Healing from Abuse/Do I need to forgive?

[LittlePupRune]

TW: mental/emotional abuse, panic attacks, suicide attempt

 

Guess this is more of a rant. About a year ago I left a partner of mine because I believed they were mentally and emotionally abusive. We had been together for four years and they were my little and collared submissive. It hurt like hell but I was reaching a point where I’d almost have a panic attack at the thought of visiting them. I felt used and I was starting to take the rose coloured glasses off and seeing all the manipulation. Unfortunately when I explained what I saw wrong in the relationship they brought up that it was my doing, that I was abusive and a narcissist. Initially I tried staying friends, saying that I still cared for them, but I ended up cutting off all ties after they blamed me for their SI and attempt. In the end they ended up explaining that they should’ve listened to their other partner from the get go (the same partner they cheated on me with then guilted me into being poly), invalidated my gender, accused me of grooming them, and other such accusations. I keep coming back to the whole situation and feeling a mess of emotions, guilt, anger, distress, vengefulness, loss, etc. I never got closure, they never acknowledged any of what I had brought up, never took responsibility, and rather brought up all the ways in which it could have been me instead. I keep hoping to get some acknowledgement somehow, something to give me closure but everything just opens up old wounds. I thought I needed to forgive them in order to move on but I just can’t do it. Part of me wants them to be held accountable, because I still question myself if maybe I had made it all up (as was their favourite accusation, that my new friends were planting suggestions) and maybe it was my fault and maybe I am a horrible person. But I highly doubt that’ll ever happen as I have never seen them take responsibility. So I guess now I’m just feeling stuck in a loop.

[Guest PrincessSparkles35]

I understand what you mean by being in a loop. I am a sexual abuse survivor from my foster parents

I dealt with sexual and emotional abuse from them. To this day I have trust issues and can get triggered from watching news of others experiencing trauma. What I'm saying is I finally got to a point where I forgave them. It wasn't easy and no I don't have answers that I wanted but I had to do it for me. I slowly began to realize there was something seriously wrong with them not me.

 

You are not responsible for someone else's choices and decisions. You may never get the answers you seek but when you are ready you should forgive them and know that you are not the cause of their issues they are dealing with. You are a person and deserve love and respect and kindness too.

[Penny_June]

Nothing make someone question themselves and their judgement more than abuse. I'm sorry for what you went through.

 

When you are ready, forgive them for your own sake, because when you do then you can move on. Unfortunately, sometimes in life, there will never be justice or accountability for the actions of others. You can only be responsible for yourself, and you are okay.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Forgiveness (or not) is your choice. It doesn't matter whether you think they deserve it or not. It doesn't matter whether they take responsibility for their actions or not. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters is, are you willing to forgive? No one else can make that choice for you. If you'll be upset and angry at them every time you think about what they did, you're not ready to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what they did (which does sound abusive and manipulative) or that it was right-it means letting it go. Can you let it go? [Let it go, can't hold you back anymore, let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door...] Edited July 9, 2019 by Daddy-Tom

[DaddyDom3238]

Hi,

Forgiveness is a reflection of your desire and ability to move on, that will not happen quickly in many cases. I am sorry that you went through this, the only things you can control are your actions, effort, and your reactions to how people behave towards you. People that you are describing are the problem, you are not the problem, your feelings are totally valid and unfortunately this person is going to be in a cycle where they never take accountability for their actions as they are to weak to do so. People like that are only hiding from their insecurities when they treat someone like they did you, channel your anger and frustration in another way, write, work out, meditate, do whatever you can to exhaust your mind and body where you do not think of them any longer and soon enough you won't.  

[Guest PrincessSparkles35]

Hi,

Forgiveness is a reflection of your desire and ability to move on, that will not happen quickly in many cases. I am sorry that you went through this, the only things you can control are your actions, effort, and your reactions to how people behave towards you. People that you are describing are the problem, you are not the problem, your feelings are totally valid and unfortunately this person is going to be in a cycle where they never take accountability for their actions as they are to weak to do so. People like that are only hiding from their insecurities when they treat someone like they did you, channel your anger and frustration in another way, write, work out, meditate, do whatever you can to exhaust your mind and body where you do not think of them any longer and soon enough you won't.

 

I really like what you said. Especially about exhaust your mind and body. It truly does help. When I start feeling down cleaning the house a lot and writing/reading does help.

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

Short answer: no.

