Going Crazy? Just a rant?

[CryBabyUniWolf]

So... I'm going so crazy. There is so much to say and I don't even know if I'll be able to put everything on here. Just need to vent.

So. I love people. So much. There are amazing people out in this world, and I known that. I guess I would fall into the label "Pansexual". But I'm starting to really love women more and more. For many many manyyyyy reasons. I would just love for a women to hold me in her arms. Like my mom use to do. This sounds kind of creepy, and I don't mean for it to be. But I think I'm more into women, because of my mom. Now hear me out, I'm not into incest or some crap, my mom has always been so nurturing to me and has been my best friend and has been the best mom.. well she tries to be... Anyway, what I'm saying is, most of my relationships with males, are not great. My dad and I for example, he's just.... Eh... Don't wanna say too much, him and I just don't always see eye to eye. I have been assaulted by a male family member. So, I guess it's hard for me to trust men? Women are just amazing.

 

My mom says she doesn't care if I'm with a women as long as I'm happy. Now my dad.... Heh... Naaah. My dad is a bit of a homophobe. Now I love my dad but he has some issues....

 

Okay so, I so badly just want to find a women who will love me and take care of me and help guide me.

 

I am 20 years old, living with my parents and younger brother.

It's like I don't have the will to really do anything. I've never had to. So everyday since after I got out of highschool, I just sit back and relax and play dragon age. Sure I'll clean around the house and stuff, but I don't really do anything? I want someone that will really just be there for me and help me get out of my unhealthy state. I've been so badly wanting to lose weight, and I AM trying. I've lost some. Just want to lose more....

 

This is just all over the place...

Anyone still reading? Oxo

 

I had recently applied for a job, the women said I did an amazing interview, but I didn't get the job. And... I was happy. I was happy I didn't get it. I mean I tried, I actually really tried. But... I was happy I failed. I don't want a job. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to do fun things....

I want someone that will help lovingly push me into becoming a writer or something?

I dunno... I love my family. They take such good care of me. But I feel so lonely. I want to fall in love– I want someone to fall in love with me.

 

But how can I meet that person, when I don't go out? I don't want to get a job? It's hard to trust people online ya know?

 

 

I don't know what this was....

 

If you read this, then thanks, you're a trooper!

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

First of all, as a guy I'm not sure I'm going to give you the perspective you're looking for and if not I apologise. But it sounds like you're in that somewhat awkward phase between being a child and living independently. You're done with school and you feel, as you hit your twenties, that you're ready to get on with life and start striking out on your own, but your living arrangements hold you back. At least, that was how I felt at 21 when I was between jobs and stuck living at home. Being in that situation made me feel like I was a bit player in someone else's life - my folks' life - and not really doing my own thing. It was even more prominent for me because I'd moved back home after graduating university and I'd spent a whole year living independently in another country, so feeling stuck at home was pretty jarring. It took a toll on my mental health, too.

 

When you live with people, your relationship with them is very different because you see them every day and you see all of their faults. Once you move out and you have that distance, maybe you only see your dad or talk to him once a week - or even less than that - you may find you feel differently. I certainly found my relationship with my parents improved significantly once I'd stopped living with them. It's not a case of saying that things were bad, just that things got better once we didn't have to share a space and trip over each other all the time.

 

As for your work situation, being a writer is definitely something you could do. Follow your passion and if what you love is writing, then you should definitely pursue it. Depending on what you want to write you may need to get an agent to help you get published, but it's also possible to self-publish especially in digital format. As someone who also enjoys writing, I find that trying to force it, or setting time aside where I require myself to write, doesn't work. Maybe it does for some people, but I can't be truly creative to a deadline. When I was writing marketing stuff and web content professionally that was different, but actual creative writing needs a spark of inspiration which I found that I just couldn't force. So I write when I can, and when my health allows. Point is, having a partner to encourage you and help you and inspire you? All great things. But someone to push you to write and to try to force creativity out of you? I dunno if it would work. Maybe it would, but if you're relying on that I think you could end up disappointed.

 

I really do believe that the right woman is out there for you and that you'll find her when you're both ready. If you're not in a going out mood at the moment, again don't force it because you're rushing to find her. It'll happen in its own time. Good luck with it all!

[CryBabyUniWolf]

Wow, thank you so much for your reply!

And there are reasons why me and my dad's relationship is strained.

It was actually kinda worse when I moved out. That's a whole other story though lol

[LittleTeacup]

Hey I read it

 

I understand what you mean about liking women more. Most of my (very few) crushes have been on women (or girls I suppose since my first crush was on a friend at age 16). And the one man so far is, I don't want to say feminine, but he's gentle, soft, a poet, artistic, you know  Women tend to be more nurturing. And, let's face it, men can be somewhat scary sometimes, especially if you've got bad experiences. Also, our taste in potential partners can change through life, so you might just be feeling like women now.

 

I also want to point out that, while I was at college at your age, I went back home after graduation and it's been my "home base" ever since. I had a few internships where I temporarily moved to other states, but after those were over, back to my parents I went. And because of anxiety, I haven't had a job in over a year, so I can't save up money to move out. I'm in the same boat as you where I'd like to find a partner, but how to do that when I'm not out and about? I have faith it will happen someday when I least expect it, but I don't even want to date someone now when I'm not independent. It's a bit embarrassing at my age (28). Some of my friends are even married or engaged.

 

I'm proud of you for doing a great job on your interview! It's great practice for the future, even though you ultimately didn't get the job. If you really want to be a writer, you gotta just start writing! Write what inspires you. But, be prepared to have a "day job" at least for a while. Until you start publishing and selling, you'll still need to pay bills. I'm sorry if that's kind of a downer, but that's the way it's been for writers throughout history unless they came from a wealthy family. One of my friends wants to be a writer (she's already written a book but she's afraid to have an editor tear it apart ) but she works at a mortgage company for a paycheck.

 

Good luck with everything and know you're not alone!

[Littlest_Bee]

Okay, so, first of all I think it's perfectly valid to feel like you have a preference in partners even if you're mostly attracted to just people and their personalities in general.

And it's good to acknowledge that preference if it means that you need to take certain steps to find a compatible partner.

 

However, while a relationship can be a great stabilising factor in your life and help with achieving your goals, it also takes time to build a relationship and maintain it and thinking that the right partner will solve all your problems seems to be an unhealthy mindset on its own.

 

It's the myth that you find the right person and live happily ever after. The truth is that relationships can be difficult. Stick to someone through their problems and they'll probably be willing to do the same for you but that doesn't mean it's easy. It just might be easier than doing things all on your own. I think that's a big part of how you know you found a good partner, if things are easier together than they would be on your own.

 

The important thing to remember is that you already are a complete person all on your own and you are the only person who will be around you for 100% of your life. Your future partner is probably missing everything that's happening to you right now so you need to learn to take good care of yourself and like being with yourself.

Try to put everything in perspective before you decide how much energy to spend focused on finding a partner and how much on your other goals.

I know it all sounds easier in theory than it is and I think we're never really done trying to figure all of it out but I wish you all the best.

Take care.