Platitudes

[SamL]

I have avoided asking about this almost since the first day I found this forum because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I've finally come to terms with the fact that there's no way to ask this to avoid it and I desperately want to understand it and so...

 

What the heck is with all the banal platitudes here? What do I mean? Can I give an example? Sure.

 

Don't worry, the perfect daddy/little is out there for you.

 

If you've been going to munches/events for any length of time then you've seen/met people in their fifties, sixties and beyond who are still looking and have a lifetime full of failed relationships. Even in the greater community at large – among people with no kinks at all and the whole world to choose from, many people never find that special someone. I understand that this can be a depressing thought, but bullshitting oneself doesn't last forever and while you were in denial, your depression was doing push-ups in the backroom just waiting for another go at you.

 

You are beautiful just the way you are.

 

I'm not sure I've seen this, or a variation of this, sent to someone with a photo of themselves up. Personally, I'm demi-sexual, so I get this – but the people that are being fed this crap are being fed this specifically because they're concerned about their looks, their weight, their height, their age, etc. So, well meaning folks, who have never seen a picture of them, are trying to assure them they're beautiful while living in a world that cares WAY more about peoples outsides than they do their insides.

 

Don't worry; things will get better.

 

I live in an apartment building that has some troubled folks in here. In fact, most of the tenants came from the streets and there is large number of people here with both mental health issues, alcoholism and/or drug addiction. If I had to guess I'd say 95%/35%/70%. I've heard the social workers tell residents that everything will be okay or get better almost every day and yet – if nothing changes, nothing changes. The majority of these people keep doing the same things expecting different results. Two people on my floor have committed suicide so far this year, and four more have left the floor on a gurney en route to either the hospital or mental health facility. There are only fourteen apartments on my floor so, one less than 50% of all residents in the first four months of the year...and there's still a couple of days left! Things don't always get better.

 

Better, in my opinion, is trying to figure out why you've tied your happiness to finding the 'perfect' partner. THAT will have long term positive results. If you find that you really must find the perfect partner, then become the perfect partner – like attracts like.

 

As for beautiful just the way you are...maybe, maybe not. I will say this: if people spent just half the time trying to make themselves as beautiful on the inside as they do on the outside – they would probably have a line of potential suitors that would cause traffic jams.

 

As for things getting better... do nothing to improve those things that suck in your life, then probably not. If you hate your life – change your life. If you hate your attitude – change your attitude. You can do it and we can support you – but not by telling you that it's going to be easy. Nope, it's going to be hard. You can do hard things though...and that's not an empty platitude.

 

[Guest Aetherr]

honestly i think those kinds of people just want/need validation from any source doesn't matter how impersonal and generic it sounds.. they just want to hear something nices and i have to say i have been in that boat a few times where a nice thing regardless of the source can make a huge difference to my mood

 

i think its a matter of self esteem if you have it you don't care who says what about you but there are many who don't have that luxury

[SamL]

honestly i think those kinds of people just want/need validation from any source doesn't matter how impersonal and generic it sounds.. they just want to hear something nices and i have to say i have been in that boat a few times where a nice thing regardless of the source can make a huge difference to my mood

 

i think its a matter of self esteem if you have it you don't care who says what about you but there are many who don't have that luxury

 

First, thanks for your response.  I have a question for you if you don't mind.  Do you find, for yourself, that hearing something that sounds nice is helpful even when you know it's bullshit?

 

The concern that I have (when searching for something helpful to say) is that relying on another person's esteem of you is dangerous.  When they leave, they take your esteem with them....because it was never really yours to begin with.  That tends to leave the person in worse shape than before.  

[Guest Aetherr]

That is precisely the situation i am in right now if im honest, i put alot of my self worth in what people think of me, i mean in my eyes what else could leave a longer lasting impression

 

and as for generic platitudes i know they are low effort and passed around without thought but people can empathize with you because you chose to share it may even start a dialogue where you started by sharing and that person decides to share something with you and it passes some time at the least and could turn into a valuable friendship at most

 

i mean for me today i am not in a good place mentally and the first thing i did was reach out for external comfort i dont care if its from strangers or not i feel suffocated when i am alone and i spend alot of time alone.

