Problems with Daddy

[willowbunny2787]

Any time I try to talk to my Daddy about something serious, it feels like he's just trying to tell me why I'm wrong or explain why he's doing what he's doing so he doesn't have to change anything. Recently it just seems like he isn't interested in being very dominant with me at all, even when we're being sexual. I don't want to just say to him "I thought you were supposed to be my dom" because we're very close partners outside of that part of our relationship and I love him with all my heart and don't want it to affect anything. I'm hypersexual and I know that it's a lot to deal with for him so I do my best to suppress it, but I can't help but get sad when we go several days or even weeks at a time and he hasn't been at least teasingly dominant with me. It just feels like talking to him doesn't do anything at all.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

Feeling like you have to "suppress" part of yourself for the benefit of your partner isn't a great sign, I'm afraid. You didn't say how long you've been together, but clearly this relationship is very important to you and I appreciate that. However, if you can't be yourself around your partner, if you have to keep part of yourself hidden because he can't deal with it, that's really something you need to talk about as a couple.

 

Communication is key in any relationship, and if you feel like there's something missing or he isn't meeting your needs, talking to him about it is the best way to understand his point of view and make sure he understands yours. It's pure speculation at this point, but there may be any number of reasons why he's changed in his dominant behaviour. Stress could be a part of it - perhaps something work-related. Has he said anything to you about feeling stressed out, or maybe feeling down? Those things can all have an impact on a person's behaviour.

 

There are ways to have this conversation that are more gentle and less likely to be misunderstood. I'd suggest you do what I do when preparing for a serious talk - write down what you want to say. Take as much time as you need; read it back and if you feel like it's too harsh, tone it down. I agree that saying something like "I thought you were supposed to be my dom" might be hurtful, but if you sit down with him and say something like "lately I've noticed you haven't been as dominant as you used to be, is everything okay?" it might make the conversation easier.

 

If you don't say anything, you're taking a chance. Maybe things will get back to the way they were on their own, but it's just as likely that they won't. Until you talk to him and get to the bottom of things, you won't know. Good luck with everything!

[Guest QueenJellybean]

not to echo what was said above, but if you can't communicate with your partner, that indicative of a larger problem. 

perhaps suggest sitting down with him, outside of your dynamic (if you haven't suggested this already, the importance of meta talks are so important)
and tell him that you just want him to listen.

not justify.

not explain.

not apologize.

just listen. 

 

if he can't do that, then there's a much bigger problem in your relationship.

[baby_k]

it feels like he's just trying to tell me why I'm wrong or explain why he's doing what he's doing so he doesn't have to change anything.

 

I just want to give one view point as I have dealt with person who sounds really similar in general but specially this part. Even they may not be anything alike of course.

 

After loads and loads of convos, and digging, and me loosing my mind several times, I finally found out WHY the dude always went explaining things which felt like him giving excuses, belittling my views, emotions + feelings, and telling me I'm wrong. Because he thought he showed caring by doing so.

 

So, where imo there was disrespect and spineless behavior, he thought that by explaining things he showed that the topic was important to him and he had reasons for his behaviour, he cared and wasn't just being nasty. And no, he never apologised or showed any regret if you ask me, even in reality he did feel bad and that's why he tried to explain things as he found it super rude not to.

 

Just sometimes it can be really hard to get to the bottom of things..... But there MAY be reasonable explanation to all.

[The RealDaddyCat]

It sounds like you need to establish a way you let him know that it's not your little side that is wanting to talk but it is your big side that wants to talk. In the past when I have had a baby girl if they called me by my regular name that told me they needed to talk and this was not a part of them just being a brat. It works out is kind of a safe word for your emotions. That way when either one of you call each other by your regular name and not a pet name or what other other names you have that is a signal that both of you need to listen and talk. If he is explaining to use something in the way you're describing it and you're sitting there going but why Daddy he may see that as being your inquisitive side or being your brat side. Not only do we need safe words for physical things we need a safe word for emotional and mental things as well. By using this there can sometimes be less confusion and you can make sure that all sides of you are actually heard.

[willowbunny2787]

Thank you everyone. I think from what he's saying it sounds like he doesn't really want to be much of a dominant to me at all. He said something like "Why can't I just be dominant and sexual when I want to be and not when I don't want to be" and compared it to a job. Isn't being a Daddy or dominant supposed to be a job?

[willowbunny2787]

It sounds like you need to establish a way you let him know that it's not your little side that is wanting to talk but it is your big side that wants to talk.

 

The thing is I'm almost never really able to show my little side with him, because he doesn't act like a Daddy very often. He will get strongly dominant sometimes when he feels like it but for the most part Daddy and Princess feel like pet names and not real roles.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Thank you everyone. I think from what he's saying it sounds like he doesn't really want to be much of a dominant to me at all. He said something like "Why can't I just be dominant and sexual when I want to be and not when I don't want to be" and compared it to a job. Isn't being a Daddy or dominant supposed to be a job?

i had a Caregiver refer to taking care of and interacting with my small side as a job once.

he was “fired” ten minutes later.

 

and that’s all i’ll add about that.

[willowbunny2787]

i had a Caregiver refer to taking care of and interacting with my small side as a job once.

he was “fired” ten minutes later.

 

and that’s all i’ll add about that.

 

I'm so committed to him as a partner, outside the dynamic. Which basically means more than anything else, given the dynamic is such a tiny part of our relationship but I've been desperate for it to be more for so long. I guess I have to come to terms with that not happening

[Guest QueenJellybean]

also definitely a valid option, especially if the dynamic is a small part of your relationship! i hope whatever you choose works out for you both.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

Just a suggestion, but might he be okay with the idea of you having a "babysitter"? Some caregivers are happy to look after littles who have a partner, and if your partner can't do the daddy side of things, perhaps you could have a platonic relationship with another caregiver who could.

 

The other thing is that there are lots of ways to enjoy littlespace without the input of a caregiver. There are quite a few posts I've seen here and in other online communities about that, so maybe you could investigate that. If you could find a way to enjoy being little without him needing to join in, perhaps you wouldn't feel like you have to get used to missing out on this side of yourself.

 

Best of luck with everything!