Advice on being a "Daddy", but not a "Daddy dom"?

[Dino00]

I know, I know. This place is called "DDLGForums", not "AgeplayForums", and because of that, obviously the majority of the people here will more pertain to that side of things versus the ABDL side of things. It's kind of weird to consider I actually discovered this place through an ABDL site. Rambling aside...

 

...because of that, I haven't really found any advice on here on how to be a good daddy to someone. I have zero real-life experience, so I can only really learn from reading.

 

So, I don't consider myself a "Daddy dom" because the act of mistreating someone, even just a tiny swat on the rear, makes me feel uneasy. I just want to treat a "little" or "babygirl" with love and respect and all that. I can't even disipline an actual kid even if they deserve it.

 

And because of that, I feel kind of..."out of place", for lack of better words, whenever I look at the threads here. By all means, I would love to know people here personally, but here's my concern; I search here, and see how people's daddys are "strict" and give out punishments and such, but I don't want that. Myself as a person refuses to be mean, even as pretend. Again, sorry for rambling, but my main point is I would like some advice, or links, or personal experiences, or anything like that on how to be a good "Daddy", not a "Daddy dom". I haven't really found anything useful online, but maybe I just didn't search too deeply. >_<

 

 

[MrBonesWildRide]

So, I don't consider myself a "Daddy dom" because the act of mistreating someone, even just a tiny swat on the rear, makes me feel uneasy. I just want to treat a "little" or "babygirl" with love and respect and all that. I can't even disipline an actual kid even if they deserve it.

 

I'm absolutely a Daddy Dom, however I know where you're coming from in this. While you may be uneasy about the punishment aspect as somewhat of a pacifist perspective, mine stems more from a viewpoint that anything beyond a lecture is taking "punishment" too far. Why? Because the rules are in place for a reason. If the little agrees to the rules, then she should be following them. If she does not follow them she either did not understand them (lecture for correction) or she willfully disobeyed. Depending on how you feel about willful disobedience, it's not something to take lightly. If exceptions were made then they were expressly communicated.

 

So what you're suggesting is not at all unreasonable. In fact, it should be a bit more par of the course (at least... in my opinion). 

 

Now without getting into semantics, it appears that you'd like to see yourself as more of the provider and caregiver role, rather than the strict Dominant aspect of the Daddy/Caregiver title. And that's okay.

 

My question is somewhat thus: Are you looking for a relationship where you provide more? Or are you looking for something where you do not have to punish? These can obviously overlap, but the reason I ask these questions are because you could be looking for something less formal (hence the removal of the "dominant" aspect) which is absolutely normal. 

 

I feel like if you are looking for something like that, whoever you may find should have that open line of communication with you about it. 

[Dino00]

My question is somewhat thus: Are you looking for a relationship where you provide more? Or are you looking for something where you do not have to punish? These can obviously overlap, but the reason I ask these questions are because you could be looking for something less formal (hence the removal of the "dominant" aspect) which is absolutely normal. 

 

I suppose this one, now that I think more deeply about it. While I don't want to punish, the furthest I would go would be a stern "No!", but anything further than that isn't something I could willingly do.

[Guest ( ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ ) MrGentle]

A portion of spanking stems from a littles need to be shown just how much you care. Anyone can lecture but for some the Dom piece plays into the BDSM world of showing physical Dominance through willful submission. You care enough to spank because a stern NO can be ignored.

 

The thought process is "I disobeyed and he's spanking me now, he means business, he truly cares enough about me to go to this length."

 

Another piece is that spanking can be erotic. Yet another piece is that spanking for some IS pleasure by way of humiliation.

[MrBonesWildRide]

I suppose this one, now that I think more deeply about it. While I don't want to punish, the furthest I would go would be a stern "No!", but anything further than that isn't something I could willingly do.

 

That makes sense. So basically what you're looking for is more of a caregiver and provider type of dynamic. Now I want to point out that this may conflict with how normal relationships play out. Normal relationships have fights, have drama. I know you say you do not like going beyond a stern "No" so I will believe that you are more inclined to be passive. So I think you will do okay if you click very well with your partner and ensure that the dynamic stays as more of a provisional and beneficial dynamic. 

 

I absolutely think that what you'd want to do is have your partner understand how you do not want to have to be stern or strict, so the rules given are to be followed exactly. If anything, attempt to only install rules that do not have potential leniency (bed times) because you would either have to give exceptions or deal with consequences and that throws the idea out. 

 

 

A portion of spanking stems from a littles need to be shown just how much you care. Anyone can lecture but for some the Dom piece plays into the BDSM world of showing physical Dominance through willful submission. You care enough to spank because a stern NO can be ignored. Another piece is that spanking can be erotic. Yet another piece is that spanking for some IS pleasure by way of humiliation.

