Need advice on a 6 year relationship

[Guest Lovely Little ♡]

I will try and explain this as best as I can. It's quite a long story so I will add the most important parts in. I'm looking for an outside perspective and some advice. I appreciate anyone taking their time to read this.

I've been in a relationship with my Daddy/Master for almost 6 years now. We are long distance, 250 miles apart. He is 34 I'm 23. We try and see eachother every month at maximum. We got into bdsm/ddlg about 3 years ago. Our relationship was amazing. However a couple of years ago we had quite a bad patch and he betrayed my trust with a friend of ours.
It really knocked my confidence and I became quite insecure and quite paranoid. It heightened my existing anxiety. Because I love him so much, It took a lot but I forgave him and we tried to move on. I would argue with him over petty things and I will admit, it created a dark time within our relationship. Eventhough I forgave him I couldn't forget it. I became quite bratty and tried to get his attention, I argued with him quite a lot and it caused Daddy a lot of stress, which I deeply regret and wish I could take back.

Fast forward to now, My Daddy/Master doesn't really seem interested in the bdsm/ddlg aspect anymore, only in the bedroom. I have tried countless times to talk about it, he always tells me he wants to be my Daddy but he just needs time, this has been going on for several months now. A lot of the time I try and talk about it he becomes really frustated at me and will act like I'm nagging at him. He has now got a new job and it takes up most of his time. Daddy would only message me a couple of times whilst he was at work. I understand he must be very busy at work but I knew he had a few breaks and he could message me, this was upsetting me and so I spoke to him about if he could message me a bit more on his breaks. He explains he simply does not have time and hes too busy. Is this too needy? I feel like I push him away by asking these things of him.
Recently, he told me he couldn't really get into Daddy space anymore. I have been trying to help him get into Daddy space. I send him drawings, colourings, pictures of me, writing to him. I was even thinking about making a cute little book! Is there anything else I can try and do to help him get back into Daddy space?

In the last few months, anytime I try and bring up any of this to him he becomes very upset with me and sometimes can get quite nasty. He will call me ridiculous, petty, pathetic. Tells me that he can't handle it anymore. It's got to the point where I am scared to even talk about things anymore, fearing an argument will occur due to me speaking out about my feelings.

I blame myself for why our relationship is at this point. All the arguments and toxicity that I caused after what happened I feel I pushed him away and I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him, he means everything to me but I feel quite lost.

[SpaceDoll]

just talk to the significant other. you arent going to find the advice online from strangers

[Little kaiya]

None of us can tell you what's going on in his head, only he can do that. I will offer a few observations for you to consider:

 

1) Ask yourself, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who calls you ridiculous, petty and pathetic JUST because you are looking to communicate with them about your relationship? Is that what you feel love and mutual respect looks like? I admit I fight with my Wife and my Daddy from time to time but I would NEVER cut them down like that, it isnt what you do to someone you love to me.

 

2) You can't force him into Daddy space, heck you can't even really help him into Daddy space, if that's not somewhere he wants to be. Whether it's stress or something else. If he has consciously or unconsciously decided that's not where he's at right now then that's how it will remain until he decides otherwise.

 

3) I dont know you or him but it sounds like although you may love him so much perhaps his feelings may have changed and it isn't reciprocal, only he can tell you one way or the other. Be sure though that you really do love HIM and not just the role he filled or that it isnt a fear of being single. A lot if people, especially I find in the DDlg community or kink communities, stat in relationships not out of love but because they feel any relationship is better than none.

 

4) Communication and work is tough, no doubt. Personally I recently got a promotion and I spend 5 to 7 hours of my days in meetings and I often miss both my breaks and lunch. My Daddy has told me he'd like to communicate throughout the day but understands why it's limited right now. It's similar to when he was in school and I didnt hear from him as much. That said, there are ways as a couple to address and overcome the issue. IF you BOTH want to overcome them together. If the desire or efforts are one sided the outlook isnt great.

 

Relationships involve two or more people so if they fall apart it's very rarely one person's fault. Talk to him and if nothing changes you need to decide if that the relationship you want to be in or if perhaps you're enduring it for someone who maybe no longer shares those feelings.

 

Little kaiya

Edited July 11, 2019 by Little kaiya

[DragonAllFather]

None of us can tell you what's going on in his head, only he can do that. I will offer a few observations for you to consider:

 

1) Ask yourself, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who calls you ridiculous, petty and pathetic JUST because you are looking to communicate with them about your relationship? Is that what you feel love and mutual respect looks like? I admit I fight with my Wife and my Daddy from time to time but I would NEVER cut them down like that, it isnt what you do to someone you love to me.