 

at the end of the day i just want to make and keep friends and meet someone who sees enough good in me to want to be with me and in my eyes the only way i can feel i can win people over is by trying to impress/entertain them

 

for me personally i could say all the motivational and good things about myself that i wanted but i start to feel like i am just lying to myself when i spend more time alone than not and that alone time not being something i ever wanted

 

i hope that gives you more insight into why i personally value outside opinions and niceties as much

[SamL]

Aetherr, 

 

It does (give me more insight into why you personally value...).  I'm a little sad about it though.  I think that you are a very kind person, who is capable of offering quite a bit to a partner.  In a perfect world (by my standards) you would know this about yourself.  And since I believe that I was clear regarding my position on empty platitudes, I hope you can believe that I'm being sincere.  

 

Memories of a comment directed toward me on this site once is giving me pause at the moment....i.e. I can't possibly know them because I haven't chatted with them, etc., so perhaps a bit more on how I arrived at that conclusion about you is in order.  I played poker professionally for twenty-four years.  I wrote a book on the game and the section of the book that received the most acclaim was the section on 'reading people'.  In that section, I spoke about taking a month off from playing cards because I felt I was relying too heavily on reading people through visual clues and so I spent a month working as a telephone psychic to see what I could glean from purely audio clues - taking the visual cues out of the picture.  Between inflection, word choice, topic chosen to discuss etc., I found that I could learn much more than I gave myself credit for when I could just see them.  I've read your posts, YOU are in there for me to see, and you look like a good guy.

[baby_k]

Alright, let's see as I'm probably quilty for many if not all XD

 

Don't worry, the perfect daddy/little is out there for you.

 

 

( I would avoid saying perfect little/daddy for being an engineer I think good enough should be just fine )

 

That statement is something I believe in and what is also my experience. However, I have had those "perfect" people already....what....5 or more in my life. Some lasted only few months, some decade. What is important that with those people I was happy. Even if it didn't last till the end of my life.

 

I would like to believe that I could find my "rest of life" person but I start to be quite alright with the idea that some people share the journey with us just for some while. After them there will be something new, and often someone new. But the happiness I can get from there is already great. ( And I know I can survive the tears even sometimes it doesn't feel that way. )

 

So, hopeless romantic maybe but I believe in love and specially in romatic love. Somehow it always seems to find me even when I feel all hope is lost. And therefore I assume this will happen to everybody else too.

 

 

You are beautiful just the way you are.

 

 

This I don't admit really using this but sometimes if the other person seem to be in utter panic what they seem to need is some encouraging words. Just to feel they matter, I see them and world is not that ugly place but people can still care for even a stranger. Those nice words can mean the world to the person who is not really in their right mind at that point.

 

But I agree with you that I really don't see any point using worlds like that unless I know the person and they are true, or if there is no specific point like I described above. And even if I don't know them I have skill to see something beautiful in the person ( not visually.... ) or at least I can believe there is something good in them which I can then tell them about. No one is 100% horrible ( but then again: I would try to avoid saying they are totally beautiful but that there is something beautiful in them ).

 

Often selfesteem is issue with people and even it is super bad idea to build your selfesteem over what others say, I think hearing something nice about yourself can help you to start noticing your good sides and enforcing them.

 

 

Don't worry; things will get better.

 

 

Maybe horrible to say but I really don't associate with people who have massive issues. I have friends who may really struggle but each one of them has real potential in them.

 

And again that statement is something I believe in. Things can seem utterly s*it but things change, nothing lasts forever. And if something nasty will last super long, I'm sure person facing that can develop ways to cope with it -> things are better for they can deal with it better. This all is of course based on people having decent head ( and decent environment ), so for them and me things always do get better. Sometimes things obviously get worse too as that is what happens in life, it is filled with ups and downs. Sometimes you are super happy, sometimes so sad that the Mariana trench doesn't seem deep enough.

 

I seem to be talking of this book everywhere but let's add here too: Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, it is not the best book on planet but it gives perspective. It shows how people can enjoy small things, how we hold on to hope. How love matters just because...it's love.

 

And I do believe there is hope as long as there is life, so

 

 

Edit: I also assume people actually actively do something, try different approaches and don't just sit waiting for mirracle. So then there is quite big change things improve for not all your approaches can eternally be that bad.

Edited April 28, 2019 by baby_k

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Sometimes people are looking for reassurance.  It's a comfort thing.

[SamL]

So grateful for your perspective baby_k, as always.  Let me share a bit about me as it applies here:

 

I am not in a relationship, have no interest in getting in one, and am happy.  There is no little out there that is so perfect (for me) that she would improve my life or add to my happiness.

