[UPDATE] Poly Daddy and Mono Little

[Little.Pet.Kate]

So.. My daddy is polyamorous and I am not.. I don't know how to feel about it cause he says he feels like showing his love to others but I am very possessive. 

 

Here's my main problem.. does he not love me enough? Am I not enough to keep him satisfied? 

 

I am in love with this man and I can't... He's mine and mine only.. I dunno if I could let someone else love him, even though I'd get the same love. Ya know? 

 

I want him to.. love me for me and no one else.. 

 

I was open to poly but I don't know if I am or not.. it's like.. I want to be with him, marry him, have kids with him.. I don't want my children to have 3 parents.. 

 

I need help.. any advice?

 

[uPDATE]

 

I tried talking to him about it.. he got really emotional and said that he wasn't really looking for a poly relationship, that he's happy with me. When I told him that I was willing to try, he said that he didn't want me pretending to be something I'm not. 

 

I told him that his happiness was my happiness and that I wanted him to be happy. He said that just because he's not in a poly relationship doesn't mean he's not happy.. and that he'd much rather make me happy and be in a mono relationship with me than be in a poly relationship and have me be unhappy.

 

Is this good? A breakthrough? Or should we continue to talk about it?

Edited May 6, 2019 by Little.Pet.Kate

[TwilightSparklez]

Wow I am sorry that can be a tough spot to be in. In my experience you are either poly or your not, there is no trying to be poly. In my case I had a very bad view of poly given to me by my ex that turned me off and once I got to understand what poly really was, I realized that it was a part of who I am in as much as I am a little.

 

Jealousy will come up in poly relationships at times because honestly we are all human and it's best to talk to your partner about it especially if you are feeling so strongly. I will say poly people typically don't love one partner more than the others he  loves you a lot but he has so much love to share he feels a need to express that same love to multiple people. Sort of like having a really amazing chocolate cake, he wants share how amazing that cake is with others. I don't know if that made any sense.

 

If you are wired for monogamy it is very common to pose the question "Aren't I enough?" The important thing to remember when this question comes up is it’s not because you don’t have enough to offer. It’s not because you don’t meet the needs of your partner. It’s not because your partner doesn’t love you, or because your partner is selfish,  or because you aren’t good enough.  

 

Did you go into this relationship as a poly or mono relationship? I am asking because I would hope you were given a full understanding of what you were going into before feelings got to interwoven. The long and short is your partner will never be happy having only you as a partner and you may have to take a deep hard long look at if you are going to be okay with sharing his time and having other people in his life that he loves because your happiness is also super duper important. 

Edited May 3, 2019 by TwilightSparklez

[LittleTeacup]

Hi Kate,

 

Sometimes polyamorous people are ok with one partner if that's what their partner wants. You say he "feels like showing his love to others" but is this a very strong need for him or just something he likes to do but can hold back for you?

 

I promise it's not because he doesn't love you enough or you can't satisfy him. Love is so huge and encompasses the whole world, and some people feel this love when around multiple people. Others may only feel it with one person. Neither way is wrong.

 

I suggest having a serious adult conversation with him about it. Lay out your concerns and fears and let him share his side. Then try to find a solution together. You've just gotten into a relationship and the feelings are probably most intense now. Perhaps when the intensity subsides a bit and you know each other better you will feel differently. Or not. I can't tell that for you but it's very important to talk with him about it.

[MrDaddydarnit]

not compatible run. 

[baby_k]

What @DaddyDomit said.

 

You most likely just are not compatible. Bit same as if you want kids and he wouldn't. You can try to "compromise" with that and think you are fine without the kids ( /or that you wouldn't mind having them ) but reality is that you can't really compromise with things like that. In the end there is just bitterness and regret.

 

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel and you should not try to be poly if you are not ( and I would have pretty strong indication ot that way based on what you wrote, you were open to it but turned out that you are not really into it ).

 

There is nothing wrong with you if you are "possessive" and want your partner just to yourself. Most people are like that and also people who are perfectly mentally healthy   And that is not just some selfesteem issue or whatever someone might say to you.

 

You need to come with terms on that he just is different from most people as he is poly. This has nothing to do with you or how much he loves you. It is about him.

 

So, think carefully on what you want ( even it seems clear: you want husband, kids.... the typical stuff, and no extra romantic interests there ), and tell him that.