Longer answer: You don't have to forgive BUT also don't hold hanger towards that person. Mainly because will destroy you in the long run (been there, is hell).

For your sake and happiness, focous on your recovery. Healing from it, relying on a good support system, and if you feel ok to then talk about your experience to other abuse survivors.

The fact you went through so traumatic and you're doing your best, only shows how strong you are. So you can and will heal. Just don't forget how strong you are, how you're a fighter, how nothing of this is your fault. And don't give that bastard the satisfaction of you being in pain. You can do it

[prince eefy]

no, ur absolutely not required to forgive them!!!! if they hurt you, it's okay to not forgive them. but i do recommend tryin to go on a path of recovery, from what you went through. try to find a good support system that will be there for u. it's hard. but recovery is worth it in the long run.

[LittlePupRune]

Thank you everyone for your input (I know this is super late) its been very helpful. I've been working through this with the help of therapy, friends, and my Sir. 

[Guest RebeliousBrat]

I understand that this is an old post. You do need to forgive them. It sounds unfair to forgive people who hurt us and traumatized us but we still have to forgive them because if you don't you will have a hard time moving on. And forgiveness doesn't happen over night you don't have to forgive them immediately It takes time your heart will one day say I am ready to forgive them you will see. I pray that You have closure and feel at peace. being abused manipulated and lie to is a painful way of life it took me 11 years to realize that. You Are important and deserve to live happily.

[LittlePupRune]

I understand that this is an old post. You do need to forgive them. It sounds unfair to forgive people who hurt us and traumatized us but we still have to forgive them because if you don't you will have a hard time moving on. And forgiveness doesn't happen over night you don't have to forgive them immediately It takes time your heart will one day say I am ready to forgive them you will see. I pray that You have closure and feel at peace. being abused manipulated and lie to is a painful way of life it took me 11 years to realize that. You Are important and deserve to live happily.

 

So I have not forgiven them, because that absolves them of their responsibility for what they did, but I have moved passed it and let it go so to speak. I am "at peace" I guess if we're using that phrasing, but it was done without any closure because that is something they will not voluntarily give me nor am I going to reach out to them at all. I haven't had contact with them in two years and its probably for the best at this point. Thanks for your advice tho.

[MJA78]

emotional abuse is a tough one especially if it comes from one or both of your parents. My dad pretty much destroyed me with emotional abuse well into adulthood. I'm still working on trying to forgive him. He passed away 4 years ago.

[Guest RebeliousBrat]

So I have not forgiven them, because that absolves them of their responsibility for what they did, but I have moved passed it and let it go so to speak. I am "at peace" I guess if we're using that phrasing, but it was done without any closure because that is something they will not voluntarily give me nor am I going to reach out to them at all. I haven't had contact with them in two years and its probably for the best at this point. Thanks for your advice tho.

It sounds like you found the peace you needed that is good my way of doing things is very different from other people. But your way seems to work great for you that's what really matters. Anyone who has been toxic I would never recommend to reach out to them unless they decide to reach out to you it is up to a you if want to answer or not. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. As Far as I'm concern I have learned that there are people there you just can't talk to Because it's not beneficial. It sounds like you have found your way and as long as it works for you that's good.

[Guest RebeliousBrat]

emotional abuse is a tough one especially if it comes from one or both of your parents. My dad pretty much destroyed me with emotional abuse well into adulthood. I'm still working on trying to forgive him. He passed away 4 years ago.

I'm sorry to hear that our parents are supposed to make us feel safe And loved.

[Guest RebeliousBrat]

I like what everyone has to say about this topic it has opened my eyesAnd heart to understanding Others and their way of handling abuse.

[quietlittlepixie]

Hello! I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you, and I wish I could give you a big ol hug (with consent of course)! 

 

I struggled with this concept of if I forgive my past abusers as well, and in therapy, talking with friends etc., I've figured out that it really depends on the situation, the person, and what transpired. Trauma is not something to mess around with, and unfortunately with some of it, we can carry it around with us for the rest of our lives.

 

But with the topic of forgiveness, that is entirely up to you, as someone said above! Forgiving may help, but at the same time it also might not be completely necessary. That's the wonderful thing about having ones own autonomy, is that no one else but you can decide that for yourself, and though some people may highly suggest it in order to move on, cope etc., it is wrong of anyone to force that onto someone else. 

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, a friend, help, etc. Don't hesitate to friend me and send me a message! I wish you all the amount of good luck, and happiness. 

Edited January 27, 2021 by quietlittlepixie