Recent developments and what to do about them.

[Guest ( ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ ) MrGentle]

Recently my ex and I started talking again and began hashing out why we weren't together. The reason couples break up, any kind of couple be it kink-centric or vanilla 9 times out of 10 is either sex or money. For us, well, me, it was sex for her it was more tenderness than sex. She is not into DD/lg but mostly because our previous dynamic was more D/s with some age play. As of late, during our talks I told her if I were to talk to you like I didn't know you I would introduce you into DD/lg with a D/s component rather than what our past had been. After a lot of back and forth the idea of it has become more intriguing to her. We've played a little and I've been more attentive to her needs regarding helping her out with her "big girl" responsibilities as well as bath time and massages. She, in return, has been a willful participant in the sexual side which, in the past, sex was like a chore for her because she's more the type to get her orgasm and be done. I'm not like that at all. The inherent issue was that we became resentful of each other, she because I wasn't meeting her needs as a partner (which I can totally own up to) and me because I was barely getting any sex and when I did it was vanilla at best if not down right boring and robotic. 

 

Someone on here suggested we stop having sex and just be a couple where I do my part and let her be her and see how we are as a couple. Not bad advice, just not sure I agree with it because I know our past, and a large part of it was great, somewhere along the way we started acting separately and a rift was created and we ended up not together. To take out a major component at the onset of what appears to be a new beginning feels strange.

 

An example of how we lived separately but together occurred this morning. She stayed over and I work from home. She paged me on my office intercom and told me she was leaving for work, if I wanted to come down and say goodbye. Great I thought, I came right down gave her a big hug and a kiss. She barely noticed, had her head going in 10 directions and was frantic because she was running late and wasn't fully ready. I stood back and it immediately reminded me of our past. I'm very put together, she's scatterbrained, as some littles tend to be, consumed by anxiousness and creating her own problems by not planning ahead or forgetting things, etc. I honestly don't know what to do at this point because I know her so well, so I don't have empathy because she puts herself into these situations. Whereas, if I had, for example, a new person in my life and she was a little, I'd be all over trying to help her and show her how to prepare and get ready. It's as though because I've tried to help her so much in the past I'm acting like an asshole rather than a Daddy should because in the past she's resistant to my help.

 

I feel like I need some advice or thoughts on this.

[Guest buddhagirl]

As her daddy, you have three options here:

1. Try to teach her how to be better and more organized. You say you've done this in the past but she was resistant. Was she resistant in the DDlg dynamic, because you say that's new to you two? If not, then give her a chance and be a good daddy and see if she responds differently to your guidance now that you're her daddy. I know I wouldn't listen to 99% of what Daddy tells me if he wasn't my daddy and was just my husband/partner/etc. 

 

2. Discipline her. If Daddy makes it clear that I need to be more organized and on time but I don't do it or resist his guidance, he would discipline me to break down my resistance to doing the right thing. Sadly, that's the only way I learn on some issues that I have a lot of pride about or resistance to. This is when a daddy cares enough about the little girl to show them who is really the boss and that they're well being is important enough to Daddy to do the hard thing and make a point.

 

3. Move on. If you don't care enough about her to try to teach her again or to find effective ways to discipline her - or if she's just completely resistant to guidance - then you should probably just move on. You need her respect, adoration, trust and obedience to be a good daddy, and she needs your unwavering strength, attentiveness and control in order to be a good girl. If this dynamic has been broken beyond repair, then I don't think you'll be very happy long-term.

 

Of course, I say this from the perspective of my relationship, which is not role playing but jus a natural part of who we are. If you are DDlg in the bedroom only, then obviously it's different. I hope that you two find a way forward that brings you both much happiness, satisfaction and growth. 

[Guest ( ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ ) MrGentle]

Thank you for your words BG. In the past yes, this wasn't done from a DD/lg perspective and in recent talks she doesn't want to be spanked for any reason and rolls her eyes if I lecture and talks back as that was a part of the D/s age playing we did. 

 

So... what I did was to call her cell and talk to her and ask her if this morning, had I stepped in, helped her prepare and guided her would she have been ok with it and accepted it, because it was disturbing to see her so upset and knowing she didn't want help from the past. She agreed that help would have been great and that she wants it now and wants to talk more about it later. I can't tell you how much better I feel now and am excited to talk to her about it.

[ziva vlad's kitten]

i could be wrong but... It sounds kind of like she might not want to be so much of a student needed to learn and change. Instead of learning how to do it maybe she would rather be like a child getting help with something she can't do yet and is not expected to remember because she is to little to remember.

 

my Papa Kitty and i are long distance for now (have been that way for 2 years so we only have that much experience). So He can't actually do things for me, but He does talk me through things and make sure i stay focused while i'm getting ready for work most mornings, and it's an enormous help.

It takes a big stress off of my shoulders, but if i was supposed to remember exactly how He did it without Him there it would add stress. i can do it without Him... but it's better with His help and gives us more time to enjoy with each other.

[Guest ( ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ ) MrGentle]

In talking she brought up an interesting point that I honestly never thought about.

 

What happens when Daddy falls through on something, what's the punishment?

[ziva vlad's kitten]

Depends on what the big falls through on. Most of the time just disappointment of the little, except for something severe enough that the little feels the need for serious repercussions, and that gets into relationship issues.

Although i see no reason why more minor repercussions/punishments couldn't be implemented if that is what is right for your relationship.

[Guest Vexe]

In talking she brought up an interesting point that I honestly never thought about.

 

What happens when Daddy falls through on something, what's the punishment?

 

While I can see why she would ask a question like this, as it sounds like the two of you are renegotiating how you will interact going forward, the language used muddies the ideology a bit.  Typically there would not be "punishments"meted out as disciplinary actions to a Dominant in any form of D/s.  That doesn't mean that there are no repercussions, rather it means that those repercussions extend to the relationship itself.

 

This is why it is so important to create a space where a submissive is confident they can bring their concerns outside of the DD/lg dynamic.  This is the time where both people can honestly evaluate how their agreement is working, whether needs are being met and adjust either their own behaviour or their agreement as time goes by.  As a Dominant, not only are you declaring that you should be trusted by a submissive to manage whatever level of power you have both agreed to exchange, but also that you are self disciplined enough to meet the obligations you have committed yourself to. 

[Guest buddhagirl]

Daddy isn't perfect--though he seems so to me. If Daddy makes a mistake (hurts my feelings, doesn't do what I think he should do for/to me, forgets a promise made, etc.) then I may gently tell him how it made me feel or find a better way together to meet our needs, but I would NEVER think of there being any kind of consequence. Daddy doesn't need them. I'm not here to "teach" Daddy anything. He's proven himself time and time again to be wise, patient, responsible, kind and loving. If he makes a mistake, I understand, remember how lucky I am to have such a good daddy that loves me, and move on.