And yet Dino has said he explicitly will not actually go beyond the No. 

[Dino00]

 

That makes sense. So basically what you're looking for is more of a caregiver and provider type of dynamic. Now I want to point out that this may conflict with how normal relationships play out. Normal relationships have fights, have drama. I know you say you do not like going beyond a stern "No" so I will believe that you are more inclined to be passive. So I think you will do okay if you click very well with your partner and ensure that the dynamic stays as more of a provisional and beneficial dynamic. 

 

I absolutely think that what you'd want to do is have your partner understand how you do not want to have to be stern or strict, so the rules given are to be followed exactly. If anything, attempt to only install rules that do not have potential leniency (bed times) because you would either have to give exceptions or deal with consequences and that throws the idea out. 

 

 

Of course. I know very well that will still be a thing. =P

 

Thanks for the advice so far! It's just hard to truly understand without actual practice, you know? So, that's why I'm asking directly here.

[Guest ( ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ ) MrGentle]

And yet Dino has said he explicitly will not actually go beyond the No.

 

He also said he's inexperienced so I'm providing insight to a mindset he might not be aware of. The motivator for spanking could open his eyes to possibilities he's yet to consider.

[Guest Penny]

A tip I would like to provide is to sit down with your little and ask her what it is she would like from you and what it is she desires from you as a daddy,

 

If you don't want discipline you don't have to, it's completely up to you and your little you can still be a daddy without time outs, spankings or lectures,

 

Playing with her and keeping her entertained, setting her down for a nap or for bed time, pickin out her clothes or giving her a bath are all things you can do as just a daddy.

 

I would also reccomend you think about what kind of father you would be in regards to an actual child. I know that the two dynamics are very different but in some ways their not.

 

Do you make sure she is fed? Make sure she has plenty to drink? What about opening things for her to make her feel little or having her ask you permission for sweets or If she can have more juice or snacks or something like that.

 

You can be in control without being a Dom just by making her feel cared for in simple small ways.

[Guest Penny]

Ive got another suggestion, do you do things for her that she could easily do herself? Like brushing her hair or styling it for her, helping her to get dressed, tying her shoes and putting on her socks?

 

Those are all sweet little things you can do, that a daddy would do and it would make her feel extra little.

[BodicainDaddy]

I'm not particularly concerned with rules and punishment with my little. There are tiny things I 'enforce'- I like it that she capitalises the Y in "You" when writing to me, but she did that on her own - I sometimes remind her to do it, but have found that if she's not doing it it is because she has something on her mind, giving me a useful 'flag' to ask what is going on in her life.

 

However, the majority of the time I act as a Daddy, not a Daddy-dom ... and the way I do that, which I think is good, is by remembering a small number of things:

 

1) She's only a little girl.

2) I want to be a good parent.

 

The first means things like indulge her whims, be patient and smile at her expressing herself - find joy in the fact you're responsible for creating the safe space for her to be herself, in a very real way only children get to experience this kind of freedom and it is an extra special privilege to be able to give someone that back. This also allows me to maintain my comfort (and indeed take pride) when my little is little 'in public' (in my memory, one particularly special time at build-a-bear was the high point of that) and therefore show my little that I want her to express herself as she wishes - Daddy is there to provide that space.

 

The second means things like upon your own initiative doing things like preparing surprises, thoughtful gifts and generally sprinkling 'magic' through your little's life - as a good parent should do. Childhood is an adventure largely created by one's parents and as a Daddy you have a great opportunity to give that to someone and bask in the reflected joy of it.

 

And both of the above are always aspirational, don't mess yourself up by imagining an arbitrary definition of perfection and worrying when you don't reach it, your little will see the effort and appreciate that, not just the end result.

[Ennui]

On the opposite side of the coin, my daddy is exactly like you. He has never disciplined me nor given me strict rules or anything because he chooses not to. It wasn't what I initially thought I wanted, but I think it's just a matter of finding the right babygirl/little. If you want to be with a brat it's not going to work! But I'm not bratty at all. If you find someone who loves to be a good girl for her daddy and works towards that goal, it should be pretty easy for you to be "daddy" without needing to be dom. Just love her, cuddle her, give her lots of constant attention! You'll have a very good girl!

[Daddyformyprincess]

I'm glad you posted Dino00. I was starting to feel a bit out of place. I'm a daddy that is the dominate partner in our relationship. But I do not use physical punishment unless its in bed, and it never goes beyond a good spank or two. Nothing at all extreme. I also swat her bottom occasionally throughout the day but seldom is it a disciplinary action. More of a ststement like...your mine..I love you.

