New form.of catfish?

[Lilbabykriskris]

[baby_k]

Men talk big but the actions.....   In imagination many things can be great but in rel life it is another story, takes a lot to know yourself and what you really want. Also specially men have often need to claim that they are "experienced", "firm" and so on, you know, the overly typical profile text / personal's post.

 

But I will so start using that "new form of catfish" XD Even of course those people don't do it on purpose ( I assume at least ).

 

You can try to talk of the issue, he should be able to provide you reasonable answers on what he likes and wants, what he wants to try. You could try to go through question lists like BDSM test together, so you talk of the topics/questions. Maybe he needs encouragement with being more of a dom, and also more firm limits on how to be a daddy to you. Maybe he just isn't up to these tasks.

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

I've been with my Daddy for over a year now. When we met he told me he had been in a D/s BDSM relationship in the past and that he was into ddlg. Well I could accept that he was a new Daddy and would need some guidance but over a year later and I'm frustrated. First. BDSM. I own plugs, nipple clamps, rope, hand cuffs. We have never not once used any of these items. Never. I will get a paddling maybe twice a month after I ask and remind. Second Ddlg. Turns out he enjoys little space from afar. He does not play, or take care of me. So I'm like ok whatever. But then sometimes I can tell when I'm really little it annoys him (he doesn't outwardly say it, just gets more strict and distant) Because of this I've been in middle / kid space a lot and only regress to little or baby space when alone. But that just triggers my abandonment issues. It's a whole fucking mess. Let me wrap this up with. He's a great fucking guy. Provides, works hard, is funny. But I feel ddlg/BDSM catfished. I just got out of a ten year relationship with a vanilla man. Three years ago. I'm in my sexual prime (over 25). How long do I ask and pester for more play and pain before I just accept that. Some people like the idea of BDSM but not the act. #heartbroken.

Maybe the idea pleased him, but once he experienced it he didn't like it? Sexuality and kinks are so complicated. Sometimes only by experiencing we get "ok not my thing afterall".

I think he's trying to please you (by responding to it when you ask for it), because he doesn't want to hurt you. But is just not his thing.

[Lilbabykriskris]

Maybe the idea pleased him, but once he experienced it he didn't like it? Sexuality and kinks are so complicated. Sometimes only by experiencing we get "ok not my thing afterall".

I think he's trying to please you (by responding to it when you ask for it), because he doesn't want to hurt you. But is just not his thing.

What do I do with that. Accept I and be content with a lacking life. Leave a great guy cause he isn't kinky. Both of those suck and yes we will talk about it.. more. I'm just talked out I guess. I think I just needed to vent.

[Guest BabyPeach]

What do I do with that. Accept I and be content with a lacking life. Leave a great guy cause he isn't kinky. Both of those suck and yes we will talk about it.. more. I'm just talked out I guess. I think I just needed to vent.

 

Only you can truly answer that. Since you called it a "lacking life", maybe that's your answer? Although, remember that some in this scene little hop and aren't going to commit to a life long relationship (no matter what they might say) because they want someone who is not just a little, but is YOUNG to their old. Everyone ages. With that said, you are young in the grand scheme of things. Why settle for what you consider to be a mediocre life at your age? Could you truly be happy with that? Although, there is more to life than being little and BDSM, especially if you want to settle down, marry and have children. For their sake, I would chose a man like your current man. Steady, dependable and caring.

[Lilbabykriskris]

I have kids, he has kids. I've done the slow married quiet life. I did it for a little over a decade. I know there is more to life than BDSM and ddlg. It's just frustrating after being in a lackluster relationship for so long only to find myself in one going down that road again. ‍♀ Idk y'all. Thanks for listening either way.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

I have kids, he has kids. I've done the slow married quiet life. I did it for a little over a decade. I know there is more to life than BDSM and ddlg. It's just frustrating after being in a lackluster relationship for so long only to find myself in one going down that road again. ‍♀ Idk y'all. Thanks for listening either way.