 

You're beautiful just the way you are?  Look, I'm 54 years old - I left beautiful back in the late 90's or so and it's all downhill from here.  I am so unbelievably okay with this.  Trying to determine the sincerity of someone who shows interest in you is probably a tad challenging when you're Liam Hemsworth and have eight figures in the bank.  Being old and broke - if you show any interest in me, I don't have to worry it's about the money or how hot I am.  You must actually like me.  Things will get better?  Maybe.  I have an incurable, untreatable, and progressive auto-immune disorder that, according to my doctors, will kill me eventually.  In the meantime, chronic pain continues to increase and the auto-immune continues to wreak havoc on the rest of my bodily systems so that now I have chronic heart disease, chronic lung disease, kidney disease stage 3, liver disease stage four, etc.etc. Now I'm not bitching (really) because really, I am happy - shit happens and it was my turn, you know?  But it is much more likely to continue to get worse, never better.  

 

Even my doctors sometimes will slip and offer some ridiculous platitude and I'll shoot him or her a smirk and they backtrack...I guess they just don't know what to say.

[SamL]

Sometimes people are looking for reassurance.  It's a comfort thing.

 

Reassurance means, 'the action of removing one's fears and doubts.'.  Do you think these platitudes actually do remove their doubts?  My daughter would often ask me if something was going to be all right and more often than not, I'd assure her that I would do everything in my power to make certain that it was.  When I told her that everything would be okay though, she knew that she could take that to the bank.

[baby_k]

So grateful for your perspective baby_k, as always.  Let me share a bit about me as it applies here:

 

I am not in a relationship, have no interest in getting in one, and am happy.  There is no little out there that is so perfect (for me) that she would improve my life or add to my happiness.

 

You're beautiful just the way you are?  Look, I'm 54 years old - I left beautiful back in the late 90's or so and it's all downhill from here.  I am so unbelievably okay with this.  Trying to determine the sincerity of someone who shows interest in you is probably a tad challenging when you're Liam Hemsworth and have eight figures in the bank.  Being old and broke - if you show any interest in me, I don't have to worry it's about the money or how hot I am.  You must actually like me.  Things will get better?  Maybe.  I have an incurable, untreatable, and progressive auto-immune disorder that, according to my doctors, will kill me eventually.  In the meantime, chronic pain continues to increase and the auto-immune continues to wreak havoc on the rest of my bodily systems so that now I have chronic heart disease, chronic lung disease, kidney disease stage 3, liver disease stage four, etc.etc. Now I'm not bitching (really) because really, I am happy - shit happens and it was my turn, you know?  But it is much more likely to continue to get worse, never better.  

 

Even my doctors sometimes will slip and offer some ridiculous platitude and I'll shoot him or her a smirk and they backtrack...I guess they just don't know what to say.

 

I think your case is obviously bit more complex than if I would talk to some  healthy 18 year old ( to whom those platitudes serve more of purpose maybe ).

 

If you have no interest in having a little and you are happy, then that is enough and good. I don't think having a rel should be any kind of goal in life, it's mabe more of a bonus that can add to your life ( but oh they also bring you misery, stress and fights too XD ). I'd say that without realising it you may still find someone who adds to your live, even it may not be even romantic partner. Maybe the question is just about appreciating life and what it gives to us. Also as friends, people we meet and so on.

 

People are social creatures and I think finding connection with anyone gives us great deal of pleasure. Connection to your romantic interest/ partner goes easily deep and therefor also gives deep pleasure + it is something that is easy/acceptable to seek imo. Finding friends is not such a thing when you compare to the amount of dating websites and apps.

 

***

 

You didn't ask this but:

 

I think you are beautiful person. You have helped me, some random nobody in internet great deal, given me your time and so on. Why? Maybe you have your selfish reasons but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate all you have done never the less. I also see you giving balanced and well thought advice to others, trying to help them, trying to help others see their own limitations and what all they could be. I think many things you think or the way you think is beautiful and I have lot to learn there. I also always appreciate any person who wonders when they look at the world. I don't know why but to me taht is precious.

 

Do you have bad sides? Undoubtedly. Everybody does. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be beautiful person still.

 

***

 

This is something people may see as utter bulls*it but try to deal with me. I have one dream which is: to smile when I die. I wish I can accept death smiling, have peace there. No matter what has happened just before but that on the moment I find peace. May not happen but if does, then things got better and were great just when I take my last breaths.

