Struggling to feel little with my daddy

[Lilia]

Apologies for the super long post. I'm just really unsure about what to do next, and would be suuuper grateful for any insights/advice.

 

I've been with my daddy long distance for a little over 3 months. He's had experiences of being a daddy before, but really nothing substantial. So it's definitely fair to say that he's kinda new to it all. But I would add that we met on a website where he was specifically looking for a little.

 

We communicate to an extent frequency-wise that I'm more than happy with - lots of messages throughout the day, and we usually Skype/call at least once a week. We get on really well, I care for him a lot, and I know he cares for me too. We are good friends, and the sexual side of things is an awful lot of fun. My problem is how he interacts with me as a little.

 

He calls me petnames, tells me I'm cute etc., occasionally (though very inconsistently) enforces bedtime. But I just don't feel he really treats me as/understands me as a little. He basically never indulges me whenever I want to talk about any little stuff I like, e.g. cartoons (cartoons being something I am craaaazy into:)). I drew him a picture recently, and I got basically no response, just emojis. I asked him ages ago if he'd make a recording of him reading me a bedtime story, I've gently reminded him since, and he still hasn't. They perhaps sound pretty nitpicky, but they're just examples to illustrate a much broader issue.

 

We both work full time in relatively stressful jobs, and please believe me that I factor in the need for us to both concentrate on our work, as well as have our own free time.

 

He just very rarely seems to get excited or enthusiastic about anything I do as a little. I've said I really like to have rules, and there's been nothing. Any punishment is purely sexual, e.g. I'm denied being able to masturbate. I tried in a subtle way for a while to suggest that we could talk about some things that might help us both feel more fulfilled in the dynamic, and he just didn't seem to get it. If I'm upset I always talk to him and try to show him why, sometimes more explicitly, sometimes subtly - and usually he'll say he understands and knows he needs to work on his communication, which I always feel is really positive, but then nothing really changes. He's said that he instinctively feels like a daddy, and that perhaps some of the problem is that he thinks some things are basically implied (e.g. that he's excited about/appreciative of a picture I'd drawn for him, even though he doesn't really say it). But I've explained to him that proper communication is so so important (I mean, how could it not be, especially when we're long distance?), and that I can't just keep taking things as implied. I don't want to feel like I'm just basically creating my own narrative - almost like I'm having a conversation with myself.

 

Recently I sent him a little thing I'd made about "Things That Help Me Feel Litte" - I tried to make it kinda cute and casual, as I'm very conscious that I don't want to make him feel bad by what may seem as just giving him instructions. He was fine with it, said he thought it was cute, and actually seemed quite appreciative - but again, nothing's really changed.

 

I want to be clear, I don't want to 'change' him as a person/encourage him to play a role that isn't who he really is. I have been extremely clear on that from the start - any time I've referenced the fact that I'm struggling to allow myself to feel really little with him (and that if I do, he will quite often jar me out of it), I've always been clear on that fact, and have also asked him a couple of times (when he has just been completely and utterly oblivious as to some of my most basic needs as a little), if he's sure a little is what he really wants (as opposed to a more 'standard' sub, which seemingly is more what he's used to). He tells me it is truly what he wants, and that he does really enjoy both my little and big sides - and because I know we both care for each other, and because I know he is a genuinely good and kind person, I want to persevere and support him. I tell him all the time how lucky I feel to have him as my daddy, and I tell him how much I love and appreciate certain things he does.

 

But I am seriously getting to the point now where I feel like I am never able to be content in little space with him, because he just starts talking to me completely like an adult and/or he just doesn't enthusiastically or proactively engage with the little part if me - and by extension, because I feel like I keep having to be the one who takes all of the responsibility for essentially trying to keep that part of our relationship in existence. I feel kinda mean saying it, but sometimes having a conversation with him while I'm in little space can feel like pulling teeth.

 

I'm trying to strike a balance between being honest about what I need, and not being on his case, prescriptive etc. But I'm worried that he either simply isn't truly inclined to be a daddy, or perhaps that our needs just aren't compatible in terms of this dynamic. But on the other hand, I wonder if I'm being rash and/or unfair in my expectations, especially of a new(ish) and long-distance daddy.

 

It's probably relevant to mention that I am also a Caregiver (with someone completely separate - and as a side note, there is total honesty with everyone involved). So I do really empathise with him in a number of ways. But I guess it also means that I will ultimately hold others to the standards to which I hold myself - and so so key for me as a Caregiver is communication (both in and out of the dynamic). Though, to be clear, I would never ever say to him anything like, "as a CG I would never do or say that," etc., and I try my best not to even think that way, because I know that's not necessarily fair.

 

I genuinely don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to just keep going with something that means one or both of us will end up hurt, because we're not being true to ourselves and what we really need.

 

Am I over thinking? (I know I definitely have a tendency to do that, not least because I'm a very anxious person.) Do I need to give this more time, and keep trying to work on things? Or do I need to call things off (even though it would crush me, and I'm pretty sure him too) because we're ultimately not compatible in the respects that we need to be? I honestly don't think I could have communicated to him any better than I have, but perhaps I'm wrong.

 

Any pointers or insights would be very, very much appreciated. Thank you!

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

First of all, you aren't overthinking it. This doesn't seem like it's anything to do with your anxiety; it's a relationship issue between the two of you.

