Advice?

[98753_1655600720]

My daddy’s been really distant lately and we’ve talked about it, he apologized and everything was fine. It’s long distance and we live in different countries with different time Zones so I’m used to it. He always ends up making time for me even when I think he’s not ever coming back he always proves me wrong. But this time my friend looked at his profile on the website I met him on and told me he’s been online there. I thought maybe Skype was just the problem so I sent a message there and asked but he hasn’t replied. All my friends are saying he’s avoiding me but he’s gone longer than this without talking to me before and he always has a legitimate reason when he comes back. I understand he has a life and it doesn’t revolve around me and I’m fine with that. But every ldr I’ve ever had ends like this and I guess I’m just scared I’ll never hear from him again.

[Little kaiya]

If you have been getting to the point in the past where you think he's not ever coming back that seems to suggest a bigger and more and more complex relationship issue exists than just the current communication issue.

 

People get busy and it can be hard to always maintain long and complex communication every day. Life can throw curveballs, work can be crazy, people sometimes just need time to themselves to reflect on their life or to take a breather and a million other reasons. That said, it is NOT hard to send a quick text to a loved one to explain why more in depth communication may be hard.

 

It is possible he may be avoiding you or it could be something else but I think that misses the most important question which is brought up by your last sentence.

If he isn't communicating and is avoiding you why are you scared to never hear from him again, it honestly doesnt sound like a big loss.

 

Being in a relationship, especially one that causes fears, should never take precedence over respecting and valuing yourself. A lot of people choose to remain in relationships that they know aren't working or good for them because they fear being alone more. If you're Daddy cant even spare 30 seconds to send a message it doesnt sound like they respect or value the relationship or you very much.

 

Only you can decide what you want to do but honestly if it was me I would be waving good bye and moving on. I respect myself too much to let someone treat me the way you describe and hopefully you have that same self respect.

 

Little kaiya

[Guest QueenJellybean]

to be honest, your friends are probably looking out for you and think they are helping, but they might be hurting more than they know.

the only person who really knows what's going on is your partner. 

whether you decide to confront him about what your friends have told you or not is up to you -- i don't honestly see how slinging accusations around without any evidence other than here say is helpful, but i'm not you -- but you should definitely, at the minimum, talk to him about your feelings.

again.

even if it's the fifth time.

even if he's apologized.

even if he's got other stuff going on. 

even if you're insecure about it.

 

you've got to be able to communicate with your partner, especially when you don't want to. 

good luck!

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

What you're describing - communication getting less frequent, feeling like he's been gone so long he might not come back, and noticing him online but not contacting you - these are serious things, and indicate strongly that at the very least he isn't taking your relationship seriously. You say you're used to this kind of behaviour, but have you ever talked to him about it? Everyone is different and every relationship works differently, but for me personally, frequent communication is probably the thing I'd say is most important, especially at a distance. If you lived together you could spend hours in each other's company without talking, but if all you have is texting and occasional calls, talking isn't just part of the relationship, it is the relationship.

 

Talk to him about how this lack of communication makes you feel. Make sure he understands it's a serious issue for you, and that you need him to at the very least let you know ahead of time if he's going to be too busy to talk. That isn't too much to ask of anyone, let alone your partner. If he can't do that, if either his life is too busy for even infrequent contact, or he has other priorities, then maybe it's time to consider whether you're in the right relationship. If two people have very different ideas about what their relationship should look like, and how often to talk to each other, that's the kind of incompatibility that goes to the core, and it might not be something fixable. If it's a temporary thing, perhaps due to a big work project or something, then he needs to explain that and give you a timeframe for how long it might go on for. If it's a short-term thing and he gets back to normal afterwards, that's okay. If it's something long-term then you'll have to decide if you're prepared to wait around for him to be finished.

 

With an ex of mine, I had a very similar problem. Communication was poor. She'd fail to let me know pretty basic things - plans to go out, work schedule, etc. - even after being prompted multiple times. She'd be on her phone during her free time and not reply for hours on end. When someone you care about doesn't communicate it makes you feel pretty crappy. If you're trying very hard to make them feel included in your life and you're not getting that same effort in return, it makes you feel like you're unimportant to them, and for me that's a real problem. We had two long conversations about communication, and in the end we decided that what we each wanted from a partner was too different. I don't assign any blame - these things happen and if you don't put yourself out there to meet people you won't find out who you might match with. But if your relationship isn't giving you what you need - and if he's not talking to you at all for days at a time I don't see how it can be - then maybe it's run its course.