You've described your relationship as lackluster twice. You know what your answer is. Does that mean leave this man? No. But definitely serious discussion is needed. It sounds like he's not into it but you've got to communicate how important it is to your contentment.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

I'd say you hit the nail on the head: "some people like the idea of BDSM but not the act". For some people, what they think they're into at the start of a relationship - especially if they're new to the scene or if they haven't had a significant relationship in the dynamic before - can be very different to what they actually want once they've had time to experience it. In addition, once the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship gradually comes to an end, feelings and desires can shift so there may be an element of that as well.

 

Personally I wouldn't categorise this kind of behaviour as catfishing, because I would assume based on my own experiences that your partner entered into the relationship genuinely believing he was interested in the BDSM side of things. I've been with people who thought they wanted a nonsexual relationship at the beginning only to realise later than it wasn't what they wanted, just as an example. When everything is new and all someone has been able to do is read and maybe watch a few videos, it can be easy to get a false idea about what they want and what they like, and it sounds as if maybe that's what's happened here. The other possibility could be that his sex drive/libido isn't the same as yours and so he wants to do those things a lot less than you do.

 

In either case, it's an issue that's best discussed as openly and honestly as possible. Whenever I need to have a serious conversation I like to write down the main points so I don't miss anything out, so that could help if you do decide to bring this up with him. Most people tend not to realise that the way they're behaving is a problem until they're spoken to about it directly, so if you don't say anything it seems unlikely he'll change. If you talk to him about it, there's at least a chance. But you may find that after talking about it you're back to the same two options: accept things the way they are, or end the relationship and seek out someone who can meet your needs. This is just my personal opinion, but if I was with someone who was nice, funny, and hard-working, but was unable to meet my needs from a CG/L point of view, I don't think that relationship would have a future because there's just a gaping hole in it. There's no such thing as the "perfect" partner, and it's true that people with too many demands or requirements that a partner needs to meet often end up disappointed. But if the two of you are so very different in what you want from your relationship from the BDSM, DD/LG, and sexual side of things, it's hard to see a path forward and you may have to accept that.

 

However, talking to him first seems like your best bet. Perhaps he will be able to make some changes and things will improve. Best of luck to you!

[Guest Aetherr]

sounds alot to me like you answered alot of your own questions, maybe you would be better having short term partners less of the commitment and maturity and more focused on your needs in kink you have made it clear a nice guy is not what you want despite how much you like him and trying to make him something he is not is not fair on him, if you arent happy then leave because he desserves to feel like he is enough like you desserve to be happy

[Littlest_Bee]

So, this is complicated because I'm not sure what kinds of conversations you had with him.

Did he ever tell you what his expectations about ddlg were? Have you talked about specific fantasies? Do you have the impression he enjoys paddling you when he does?

 

I get the feeling that a lot of people who don't have much experience wish their partner would take initiative. Especially in regards to D/s relationships because many doms I know still feel that the urge to hurt someone (even if that someone enjoys a certain amount of pain) is socially unacceptable - so they don't express the wish but wait until it's about what their sub wants - while the subs I've talked to deeply crave their partner to take control of the situation.

Now the guy said he was in a D/s relationship before but it might be that his former sub initiated most (maybe all) play sessions and he might be expecting you to do the same if you never talked specifically about how to go about doing those things.

If that's the case I personally like the idea of having a ritualised way to "ask" for playtime without just bluntly stating what you want and having equally ritualised ways to express how receptive the other one is to the suggestion right then (enthusiastic/ might need some time to get into the mood/ not now please) but that requires being on the same page about the signals you're giving off.

 

I've been in a relationship (though not BDSM) with someone inexperienced where we were both shy and kind of waiting for the other one to take the initiative. It takes a lot of communication to overcome that but I think it can be done and could absolutely turn out to be worth it.

 

But if you have talked to him to a point where you're sure he isn't holding back in order to not put any unwanted pressure on you it's a different story.