Treyusyra Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 I am in the middle of a divorce. I found my sweetheart recently. She has changed the way I see myself. Allowed me to be a better me. I am wanting to move to her and it's all such a big change. I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice and screw up my family. How do I reassure myself everything will he fine. How do I not freak out. I got so stressed yesterday I regressed and got stuck in little space. Other info. I live in Texas, she lives in Canada, I have 2 kids 5 and 2. We are both switches although I'm mainly a daddy as that provides most of my happiness. My little side is more stress related than anything. We both agree about the move and are both happy together.
Guest LittleSnowiii Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 Just take your time with it. Don't rush things, because rushing it will give you more stress. Also because you have children, remember that kids adjusting to new people and a new environment can be challenging. My advice is try to introduce your new partner to your kids slowly. Next time you guys meet, take your kids for a meal with her or something. If you're sure that you love that person and you take your time with it, I'm sure will go great 1
SamL Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 On 4/5/2019 at 7:26 AM, Treyusyra said: I'm scared I'll make the wrong choice and screw up my family. How do I reassure myself everything will he fine. I'd say that in order to reassure yourself that everything will be fine, you're going to have to go into some pretty deep denial. You haven't finished one relationship but are throwing yourself heart first into another one. Your life is in serious flux, huge life changing stuff going on - and you're considering uprooting your life and your children's even more than it already is, and moving to a new country to be with a woman that you might know well enough to risk your own heart, but certainly not your children's hearts. What could go wrong? Your children are also going through a divorce. They will need all your love and attention now - probably not the time to divert your energy and attention away from them and toward a new love interest...no matter how amazing she is. 2
Guest crazycatdaddy Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 I've been through a divorce myself, and I can sympathise from that perspective. In my case it was pretty straightforward as there were no kids and no shared property, but processing the end of a relationship as well as figuring out all of the paperwork can be complicated and time-consuming, so the biggest piece of advice I've got on that front is the same as LittleSnowii - don't rush anything, double-check everything, and make sure your soon-to-be-ex is on board with any and all decisions that affect you both. It's so much better to talk through something, even with someone you may not want to spend too much time with at the moment, than to make a mistake or cause additional complications. The last thing you want is for your ex to lawyer up and drag the whole thing through the courts - not if it can be avoided. Keep a line of communication open and be prepared to compromise if needs be. I also have to agree with SamL's comment. Your children should really be top priority at the moment, and you may find that spending time with them, feeling the maturity and responsibility of being a parent, and most importantly keeping a level head for their sake, will not just help them get through what is always going to be a rough time, but might just help you too. Your new partner will understand that, at least for the moment, they have to come second to your children. From my own experience, once the paperwork was sorted, once the legal fees and court costs were all paid, and I finally had the documentation to confirm everything was finalised, I felt miles better. It was a relief and a weight lifted. The passage of time helped, too, even though that's such a cliche.
baby_k Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) Youngest is only 2? At least here it is always said that people should not break up when kids are small as that is anyhow hard time for relationship and it is even typical that parents resent each other for while because of lack of sleep and so on ( obviously abuse etc makes the situation different ). I would highly recomend to read on how children mentally develop and how they need stable loving home and what single parent household means on average for their succes in life. To them parents divorcing is a massive thing which can in worst case badly affect their rest of life, their mental health and so on. Is that the sort of start you want them to have for their life? Imo your kids should come first. They can't choose for themselves, they can't look after themselves. It is your and your ex's job. And right now they need all support, love and attention they can get from BOTH of their parents. Have you considered how you would meet your kids? How often? Would the younger even know who you are anymore if you leave to another country and come back who knows when? How you think the older one will cope when everything in their life changes and their other parent just vanishes? Not an expert of law in usa but pretty sure no judge will put that small kids alone into plane to another country as their parent just decided to move. Edited April 5, 2019 by baby_k
Guest Revurx Posted April 5, 2019 Report Posted April 5, 2019 As a single father, I want to emphasize what has already been said. The only concern you should have right now is your children and your mental health. The fact that you're in the middle of a divorce and already considering relocating to continue in another relationship tells me you're not in the best headspace. Depending on someone else for your happiness when you have lives that depend on you, not good. Your only question right now should be, "are my kids happy and am I being the best father I can be?" 2
Treyusyra Posted April 5, 2019 Author Report Posted April 5, 2019 Thank you all for your input. But just know you cant be a proper parent if your not happy. If I'm completely unhappy and miserable that will go into my kids and they will become unhappy and miserable. A parent needs to be happy to be the best parent they can be. And I have to relocate either way. It's a 2 hour flight from Canada to see my kids with an hour drive after that. Or a 3 hour drive to see my kids from where I would be living. I wouldnt abandon my kids. The divorce has been going on for 2 years. Its not new. I have been out of that relationship for a long time. There were circumstances keeping us from filing fully.
