Advice

[mommyshark]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this seeing as I'm new to the forums and I also never thought it would come to this point but I need some advice on a few things.

 

My little and I are in a platonic non-sexual MDLB long distance relationship. Like any other ddlg/mdlb relationship, we have a set of rules I would like him to follow and if he rounds up enough points by the end of the week, he can choose a reward of his choice. Here is where I need some advice on this topic. Some of his rules include not the skipping the bedtime schedule we agreed on (which is midnight for weekdays), keeping his room clean and not being bratty/cheeky (mommy doesn't like it when her little is bratty, especially when he tells her she's not his boss) and... He breaks those rules all the time, every week, almost 3-4 days during the week.

 

When I tell him he can't break the rules, he tells me being cheeky is his personality and he can't help it or how he isn't tired at bedtime and it's not his fault or how he's naturally a messy person and can't keep his room clean. It has gotten to the point where I ask him for photos of his room every day just to make sure he's following the rule of keeping his room clean. I have tried to have a conversation with him, but he either changes the subject, gets upset or gets defensive and again, says he isn't tired/it's his personality/he's naturally a messy person. Of course, I give him a warning and then a punishment for his behavior. He says how he doesn't want me to be strict on him, but at this point I don't know what to do about him not following the rules that have been in place for 7 months.

 

The other thing I need advice on is: his jealousy and him being in littlespace/pet space constantly. Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with him being in little/pet space often because he enjoys it and I like seeing him be happy, but I can't even have an adult conversation with him at all. Whenever I try to pull back a bit to have an adult to adult conversation, he ignores me and the question and continues to go off into his baby boy/kitten world. From the time he gets up until the time he settles down for bed, it's just MDLB. He gets grumpy when I don't give him attention when I'm studying or helping someone else with something and will demand mommy plays with him so he gets my full undivided attention. I'm a university student going through finals and I'm a translator online, but he'll be so into little/pet space that I can't finish what I have to do because I need to take care of him.

 

His jealousy is a bit... concerning. He has a mental illness that makes him think differently with the fear of abandonment which I completely understand and help him with, but he gets jealous whenever I talk to another friend other than him, make a new friend online through similar interests or give anyone else attention. I reassure him with multiple things he's worried about (top one being me gaining or picking up another sub, he wants to be the only one I'm taking care of) but sometimes it's frustrating. There are even many discussions on this site I'd like to join and make other mommy/dom or even sub/little friends that are part of the same community but if he found that out, he'd be upset.

 

We've been friends for 9 years before we decided to start up a MDLB relationship with each other so I know him extremely well but I just need some advice because I honestly don't know what to do.

[Guest BabyRyRy]

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. It seems to me to be very disrespectful to you that he's agreed to these rules and is just ignoring them and is also not willing to listen to you or even have an adult conversation. Communication is so important for any type of relationship, but even more so for one in this lifestyle. The jealousy isn't really healthy for him or for you either. It sounds like the two of you have very different expectations and wants out of the relationship. You two need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about expectations, boundaries, respect, and how all of this is making you feel. If he isn't willing to have that conversation then I honestly don't think there's anything you can do. In order for there to be any change or improvement both partners have to be involved and willing. If he's not willing to talk about it and try to work it out, it may be the best choice to take a break from the relationship. It's not fair to you what is happening and it's not good for your mental health to have to deal with that frustration and stress all the time. Try to have a conversation and work it out with him first, stress how important this is. But if he won't listen, do what's best for your own health and sanity.

[Little kaiya]

The situation you described is concerning from a couple of different perspectives, primarily his refusal to engage in an adult to adult conversation.

 

Relationships whether they are DMlb or DDlg are between two consenting adults. They require communication, mutual respect trust and reciprocity which all seem to be lacking based on your description. You describe a series of interactions which seem all about him but don't take into account or respect your wants and needs as an equal partner.

 

You've mentioned three distinct issues so I'd like to address each of them individually.

 

1. Rules - if he refuses to respect the rules then there is no point in having them. Rules should be agreed upon by BOTH parties and then respected. Caregivers shouldn't be unilaterally settings rules in my view and the little (generically used to represent the other role) shouldn't be ignoring them. It is possible he breaks the rules to get attention but if so then he needs to communicate that motivation. Personally, I'd suggest revisiting your rules together as adults, ehi leads to your second and VERY concerning point.

