[Resolved] I'm having a serious problem.

[Guest BabyPeach]

Even if he found out another way, she had no monogamous obligations to him because they had not agree on a committed, monogamous relationship at that point. FWB is often hard for one half of the couple, but it is what it is.

[Little kaiya]

The situation sounds far more like unfortunate miscommunication than betrayal to me. The two of you clearly were not on the same page which resulted in a difficult situation; however, that doesn't mean she is in the wrong.

 

Based on everything you've said the two of you weren't in a relationship so there isn't anything to forgive, move past, yes, but forgive no as that implies one party was at fault.

 

Lastly, moving forward together, if that's the decision of BOTH, of you should focus on reaching common ground and understanding. It shouldn't be about you setting limits for her or making her feel bad for what happened.

 

Little kaiya

[CryBabyUniWolf]

DISCLAIMERS:

I really need help from some people who can hopefully support or help me on this issue. Because my opinions and thoughts on this issue are scattered, this post is also very verbose and scattered. I ask you, please try to read through this and understand if you have the patience. I'd appreciate any help or responses you can give.

 

This story is technically NSFW but this isn't sexual or cute at all.

 

                                                                                                                                                        

 

I'm having a serious problem.

 

I'm losing trust in my little and I can't stop it. I know my feelings are irrational but I can't help myself.

 

Basically, I found out that she had a sexual encounter with somebody I know as well as an online daddy both at the same time as she was seeing me. We weren't officially dating, but we would spend all day together and we did all the intimacies of dating at this time, all that was missing was the labels of bf/gf. I'm going to give some dates to give some context. 

 

So we first started just being friends with benefits/romantically together in September, and we kept a romantic relationship through the rest of the year. We finally started officially dating in January, 3-4 months later. She told me this month, May (4 months into our relationship) that she gave somebody a blowjob at a party we were at after I left it... in October. I ended up coming back to that party after that happened. We were together cuddling and snuggling the whole night and as soon as I leave she sucks some other guy off and doesn't tell me for 6 months. Were we officially dating at that time? No. But I wasn't seeing anybody else. She never cuddled with anyone else and romantically we were exclusive. But I guess not sexually. Later, I also learned through some ill-advised curiosity that her previous relationship with an online daddy, which I thought ended even before the incident in October, stretched all the way into December. Meaning she was with me and this online daddy for 3 whole months, overlapping with our relationship IRL.

 

If that's confusing, I'll reiterate. When we were very much romantically together but not officially dating, she gave a guy a blowjob and she also had a relationship with a daddy online for 3 months overlapping. She ended the relationship with him in December, less than a month before we started dating.

 

Now this is fucking tearing me apart. Just the idea of some other guy's cum filling her little mouth, just for me to come back to the party and kiss her and not have a clue. She had to lie to me that night, pretend it didn't happen. That fucking hurts. She also had another daddy which is a whole other thing I'm not a good enough person to forgive/come to terms with. Giving herself to this other dominant, who had control over her and commanded her like I do. He had his own set of rules, his own dominance and sexual shit with her and thinking about that hurts me so much. It makes me feel weak and worthless as a dominant, as a boyfriend and as a human being. 3 months of our relationship being phony and in vain has hurt so much. It feels like all those months were all phony and an illusion.

 

I can't help but feel betrayed. She saw other people and did stuff with other guys without telling me a thing. I feel like this two-timing opens the door to her cheating on me in the future. She's actually going to be seeing this ddlg ex of hers at a convention this summer (obviously not planned but still unfortunate as fuck) and I'm flooded with insecurities that this online relationship is still going, she still loves him and she's gonna go let him fuck her while I can't do a thing about it. I know these thoughts are irrational but I love her so much and I'm so possessive of her that I can't help but feel this way. I don't have anything to make it even, she was my first relationship. I was her 7th or 8th. I feel unimportant and weak. I want to forgive or forget, but I have too many monstrous thoughts to silence them all. 

