Scared to death...

[Guest LittleSlytherinMermaid]

Is it normal that I am terrified of becoming someone's babygirl ever again? I've had one Daddy, I discovered I was a little just over a year ago and shortly after, I met him.

 

But since I was so new I didn't really know much, and so whatever he told me or did, I went along with it. Now looking back, and having done some more research and soul searching, I firmly believe I was being emotionally abused by someone who I was supposed to trust completely with my entire lifestyle.

 

I am riddled with mental illness and he didn't really understand that. He would punish me for self-harm, and threaten to leave if I didn't behave, even though sometimes I wasn't just "being a brat" and literally only needed some love. He would spank me for just about anything, from throwing one little tantrum to being in a bad mood in general. No warnings, just straight over his lap. He ultimately did end up throwing me AND my daughter out on the street because his mother didn't like me. Like she was the one he was in the relationship with, ugh.

 

I've been single now since late September, and am slowly but surely putting my life back together, and am ready to get back out there again, but I'm scared of coming across another "Daddy" like him. How am I supposed to fully embrace my littleness if I don't find a Daddy to share it with and help me manage daily struggles, one that understands my mental struggles and only disciplines if absolutely necessary? I don't know how to do this and I'm scared. Any help is appreciated.

[xBabydollx]

Unfortunately not everyone is capable of handling being with someone who has a mental illness. He generally sound like an a hole tho. As for future Daddies, I think u should be upfront with them about any illnesses u have and ask if they think it's something they can handle. Let them know of situations u may exp because of ur illnesses, and things they should and should not do in response. u also have a huge say in what rules and punishments u will accept or will not allow. Before entering a dynamic, discuss those so the two of u will be on the same page. Nothing should ever be happening that u didn't previously consent to. If a moment occurs where ur Daddy is doing something that u feel is causing u harm, have a safeword ready and in place. Make sure they are someone who values and respect ur safe word.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

It's true that mental illness can be challenging for some people to deal with, that's true both inside and outside of the CG/L community though. Some wannabe daddies are just rotten. They are abusers who like the name "daddy" but don't have any interest in behaving like a caregiver, and unfortunately they do exist within the community. There are posts here on the forum about spotting "red flags" - signs of toxic and/or abusive behaviour, so definitely check those out. If you find someone you begin talking with exhibits any of those signs, don't apologise don't try to talk it out simply end the conversation and block that person. Do not be afraid of putting yourself and your safety first.

 

In a more general sense, be up front about your abusive experience, either on your profile/personal ad or in your first messages to a potential caregiver. Let them know you had a bad experience, and as a result of that you don't want to rush into anything. That's the next big piece of advice: resist the temptation to rush things with someone new just because they seem nice at first. Take as much time as you need to get to know someone, and be firm with saying "no" to things you aren't ready for. If someone is genuinely a good match for you, they will be prepared to wait and take things at your pace.

 

Now that you've had some experience of things you really don't like as a little, as well as having researched more about the community and hopefully found some aspects of it that you do like as well, you're in a much better position. You can write down your hard limits, things you absolutely hate and will not have in your next relationship, as well as a list of things you do like and do want to have. If you're up front about those things, you should only really be contacted by people who have read and understood what you said. Unfortunately if you just put yourself out there as "a little looking for a daddy" you're probably going to get messages from people who would be completely wrong for you, whereas if you state clearly at the beginning that you need someone who firstly has some experience or understanding of mental health, and secondly is willing to take things slow, you're much more likely to find someone you'd be compatible with. Don't be afraid of saying that punishment, especially physical punishment, isn't something you enjoy. There are caregivers for whom punishment is simply not a part of the dynamic, and if you're open about that you're much more likely to find someone you'd match with.

 

The anxiety that you feel about a new relationship is normal. It's a natural consequence of being in a toxic or abusive relationship. That anxiety probably won't go away until you meet someone who treats you better and you've spent a decent amount of time with them. Once you feel safer and more secure with your new partner, and you come to realise that you can trust them, the anxiety will hopefully fade.