 

Will things get better with you? That depends how you define it. If the only way you define it is that you miraculously get better, have no pain etc, well, then I have to say that chances are pretty low. But maybe you find something you like, some meaning to your life, maybe you can find on somedays something positive or you see that you can change world for better even if it is just a little bit or your pains are little less bad for some time or something suprices you or gives you new ideas on some random matter. So, maybe for moment things are better then.

 

( Obviously easy for me to say all this but I think you are grown up enough to see what I try to say still )

[baby_k]

I love this scene, and somehow it came to my mind with this topic:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1P4kkWDmrw ( NSFW )

[SamL]

I think your case is obviously bit more complex than if I would talk to some  healthy 18 year old ( to whom those platitudes serve more of purpose maybe ).

 

Right to the first part.  I'm not sure about the second part.  Having once been a (physically) healthy 18 year old who had been on the receiving end of such platitudes - and now being an old sot with a bit of perspective, I'm not sure they ever helped.  It wasn't that I didn't want to hear that I was awesome - but since I didn't believe it myself, I lost respect for anyone who was stupid enough to think I was.  Since I didn't respect or trust them after they clearly made up all that nice stuff which I so obviously didn't deserve (according to my low self esteem at the time) I would stop sharing myself with them.

 

If you have no interest in having a little and you are happy, then that is enough and good. I don't think having a rel should be any kind of goal in life, it's mabe more of a bonus that can add to your life ( but oh they also bring you misery, stress and fights too XD ). I'd say that without realising it you may still find someone who adds to your live, even it may not be even romantic partner. Maybe the question is just about appreciating life and what it gives to us. Also as friends, people we meet and so on.

 

Well, as you know, I have DID - and with it, an ingrown couple of littles along with a middle.  Taking care of them brings me a lot of pleasure - and at some level it counts as self-care too so win-win.  Regarding the misery, stress et al on one side and the happiness on the other side of relationships, I have cautioned anyone who will listen: Be very careful in your choice of partner; 90% of all your joy and 90% of all your misery in life will come from this single decision.

 

You didn't ask this but:

 

I think you are beautiful person. You have helped me, some random nobody in internet great deal, given me your time and so on. Why? Maybe you have your selfish reasons but that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate all you have done never the less. I also see you giving balanced and well thought advice to others, trying to help them, trying to help others see their own limitations and what all they could be. I think many things you think or the way you think is beautiful and I have lot to learn there. I also always appreciate any person who wonders when they look at the world. I don't know why but to me taht is precious.

 

Aw shucks... you are a random somebody though, not a random nobody.    Thank you.  The unexamined life and all...

 

Do you have bad sides? Undoubtedly. Everybody does. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be beautiful person still.

 

What?  Me!?  I had no idea!   

 

***

 

This is something people may see as utter bulls*it but try to deal with me. I have one dream which is: to smile when I die. I wish I can accept death smiling, have peace there. No matter what has happened just before but that on the moment I find peace. May not happen but if does, then things got better and were great just when I take my last breaths.

 

Will things get better with you? That depends how you define it. If the only way you define it is that you miraculously get better, have no pain etc, well, then I have to say that chances are pretty low. But maybe you find something you like, some meaning to your life, maybe you can find on somedays something positive or you see that you can change world for better even if it is just a little bit or your pains are little less bad for some time or something suprices you or gives you new ideas on some random matter. So, maybe for moment things are better then.

 

( Obviously easy for me to say all this but I think you are grown up enough to see what I try to say still   )

 

I get it.  As I said, I am a happy panda...okay well, I didn't actually use the word panda but you know...  Things are great with me.  My body - not so much, but fortunately, I am not my body and so...  which brings me full circle in this conversation I think.  I believe what I just said btw, I am not my body.  Cut my hair - I'm still me.  Lose both legs in a train accident?  Still me.  Put on 200 kg?  Still me.  Take it all back off - still me.  I am Theseus's ship and everything that counts about me cannot be damaged by time or disease.  I really believe that and so...telling someone that they are already beautiful, while it something that I believe is true - most people's ideas about 'who they are' are different than mine.  When I tell them that I think they are beautiful already, they don't hear my heart, they hear their own tapes and apply it to their version of what 'me' means to them.  We aren't communicating.

[LittleTeacup]

I have avoided asking about this almost since the first day I found this forum because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I've finally come to terms with the fact that there's no way to ask this to avoid it and I desperately want to understand it and so...

