Afraid of physically hurting the other

[DragonAllFather]

And not willing to do so. Not that I mean I would mentally hurt the other, never, but my concern is about the physical matter and how could it affect the bondage side of a ddlg relationship. 

 

When I first read about these kind of relationships, I felt relieved because it said the bondage was soft and a small part of it, not much more apart from spanking. But then I explore this world deeper and I find all sort of stronger things. And while I understand and respect that it's good while there is consent (and I won't judge other people's life anyway) I can't see myself perfoming something stronger than the spanking mentioned before. I do understand that the punishments are much more than that, of course, but I'm afraid of that side and I wonder if I will ever find a little with the same thoughts. 

Of course, one of the most amazing things of this world if its great variety, so I'm not losing my hope yet!

But let us go to the beginning. I wondered why this fear, so I dug into my soul and my memories and I found the answer: a trauma. Always the traumas! Well, when I was a teenager, trapped in a storm of depression, self-hatred, sadness and anger, I hurt someone. I was playing a videogame with a cousin and a friend, and my cousin was constantly beating me and teasing me, until I got enraged, I jumped on him and I punched his belly again and again. Really, I felt very embarrased and sorry after doing so and he forgave me, but I never forgot what I did and I strictly promised myself not to hurt another person ever again. I can say I have achieved it! But it costed me this fear. 

Is it a problem? No, except when I'm practicing karate, since I should hit my partners when we practice that. And while they hit me (and no, I don't find any pleasure in it) my fist or my foot automatically stops before touching them. Most of the times. I have hit them in other ocasions, of course, but only when they asked me to do so. 

But I'm thinking that it could be a problem in Ddlg, although I hope I'm wrong. My other duties as a daddy are clear to me and everytime I imagine myself having this kind of relationship I love it more and more, but I'm afraid this issue is going to close many doors for me. 

Thoughts? 

Edited July 10, 2019 by DragonAllFather

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

Hai hai

 

I'm really sorry that you had that scary moment of anger. Good job on keeping to not hurting others! It is kind of needed for karate, but I get it, I took karate for a while and never put my full strength behind it for fear of hurting another person or reacting in anger.

 

Anyway on to your question! We littles that don't need the heavier side of punishments or sexual kinks are around. We're the softer under current of Ddlg. I think the more intense/physically painful side of Ddlg is more apparent because this is a form of bdsm. Those that like the intensity are simply more out spoken about those desires. Personally, I don't want to ruin someone else's post by popping in and talking about what I rather not do on a post that is geared towards punishments loving, praising, ykwim.

 

Also, some people come in with a set expectations of heavy spankings, typical submissive or slave punishments and mindsets. Don't mean any disrespect, however a good majority of people are new to the lifestyle and bdsm as a whole. They probably haven't participated in some of the things they list - they're more desires than actually doings. Please no one come at me to defend yourself, if you have experience then I'm not including you in what I just said.

 

For those people who come in ready for the experience of learning about Ddlg and bdsm they need time to mellow into their own desires. You're just a step ahead in knowing what you want without this compromise, stick to it. Being true to yourself won't close any doors for you here. You are a unique and beautiful person. The little and the relationship you desire are also special and one of a kind. For those reasons it takes a bit more longer and more shifting until you find the right match. You'll get what you want with patience.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Ebony Fruit Bat

[Ebony Fruit Bat]

One more. My first year in learning about ddlg I ran into the post below.

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4173-punishment-necessary/

 

I still nod my head I agreement to most of it. Facing the honest truth, breaking rules is tempting, harsh punishments, and play are tempting for many people - especially brats which tend to be masochist. So, you might have to figure out what type of little you have first and see if the little can tolerate only getting softer punishments. Just make it crystal clear what type of interaction you want. Ddlg has a large enough group of individuals, you're bound to find those that want you and respect your pledge to not harm another person.

[DaddyDom3238]

Hi,

I have been a Daddy/Dom and have lived the lifestyle for over 10 years and I think often times I have found people that are new to the community have thoughts as to what it means to be involved in the DDLG/BDSM world and how that works in their relationship dynamic. You have no issues at all, what you have is a limit to what you are willing to do as far as punishment, spanking or hitting goes. It seems that what you have described is one of your limits, we all have them in this community. Some just have more extreme limits, I adapt to the little/sub I am with and discuss their limits with them prior to starting any sort of relationship with them. 

I have had little/subs in the past that didn't like anything more then being spanked, while I have had others that like me to punish and beat them until they are bruised and battered at my feet. It all depends on your dynamic and never feel badly about what brought you to where you are. I wish you the best and the only advice I can give is do not overthink it and do what feels natural for you as there are people in the community that are all over the spectrum as to what they want, need and desire.

[Little kaiya]

Punishment is a very interesting thing and it depends very much on the couple. For my Daddy he is not comfortable spanking me or making me write lines because of his history and backgrounds. That said, one of his methods to correct my behavior is biting the back of my neck under my collar HARD, like almost or even to the point of drawing blood. He also will use my leash to correct my behavior if I am out of line and it can sometimes be more intense than a spanking.

 

I raise this because what some might consider an easy punishment could be a "hurtful" punishment and vice versa.

