests getting a book and Calvin protests that it's summertime and he doesn't want to learn anything. Hobbes responds, "If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun," or something like that

[Breakingrules]

O my, thanks for all your long and kind answers! 

"but it is likely that ur past influenced it."  

Yeah, probably, but I dont know if its a bad thing. As long as I feel fine with it, its probably a good thing  

 

"f the way you're living feels normal or makes u happy, don't worry about what other ppl are doing or what they think about it. This is ur life, do whatever floats ur boat." 

And thank you, this made me really happy. I love the saying 'whatever floats your boat' haha. 

 

"Dude, your English isn't bad!" 

Thank you, thank you, youre making me blush! 

"You sound like you're intelligent and self-aware, and it also sounds as though you have a very loving and supportive relationship with your Daddy. So, if you have no significant cause for concern as far as your relationship goes in its own right, my advice is just to do it your way, enjoy it, and stay happy " 

<3 <3 <3 great advice. 

"You said he's significantly older than you, so he probably has a lot more world experience than you do. He also seems wonderfully supportive of whatever direction you choose to go." 

I think that's the reason why I fell for him. I had to figure out a lot of shit on my own and to have someone with more experience is great. His views on the world are different than mine but I love how we can discuss things like that. 

 

"Continue to learn and grow and you might continue to surprise yourself!" 

Thank you, this is... wise... And something I need to remember. 

 

"Calvin & Hobbes strip" 

Didnt knew them but looked them up, hahaha, and okay, yes, learning without force is great. 

 

Thanks for changing my view on this x

[MysticSand]

[Breakingrules]

Hahahah, though love from an internet stranger. its okay, I asked your opinion. 

 

"When you say that you can be an independent young woman without him, what does that mean? I ask this because you're 20 and in my experience, a truly independent 20-yr old is very rare (and suuuuper impressive!)" 

 

I meant this on the emotional area. Like... I mean, I have only 3/4 years experience in the "real world". But because I had to leave everything and anything, I want to be independent and I work hard on that. 

 

I think its so important to be independent before you give someone else the power. 

 

"How are bills divided now (if they are)?"

 

At the moment I moved into his big house, so the bills aren't divided equally. Next to that, he has a really fucking great job so sharing it 50/50 isnt an option. He wants me the spend my money on myself but I do pay 20% of the rent because I want to. And we share the rest kinda equally. As an easy example, when we go the cinema, he'll pay for the tickets and I'll buy the popcorn. When we do a roadtrip, he'll pay for the gas and Ill pay for the snacks. We pays for the expensive shit and I pay for the cheap shit, haha. 

 

"would you be okay to live/be on your own if suddenly he weren't in your life tomorrow? " 

 

I would. When I left my home and my parents, I had the crazy luck my aunt and her family took me in as if I was their own daughter. I loved living with my family, where they cared for me and give me the space and freedom to "invent" and get to know myself.  I've lived on my own for a few months. 

The scary part is that I love to lay my life in someone else their hands but I know, deeeep down, that life is shitty and things can break down in just a second. 

 

And thank you <3 

[MrPaulDavies]

What am interesting story. You seem to have discovered a twist on your traditional upbringing which suits you.

[BakedPotato]

It all comes down to one word. Choice. If its something you CHOOSE. Something you consent to, then live your life! Everyone else can fuck right off. (Pardon the language, but like seriously.) Anyome who starts off a sentence with "you should be lucky" needs to be cut off. I would blunty say something like, "I dont really like how your talking to me. Whether or not your opinions are valid, doesnt give you the right to disrespect me and hurt me with your words." Be blunt about someone being mean to you. They expect people to think they are just being ballsy and telling the truth. When in reality, theyre just being a nosey bully. Call em out, or at least just nod along and YEET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFEEEEE. GIRL YOU DO YOU. GET. IT. ❤❤❤❤ sounds like youve got a WONDERFUL supportive man. Hell yeah. <3 i wish you the best. You tell em youre strong and independent.❤❤❤❤

[Breakingrules]

It all comes down to one word. Choice.

 

Call em out, or at least just nod along and YEET THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFEEEEE. GIRL YOU DO YOU. GET. IT. ❤❤❤❤ sounds like youve got a WONDERFUL supportive man. Hell yeah. <3 i wish you the best. You tell em youre strong and independent.❤❤❤❤

I have a huge hangover, my eyes hurt while staring at the screen but THANK YOU. This means a lot.

 

And I'll YEEEEET them out of my life haha.