 

My girl specifically says she wants and expects me to be the authority figure, head of the household and rule maker. She turns to me for major decisions and respects my decisions.

 

I see being her daddy as a huge responsibility. To protect, provide for, love, cherish and give her a safe place to live and establish rules for our house.

 

She calls me daddy and in return she gets a daddy, a lover, a husband and a friend. I call her princess, baby girl or pumpkin and I get a loving, caring, attentive, obedient little girl.

 

There are few rules you have to follow so find the path that's right for you.

[Guest MyDaddyMyWorld]

Was nest rambling through this and saw something about being dominant as mistreatment.

I'm sorry but that is absolutely not how dominance works. At all.

I'm sure some abuse that power, but that's nothing to do with being a true dominant.

I need that dominance from my daddy. It makes me feel safe, guided, calm. It gives me peace of mind and direction. And my daddy knows how badly I need that from him.

I have only ever had anything close to that in this one relationship. And it's my first one with a dominant partner.

I think you are mistaking this dynamic for something else entirely.

[Daddy4Princess]

It's possible to be more "Daddy" then "Daddy dom. I would highly recommend that you find a babygirl who's not a brat. Brats live to push the envelope, and take a lot of work to keep in line.

[Guest LexiGremlin]

So, I don't consider myself a "Daddy dom" because the act of mistreating someone, even just a tiny swat on the rear, makes me feel uneasy.

"The act of mistreating someone..." is a bit offensive to me. As a switch who is a Mistress/Little with a Mommy Domme. The BDSM dynamic, such as spanking and more, is a CONSENSUAL ACT between two consenting adults who agree on things BEFORE getting involved. I prefer contracts with everything written.

 

I love spankings. And I like being put in "timeout" in a corner. I also don't mind BDSM-style punishments (such as croppings, whippings, etc.) And I like giving said punishments as well. But I always use colors or safe words.

 

Now, at the same time, my Mommy would never do a BDSM session with me while I'm in Little-space. It's all about communication, trust and limits/boundaries.

 

So please do not refer to those dynamics as "the act of mistreating someone" without knowing the dynamic.

[OhioDaddy76]

I'm with you OP. I've played in a more traditional bdsm role and it doesn't do anything for me. I do, however, feel very good about the nurturing, encouraging, and being a source of confidence and self belief for a little. I don't see value in pain, and I choose not to be involved in it. I would not be willing to do it to make a little happy, and I know that I should not be involved with someone that needs punished. It took me a while to realize that's just who I am.

 

That said I'm not passive. I am more than capable of correcting behavior with words, and a strong focus on teaching and encouragement. At the end of the day I want my little, whenever I find her, to know that I care deeply for her and that my goal is to lift her up and be the foundation from which she can grow. I can't imagine how striking a little accomplishes what I want a relationship to look like.

 

Be confident in what you want and what you can give. Don't worry about fitting a particular dynamic. Just being here has already shown that you can swim upstream a bit, do your thing!

[TheOneWhoKnocks]

Dino, I'm right there with you on that one!

 

I've read everyone's posts, agree with some, disagree with others. I'm a caregiver and provider to daddy's good little girl. And she's that to the T. Not a brat what so ever. She cherishes the ground her daddy walks on, as I daddy does hers! The only thing we argue about is who gets to cook dinner for who. We treat eachother like gold, we're best friends and lovers. Making one another happy is what makes us happy. But.... And there's always a but, that's our dynamic. To give you all a brief explanation here you go.

 

No physical abuse other than the bed room, nothing more than rough sex. No closed fists.

 

No bed time or time outs

 

She doesn't have stuffies

 

She runs her own errands and acts like an adult.

 

 

Everyone's dynamic and chemistry is different. Be clear and lay out expectations. Ours are clear, it's more of a role play yet I am her protector. Nothing will ever happen to her as long as I'm with her and that was an organic chemistry reaction between us. Naturally she longs to be looked after and made felt safe in her mans arms. The way I was raised was to provide and protect, I like doing nice things for people and seeing others happy, it's my nature. In our dynamic we accentuate our personalities

[Guest DaddysLolita]

I think it's fine if you don't want to punish. From what I've seen there are so many different dynamics around here, some littles want punishment, some don't. Some Daddies want to punish, some don't. You question how to be a good Daddy, I think your intentions actually sum up a good Daddy. You just need to find someone who matches what you want to give out. When you find that person, have a honest talk about what you both like and don't like, and change things as you see fit. It's your relationship and as long as you're both happy, it's good.

[Ruby-Rainy]

I'm glad you posted this question. It's nice to hear questions and thoughts on a lesser voiced side of this dynamic.