 

Now before I end this, I want to add that what happened after all of this ended. Starting January we dated, and somewhere between then and now we fell in love with each other. Some of you may be pessimistic and think that's not enough time, but we're both naive enough to be confident enough to believe it. While before in 2018 we almost never went on outings and hung out at each other's houses occasionally, after we started dating it has been amazing. I couldn't be happier with her, and she has told me the same. In terms of DDLG, we have a strong happy DDLG relationship. It's also very important that she VERY STRONGLY regrets both these things ever happening. Sometimes even bringing it up brings tears or visible emotion. She is not friends by any means with the online ex, and she resents her actions. Anyways, this relationship has taken a dip recently as these problems I'm mentioning have arose. I have a feeling this issue is connected to the increasingly frequent squabbles and fights we've been having recently. 

 

What I'm asking from anybody who has read this far is for help. How can I move past her past? How can I not devalue myself compared to her past. How can I forgive her? Should I forgive her? I really really want to forgive her, and I have but not internally. I want to move on and not focus on her promiscuous past. Thank you so much for reading. This whole situation has been so taxing on my work and our relationship. I want to make things better. There's a lot I didn't say so I'll be avidly replying to comments. Feel free to ask about more details if you feel like you need it for a conclusion.

 

Thank you. 

I think everyone has said basically what I want to say.

 

Just keep in mind that your feelings are very valid. I hope she never does anything like that to you again. I wish you both the best and I hope your relationship just gets stronger with time!

 

Good luck!!!

[Kara(tonin)]

As you read this, know that I have empathize with both of you. However I'm not going to sugar coat my answer, because I've been in her position. I've been dumped because someone I loved deeply couldn't accept that I had previous sexual partners, while I was her first. It sucked, but I learned from that relationship that monogamous relationships aren't my preference. 

 

Obviously she has chosen to be with you, for several months, when she likely had other options. She's even demonstrated loyalty to you by sharing this and her feelings about it with you.

 

If the two of you hadn't yet explicitly discussed that you two were exclusively monogamous, she can do whatever, with whoever she want's too. Even if you have mutually chosen to be in a monogamous, relationship (It's important to discuss, because monogamy is not everyone's default) as dominant and submissive or daddy/little. This part is really important; You don't own her. She is not something you possess... 

 

So from what you've said, you hadn't agreed to be exclusive partners. If you still feel devalued by this. By the fact that she has had other partners before you. More partners than you have, or even an isolated encounter with someone else while you two were together in intimate and romantic ways... That is something you need to work through on your own... Without making her feel guilty or punishing her for it in any way. 

 

If you believe that you really love her, you need to consider if you're able to let this go in the present, and not allow it to tarnish things moving forward... or let her go.

 

If you still find that you are unable to accept this, to move on, and to trust her, you should probably walk away so she can find someone who will love her unconditionally. While you work through those feeling, because honestly, everyone you meet has probably had partners before you.

 

However things go, whatever you feel. Good communication is essential for any relationship to survive. I hope you both work things out amicably.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Kara(tonin)

[bigttrack]

Trust.. Is the highest cliff one can fall from. Repeated violations of trust.. unforgivable and you can never fully trust her - I know your pain. Move on.

Edited May 23, 2019 by bigttrack

[fausto]

I dont mean to revive this thread all frankenstein-ey, but just an update:

 

I was in a place of pain and betrayal because I wasn't emotionally mature enough to give my situation a good perspective or have enough relationship experience to come to terms with it. 

 

I forgive her, and I do not feel any betrayal or sorrow from this event anymore. Thank you to everybody for helping me through the process, I couldn't have done it without you. 

 

I am happy. Thank you! 

[Kresaera]

So I've been married to my husband (Daddy Dom) for 13 years.  When we first got together, we were not participating in any kind of dynamic.  I knew about bdsm, but I had never actually experienced it outside of the internet.  We were also heroin addicts (10 years clean) and our relationship was the most toxic relationship ever.  We fought all the time, I was really mean to him verbally, He cheated on me (never physically) online a lot.  He was always looking for someone to send him pictures, chat, etc.  I got sick of this and made out with his best friend.  That moment changed our lives.  We both got our shit together and decided we needed to work on us.  

 

It took years of communication, hard work and total transparency.  The trust in our relationship is better now and we have found a dynamic that allows us to be ourselves. 

 

It comes down to if you are able to work through the feelings you're having.  She has to be willing to be honest with you, answer your questions and be 100% transparent.  I'm talking hard, tear filled conversations that lasted all night sometimes.  

 

I wish you luck, and I hope you get some peace in your heart.  I know how you feel, and it sucks.