 

What the heck is with all the banal platitudes here? What do I mean? Can I give an example? Sure.

 

Don't worry, the perfect daddy/little is out there for you.

 

If you've been going to munches/events for any length of time then you've seen/met people in their fifties, sixties and beyond who are still looking and have a lifetime full of failed relationships. Even in the greater community at large – among people with no kinks at all and the whole world to choose from, many people never find that special someone. I understand that this can be a depressing thought, but bullshitting oneself doesn't last forever and while you were in denial, your depression was doing push-ups in the backroom just waiting for another go at you.

 

You are beautiful just the way you are.

 

I'm not sure I've seen this, or a variation of this, sent to someone with a photo of themselves up. Personally, I'm demi-sexual, so I get this – but the people that are being fed this crap are being fed this specifically because they're concerned about their looks, their weight, their height, their age, etc. So, well meaning folks, who have never seen a picture of them, are trying to assure them they're beautiful while living in a world that cares WAY more about peoples outsides than they do their insides.

 

Don't worry; things will get better.

 

I live in an apartment building that has some troubled folks in here. In fact, most of the tenants came from the streets and there is large number of people here with both mental health issues, alcoholism and/or drug addiction. If I had to guess I'd say 95%/35%/70%. I've heard the social workers tell residents that everything will be okay or get better almost every day and yet – if nothing changes, nothing changes. The majority of these people keep doing the same things expecting different results. Two people on my floor have committed suicide so far this year, and four more have left the floor on a gurney en route to either the hospital or mental health facility. There are only fourteen apartments on my floor so, one less than 50% of all residents in the first four months of the year...and there's still a couple of days left! Things don't always get better.

 

Better, in my opinion, is trying to figure out why you've tied your happiness to finding the 'perfect' partner. THAT will have long term positive results. If you find that you really must find the perfect partner, then become the perfect partner – like attracts like.

 

As for beautiful just the way you are...maybe, maybe not. I will say this: if people spent just half the time trying to make themselves as beautiful on the inside as they do on the outside – they would probably have a line of potential suitors that would cause traffic jams.

 

As for things getting better... do nothing to improve those things that suck in your life, then probably not. If you hate your life – change your life. If you hate your attitude – change your attitude. You can do it and we can support you – but not by telling you that it's going to be easy. Nope, it's going to be hard. You can do hard things though...and that's not an empty platitude.

 

 

Won't hurt my feelings

 

I think the "you'll find the perfect little/daddy" thing is mainly because lots of people complain endlessly about how they'll never find someone or they just keep dating "fakes" and others want them to shut up. Maybe they've convinced themselves they're being helpful but in my opinion this is what it boils down to. I've probably been guilty of it before too but I can't remember. Because what would really be helpful would be listening to that person rant on until they run out of steam and then acknowledging how they're probably hurting really bad and you care. In our culture, we're taught we get love from a romantic partner and we can never be happy otherwise... this is obviously untrue since love is all around us. It's what I believe the Universe is made of. Other people can help us feel it of course, but it's there within reach for us all no matter what - even if we're being tortured in a military prison somewhere. Not saying it's easy, just possible.

 

For the "you're beautiful just the way you are" I believe everyone is beautiful as long as they're themselves. If they try so hard to be somebody else maybe not. But it's always worth reminding people to be themselves, even if it seems hard. I wouldn't word it that way though because it could sound like you're dismissing them. I guess it's like the "perfect little/daddy" thing. Somebody's hurting and crying out for help and you don't want to hear it so you just tell them they're beautiful with no further explanation, indicating there's nothing more to say - conversation's over.

 

And "things will get better". Well this one I know I've said before! But it's generally aimed at people who are blowing minor things way out of proportion. Even if not though, I believe having a positive attitude makes everything more likely to get better than having a negative attitude does. Placebo effect you know? If someone's sick in bed and believes they'll never get well again, that's not gonna help them actually get well. Especially if it makes them reject things like physical therapy or eating healthier as "useless". But your state of mind actually affects the functioning of your immune system. I do agree with you it's good to include a call to action.

 

Now I also want to point out I don't mind when people make status updates like "everybody here is beautiful" or "you'll find your special someone one day" or whatever. These statements aren't directed towards anyone in particular and therefore I think they're more effective. If someone with low self esteem keeps seeing random comments everywhere like that, it might sink into them that maybe they ARE beautiful and they WILL find somebody someday and stop worrying so much. Many people are damaged from their childhoods and need to heal in adulthood. Some never make it. To heal we have to fight against our dominant culture which is built on fear, not love. Fear makes people buy things advertised as the solution to their problems after all. Fear keeps people from resting and thinking critically about their lives. Fear makes people easier to control. But love makes us strong and independent.