 

2) You can't force him into Daddy space, heck you can't even really help him into Daddy space, if that's not somewhere he wants to be. Whether it's stress or something else. If he has consciously or unconsciously decided that's not where he's at right now then that's how it will remain until he decides otherwise.

 

3) I dont know you or him but it sounds like although you may love him so much perhaps his feelings may have changed and it isn't reciprocal, only he can tell you one way or the other. Be sure though that you really do love HIM and not just the role he filled or that it isnt a fear of being single. A lot if people, especially I find in the DDlg community or kink communities, stat in relationships not out of love but because they feel any relationship is better than none.

 

4) Communication and work is tough, no doubt. Personally I recently got a promotion and I spend 5 to 7 hours of my days in meetings and I often miss both my breaks and lunch. My Daddy has told me he'd like to communicate throughout the day but understands why it's limited right now. It's similar to when he was in school and I didnt hear from him as much. That said, there are ways as a couple to address and overcome the issue. IF you BOTH want to overcome them together. If the desire or efforts are one sided the outlook isnt great.

 

Relationships involve two or more people so if they fall apart it's very rarely one person's fault. Talk to him and if nothing changes you need to decide if that the relationship you want to be in or if perhaps you're enduring it for someone who maybe no longer shares those feelings.

 

Little kaiya

 

I agree with all this. Communication is the key for all relationships, isn't it? 

 

Now, in my personal opinion, such a betrayal should be unforgivable. And I think that if you are having these issues while he is supposed to be taking care of you and understanding you, it's because he is doing something wrong. Don't blame yourself and look inside you to find what you really want. Letting something go after so many years hurts, but eventually, you will feel better and find someone who could really fulfill what you want and make you happy. Well, after all, relationships are about happiness even if there are some fights and troubles. But I think they are not worthy if they are mostly pain and stress. Don't stick to something just because it's the only thing you know. 

[APTX]

A relationship comes with arguments, that's just a part of it, but when your significant other starts to put you down like that and brings toxicity in the relationship, honestly would you call that still love and that he really cares about you?

I honestly don't think so, you're clearly at a point where you're probably feeling like you're walking on eggshells and you should realize you're just on a ship that's about to sink or already has sunk. No one will be happy in the end, neither you or him.

 

I see a pattern that you keep giving yourself reasons to stay with him and tolerate his behavior. I'm not saying you haven't done anything wrong, because to be honest, when it's clear you're unhappy you seem to be pushing him to be someone he isn't anymore or doesn't want to be. At this point you should've accepted that already and see how to move from here either with him or without him, but you didn't. On the other hand I don't approve his toxicity and how he treats his significant other either. I wouldn't have tolerated that myself, heck I would've already ended it the moment they broke my trust and did something unforgivable.

 

Honestly take care of yourself, ask your adult self if this is truly the future you want and need in your life. Don't let a relationship becomes where it mentally and physically drains you till you would end up in a hospital or worse.

[StellaBella]

This: "I am scared to even talk about things anymore, fearing an argument will occur due to me speaking out about my feelings." 

 

;-;

[Penny_June]

I'm very sorry for you, and it is hard to let things go, whether that means letting a partner go, or forgiveness itself.

 

In my humble opinion, the moment he betrayed your trust, he proved himself not to be the person you thought he was. You have done nothing wrong. All of the feelings you had were natural, and it sounds as if he has been spectacularly inept at dealing with them. The feelings you have, and they way they impact on him are all consequences of what he has done.

 

Please, do not allow him to make you feel guilt, shame or remorse. I'll say it again - you have done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

 

What you're holding onto right now is the idea of him, of who he was before all of this, and of who you were when you were with him. You are still that person. You are still all the good things you were before.

 

With regard to DDlg things, how can someone who does not take responsibility for their actions ever again hope to have that status with you, as someone to look up to, to admire and emulate, to be someone you allow to guide and teach you? I am no expert, but I should think it's very difficult if not impossible now, sadly.

 

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound to me as if he's rejecting you so much as those consequences. But that is not your fault, and it shouldn't be your burden. When you realise that, you'll know what to do.

 

I am sorry.

 

From how you describe your situation, though, I think there is a lot of hope for you. And someone will be very lucky at some point in the future.

[Aston]

it's dead, move on