 

2. 24/7 and refusal to be an adult - that is a choice on his part and his refusal to do so certainly is disrespectful if you have told him it's an issue. The fact his refusal is impacting your ability to finish what you need to really drives home the point. It sounds less like you have a relationship and more like he is using you to fulfill his needs. It doesn't sound like your wants or need are discussed or respected. That said, you need to decide what you want. He cant force you to stay so the fact of the matter is you are choosing to stay and enable his behaviour of using you.

 

3. Jealousy - I also cringe when I hear that word because it bespeaks a profound lack of trust in one's partner. The fact you feel you cant join in on conversations on a web forum is worrying. It feels like his jealousy is encouraging you to isolate yourself which isnt AT ALL healthy. It is not up to you to constantly reassure and validate him. He IS an adult and needs to be able to behave that way when required.

 

Ultimately it sounds like you both need a VERY serious ADULT to ADULT conversation. If you stress how important it is and he still refuses then it kind of speaks to the fact he cares only about his needs and not yours. Honestly, it sounds like you are being used to fulfill his fantasies / a role versus being viewed as a loved and valued partner.

 

Little kaiya

[Ikneelonly4Daddy]

Ok... so what they said ^^^.

 

And

 

I expect to be treated with respect and to be in a relationship with a responsible adult. We all have struggles. Many people including myself have mental health challenges. Being compassionate and gentle and understanding are important but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with a lot of crap.

 

i Think if it were me I would tell him that this is the last chance to have an adult conversation. If he still balks then say goodbye. I think your life would be forever changed if you expected - INSISTED to be treated with respect and dignity and not as a doormat.

 

He sounds manipulative and toxic. Run.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Sounds like the manipulative behavior I have sometimes seen when working with children who have special needs. Sometimes they are much more capable than they let on, they simply want everything done for them. This is clearly the case here

[Anna5]

Sounds like the manipulative behavior I have sometimes seen when working with children who have special needs. Sometimes they are much more capable than they let on, they simply want everything done for them. This is clearly the case here

Dude, I kind of get what you're trying to say, but why you would specifically draw a parallel with children with additional learning needs here is beyond me. All children, and adults, have the capacity to manipulate situations to their own ends in such a way, and plenty without ALNs (obviously) do so.

 

 

 

But anyway, OP, I totally agree with most of what's been said already here - it sounds an awful lot like this guy is manipulating things to an unacceptable extent, and seems to be making the mistake of interpreting your role as Caregiver to mean that you're the only one who has to actually 'care' for the other. I think it's unfortunately way more common than it should be that things like this happen - when one or more parties fixates on the essentially superficial/generic role they expect the other to play, while completely disregarding the individuality and wellbeing of the other person/people in such a dynamic.

 

You sound extremely caring and genuinely concerned with this guy's wellbeing. But at the same time, if you're honest with yourself, do you think either of you are really happy? It's highly unlikely that he's going to be able to get on in life being that self-absorbed, mental health issues or not, and it's arguably not a sustainable expectation, so he is pretty much bound to end up hurt if he carries on like this. And likewise, I'm sure you don't intend to live the rest of your life this way. I don't think you'd be posting here if you did (and, frankly, rightly bloody so - you should not have to sacrifice your wellbeing and success in such a way for anybody).

 

I would personally suggest that you need to put the ball firmly in his court - if he is prepared to interact with you as an adult to allow you even the slightest chance of rectifying this situation (if you're sure that's what your truly want), then great, that's a start. But if he isn't, well, then I would just say, tough - stick to your guns, and hold out (for as long as you see fit) for the adult conversation that you know full well he is capable of - or simply close this chapter of your life, and try to rebuild and focus on yourself and your own wellbeing for a while.

 

I hate to sound harsh, I hope I don't come across overly so. I know addressing this is far, far more easily said than done, and I know you need support right now - but there are clearly people here who will be more than willing to offer it. But the truth is, your Little should be a big source of support for you - and right now it seems like the total opposite is the case.

 

I honestly wish you so much luck in trying to deal with this situation. Take care of yourself.