 

So I wanna say I love everyone here. I try to write thoughtful comments when I can. Sometimes I'm tired and can't take the time. And sometimes I fail and think I'd rather not listen to somebody's pain. It's hard when there's a lot of people in pain and few able to help. In airplanes when they go through the safety routine they tell you to put the air mask on yourself first before helping others. Well there's a lot of people who need help putting their air masks on and just a couple able to do it themselves. I'm going on a little ramble now but sometimes I feel bad that I can't help everyone. I have some anxiety issues and sometimes think I'm not good enough or I'll never become more independent (I still live with my parents at age 28). But fortunately I can listen to my favorite musical artist who's kinda like a lighthouse for me and my heart is set right again.

 

Well I've probably missed something, but I did my best answering this.

[baby_k]

This gets difficutlt to reply but let's try

 

 

I think your case is obviously bit more complex than if I would talk to some  healthy 18 year old ( to whom those platitudes serve more of purpose maybe ).

 

Right to the first part.  I'm not sure about the second part.  Having once been a (physically) healthy 18 year old who had been on the receiving end of such platitudes - and now being an old sot with a bit of perspective, I'm not sure they ever helped.  It wasn't that I didn't want to hear that I was awesome - but since I didn't believe it myself, I lost respect for anyone who was stupid enough to think I was.  Since I didn't respect or trust them after they clearly made up all that nice stuff which I so obviously didn't deserve (according to my low self esteem at the time) I would stop sharing myself with them.

 

I think it depends on person: to someone they really do help. I actually love reading cheesy love/breakup quotes when I'm heartbroken for example as somehow I feel better after them. Maybe it has something to do with wanting to believe in fairytales, wanting to have hope. Everything feel so much better if you have faith or hope ( that things can get better ). And as I wrote in my first reply, I believe that mostly things will get better if things are bad ( even they also will get worse too at some point but let's try not to think depressing things ).

 

Life is ups and downs, and I find it better to focus on the ups.

 

If we think the 18 year old, probabilities are pretty high that they will fall in love at least once in their future life, most likely they wil have many relationships and relationships feel great normally at least in the start. So, for a moment at least things are better because being in love is.... well, awesome brain cocktail imo.

 

Also if we consider why they are miserable, maybe it is because recent break up: well, people tend to get over breakups eventually. Or I have not heard of person who can feel the same misery after decades over one specific breakup. Feelings and emotions come and go, it just is impossible to stay for example angry 24/7, same with sadness and other emotions. I think there was some claim/study that emotions lasts less then some minutes ( based on releasing chemicals and them wearing off or something, I don't remember ), after that you need to sort of actively give fuel to the emotion, so it keeps going. I was bit skeptical ( still am with the details ) but if you consider what happens with rising emotion, it doesn't last long. If you get angry at someone, it is like rush. And then it can still keep going but it is bit like waves imo, sometimes stronger, sometimes less. And at least I don't have the energy to really feel anger for long, it is exhausting. Soooooo, if one thinks can things be better just from the point of can one has less negative emotions, how does the situation feel, I would claim the situation will feel different.

 

"It wasn't that I didn't want to hear that I was awesome - but since I didn't believe it myself"

This could be important thing actually. Maybe platitudes are just to remind us on what we believe. Like we can believe in better tomorrow or that we find love. So, when feeling horrible, platitudes can help to remember that world is not as crap as it seems on that moment. So, platitudes are maybe like prayers in religion.

 

If you don't believe in yourself, there really isn't much anyone can say to you to feel better. Often I still think people have at least hope that they are something, so you can support the person by enforcing the hope and hopefully that sort of fake lift to selfesteem helps them to start to develop their selfesteem by themself. Bit like offering people a hand or walking stick: to help them before they can walk themselves alone.

 

I also believe that if we really want something, we should remind ourselves on that. There are treasure maps/ vision boards which I think work. Not because of magic but because we start to work towards our goals. Like I have noticed that as I would want to be healthy person, so as I have kept reminding myself of that value/ideal I have, I make more easily decisions that support this goal. Like if I have chocolate on table but also a smoothie in fridge: I used to just take the quickest one (==chocolate for no need to even open fridge door ). But now I take the smoothie as I have trained my brain to prefer that and to choose things based on my values.

