Did I do the right thing?

[Guest littlebabyslittlespace]

I fell out with a very close friend today. I'm pretty much the only friend he had. But for nearly a year now the friendship has been very one sided. He never contacts me first, I've been trying to meet up for a year and he always either doesn't cancel but ghosts me or he cancels the night before. He never asks how I am or is there for me, he never does anything. Every aspect of our friendship was always me. I'd stay up until six am with him most nights yet he can't come online for five minutes for me. Today was the day I spoke to him about it, and he immediately started guilting me and coming up with excuses. I told him I understand he's got anxiety and depression and that he works, but I can't stay in a one sided friendship. He got angry and was all 'sorry I'm not good enough sorry I'm never enough'. I just blocked him. I didn't message him for a woe is  me conversation, I messaged him to sort it out. He's clearly not gonna listen or try to resolve it. He said 'sorry that every time I reached out it was never good enough' but he hasn't reached out since August last year when we last met up. Did I do the right thing by cutting it off? I'm not too great mentally myself and I need to put myself first, this friendship was very damaging for me.

[Guest countlieberkuhn]

He sounds like he's got quite a toxic mentality, which admittedly can be brought on by the depression.  Depending on how strong your friendship had been previously, I think a hard cut-off may be a bit harsh, but if you've never really been close then I think it's ok.  I've done this before - at some point you need to decide that someone is NOT solely your responsibility, if they give nothing in return except toxicity.  

The best thing you can do is just leave it in a state where if he genuinely wants help and will reciprocate friendship then you will be there for him, but make it clear that you won't be instigating future communications.  It has to be on him to do it.

[Guest Shaun!!!]

You have done nothing wrong, so please really don't feel bad about it. Yes he was your friend but also the cancer in you life ....

[Guest Daizy]

I think you were right. 

 

If your friend was upsetting you, I think you were right in setting space between you both. Your friend might have a mental health problem, but you need to look after your mental health too.

 

Your friend possibly needs the type of help that comes from a qualified doctor or psychologist, and I think it's really unfair to expect you to act as the doctor/psychologist in the relationship. Sometimes people in really tough situations are out of our depth to take care of - no matter how much we want to help them. And from my experience, trying to look after a person that needs qualified help can put huge strain on a person. It can also lead to a lot of guilt. 

 

Hopefully one day your friend will improve and then the friendship can go back. But that's up to you to decide.

[Alaskan Daddy]

You should not feel guilty about what you did. The relationship was very one-sided and those types of relationships can be very draining for people like you.

This does not make your friend a bad person, it just means that you and him were not compatible as friends. It sounds like you put a lot of time, love and energy into the friendship and was getting nothing in return. I know your feelings of guilt are real, but you have feelings and needs and desires that  he was not willing to meet. The advice I would give you most is that your feelings matter.

I hope you can sort this out in your heart and realize it is not wrong to put your feelings on equal footing as your friends.

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

I fell out with a very close friend today. I'm pretty much the only friend he had. But for nearly a year now the friendship has been very one sided. He never contacts me first, I've been trying to meet up for a year and he always either doesn't cancel but ghosts me or he cancels the night before. He never asks how I am or is there for me, he never does anything. Every aspect of our friendship was always me. I'd stay up until six am with him most nights yet he can't come online for five minutes for me. Today was the day I spoke to him about it, and he immediately started guilting me and coming up with excuses. I told him I understand he's got anxiety and depression and that he works, but I can't stay in a one sided friendship. He got angry and was all 'sorry I'm not good enough sorry I'm never enough'. I just blocked him. I didn't message him for a woe is  me conversation, I messaged him to sort it out. He's clearly not gonna listen or try to resolve it. He said 'sorry that every time I reached out it was never good enough' but he hasn't reached out since August last year when we last met up. Did I do the right thing by cutting it off? I'm not too great mentally myself and I need to put myself first, this friendship was very damaging for me.

His excuses were totaly BS. Very one sided and toxic mentality. 

Also as someone who has anxiety and depression, what he said is actually disgusting. Is not an excuse to just dump your friends.

Truly sorry for your situation!

You did your very best, you put alot of effort and he did zero. So don't feel guilty <3

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Hell yeah you did the right thing. Is it any surprise this dude has no friends? Who'd want that kind of friend? In Greece they have a saying "We don't need therapists, we have friends" but that's bullshit. Some people need professional help

[DarkSouls]

[LittleTeacup]

Look, I have anxiety, but I would never guilt my friends like that if they brought up a concern about something I'm doing. I might be upset, but I'd apologize and at least try to fix whatever it is. The "sorry I'm not enough" is a guilt trip meant to make you feel bad.

 

Give him some time to calm down and think about it, then maybe wait and see if he contacts you with a real apology and an effort to be a better friend. Otherwise, he's not such a great friend. I have a friend who I've been seeing a little more frequently lately since he got a new job, but until a few months ago, I hadn't seen him in practically a year. He had weird work hours and wanted to sleep when he was off and was probably a bit depressed, but he never demanded I pay attention to him. He'd apologize for not showing up to friend events. I wasn't his closest friend so we never tried to meet one on one. He was just absent for a while, occasionally texting to say he was busy and couldn't meet up. But he'd still care, like when another friend graduated he texted "congratulations". That's more like how a depressed friend behaves. Your friend sounds like he was dipping into emotional abuse territory.

[NewPrincessBrat]

YOU Did the right thing,Get a New Friend that will be there for YOU!

[BlackRose13]

I fell out with a very close friend today. I'm pretty much the only friend he had. But for nearly a year now the friendship has been very one sided. He never contacts me first, I've been trying to meet up for a year and he always either doesn't cancel but ghosts me or he cancels the night before. He never asks how I am or is there for me, he never does anything. Every aspect of our friendship was always me. I'd stay up until six am with him most nights yet he can't come online for five minutes for me. Today was the day I spoke to him about it, and he immediately started guilting me and coming up with excuses. I told him I understand he's got anxiety and depression and that he works, but I can't stay in a one sided friendship. He got angry and was all 'sorry I'm not good enough sorry I'm never enough'. I just blocked him. I didn't message him for a woe is  me conversation, I messaged him to sort it out. He's clearly not gonna listen or try to resolve it. He said 'sorry that every time I reached out it was never good enough' but he hasn't reached out since August last year when we last met up. Did I do the right thing by cutting it off? I'm not too great mentally myself and I need to put myself first, this friendship was very damaging for me.

Honestly I think you did the right thing and you sound like an amazing friend that he doesnt deserve! Any kind of relationship whether romantically or not, shouldnt be one sided. You said you are his only friend, there might have been a reason for that, which is exactly what you described. He should consider himself lucky that you even tried so long.

 

And anxiety and depression arent an excuse. I suffer from both but I still talk to my friends. 

[Guest littlebabyslittlespace]

thankyou everyone, I don't feel as guilty anymore

[Little kaiya]

Never feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. Sometimes people change and grow apart, sometimes one person uses the other and sometimes people just aren't as compatible as friends as they thought. It's your life and if someone in it is bringing you down, causing you more stress than good or just using you, well it's time to say bye bye.

 

I cut a few people out of my life this past year myself and honestly I've never felt better. Don't feel guilty for looking after yourself.

 

Little kaiya