 

Assuming he does get back in touch with you, if I were you I'd write down what I wanted to say to him regarding communication and his behaviour. I'd set out some basic "ground rules" - could be something like check in every morning and evening at minimum, let you know the day before if he has plans that mean he'll be busy, etc. - whatever you think is appropriate to meet your needs. There may have to be some compromise, but if you have "red lines" for the absolute minimum level of contact you find acceptable, make sure he knows and understands that. The ball is then in his court - he'll have to decide whether he can commit to being more communicative.

 

Even though CG/L is a small community, there are still other caregivers out there for you if your current relationship doesn't work out. The worst thing you could do is stay with someone who can't meet your needs, or who isn't prepared to do the basics. I've done that myself and I've known people who did that, and it never works out well. However, your first step has to be to talk to him and explain how his behaviour makes you feel. Hopefully he will realise his mistake and work on ways to do better in future. I truly hope things work out for you!

Edited April 2, 2019 by crazycatdaddy

[Guest LittleSnowiii]

My daddy’s been really distant lately and we’ve talked about it, he apologized and everything was fine. It’s long distance and we live in different countries with different time Zones so I’m used to it. He always ends up making time for me even when I think he’s not ever coming back he always proves me wrong. But this time my friend looked at his profile on the website I met him on and told me he’s been online there. I thought maybe Skype was just the problem so I sent a message there and asked but he hasn’t replied. All my friends are saying he’s avoiding me but he’s gone longer than this without talking to me before and he always has a legitimate reason when he comes back. I understand he has a life and it doesn’t revolve around me and I’m fine with that. But every ldr I’ve ever had ends like this and I guess I’m just scared I’ll never hear from him again.

I think your friends mean well, however they shouldn't interfere, because quite honestly those accusations seem ridiculous. Just because he's online doesn't mean he's necessarily avoiding you. He might just have left the pc on (just an example). We shouldn't assume things without actual proof, and specially without talking to the person in question.

A relationship is between two people. So,if something is truly upsetting you, communicate with him. Be straight forward, pour your feelings and worries out. 

Tell him to communicate more, tell him it's important for the sake of the relationship and so on.

Wish you the best of luck.

[98753_1655600720]

I think most of it is just me over reacting. Our relationship is great otherwise. When he’s online he always replies to me instantly and makes me feel important. This has happened a lot and I always consider that he might not come back because that’s what I’m used to from other relationships, I’ve told him how I feel more than once and he always apologizes and says he’ll do his best to work on it, then usually for a few days everything is great but then he just stops replying out of nowhere.i think if he knows he’s going to be away he tells me. Last time he even got one of his friends to “babysit”. This time it’s only been about a week and he’s been gone longer than that before, the only thing that makes me doubt him this time is that he’s been on that other site and my friends are saying he’s gonna hurt me. I have my own life too and waiting for him doesn’t bother me on it’s own as long as I know he’s coming back.

[Guest Aetherr]

if the length of time he goes away for bothers you then talk to him maybe he has chances to check in more but doesent because why would he is he potentially has things to do and doesent feel the need to keep you updated but either way

 

stop listening to your friends, you said it yourself he has been away longer and came back they are talking nonsense but on top of that you are already inclined to believe he wont come back even though you stated you have not real reason to believe he would do that

 

so consider the following

 

talk to him about working out a way he can be in touch more often

 

ignore your friends, the dont know him any more than you do

 

find a hobby or a show or something you can do that will keep your mind off the insecurity

 

 

expecting him to leave because others did is not good he is his own person and shouldn't be compared to past partners and i am sure you know this but nobody can work on that but you

[98753_1655600720]

if the length of time he goes away for bothers you then talk to him maybe he has chances to check in more but doesent because why would he is he potentially has things to do and doesent feel the need to keep you updated but either way

 

stop listening to your friends, you said it yourself he has been away longer and came back they are talking nonsense but on top of that you are already inclined to believe he wont come back even though you stated you have not real reason to believe he would do that

 

so consider the following

 

talk to him about working out a way he can be in touch more often

 

ignore your friends, the dont know him any more than you do

 

find a hobby or a show or something you can do that will keep your mind off the insecurity

 

 

expecting him to leave because others did is not good he is his own person and shouldn't be compared to past partners and i am sure you know this but nobody can work on that but you

You’re right. That’s really what I’m trying to do. When he’s gone I try to just focus on work and stuff like that and it’s easy to keep myself distracted.

 

It’s just that he’s been on what’s technically a dating site but to busy to even tell me that he’s busy that bothers me. I know that I can’t blame him for what other people have done to me but how long do I wait before I know if he did it too and there’s no point in waiting anymore. I don’t know if I should let myself miss him or try to ignore it.