 

 

If you have no interest in having a little and you are happy, then that is enough and good. I don't think having a rel should be any kind of goal in life, it's mabe more of a bonus that can add to your life ( but oh they also bring you misery, stress and fights too XD ). I'd say that without realising it you may still find someone who adds to your live, even it may not be even romantic partner. Maybe the question is just about appreciating life and what it gives to us. Also as friends, people we meet and so on.

 

Well, as you know, I have DID - and with it, an ingrown couple of littles along with a middle.  Taking care of them brings me a lot of pleasure - and at some level it counts as self-care too so win-win.  Regarding the misery, stress et al on one side and the happiness on the other side of relationships, I have cautioned anyone who will listen: Be very careful in your choice of partner; 90% of all your joy and 90% of all your misery in life will come from this single decision.

 

( I'm bit jealous of your relationships, tbh XP )

 

 

***

 

-----I really believe that and so...telling someone that they are already beautiful, while it something that I believe is true - most people's ideas about 'who they are' are different than mine.  When I tell them that I think they are beautiful already, they don't hear my heart, they hear their own tapes and apply it to their version of what 'me' means to them.  We aren't communicating.

 

I believe that we can never really know the other person, we can only know our relationship to them and how they are in that rel. And each person is different in different relationship. This also means people see themselves really differently than people outside.

 

Sometimes you are in excatly same wavelenght with an other person and that is intoxicating, imo. It doesn't happen often but sometimes. And it is not even about how the two people mosty are. Like overly practical example: I once played this word explaining game and for some reason me and my friend were in absolute sync, I had to say half word when he already guessed what I was going to explain and vice versa. Normally we can't read each other's minds at all.... So was interesting. Anyhow, I think our methods of communication are pretty bad still ( waiting for some experience/emotion transfer thingy for our brains ) but it is all we have. Sometimes communication works better than other times but all we can do is try...

 

 

 

I have feeling I didn't reply at all to your questions/thoughts >_> Bit tired, sorry I may try to take another shot with this if I have rested brain at some point

[SamL]

 

Don't worry; things will get better.

 

I live in an apartment building that has some troubled folks in here. In fact, most of the tenants came from the streets and there is large number of people here with both mental health issues, alcoholism and/or drug addiction. If I had to guess I'd say 95%/35%/70%. I've heard the social workers tell residents that everything will be okay or get better almost every day and yet – if nothing changes, nothing changes. The majority of these people keep doing the same things expecting different results. Two people on my floor have committed suicide so far this year, and four more have left the floor on a gurney en route to either the hospital or mental health facility. There are only fourteen apartments on my floor so, one less than 50% of all residents in the first four months of the year...and there's still a couple of days left! Things don't always get better.

 

And one more just left in the coroners wagon.  I did say there were a couple of days left in this month...

[LittleTeacup]

And one more just left in the coroners wagon.  I did say there were a couple of days left in this month...

 

I cry for your apartment-mates. It sounds like they are unable to handle their environment. Is there some way to have a bright mural painted in the apartment hallway to bring a little beauty in?

 

Also I think mental health facilities should surround patients with love instead of isolating them.

[MysticSand]

I started to read through responses and got through at least half. Then.... tl;dr. ><

 

*shakes fist in air* Arrrrrrrrrgh, social norms!!!!!!! At it again I see!

I'm pretty sure that's why such responses are given.

I'm probably guilty of giving such responses hither and thither, but only if I genuinely believe it.

 

One of the key points you made is that these banal platitudes are pretty present here on the forum - which is the internet and no one really knows each other. So really at the heart of these comments are surface level responses. It may be safe to say that such responses would likely not happen were they responding in-person to a family member with actual deep dire situations going on. Tough love is truth when it comes to people with meaning in one's life - I would hope, anyway!

 

As for things getting better... do nothing to improve those things that suck in your life, then probably not. If you hate your life – change your life. If you hate your attitude – change your attitude. You can do it and we can support you – but not by telling you that it's going to be easy. Nope, it's going to be hard. You can do hard things though...and that's not an empty platitude.

Yes. At the end of the day, we are humans with the ability to think and act for ourselves. Put those pity parties to use and get in some productivity, people!

 

 

P.S.: I didn't know what the word 'platitude' meant before your post. I have learned something today. Thanks!