 

One final point: are you sure that you're ready to jump back into the dating scene? It's okay to wait if you need more time. The CG/L community isn't going anywhere, and there will still be lots of daddies here in a few weeks or a few months. If you need time to move past what happened, and time to explore littlespace on your own and what it means to be little, that's absolutely okay. There are lots of ways that littles can enjoy this side of themselves without a caregiver, and again there are numerous posts about that here on the forum. The more time you take to be little on your own, the more you will realise what you like and dislike about it, allowing you to paint an even clearer picture for potential caregivers when you're ready to meet someone. Don't be afraid to be single. None of us need to be with a partner, and rushing in before we're ready is a surefire way to end up with someone wrong. Just some food for thought!

 

Best of luck with this next stage of your littlespace and your life. The right person will be out there for you when you're ready, and they will treat you right.

[Guest LittleSlytherinMermaid]

Thank you guys SO much, everything you've said is a huge help. I'll definitely take it all into consideration. Again thank you so much <3

[Maids]

I completely understand where you are coming from! It really sucks when your first real CG/l relationship experience doesn't turn out too well...

Just remember, just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean all CGs are the same.  Don't let someone rob that precious part of who you are just because they aren't the best person in the world. 

It sounded to me like he didn't understand the value of discipline. Punishment can reinforce some discipline when necessary, but you never really learn anything from punishment without the foundation of discipline. If anything, it teaches you to be afraid of your CGs hand without discipline which leads your brain to spiral into thoughts of "How will I know when his hand has good intentions?" - it's an ugly cycle.

As already stated by the replies above, not everyone knows how to handle someone with mental illness(es). Being Daddy is already very difficult at times and to top that off with a mental illness(es), it can be very taxing but also very rewarding; to be the safe haven of someone who is struggling with mental illness, to be trusted more than that person trusts himself/herself. It can be a rollercoaster for both parties.

I too struggle with mental illness(es) and a big thing to remember is your mental illness does not define you, your mental illness doesn't make you any less of a good person or defiles your strength.
I'm just kinda adding to the replies above haha. Pretty much took the words right out of my mouth!   

I know it's easier said than done but a healthy place to start would be to make your littlespace your space, I'm in the process of doing that aswell. It's okay if your littlespace doesn't come rushing back to you like tidal waves in ways it used to come back, what matters is that it will come back and it will be more resilient to leave. It's a part of you, forever and always, for better and for worse!

 

 Pick up some new emotional detoxing activities to help you move along from that "Daddy" you had, try to set aside some time every day or every other day to journal about how you're feeling, get those thoughts out there without fear of being judged (the con of ranting to others) and that will also help you get to know yourself better and find yourself. Reward yourself with little people food (anything bitesized!) and kick back and watch some cartoons - don't stress if it feels alien at first; it's like leaving a trail of skittles for the little in you to follow! hehe. It doesn't have to be cartoons, it can be a bubble bath, colouring, nap time, game time, anything! Your littleness will eventually find her way back, she's never gone too far - those little legs can only take you so far 

 

If you're needing help with creating structure, look up some basic self-care rule sheets online and adapt them to the way you like them to be - but also giving yourself some restriction, some rules that may spark a thought of "That sounds like a bit of a challenge... but I can do that!" if it ends up not working out, make more edits to the rule! People change, lives change, desires change, limits change, it's okay to change things up! The rule sheet may not be much but you know when a flower is starting to grow and it needs to be loosely tied against the popsicle stick to help it grow nice and big and strong, that's you!

 

That last paragraph stems (haha! see what I did there?) from the heart, that's what I am doing as I am typing this. It has it's easy days and it has it's difficult days... but what matters most is progression. Everything will come, it just takes time. You're never stuck and unsure of what to do, all you need to do is look at it upside down, right-side up, left-side down, any angle, there's always another way of thinking about things to make things more positive. 

 

Best of luck to you!   

Edited March 29, 2019 by Maids

[Guest LittleSlytherinMermaid]

[Guest Baby_Kitty9818]

I unfortunately understand totally where you're coming from. Before I met my current (and my forever) Daddy, I had four. The first one left the lifestyle, the second one stopped talking to me, the third had a wife...and the fourth (mean man) only wanted sexy things from me. It took me a long time to finally find the right Daddy for me, and I honestly couldn't be happier. It may take awhile, but the right one is out there. Don't stop looking.

[Lynnie]

if you're going to be in any kind of power exchange dynamic like this one you really need to lay everything out first so the dominant can know what is and isn't allowed and consider leaving any time that is broken