 

It's possible that you find some resolution to your situation you both can be happy with. But most likely not and then you just need to consider how much pain it will prevent to break up now than after either one of you or both has needed to compromise and even act against your own values. Now there is not yet bitterness towards each other, so even it is painful to break up, it is still less painful than being hurt in the rel first and then have messy breakup if there is too may things and toxic compromises done ( people tend to act poorly after those as they feel hurt and lost ).

[PrincessAurora]

So I can chime in here. 

I'm poly, my partner has TWO mono partners. Poly doesn't mean we don't love our partner enough. think of it. as we have a lot of love to share.

However. this does NOT mean you can't talk to him about your feelings. we're poly not heartless lol

 

 

Now if you two do agree to him still being poly, remember you are the current PRIMARY partner. you set rules with him as the primary for him to follow.  you partner, unless their an asshole will ALWAYS tell you if their talking to a potential. You do not have to meet any of these partners if you guys agree to allow him to continue to have poly relationships. there is no rule saying you have to meet them or hang out with them.
If you two do continue along your path and get married one day and have kids. his partners would never be considered parents to the kids. they'd be "daddies friends", unless you two agree to a triad styled relationship where it's a person you are BOTH dating together. 

Your also still pretty young so at the moment marriage and kids shouldn't be a priority, it should be focusing on getting to know your partner better, especially if you guys just got together a few days ago, talking about marriage after a few days is kind of rushing, especially if you didn't know they were poly before you got together

[LittleCelticLass]

So, two things.

1. Didn't you just start this relationship? It's a bit early to be talking anout kids and marriage. His being poly shouldhave be part of the conversation you had before you got involved in a DDlg (or any really) relationship.

2. Communicate. Communicate. You have to take responsibility for letting him know how you feel. He needs to know your feelings, so the two of you can decide together if a relationship between the two of you is worth exploring.

 

Good luck.

[Little kaiya]

Polyamorous relationships to me really aren't that different than monogamous relationships. They require communication, openness, honesty and discussion of boundaries and limits, the same as a monogamous one.

 

I can't and won't try to explain why your Daddy is polyamorous or not as I'm not inside his head. I wont try and assure you that you are enough to keep him satisfied or say that you're not enough because again, I'm not inside his head. The only person who can truly answer those questions are HIM, the rest of us would just be making assumptions based on our personal experiences. What I can say is personally

my wife, Daddy and I are in a closed, non hierarchical triad because we all love one another, for us it has nothing to do with anyone not being enough.

 

What I can say with certainty is if you continue dating this man WITHOUT talking about this issue you will both face a very difficult time. You are entitled to your feelings about wanting him to yourself and he is entitled to his feelings of wanting multiple partners. You shouldn't have to change your feelings for him, nor should he have to change his for you. Communication is truly essential.

 

As for not wanting your children to have three parents, well that's up to you and your partner. Princess Aurora talks about you being the primary partner, well that is ONE style of polyamorous relationship, it doesnt mean that's the one necessarily for you and your boyfriend, it may be or it may not. In my triad there is no primary or secondary partner, we are all equal. You may both want it or to be honest he may not, again, the only one who can tell you what he wants is him. Is it possible he would want your children to view his partners as parents without being in a triad, yes, maybe, perhaps not, you would need to discuss it with him.

 

The last thing I would add, is if you are having doubts now it is unlikely to get better in the future without a discussion. Your desires and his sound incompatible based on what you've written but to be fair that's only one side of the story. I encourage you to think long and hard about what you both want because in my experience often monogamous people who say they can "deal" with a poly partner often regret that decision in the future when they're really honest with themselves. Incompatibility happens, it isn't bad, unless people choose to ignore it when making important life choices like marriage.

 

Little kaiya

Edited May 4, 2019 by Little kaiya

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Wow I am sorry that can be a tough spot to be in. In my experience you are either poly or your not, there is no trying to be poly. In my case I had a very bad view of poly given to me by my ex that turned me off and once I got to understand what poly really was, I realized that it was a part of who I am in as much as I am a little.

 

Jealousy will come up in poly relationships at times because honestly we are all human and it's best to talk to your partner about it especially if you are feeling so strongly. I will say poly people typically don't love one partner more than the others he  loves you a lot but he has so much love to share he feels a need to express that same love to multiple people. Sort of like having a really amazing chocolate cake, he wants share how amazing that cake is with others. I don't know if that made any sense.