 

You did well to give him some information about things that help you feel little, and the fact that you did it in a positive way instead of telling him he wasn't doing certain things was a kind and thoughtful way to handle things. But unfortunately, if that hasn't helped at all, you really only have two options at this point. Either you accept things the way they are, or you sit down with him and have a much more serious conversation about it.

 

That doesn't mean you have to be negative, but you will have to find a way to explain to him that you need him to do things that he hasn't been doing. When it comes to things like bedtime, it sounds clear that you need that to be enforced every night, not just occasionally. What other things specifically would you need him to do differently? Make a list so that when you come to discuss it with him, you won't forget anything or miss anything out.

 

It's understandable to feel upset if your little side is being neglected. When you showed him the picture, for example, and got no reaction, that must've been hurtful. Unfortunately, especially when it comes to guys, hints don't always work. And most people don't realise that a particular behaviour, or lack of a behaviour, is hurtful or problematic until they are confronted with it directly. The only way you're going to be able to get your point across to him is to talk to him about it. Explain why, using the picture example, you felt upset by his reaction. You don't necessarily need to tell him "do X Y and Z next time", but if you can explain that when you drew him a picture you were disappointed not to receive praise or be told the picture looked great or that it should go on the fridge, hopefully he will understand what to do next time without having to be explicitly told.

 

When it comes to punishment, firstly I hope you have a safeword so you can bring to a halt any scene you don't enjoy. But more importantly, have you discussed what punishment means to you, and what kinds you find acceptable? For some people, punishment is purely a sexual kink. But for most littles I've known, punishment wasn't just for fun, it was there to remind them that they had rules, that someone was in control and looking after them; that's why things like writing an apology work so well - at least in my experience. Even if that isn't something you'd be up for, it's worth talking to him again to explain why you like punishment, and hopefully that conversation will spur him to either change the way he punishes you or use it in a more appropriate way.

 

At the end of the day, you say you're not interested in asking him to change - but in order for him to meet your needs, don't you think that's exactly what needs to happen? I'm afraid no one here will be able to answer for him and reassure you that yes, it is possible for him to change. As you yourself said, it's quite possible that - in terms of a CG/L dynamic at least - the two of you just aren't compatible. However, before we say that outright, talking to him to explain your point of view has to be your best bet. I've known people who met their partners outside of the community and introduced them to CG/L, and those people have gone on to become excellent caregivers. If they can do it, with no natural inclination towards CG/L at all, it's surely possible that someone who at least wants to be a caregiver can learn, from the person he cares about most, how to improve. Talk to him. Choose a time when you have plenty of time to talk freely and won't be likely to be interrupted. Say what you need to say, and be prepared to listen to his point of view too. You may have to make some compromises, and even if he is prepared to work on things it likely won't change overnight, so being patient is also very important. But it is possible if you're prepared to discuss the situation maturely and as equals.

 

I wish you the very best of luck. 

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

He might be afraid of the stigma but doesn't want to make you sad. It's probably best to stop being subtle and tell him exactly what you need and how important little space is to you. He may be having trouble seeing an adult woman as a small child. I'd say just ask him how he feels about it, if he really wants it, if he feels embarrassed or anything like that

[Lilia]

Thank you both for your replies. You've both touched on different but interesting points, and I think I need to take some time to think about all that you've suggested. I wish I could just sit him down on the couch next to me and raise these things gently with him while I hold his hand, but unfortunately the best I can do is a Skype call. I genuinely feel like I want to cry at the idea of how much it might hurt him, and the prospect of losing him, but I guess it really is necessary. Thank you again.

[sweetangelkitten]

Maybe he has committed to something and he wasn't sure to what extent a little means. You have been clear with what you want and you give him reminders on how you want to be treated. He only punishes you sexually ... It sounds like you want to be more in the relationship than a sexual way... Sounds like he isn't as immersed in the lifestyle/ type of connection you want. If he's not into it, he's not into it. Sounds like he might have thought he was into it and doesn't want to leave and make you feel bad. I think having a heart to heart talk over the phone would help.

[baby_k]

Ask him what sort of caregiver he wants to be, what it practically means to him. Require PRACTICAL examples of things where he sees cargiver role.

 

I think these are bit difficult questions always as no one can be perfect immediately but then again how much one should try to 'change' in order to fullfill some role. I guess key thing is that does he enjoy the things you wish to get from caregiver.

 

I have had ( still do maybe ) issues with my partner not really being a dom even they claimed to be one. It is always really confusing. Partly issue comes from different expectations which can be solved/recognised with talking. But there is also part which is a lot more deeply rooted. Some people just are not doms ( or at least they are that in such minor way that I turn them into more like subs ), and then..... not sure, maybe some people can learn the role as they really desire it. People also are different, like someone might not act like dom/daddy when they are stressed which I find bit hard to understand for I have no issues keeping control even when stressed as that comes naturally for me. There is still possibility to find balance even someone doesn't act excatly as you wish. Question just is what is enough for you, what your partner can learn and what they actually enjoy.

 

Anyhow, don't hint or be subtle. Some people just are thick headed, so explain PRACTICALLY the things you would want. Then ask what he thinks of those things. Require proper answer, and keep asking things like "can you see yourself doing that?", "would you like doing those things?", "would that be fun or chore?", "when would be good time for you to do those things?".

 

It's sort of important make your partner think what they could do ( ask suff like "how could you show you are the daddy in the rel?" ) and not just give them answers on the plate. This makes them think by themselves and the answers are closer to what they really want to do or try -> bigger change those happen. And if he is new daddy, well, baby steps there. And always give good feedback over things he is doing well and what you like.