 

I think what's most important is communication between those involved. Punishment should correct behaviour which may or may not involve pain but if it is consensual it is less about hurting someone and more about expressing a consensual power exchange.

 

Little kaiya

[LittleTeacup]

When I first read about these kind of relationships, I felt relieved because it said the bondage was soft and a small part of it, not much more apart from spanking. But then I explore this world deeper and I find all sort of stronger things. And while I understand and respect that it's good while there is consent (and I won't judge other people's life anyway) I can't see myself perfoming something stronger than the spanking mentioned before. I do understand that the punishments are much more than that, of course, but I'm afraid of that side and I wonder if I will ever find a little with the same thoughts. 

Of course, one of the most amazing things of this world if its great variety, so I'm not losing my hope yet!

 

I'm one of those littles who doesn't want harsh punishments. I'm not too into punishments at all, which is ok because I'm not a brat. I want a nurturing caregiver who is more cuddly than dominating. Maybe sometimes I'll need a time out if I'm bouncing off the walls, or I'll need to be restrained in my caregiver's big hug until I calm down. Now, this doesn't mean I'm completely averse to pain. It would just have to be presented as something I will take because I'm good and trust my caregiver.

 

There are definitely other littles like me. Soft good girls/boys who get satisfaction from being good for you and don't break rules often (or for whom the rule list is very short or even nonexistent anyway). Just be upfront about your desires and limits so any littles looking for harsher punishments know you're incompatible right away. We're all different!

[DragonAllFather]

One more. My first year in learning about ddlg I ran into the post below.

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/4173-punishment-necessary/

 

I still nod my head I agreement to most of it. Facing the honest truth, breaking rules is tempting, harsh punishments, and play are tempting for many people - especially brats which tend to be masochist. So, you might have to figure out what type of little you have first and see if the little can tolerate only getting softer punishments. Just make it crystal clear what type of interaction you want. Ddlg has a large enough group of individuals, you're bound to find those that want you and respect your pledge to not harm another person.

Thank you so much for sharing that thread, although it leaves a doubt on me. If caregiver and little enjoy the spanking, what punishment would it be? I can't determine yet where the line between the game/fun and the seriousness ends, so I've been thinking about that for a while. Anyway, I keep these words from what you said: to have it crystal clear. It's so true that this group of people has a large diversity and that's one of the things I'm liking the most

 

Hi,

I have been a Daddy/Dom and have lived the lifestyle for over 10 years and I think often times I have found people that are new to the community have thoughts as to what it means to be involved in the DDLG/BDSM world and how that works in their relationship dynamic. You have no issues at all, what you have is a limit to what you are willing to do as far as punishment, spanking or hitting goes. It seems that what you have described is one of your limits, we all have them in this community. Some just have more extreme limits, I adapt to the little/sub I am with and discuss their limits with them prior to starting any sort of relationship with them. 

I have had little/subs in the past that didn't like anything more then being spanked, while I have had others that like me to punish and beat them until they are bruised and battered at my feet. It all depends on your dynamic and never feel badly about what brought you to where you are. I wish you the best and the only advice I can give is do not overthink it and do what feels natural for you as there are people in the community that are all over the spectrum as to what they want, need and desire.

 

Hi! I'm very new to this world and I know I have a lot to learn before even getting into a relationship, so I appreciate your words. It seems that my limits are clear at least, so I will just have to find a little with the same limits I guess. Thank you for your good desires, and I will try not to overthink much, although that's one of my specialties in life

 

 

Punishment is a very interesting thing and it depends very much on the couple. For my Daddy he is not comfortable spanking me or making me write lines because of his history and backgrounds. That said, one of his methods to correct my behavior is biting the back of my neck under my collar HARD, like almost or even to the point of drawing blood. He also will use my leash to correct my behavior if I am out of line and it can sometimes be more intense than a spanking.

 

I raise this because what some might consider an easy punishment could be a "hurtful" punishment and vice versa.

 

I think what's most important is communication between those involved. Punishment should correct behaviour which may or may not involve pain but if it is consensual it is less about hurting someone and more about expressing a consensual power exchange.

 

Little kaiya

 

I agree with what you say about communication, and I've been aware since the first moment I read about ddlg I know I can't start this relationship with a previous time of knowing the other person to see if we connect and check our limits and more. This make this thing even more interesting for me, though the matter about punishment still confuses me a bit

 

 

I'm one of those littles who doesn't want harsh punishments. I'm not too into punishments at all, which is ok because I'm not a brat. I want a nurturing caregiver who is more cuddly than dominating. Maybe sometimes I'll need a time out if I'm bouncing off the walls, or I'll need to be restrained in my caregiver's big hug until I calm down. Now, this doesn't mean I'm completely averse to pain. It would just have to be presented as something I will take because I'm good and trust my caregiver.

 

There are definitely other littles like me. Soft good girls/boys who get satisfaction from being good for you and don't break rules often (or for whom the rule list is very short or even nonexistent anyway). Just be upfront about your desires and limits so any littles looking for harsher punishments know you're incompatible right away. We're all different!

And you give me hope! The littles as I prefer exist and that's great x) I will be honest with my desires since I see myself as a nurturing, guide and protector caregiver rather than a very dominating one. Most of the times, of course. But, well, I still have a lot to define!