SamL Posted April 6, 2019 Report Posted April 6, 2019 On 4/5/2019 at 10:52 PM, Treyusyra said: But just know you cant be a proper parent if your not happy. If I'm completely unhappy and miserable that will go into my kids and they will become unhappy and miserable. A parent needs to be happy to be the best parent they can be. I realize that I'll never say anything that changes your mind, but for those who come to this thread, read your post and take the communities silence to mean tacit agreement from its membership - well, this post is me saying, 'not all of us'. I was a single parent and my kids are raised. The idea that you can't be a proper parent unless you're happy is a faulty, self-limiting idea that serves neither you nor your children. Furthermore, any search for happiness outside of yourself will only lead to disappointment. 1
baby_k Posted April 6, 2019 Report Posted April 6, 2019 It feels to me that you are in some sort of panic state and not doing well mentally at all. It is of course natural thing to happen when a person is put into a really stressfull situation they find hard to cope with. Yes, you really need to take care of your mental health and happiness. But think what are the real actions you could do right now to improve your mental health? Why are you stressed? On 4/5/2019 at 7:26 AM, Treyusyra said: I found my sweetheart recently. She has changed the way I see myself. Allowed me to be a better me. I am wanting to move to her and it's all such a big change. You have found one way to make you feel better which is your new partner. What often happens when a person finds a coping mechanism ( no matter how toxic it would otherwise be, like using drugs ) is that they get hooked with that method of coping. That is just how your brain works. To me it seems that you just want more of your partner as she makes you feel good. In your head everything will be better once you are physically together. Not saying that wouldn't be great but you know how relationships go: there is the honeymoon phase and then the reality hits. This is specially true with starting to live with another person. Suddenly you have utterly stupid fights over who took or didn't take garbage out, should money be used on bag of candy or saved for rainy day and so on. There is always some sort of getting used to to the other person, their habits and learning to communicate well even on the crappiest day when you are both hungry, tired, pissed off and feeling like nothing is working in the world. Some relationships won't make it through that period of really getting to know the other person. Some do. But nasty life fact is that every couple will have times that are not so great, every couple will have fights. That is natural. Life is not just dancing over roses. So, find other coping strategies also. Find things you enjoy. Find ways to cope with stress. I would recommend professional help to do this as you really seem to be in breaking point. So, focus on you and get help. Right now. You have every right to feel better in your life and be happier, and atm you probably need help with it. Everybody does every once in awhile. You also owe this to your new partner: they deserve to have someone who won't break into pieces when difficulties come or who doesn't need them for everything as there might be time when they need you to be strong for them, help them cope. Also consider: If your new partner is ALREADY making you happy, why you need to move right now? Why not stay near your kids and help them cope with the situation? For awhile at least. Specially the younger would probably benefit from actual touching, cuddles, hugs, embrace, instead of video calls. All things you can't do when you are not there. To you divorce may have been going on for long but to a child it is real only after you leave, when you no longer live with them, when their normal schedule is no longer. That is when they really will need their dad. You have all time in the world to have a relationship with your partner. But your kids are small only once. They will experience your divorce only once. In this thread you already have two single dads who have taken their roles of a dad: to protect and nurture their kids the very best way they can. I think you being scared of screwing up your family means that you want to do the same. That you really love your kids and want the best for them. Think: if world was perfect, how would you look after your kids? It also could be beneficial for you to join some groups of single parents ( specially dad groups ) as that sort of support group could do wonders for your mental health too. 2
Treyusyra Posted April 9, 2019 Author Report Posted April 9, 2019 Not sure if yall want to know. But i want to update you for those who were nice enough to give me advice. I am now in counseling and it is helping. My ex and i have agreed to where the kids will be and how often we each get to see them. I also am working on making new friends. Ive also started myself on a a daily happiness challenge. To do 5 things a day that make me happy and that i enjoy. Im trying to be better. Im also not stressing about moving, just going to go one day at a time until i get to that point. 2
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