 

If you are wired for monogamy it is very common to pose the question "Aren't I enough?" The important thing to remember when this question comes up is it’s not because you don’t have enough to offer. It’s not because you don’t meet the needs of your partner. It’s not because your partner doesn’t love you, or because your partner is selfish,  or because you aren’t good enough.  

 

Did you go into this relationship as a poly or mono relationship? I am asking because I would hope you were given a full understanding of what you were going into before feelings got to interwoven. The long and short is your partner will never be happy having only you as a partner and you may have to take a deep hard long look at if you are going to be okay with sharing his time and having other people in his life that he loves because your happiness is also super duper important. 

 

I knew he was poly but he said he could be just happy with me.. But I feel guilty as hell

[Little.Pet.Kate]

So, two things.

1. Didn't you just start this relationship? It's a bit early to be talking anout kids and marriage. His being poly shouldhave be part of the conversation you had before you got involved in a DDlg (or any really) relationship.

2. Communicate. Communicate. You have to take responsibility for letting him know how you feel. He needs to know your feelings, so the two of you can decide together if a relationship between the two of you is worth exploring.

 

Good luck.

 

We just OFFICIALLY started the relationship like.. on the 10 but I decided to make it public when I got his consent.. we've been talking for a very long time.. 

[TwilightSparklez]

I knew he was poly but he said he could be just happy with me.. But I feel guilty as hell

 

Unfortunately he may have have not been truthful with you or himself for that matter going into the relationship which happens more often than not but I am not in his head so I don't know. I am going to reiterate what we are all mentioning, the next and best thing you can do is sit down and discuss everything out. Remember in the end both of your happiness is what is important, but nothing is going to get resolved until you communicate. 

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Unfortunately he may have have not been truthful with you or himself for that matter going into the relationship which happens more often than not but I am not in his head so I don't know. I am going to reiterate what we are all mentioning, the next and best thing you can do is sit down and discuss everything out. Remember in the end both of your happiness is what is important, but nothing is going to get resolved until you communicate. 

 

thank you guyss

[Guest QueenJellybean]

hi there! i know i'm late to this party, but it's polyamory + i couldn't resist.

 

i did read your update, and it sounds like this is all sorted, but i just wanted to add that as a polyamorous person, 

it's definitely possible to date a monogamous person while they are still polyamorous/seeing multiple people,

but it's not advisable/doesn't always work out. 

 

this is a controversial opinion even in the polya community, but i stand by it pretty firmly based on my own personal experiences. 

i've dated monogamous partners while in a polyamorous relationship, and unless that person is your primary partner + you are doing hierarchical polyamory, it doesn't tend to end well.
simply speaking -- it's a compatibility issue!
(and of course, there are exceptions to this -- these are my experiences only here.)

 

however. 
only you + your partner know your relationship best.

from your update, it sounds like your partner isn't interested in polyamory anymore, which is totally fine. 
polyamorous folks can definitely be happy in monogamous relationships. 
polyamory is a lifestyle choice, and needs to be treated that way. 

 

as a polyamorous queer individual, it really upsets me when people compare being polyamorous to being interested in the same sex. 
you may not be choosing to love more than one person at a time, but you are certainly choosing to act on those feelings. 
that's what makes polyamory different from cheating -- the conscious decision to inform and seek consent from your partners. 
these are choices.

 

... and to step off my soap box,

it sounds like you and your partner have made a valid one!

and i hope that it works out. 

 
 

[PrincessAurora]

 

 

 

[uPDATE]

 

I tried talking to him about it.. he got really emotional and said that he wasn't really looking for a poly relationship, that he's happy with me. When I told him that I was willing to try, he said that he didn't want me pretending to be something I'm not. 

 

I told him that his happiness was my happiness and that I wanted him to be happy. He said that just because he's not in a poly relationship doesn't mean he's not happy.. and that he'd much rather make me happy and be in a mono relationship with me than be in a poly relationship and have me be unhappy.

 

Is this good? A breakthrough? Or should we continue to talk about it?

 

No that is good. as i said before. we're poly not heartless.

we don't force this on our partners and if a partner is uncomfortable with it. WE WANT TO KNOW. so we can work it out/ see if it can be worked out.

if you want to keep talking to him though about poly that's up to you. and later down the line once you two are established in your relationship more you can bring up the topic again and see how you feel about the set up. but i'd definitely do some research online, talk to some poly couples. just learn about it so you have a better understanding of what it really is